# (Sister Dating) What Should I Do?? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 6, 2015, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116 "2015-01-06T11:11:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/61 "2015-01-07T02:08:24Z")
> [@question101](#): > > Sorry guys just got home from work and school. > > Time to answer some questions > > Everyone who says it is none of your business. Here is my response. It is 100% my business this is my sister and I’m only looking out for her. Dating and love is not a measly mistake many times it can end in tragedy. Such as heart break, depression, resentment, pregnancy, and abuse. By me trying to prevent these happening to someone I love is completely my business. Why should she go through life alone when she has people around her to guide her. > > To those asking why does he need permission. There is a code amongst men. Especially someone that I would have called brother. It is disgusting that he did not ask permission. Also I forgot to mention that my parents are not aware of the situation. I also know that they would be against it 100% because they frequently share their opinions on him and they are worse than mine. I however, do not wish to involve them to help my sister save face. > Age of contempt in my state is 18 > > To those saying that her staying home for college ect is not a bad thing. It is not wrong at all the only problem is that she had much larger ambitions prior to dating him which I feel he has directly altered. > > To the person who said that I disapprove of him obeying his parents. You took my statement incorrectly. I honor and praise people who obey their parents but allowing your parents to guide your entire life not allowing you to make a decision shows a level of immaturity. > I would let her make her own mistake but the only problem is that at this point in time this mistake that happens for a few months could directly alter her life plan. She would go to a lesser college, she would never experience a college life, never have a normal relationship. My main concern is not that she is dating this guy. She is going to date guys good and bad. My concern is that this guy is holding her back. If this was after college I would have voiced my opinions and then been there for her whether she wished to stay with him or not. Again this is not a concern of her now but of her future which is being plagued by him. There’s a lot to be said for staying home for college, and also for not being overly impressed by name-brand colleges. Your sister’s quite probably making a good decision by going to the state university. Having said that, if he’s breaking the law, then he’s breaking the law (and statutory rape is not a minor crime, either). ---
**Author:** ![yellowjacketcoder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/4bbf92/32.png) [@yellowjacketcoder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowjacketcoder)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/62 "2015-01-07T02:24:16Z")
> [@question101](#): > > It is 100% my business this is my sister and I’m only looking out for her. Is it zero percent your business because you are her brother, not her dad. Let her make her own mistakes. Frankly, I haven’t seen anything you wrote that indicates this is a mistake on her part > [@question101](#): > > To those asking why does he need permission. There is a code amongst men. This is the biggest piece of bullshit I’ve read on the net in a week. This is from a dude. > [@question101](#): > > It is not wrong at all the only problem is that she had much larger ambitions prior to dating him which I feel he has directly altered. Frankly it sounds like YOU had ambitions for her. She can go to the college she wants to. > [@question101](#): > > I would let her make her own mistake but the only problem is that at this point in time this mistake that happens for a few months could directly alter her life plan. This is true. But it will also be true when she’s 18, when’s she’s 21, when she’s 30, and when she’s 65. It won’t be any of your business then either. I’m glad you care about your sister. However, the farthest you could go is say your piece. You have done that, and if she decides to ignore your advice, that’s her choice, NOT yours. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/63 "2015-01-07T03:05:41Z")
> [@question101](#): > > To those asking why does he need permission. There is a code amongst men. Especially someone that I would have called brother. It is disgusting that he did not ask permission. I tend to agree with everyone else in the thread about this. I’ve never heard of such a thing. At best, I’d be pleased if a friend let me know that he was planning to or had asked my sister out but I’d be creeped out if he asked my permission. She’s her own person, not my property. ---
**Author:** ![Desert\_Nomad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desert_nomad/32/177_2.png) [@Desert\_Nomad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Desert_Nomad)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/64 "2015-01-07T04:08:36Z")
Add me to the “mind your own business” camp. ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/65 "2015-01-07T04:08:56Z")
**question** , are you an immigrant to the United States, or from a family of immigrants, by chance? ---
**Author:** ![Boogly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Boogly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boogly)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/66 "2015-01-07T05:34:41Z")
> [@question101](#): > > Sorry guys just got home from work and school. > > Time to answer some questions > > Everyone who says it is none of your business. Here is my response. It is 100% my business this is my sister and I’m only looking out for her. Dating and love is not a measly mistake many times it can end in tragedy. Such as heart break, depression, resentment, pregnancy, and abuse. By me trying to prevent these happening to someone I love is completely my business. Why should she go through life alone when she has people around her to guide her. > > To those asking why does he need permission. There is a code amongst men. Especially someone that I would have called brother. It is disgusting that he did not ask permission. Also I forgot to mention that my parents are not aware of the situation. I also know that they would be against it 100% because they frequently share their opinions on him and they are worse than mine. I however, do not wish to involve them to help my sister save face. Anyone who is dating or falling in love is almost certainly looking at varying degrees of emotional pain in their future. Or do you think that you sister is a Disney Princess who will live happily ever after? It might be better for her to get heartbroken with people who care for her closer to her. A code among men? First you say that this guy is an idiot loser but now he could have been your brother? As for life changes, she is **16**! This kinda stuff is going to happen. This is what I’m getting from your posts: 1. How do I let my sister live her life as long as her life is approved by me alone? a: Because I can’t involve our parents because…reasons. b: Because she has to remain the same as she was when she was innocent and not corrupted. 2. How can I get her to date only people that I approve of that I know won’t hurt her? a: Because nobody has a bro-code like I do. b: Because nobody cares for her like I do. c: Because nobody loves her like I do. d: Because she doesn’t have to go through life alone when I am here to help her. 3. I know all of this because I am **muthafuckin 18**!!! a: Because this makes me an adult…even if I have not lived as a mature person! Calm down Gollum. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 9:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/67 "2015-01-07T09:57:41Z")
Not to delve too far into cultural issues, but are your parents, or the not so bright boyfriend’s parents first generation immigrants to the US? I ask because the level of innate entitlement you seem to be taking on yourself about your ability or duty to make very personal relationship decisions for your sister is kind of unusual and something you might see more often in a non-US context such as East Indian or Asian cultures. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 10:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/68 "2015-01-07T10:11:30Z")
I think everyone in their life has to date one person they really should not. I dont know. It seems we all do. Also why is it that women are attracted to “bad boys”? I dont know. Maybe people in her life have been so controlling she has to let go and date a jerk in order to feel free. I dont know. My advice - say your piece but then stay out of it. And, if it ends badly, for sure as hell dont go “I told you so…” and make her feel worse. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/69 "2015-01-07T12:13:10Z")
> [@question101](#): > > I never once ordered her to do anything or else this whole thing would be over. I have not confronted the situation in its entirely. Also there is a code. Hypothetically, me and you are very close friend we hang out every other day and go to luch ect. Is it not polite to ask you how you feel about me dating your sister instead of sneaking behind your back and doing it. Whether I thought you would approve or not is it not proper to at least notify you. Most things that are kept secret are secret because if out in the open they would be perceived as wrong. > > Again people are missing the point this is not me trying to control her but instead me trying to steer her away from a life altering decision that could and most likely would make her life worse. If he love her I do not understand how he could steer her into a path that would worsen her. Love is about creating sacrifices for the betterment of the one whom you love. So how could he love her if he selfishly holds her back. > > Also I resort to internet strangers because I do not want to ask my real life friends because the relationship is a secret because many would disapprove. Though I know making it public would end it. It would also largely embrace my sister and her boyfriend which is not my goal. I just want him to realize what he is doing and postpone the relationship for 5 more years maybe test the waters and experience another relationship. This is both of their first relationships and they are acting as if they are ready to get married tomorrow. You’re wound pretty tight for an 18 year old. What do you know about life, love, codes, sacrifice and relationships? Certainly not enough to be giving anyone advice. Again, MYOB, and try being less provincial and repressed. It would do you a world of good to try some dating yourself, and not just the girls that your parents pick and pre-approve for you. ---
**Author:** ![Si\_Amigo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/si_amigo/32/2877_2.png) [@Si\_Amigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Si_Amigo)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/70 "2015-01-07T14:13:10Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > There is no code. > > Men know this. Arrr, the code. They’re more like guidelines. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/71 "2015-01-07T15:41:38Z")
> [@question101](#): > > To those asking why does he need permission. There is a code amongst men. Especially someone that I would have called brother. It is disgusting that he did not ask permission. See, nobody else in this thread understands that you’re posting from circa 1959. Back to my advice or **Scumpup** ’s - game of chicken in hot rods, or highly choreographed switchblade fight while onlookers dance or at least snap to the beat. ---
**Author:** ![brainstall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/35a633/32.png) [@brainstall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brainstall)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/72 "2015-01-07T15:50:04Z")
I see this going two ways… she may truly be in love, and like some of my friends who met and married their high school sweethearts, she, too, will stay with this guy for years and live happily ever after. Or she could be like me as a sixteen year old, and be fickle and grow tired of this boy in a few months. But having her controlling brother tell her that this person is not suitable is not going to allow this relationship to develop naturally. It will just cause drama and make it all way more intense than it should be. And its ETC, not ect. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/73 "2015-01-07T16:19:57Z")
> [@question101](#): > > She would go to a lesser college, she would never experience a college life, \*\*never have a normal relationship. \*\* How on earth can you possibly make that claim? Saying “If X doesn’t happen, my life will never be the same!!!” is _EXACTLY_ the kind of thing that immature teenagers say, and they say it because they don’t know WTF they’re talking about: “But if I don’t go to the prom…” “If I don’t get into a good school…” “If I never ask her out…” “But I was going to go in to Tarsi Station and buy some power converters…” > [@bup](#): > > See, nobody else in this thread understands that you’re posting from circa 1959. More like 1859. ---
**Author:** ![Great\_Antibob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@Great\_Antibob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Great_Antibob)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/74 "2015-01-07T16:28:56Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > How on earth can you possibly make that claim? What? It’s not “normal” to ask permission from your brother to go out on a date or approve your boyfriends or leave the house or approve your choice of college or getting to choose which lotion brand to put on your skin without getting the hose again? ---
**Author:** ![yellowjacketcoder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/4bbf92/32.png) [@yellowjacketcoder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowjacketcoder)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/75 "2015-01-07T16:52:20Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > How on earth can you possibly make that claim? Saying “If X doesn’t happen, my life will never be the same!!!” is _EXACTLY_ the kind of thing that immature teenagers say, and they say it because they don’t know WTF they’re talking about: “But if I don’t go to the prom…” “If I don’t get into a good school…” “If I never ask her out…” “But I was going to go in to Tarsi Station and buy some power converters…” This is the most egregiously wrong thing in this whole thread. It’s TOSHI station, not TARSI station 😃 The rest of your post is spot on, though. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/76 "2015-01-07T18:19:46Z")
> [@Si\_Amigo](#): > > Arrr, the code. They’re more like guidelines. I think I know what ‘code’ the OP is talking about. It’s the bro’ code. As my high school teen explained to me recently, the bro’ code is as follows: If you want to ask the girl that your bro’ recently dated, you gotta ask him three times if it’s cool with him that you ask her out. If he says he’s cool with it, you can ask her out. Else, you gotta either wait for permission or sneak around behind his back. In the latter case, you’ve broken the bro’ code. I imagine that’s what the OP is alluding to. So it’s a thing. A moronic thing. But a thing. \ ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/77 "2015-01-07T19:34:27Z")
> [@question101](#): > > I apologize before hand for bad grammar and the wall of text before you. Don’t _apologize_ for the wall of text - take a minute or two to find good places for paragraph breaks. ---
**Author:** ![Weedy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/weedy/32/301_2.png) [@Weedy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weedy)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/78 "2015-01-07T20:27:07Z")
Your sister is growing up. Even if she stops seeing this guy (which I think is highly likely), she will continue to make decisions you don’t agree with. She is not going to go back to being your sweet, compliant baby sister. If you continue to freak out every time she makes a decision you don’t like, your relationship with her will go steadily downhill. She is being secretive and stubborn because she knows you disapprove. But she doesn’t care. She is going to do what she wants despite what you think. That is completely normal. Instead of trying to undermine her decisions and control her choices, why not put some effort into thinking about how to deal with her as an equal? ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/79 "2015-01-07T20:59:07Z")
If you’re at all receptive to our advice, **question101** , please heed everyone telling you that trying to pry your sister out of this man’s grasp is only going to cement them to each other and strengthen their bond. It sounds counterintuitive, but nearly anything you might do by trying to keep them apart will prolong their relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/80 "2015-01-07T21:24:13Z")
I’m playing devil’s advocate here so this may come out a little more strongly than intended. > [@Sir\_T-Cups](#): > > You know what’s pretty awesome to do in the guy world? Take virginities. You know what’s pretty awesome to do in the girl world? Lose your virginity. It’s almost as if young people enjoy having sex. For all we know, she’s totally using him. Or they are using each other. > [@](#): > > He can’t tell her what to do, but he needs to make sure she knows to be careful. I generally have zero faith in humanity, so I’m betting this guy just wants to pork/use a 16 year old and put another notch on his bedpost Honestly, so what? Being used for sex is not a terribly uncommon thing, and while shitty, it’s not the end of the world. Why can’t she just learn that lesson herself? I might feel differently if I thought talking to her would make any difference, but we all know it won’t, because she’s 16 and not even grown adults are interested in hearing negative things about their partners. Part of life is regret. She will make relationship mistakes and they will hurt and that is her right as a human being. If he’s not much more mature than the OP’s teenage friends then it sounds like he and this woman are at similar maturity levels and perhaps a more appropriate couple than one would think. I find the notion that young ladies are these fragile impressionable creatures who can’t be trusted to make their own relationship decisions to be… distressing. Summon the fainting couch, please. Little sis needs a brother who will listen to her sit and work it out for herself. Chances are if things get serious she will feel the conflict between the fancy university and the state university (the horror!) If it bothers her she’ll start talking about it. If it doesn’t bother her, then she made her choice. If she asks for advice, that’s one thing, but otherwise? Just let her be. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116.md?page=5)