# Situational jokes you've always wanted to use **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 27, 2007, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907 "2007-02-27T19:07:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/21 "2007-02-27T20:46:18Z")
I like how these two posts go together: [QUOTE=Lemur866] Here’s a situational joke you can use anywhere. You run down a busy street, hair and clothes askew, eyes wild. You go up to a random stranger and yell, “The date! What’s the date? Please, I need to know the date!” And when they say something like “January 23,” you scream, “No! The year! The year!” Then, no matter what they say, look horrified and run off at top speed. [/QUOTE] [QUOTE=Jayrot] Not bad. I might try that at my next interview. [/QUOTE] I waited four years for a teacher to ask, “Can anyone use ‘loquacious’ in a sentence?” ---
**Author:** ![Sunshine\_and\_Smiles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Sunshine\_and\_Smiles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunshine_and_Smiles)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/22 "2007-02-27T20:53:34Z")
Hey Joe, where you going with that **bun** in your hand? I work at a restaurant. One of the line cooks is named Joe. It’s only a matter of time. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/23 "2007-02-27T20:58:33Z")
I want to give my warden a plaque, with our Institution seal on it. Under it, the “dog latin” motto: FABRICATI DIEM, PVNCTI AGVNT CELERITER, which (sort of) means “Make the Day, the Moments Pass Quickly”. However, during the presentation, part of the plaque inscription will “accidently” break away, leaving the motto to read: FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC ---
**Author:** ![cormac262](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f14d63/32.png) [@cormac262](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cormac262)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/24 "2007-02-27T21:07:12Z")
[QUOTE=KSO] As a brand new fan of The Office, I’m waiting for the opportunity to use “That’s what she said.” [/QUOTE] As a fan of the original BBC “The Office”, the correct answer for “weaknesses” is: eczema ---
**Author:** ![Kizarvexius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/da6949/32.png) [@Kizarvexius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kizarvexius)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/25 "2007-02-27T21:27:07Z")
[QUOTE=Jayrot] They ask: “What would you say are your weaknesses?” I decide to go for it. I answer in perfectly deadpan, straight-faced manner: “Well to tell you the truth, I have weakness to fire and lightning based attacks, though I’m strong vs. melee and ranged attacks.” [/QUOTE] Bumper sticker: **JESUS SAVES** All others take full damage ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/26 "2007-02-27T21:34:15Z")
I’ll quote George Carlin: “If you knew someone who was a homosexual and they were in an accident that left them paralyzed, you could always comfort the family by saying, 'Well, he was a fruit. Now he’s a vegetable. At least he’s still in the produce aisle” :ducks and runs: ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/27 "2007-02-27T21:37:53Z")
Or if you knew a guy named Robert who was a quadruple amputee, you could push him into a pool. And so on and so forth. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/28 "2007-02-27T21:42:57Z")
[QUOTE=Kizarvexius] Bumper sticker: **JESUS SAVES** All others take full damage [/QUOTE] I have this bumpersticker. - **JESUS LOVES YOU** \* Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole. ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/29 "2007-02-27T21:52:21Z")
[QUOTE=hajario] Someone had that as a sig line a few years ago with a link to a map of Iraq. [/QUOTE] heh, that was me. I can’t believe anyone remembers that. I should change this sig line soon as I’ve been using it for awhile. ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/30 "2007-02-27T21:52:23Z")
[QUOTE=teemingONE] “Do you want to give five dollars to support breast cancer?” “HELL NO, I hate breast cancer!” [/QUOTE] I’ve done this. Either those people hear it all the damn time (in which case they should change the question) or it’s not as funny as we think. ---
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/31 "2007-02-27T22:31:24Z")
[QUOTE=teemingONE] “Do you want to give five dollars to support breast cancer?” “HELL NO, I hate breast cancer!” [/QUOTE] I’ve used something similar many times, which never gets a laugh: “Do you have anything for a headache?” “No. Why would you want a headache?” ---
**Author:** ![Face\_Intentionally\_Left\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/face_intentionally_left_blank/32/288_2.png) [@Face\_Intentionally\_Left\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Face_Intentionally_Left_Blank)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/32 "2007-02-27T22:41:24Z")
Here’s one I get use out once or twice a year. . . After someone tells a joke, pipe in with, "Hey I’ve got one! Say, ‘Knock knock.’ " Having just heard or told a joke, someone present usually goes for it, which leads to the inevitable, “Who’s there?” Something about the person being put on the spot to tell a knock-knock joke gets me every time. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Hampshire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hampshire/32/4887_2.png) [@Hampshire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hampshire)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/33 "2007-02-27T22:49:55Z")
I was in line at a Subway during the lunch hour rush yesterday and the people working behind the counter were trying to coordinate themselves to make the assembly line go faster. They were doing the “do you want it toasted?” thing and the lady at the head of the line was telling her co-worker guy “I put it in, you take it out.” I so immediately wanted to blurt out “That’s what she said!” but I was behind some woman in a business suit and in front of a mom with her kid. Opportunity wasted. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Ronald\_C.Semone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/cc9497/32.png) [@Ronald\_C.Semone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ronald_C.Semone)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/34 "2007-02-27T23:36:23Z")
In **Through The Looking Glass And What Alice Found There** , Lewis Carroll begins one of the greatest poems in English thusly: 'Twas brillig and the slithy toves/Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. Years later he defined most of the unusual terms in the poem. The wabe, he said, was the area around a sundial and it was called this because it went a long way before and a long way behind the sundial. When I first read this I was determined that some day I would use the word “wabe” in its proper context. Years passed , I was in college, drinking beer with some of my friends on the campus lawn. Someone asked where the churchkey was. I looked around and saw that it was on the grass next to a sundial. I couldn’t believe my good fortune. I cleared my throat and as I was about to say majestically “It is over there, on the wabe.” someone else blurted out, “There it is, on the grass next to the sundial.” For fifty years I have been looking for another opportunity to use that word! By the way, do college students today know what a “churchkey” is? ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f07891/32.png) [@Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Plastic_Ninja)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/35 "2007-02-27T23:50:01Z")
[QUOTE=Ronald C. Semone] By the way, do college students today know what a “churchkey” is? [/QUOTE] It’s one of those little metal things you used to use to open cans before you didn’t need to use those anymore, isn’t it? My mother has one. I think it’s called a churchkey. ---
**Author:** ![athelas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@athelas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/athelas)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/36 "2007-02-27T23:55:26Z")
[QUOTE=Ronald C. Semone] By the way, do college students today know what a “churchkey” is? [/QUOTE] Not this one. Being of Chinese descent (he said with more awkward phrasing than was strictly necessary), I’ve always wanted to go to a small public performance of _A Midsummer Night’s Dream_, and when they get to the line, > [@](#): > > And thou, oh wall, oh sweet, oh lovely wall: Show me thine chink - I want to yell out “HEY!,” then sit back down. ---
**Author:** ![Jayrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Jayrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayrot)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2007, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/37 "2007-02-28T00:00:19Z")
If I ever get a brain tumor (bad) I’ll be waiting to meet with the doctor so I can finally trot this one out (good): “This should be a relatively simple procedure, right? I mean, it’s not brain surgery.” This is probably a more likely situation to arise at one point, than to be collaborating closely with NASA engineers from the JPL. ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2007, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/38 "2007-02-28T00:06:53Z")
[QUOTE=KSO] As a brand new fan of The Office, I’m waiting for the opportunity to use “That’s what she said.” [/QUOTE] That’s the whole beauty of “that’s what she said.” There’s never a bad time to use it! (_That’s what she said!_) See? ---
**Author:** ![Jayrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Jayrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayrot)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2007, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/39 "2007-02-28T00:08:31Z")
[QUOTE=Troy McClure SF] See? [/QUOTE] Heh, that’s what _she_ said. Hey, you’re right! ---
**Author:** ![Saltire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saltire/32/553_2.png) [@Saltire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saltire)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2007, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/40 "2007-02-28T00:13:40Z")
[QUOTE=Jayrot] If I ever get a brain tumor (bad) I’ll be waiting to meet with the doctor so I can finally trot this one out (good): “This should be a relatively simple procedure, right? I mean, it’s not brain surgery.” This is probably a more likely situation to arise at one point, than to be collaborating closely with NASA engineers from the JPL. [/QUOTE] I once was a technical support tech for a popular drawing program. When we got a call, we’d see the customer’s information on our screens. I got a call once from the Johnson Space Center, from a woman who needed me to explain how to draw a straight line–The single easiest thing to do in any drawing program, and something covered in the first paragraph of the second section of the manual (first section was on installation, of course). As a customer servant, I just couldn’t. But I spent the whole call wanting to say, “Really, lady–It’s not rocket science!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907.md?page=3)