# Situational jokes you've always wanted to use **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 27, 2007, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907 "2007-02-27T19:07:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2007, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/81 "2007-02-28T23:04:10Z")
Once when I was in a store that validated parking for the parking garage, I handed the clerk my ticket and asked, “Can you validate me?” He replied, “You’re a very nice person.” I gave him a round of applause. When I was a young teenager, my mom was in college and one night at dinner was complaining about how she had to interpret a particular poem for class and she didn’t really understand it. The poem was “Ode to a Grecian Urn.” My ten-year-old brother asked innocently, “What’s a Grecian Urn?” and my father immediately yelled “ABOUT FIVE BUCKS AN HOUR!” Then he laughed and laughed – he said, “Son, that’s the world’s oldest joke and I’ve been waiting for YEARS to use it! You’re the world’s best straight man!” Dad still chuckles about it. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2007, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/82 "2007-02-28T23:08:17Z")
Oh, and one for myself: When I was a prep cook with a bunch of guys, one day they were discussing women’s breasts (“tits,” actually) just to get a rise out of me (the only girl) and it wasn’t working, so finally one just turned to me and asked, “Jodi, how do _you_ feel about tits?” I said, “Well, I’m very attached to mine.” _:: crickets ::_ Guess you had to be there. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/83 "2007-03-01T00:52:25Z")
[QUOTE=Hampshire] I’ve got this one down pat and use it quite a bit: stranger: “Do you smoke?” me: “Only when I’m on fire.” [/QUOTE] Similar, but I’ve only been able to use it once: “Do you run?” “Only when chased.” ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/84 "2007-03-01T01:03:31Z")
Speaking of situational humor. Sometimes there are jokes you shouldn’t use. For example, referring to senior corpsmen in the Navy as “Doc” is a common tradition. Do not, ever, ask that corpsman, “What’s up, Doc?” Trust me on this. ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/85 "2007-03-01T01:14:16Z")
[QUOTE=Phase42] _applause_ [/QUOTE] A rare, spur-of-the-moment set-up, lemme tell ya. I hope I have “I’m here to see my sister” engraved on my tombstone. (Which should bring its own set of chuckles.) ---
**Author:** ![Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/df705f/32.png) [@Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Full_Metal_Lotus)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/86 "2007-03-01T01:43:18Z")
Yrs ago, I was camping with friends at a camp site that featured outhouses… We were fairly close to one, and apparently some maintenence was going on, as loud hammering sounds were coming from it. My friend asked “What’s that noise?” I said," Just someone getting the sh\_t beat out of them…" Regards FML ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/87 "2007-03-01T04:25:12Z")
[QUOTE=Jodi] Oh, and one for myself: When I was a prep cook with a bunch of guys, one day they were discussing women’s breasts (“tits,” actually) just to get a rise out of me (the only girl) and it wasn’t working, so finally one just turned to me and asked, “Jodi, how do _you_ feel about tits?” I said, “Well, I’m very attached to mine.” _:: crickets ::_ Guess you had to be there. [/QUOTE] Well, _I_ laughed. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/88 "2007-03-01T04:35:43Z")
[QUOTE=Billdo] One that I get to use fairly often is when somebody says something like “I’m going to the breast cancer rally” or “I was at a sexual harassment seminar” is to innocently ask them: “Pro or con?” [/QUOTE] I’m waiting for someone to ask me “What do you think about the environment?” so I can say, “I’m in favour of it.” ---
**Author:** ![Rysto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecccb3/32.png) [@Rysto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysto)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/89 "2007-03-01T04:58:36Z")
I missed my opportunity to use this line in an earlier Harry Potter thread and I don’t think I’ll ever another chance. Someone asked what the differences between the “adult” Harry Potter novels and the normal ones. My answer: “You **do** know why the fandom calls Ron, Harry and Hermione the trio, right?” And if you want to be really gross, you can make some crack about them being called the Golden Trio… ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/90 "2007-03-01T05:09:54Z")
[QUOTE=Miller] Similar, but I’ve only been able to use it once: “Do you run?” “Only when chased.” [/QUOTE] Obvious rejoinder: “You haven’t been chaste since you hit puberty.” ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/91 "2007-03-01T07:03:36Z")
[QUOTE=Jodi] Obvious rejoinder: “You haven’t been chaste since you hit puberty.” [/QUOTE] On those rare occasions when someone says, “My virgin ears!” I can usually be relied upon to retort “Only hole you haven’t been…” ---
**Author:** ![MerryMagdalen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@MerryMagdalen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MerryMagdalen)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 10:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/92 "2007-03-01T10:24:57Z")
I got to use this one, but since it was apropos of nothing it doesn’t count… We have a new employee named My Linh. One day we were sitting around in the lab and I turned to the other two girls sitting there (a nursing student and a med tech student) and said: “If she was wearing a simple straight dress, it would be a My Linh sheath.” [(Myelin)](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myelin_sheath) They got it, and cracked up _hard_, but I’ll never be able to use it for real. ---
**Author:** ![nealybobs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecccb3/32.png) [@nealybobs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nealybobs)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/93 "2007-03-01T11:50:15Z")
[QUOTE=Jayrot] This is probably a more likely situation to arise at one point, than to be collaborating closely with NASA engineers from the JPL. [/QUOTE] One of my ex-coworkers graduated with a degree in aeronautical engineering which included studying rockets, on an almost daily basis I would hear him declare: “its not rocket science.. and I should know mwahahaha” i hated that guy ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/94 "2007-03-01T15:18:12Z")
An amputee mate of mine told me this and swears its true . While fighting in the Falklands war he got his leg blown off(that at least I know to be true) as he was lieing there screaming “I’ve lost my leg,I’ve lost my leg!” his mate turned round and said"no you haven’t ,its over there " You could look on this as airborne,graveyard humour I suppose,or it could be an extreme way to reassure a frightened casuality. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/95 "2007-03-01T15:57:26Z")
[QUOTE=Hampshire] I’ve got this one down pat and use it quite a bit: stranger: “Do you smoke?” me: “Only when I’m on fire.” [/QUOTE] And then there’s always: Them: Do you smoke after sex? You: I don’t know – I’ve never looked. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/96 "2007-03-01T16:22:36Z")
[QUOTE=Hampshire] I’ve got this one down pat and use it quite a bit: stranger: “Do you smoke?” me: “Only when I’m on fire.” [/QUOTE] He: “What’s your poison?” Me: “Coke, please.” He: “No, your _poison._” Me: “Coke’s poisonous.” He: “Aw, I wanted to get you drunk.” Me: “You don’t HAVE to get me drunk, honey.” ---
**Author:** ![trupa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/aeb1de/32.png) [@trupa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/trupa)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/97 "2007-03-01T17:18:46Z")
I was buying a rubber chicken for the ceremony to lift the curse on a secretary we liked (_every travel arrangement she made resulted in minor disasters for the employee travelling: hurricanes in New-Jersey, snow storm in Dallas, airport power outages, travel agency mix-ups, etc_) I walk up to the till, and say, with a sincere, concerned tone: _“Ï wish to complain about this rubber chicken. He’s dead…”_ The girl was game enough, alright: she apologised and said they had to kill them when they put them in those plastic bags. But I guess she was too young for Monty Python, and a chance for a moment of greatness was lost… ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/98 "2007-03-01T17:22:34Z")
**trupa** , complete hijack here, but I have to know: Did the ceremony work? ---
**Author:** ![Sleel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/73ab20/32.png) [@Sleel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleel)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2007, 7:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/99 "2007-03-02T07:16:06Z")
I have no idea if this was quick-wittedness or years in the making. I was in a car with a few friends, all of whom happened to be gay, and the driver was trying to figure out how to get to our destination. I was the only one who kind of knew the area, so I was yelling directions from the back seat. Driver: “Intersection. Right, left?” Me: “Go straight.” Passenger: “I can’t honey. God knows we’ve _all_ tried.” I cracked a friend up with the line, “One-hundred and _two_ uses!” back when I was in high school. Haven’t found a good opportunity for that one since then. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Rieux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Dr.Rieux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Rieux)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2007, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907/100 "2007-03-02T07:21:22Z")
Our theatre professor’s first name is Forrest (but he goes by “Chip”). I’m just waiting for the perfect opportunity to yell, “Run, Forrest, run!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/situational-jokes-youve-always-wanted-to-use/393907.md?page=6)