# SLOWLY I TURNED, step by step, inch by inch . . . **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 10, 2004, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621 "2004-06-10T11:56:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![bienville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@bienville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bienville)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2004, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/1 "2004-06-10T11:56:42Z")
How many of you know this bit? I don’t know the origins but I assume it’s just an old vaudeville bit because I’ve seen it done by a few comedy teams, each putting their own spin on it. If you can, help refresh my memory. I think I saw it once on I Love Lucy, but I can’t remember who performed it or how they fit it into the show. I also think I might have seen it on the Abbott and Costello Show, although I’m quite certain it wasn’t done by Bud and Lou (might have been Lou and a guest star?). Can anyone fill in my memory gaps on this? Also, who else have you seen perform this bit? For those of you who don’t know the bit: There is the lead and the stooge. The lead tells his story of how his wife left him for another man. He recounts how he chased after them and he finally caught up with them. When he finds them he attacks his wife’s lover in a violent rage. Now, there is always a key word that he won’t speak while retelling the story. He explains that he won’t speak the word because even hearing it sends him into a rage and he becomes violent again. When the word comes up in the story he just gives clues as to what the word is. As he gives the clues the stooge guesses the word, blurting it out. Upon hearing the word the lead becomes possessed with rage and reenacts his violent episode putting the stooge in the place of his wife’s lover, the stooge gets violently beaten (funny part). When the lead comes back out of his trance he stops beating the stooge and apologizes. He explains that madness overtook him, that he just can’t control himself when he hears “that word”. The stooge says, “Oh, you mean . . . ?” This sends the lead back into his violent episode and the stooge gets beaten up again. They repeat this over and over for as long as they can make it funny. SLOWLY I TURNED . . . (This is the hook that stays the same no matter who is performing the bit.) Once, as I saw it performed, the word that could not be said was the lead’s wife’s name (Martha). He would explain “I can’t say her name, but it was the same name as George Washington’s wife.” “Oh, you mean Martha?” But the far superior performance featured the name of the place where he finally caught up with his wife and her lover. He describes the place and the stooge says “Oh, you mean Niagra Falls?” NIAGRA FALLS! Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch, And I . . . (bang, crash, smash, the stooge gets pummeled) So, who else knows it? Whose performances are you familiar with? ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2004, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/2 "2004-06-10T12:13:01Z")
[Slowly I turned origin](http://www.niagarafallsreporter.com/slowly.html): > [@](#): > > Where’d that come from? Some remember it as an old Abbott and Costello or Three Stooges routine. Others may recall it from an episode of _I Love Lucy_. > > [snip] > > This little skit, and its centerpiece phrase, have become so well known that its authorship would seem to be lost in the mists of time, like an old folk ballad. > > Extensive research (i.e., Web-surfing) has revealed that comic Joey Faye claimed authorship of “Slowly I Turned” in its many formats. Born Joseph Palladino in 1909 on Manhattan’s Lower East Side, he appeared in burlesque and vaudeville shows, usually as a sidekick to the star, often Phil Silvers… ---
**Author:** ![bienville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@bienville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bienville)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2004, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/3 "2004-06-10T13:02:38Z")
Great link **Johnny**! Seems like Lucy and the Stooges used “Niagra Falls” as the keyword. Bud and Lou used “Pokomoko”. Anyone have any idea where I might have heard the “Martha” version? ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2004, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/4 "2004-06-10T13:13:46Z")
I heard it with the magic word being “Constantinople,” but I don’t remember who did it. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2004, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/5 "2004-06-10T13:15:09Z")
Abbott & Costello also did a routine similar to this where Costello was wearing a hat, and whenever he said “Susquehanna Hat Company”, the person he was talking to would tear his hat off and destroy it. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2004, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/6 "2004-06-10T13:21:31Z")
Oddly enough, this is the _third_ “Slowly I turned . . .” thread in the last six months—which is one of the reasons I love this place. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2004, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/7 "2004-06-10T13:24:33Z")
Jeez! Where was I? Man, I love the Stooges. I had a friend whose parents didn’t let them watch the Stooges. My folks, on the other hand, thought it was good for us to occasionally slam each other in the head or “fake” poke each others eyes out. Kept us in line. Wooo-wooo-wooo! Why…I oughta… ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2004, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/8 "2004-06-10T13:27:58Z")
> [@](#): > > Abbott & Costello also did a routine similar to this where Costello was wearing a hat, and whenever he said “Susquehanna Hat Company”, the person he was talking to would tear his hat off and destroy it. I meant to post that in my first reply! I remembered it, and was just off to check on the spelling of “Susquehanna”; but you’ve beaten me to it. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2004, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/9 "2004-06-10T14:00:48Z")
“Then don’t do that! Ten dollars, please.” Now that we’ve got “Slowly I Turned . . .” where we want it, anyone up for a rendition of “Dr. Kronkheit & His Only Living Patient” or “Cohen on the Telephone?” ---
**Author:** ![Mal\_Adroit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@Mal\_Adroit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mal_Adroit)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2004, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/10 "2004-06-10T15:37:48Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > Abbott & Costello also did a routine similar to this where Costello was wearing a hat, and whenever he said “Susquehanna Hat Company”, the person he was talking to would tear his hat off and destroy it. Geez, I love that bit. The name of the street they were looking for was also an insanity trigger for people. . . was it “Bagle Street”? ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2004, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/11 "2004-06-10T16:45:39Z")
> [@Moody Bastard](#): > > Geez, I love that bit. The name of the street they were looking for was also an insanity trigger for people. . . was it “Bagle Street”? Bagle Street? AAAAIIIIIEEEEE! My husband was killed on Bagle Street! And he would be alive today, if only he’d been wearing a GOOD hat when that safe fell on his head!!! ---
**Author:** ![Mal\_Adroit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@Mal\_Adroit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mal_Adroit)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2004, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/12 "2004-06-10T16:49:18Z")
(hee!) ---
**Author:** ![a35362](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@a35362](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/a35362)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2004, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/13 "2004-06-10T19:39:53Z")
Okay, how about “You can call me Jay, or you can call me Ray!..” (etc.) Where does _that_ come from? ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2004, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/14 "2004-06-10T19:51:49Z")
> [@a35362](#): > > Okay, how about “You can call me Jay, or you can call me Ray!..” (etc.) > > Where does _that_ come from? Either Flip Wilson’s comedy show or The Gong Show. Google is your friend. ---
**Author:** ![Papermache\_Prince](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f05b48/32.png) [@Papermache\_Prince](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Papermache_Prince)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2004, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/15 "2004-06-10T19:55:03Z")
Easy - catch phrase of the improv group the Ace Trucking Company; [Fred Willard](http://www.chumpchangethemovie.com/cast/willard.html) was one of the founding members. [Bill Saluga](http://gogomag.com/cgi-bin/eboard30/index2.cgi?frames=no&board=tv&mode=Archived&message=2900) as Raymond J. Johnson Jr. had the lines. > [@](#): > > Raymond J. Johnson, Jr. is my name. > You can call me Raymond, or you can call me Ray. > You can call me Johnson, or you can call me Jay. > You can call me Junior, or you can call me Son-ny. > But youse don’t have to call me Mister. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2004, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/16 "2004-06-10T23:16:56Z")
I’ve heard the following shouted from the audience at showings of Rocky Horror Picture Show, during the scene where Riff is turning against Dr. Frankenfurter: Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch, millimeter by FUCKING MILLIMETER! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FUCK A MILLIMETER?! YOU’D HAVE TO USE HIS DICK! (At this point some random schmoe gets targeted and everyone points at him. Often it’s a “Rocky virgin”, that is, someone who hasn’t been to a show before and has various crude things written on his face with lipstick. By his friends, of course.) ---
**Author:** ![vl\_mungo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc8723/32.png) [@vl\_mungo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vl_mungo)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2004, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/17 "2004-06-10T23:18:42Z")
Pretty sure I saw the “slowly I turned sketch” for the first time on **Gilligan’s Island** , but I haven’t been able to google up any further info on it. ---
**Author:** ![Hail\_Ants](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/dc4da7/32.png) [@Hail\_Ants](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hail_Ants)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2004, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/18 "2004-06-11T01:49:51Z")
Hmm… I’m positive that when Abbot & Costello did it on their TV show the key word was Niagara Falls. Costello was in a jail cell for some reason and the guy doing the bit was his scraggly looking cellmate (who was played by that bald actor who also played their landlord). Maybe they did it more than once. They did this sometimes on MST3K when someone said Niagara Falls. ---
**Author:** ![Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/earl_snake-hips_tucker/32/3269_2.png) [@Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earl_Snake-Hips_Tucker)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2004, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/19 "2004-06-11T03:12:35Z")
BTW, I remember a time when Raymond Burr was a guest on “The Sonny and Cher” show (in which he did a stirring rendition of “Windmills of Your Mind”), and he and someone else in the cast did that routine, only the keyword was “Nantucket.” That was actually the first time I had ever seen that skit, not seeing the Stooges’ version until years later. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2004, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621/20 "2004-06-11T16:33:31Z")
> [@a35362](#): > > Okay, how about “You can call me Jay, or you can call me Ray!..” (etc.) > > Where does _that_ come from? The bowels of Hell? > [@sturmhauke](#): > > ``` > I've heard the following shouted from the audience at showings of Rocky Horror Picture Show, during the scene where Riff is turning against Dr. Frankenfurter > > ``` It’s when Riff turns to confront Dr Scott after his ass-kissing line “You did right.” Frank’s already dead by then. We never got into the “fucking milimeter” part because it would have stepped on Riff’s line “A decision had to be made” which is ever-so-much more important than a dick joke. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slowly-i-turned-step-by-step-inch-by-inch/249621.md?page=2)