# Smacking your kids **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 10, 2013, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854 "2013-08-10T05:05:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![GusNSpot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gusnspot/32/436_2.png) [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2013, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/61 "2013-08-13T18:07:02Z")
I am surprised at the number of childless adults making absolute statements in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2013, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/62 "2013-08-13T18:18:46Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > Just yesterday, someone on another board was talking about a parenting board she posts on, and she’d seen posts from mothers who were saying things like, “I think my 3-year-old has oppositional defiant disorder. I asked him nicely 3 times to pick up his toys, and when he didn’t, I had to hit him.” :rolleyes: > > ODD is simply a term for “crappy parents”. As a parent of an ODD kid, you have no idea what you speak of. We live in a constant hell of having to outsmart and anticipate him in everything he does or it’s bedlam. I should give him to you for 24 hours, you would know a little better of what you speak. Do we spank? Very, VERY rarely and only after repeated warnings. We don’t hit to hurt (five quick swats on a clothed backside), we do it because they understand that this is an EXTREME punishment and that they have really let us down. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2013, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/63 "2013-08-13T18:22:27Z")
> [@GusNSpot](#): > > I am surprised at the number of childless adults making absolute statements in this thread. Are you really? ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2013, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/64 "2013-08-13T18:25:41Z")
> [@The Great Sun Jester](#): > > Are you really? I’m not. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2013, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/65 "2013-08-13T18:35:36Z")
> [@perfectparanoia](#): > > As a parent of an ODD kid, you have no idea what you speak of. We live in a constant hell of having to outsmart and anticipate him in everything he does or it’s bedlam. I should give him to you for 24 hours, you would know a little better of what you speak. One of my close friends has a son with ODD almost exactly the same age as my son (may be a month or two apart). My son was persistent, logical (he could debate you to death about the intricacies of a rule if you let him) and similar interests and habits as her son. The qualitative difference between his behavior and my son’s behavior was unbelievable. Her ODD diagnosed son made my persistent/tough kid look like a model of flexibility. And they were really good, consistent and reasonable parents. We spent a lot of time together and I saw her in action. We had very similar parenting styles. On my son it worked like a charm. Her son was just hard-wired differently. I’m sure some parents just say their kid is ODD as as an excuse, but real ODD diagnosis is not just an acting out kid. ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2013, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/66 "2013-08-13T19:00:10Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > One of my close friends has a son with ODD almost exactly the same age as my son (may be a month or two apart). My son was persistent, logical (he could debate you to death about the intricacies of a rule if you let him) and similar interests and habits as her son. > > The qualitative difference between his behavior and my son’s behavior was unbelievable. Her ODD diagnosed son made my persistent/tough kid look like a model of flexibility. And they were really good, consistent and reasonable parents. We spent a lot of time together and I saw her in action. We had very similar parenting styles. On my son it worked like a charm. Her son was just hard-wired differently. > > I’m sure some parents just say their kid is ODD as as an excuse, but real ODD diagnosis is not just an acting out kid. Amen! Preach it, sister! My parents (who were excellent parents and great grandparents) nearly had to stop babysitting for us since they couldn’t handle it. The worst part is, he is such a nice little guy. He loves to help people. He is kind. He would share anything with you.\* He just needs to defy. And he hates it, too for the most part after things settle down. \*For example, we went to a donut shop and I told him he could have two donut holes or he could have one for himself and take one home to his sister. He insisted that we take one home to her. He proudly ran in the house with it to give it to her. He will not have a freezie or candy or fruit unless all his friends can have one, too. If there isn’t enough he just does without. Cause that’s not fair. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2013, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/67 "2013-08-13T19:06:42Z")
> [@GusNSpot](#): > > I am surprised at the number of childless adults making absolute statements in this thread. True, you really can’t speak from experience until you’ve beaten your own children. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2013, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/68 "2013-08-13T19:15:01Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > True, you really can’t speak from experience until you’ve beaten your own children. It’s more the childless ones who claim all kids these days need is a good smack and that’ll fix 'em. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2013, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/69 "2013-08-13T19:29:09Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > True, you really can’t speak from experience until you’ve beaten your own children. You are sick, sick, sick … but right. I know this was another light-heartd jibe (which I thoroughly enjoy, by the way), but until you’ve actually smacked your own kid and thought about it afterward, you really have no idea if you can implement that sort of action effectively as part of your parenting toolkit. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2013, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/70 "2013-08-13T19:40:56Z")
We’ve never hit our kids, and with the younger one 15 now, I’m pretty sure we never will. It’d be hypocritical to tell them that violence is not the answer but spank them. I wouldn’t put up with a situation where I could be hit as a punishment, and so I wouldn’t subject my kids to it. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2013, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/71 "2013-08-14T00:27:47Z")
> [@August\_West](#): > > My kids are told “No hitting”, and I don’t see any reason why I’m excepted from that rule. Ah, see…I don’t recall ever telling my kids no hitting ever. It’s hit, rarely, with plenty of previous warnings and consequences, but when nothing else stops the behavior that’s adversely affecting you or someone in your care, hit 'em and hit 'em so it counts. Only once did my son hit another person that I’m aware of, and it was a creeper at a party who kept goading him to “show off your karate chops, buddy!” After several repetitions of, “No, thank you,” and “You’re bothering me, please stop,” and even going to get a grownup to intervene, this guy would just not stop, and then he started patting the kid on the ass. So my 10 year old laid him out flat on his very embarrassed back. Good boy. ---
**Author:** ![August\_West](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/august_west/32/18069_2.png) [@August\_West](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/August_West)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2013, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/72 "2013-08-14T14:55:03Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Ah, see…I don’t recall ever telling my kids no hitting ever. It’s hit, rarely, with plenty of previous warnings and consequences, but when nothing else stops the behavior that’s adversely affecting you or someone in your care, hit 'em and hit 'em so it counts. > > Only once did my son hit another person that I’m aware of, and it was a creeper at a party who kept goading him to “show off your karate chops, buddy!” After several repetitions of, “No, thank you,” and “You’re bothering me, please stop,” and even going to get a grownup to intervene, this guy would just not stop, and then he started patting the kid on the ass. So my 10 year old laid him out flat on his very embarrassed back. Good boy. My 2 kids are aged 8 months and just turned 3, so we haven’t reached the ages where I can draw distinctions between hitting in self-defense and hitting because you’re sleepy and don’t want to take your shirt off. It’s a valid point, I’m just not there yet. ---
**Author:** ![Grapefruit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@Grapefruit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grapefruit)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2013, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/73 "2013-08-14T16:46:42Z")
Spanking your kids might be an effective form of discipline but what it is at the core is the laziest form of discipline. I was spanked constantly as a kid for no other reason than that my parents wanted to show who was boss and spanking was the most efficient way to do it. I can sort of understand that a the end of a long day of work and then having to do work around the house doesn’t leave a lot of time for discipline. They would much rather spend two seconds putting the unruly kids in line by raising a hand than the fifteen it would take to talk it out. My resentment for their spanking is among the many issues I have with my parents, but what bugs me about the spanking specifically is that they never once asked “Why did you do that?” They never really understood treating the cause and not the symptoms. Their parenting methods were pretty shitty even by the standards of their generation and culture, but I’ve mostly gotten over it. I don’t plan on having kids, but that’s because I know I wouldn’t have the patience not to smack them when they act up. That’s the luxury of my generation, though. Parenting take a lot of time and patience, so either be up for the hard work or not have any. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2013, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/74 "2013-08-14T18:53:02Z")
> [@Grapefruit](#): > > I was spanked constantly as a kid for no other reason than that my parents wanted to show who was boss and spanking was the most efficient way to do it. I think that’s really the heart of the matter. It’s not that spanking is the worst thing around, it’s that parents who tend to spank a lot are some of the worst parents around. So we have a lot of associations with spanking that aren’t really about spanking…they’re about lazy, stupid, unimaginative and generally crappy parents. While good parents can (occasionally) spank without causing lasting harm, bad parents are more likely to spank, and it’s their bad parenting which causes lasting harm. Correlation, not causation. ---
**Author:** ![GusNSpot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gusnspot/32/436_2.png) [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2013, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/75 "2013-08-14T19:10:01Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > I think that’s really the heart of the matter. It’s not that spanking is the worst thing around, it’s that parents who tend to spank a lot are some of the worst parents around. So we have a lot of associations with spanking that aren’t really about spanking…they’re about lazy, stupid, unimaginative and generally crappy parents. While good parents can (occasionally) spank without causing lasting harm, bad parents are more likely to spank, and it’s their bad parenting which causes lasting harm. Correlation, not causation. ^^^^^^^^^^^ This. Well said WhyNot. ---
**Author:** ![UltraVires](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecccb3/32.png) [@UltraVires](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UltraVires)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2013, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/76 "2013-08-17T19:07:59Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > I think that’s really the heart of the matter. It’s not that spanking is the worst thing around, it’s that parents who tend to spank a lot are some of the worst parents around. So we have a lot of associations with spanking that aren’t really about spanking…they’re about lazy, stupid, unimaginative and generally crappy parents. While good parents can (occasionally) spank without causing lasting harm, bad parents are more likely to spank, and it’s their bad parenting which causes lasting harm. Correlation, not causation. I support corporal punishment, but I also agree with this statement 100%. Spanking your kid should be a supplement, not a substitute for, getting them to understand why their behavior is wrong and what needs done to correct it. ---
**Author:** ![TBG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c89c15/32.png) [@TBG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TBG)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2013, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/77 "2013-08-17T21:24:45Z")
> [@Lightlystarched](#): > > I don’t believe hitting _anyone_ ever helped a situation. Getting spanked certainly helped me be a more well behaved child. ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/78 "2013-08-19T22:29:53Z")
We only spank rarely. It’s reserved for dangerous situations (e.g., breaking away in the street) or when one of them is intentionally trying to push the envelope (especially when the others are watching, but sometimes even alone). Generally, I can wrangle them into line by asking, “Do you want a happy Daddy or an angry Daddy?” 99% of the time they’ll say they want a happy Daddy, not because they’re afraid I’ll hit them in anger, but because that’s the kind of Daddy more likely to read an extra bedtime story. ---
**Author:** ![Learjeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/94ad74/32.png) [@Learjeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Learjeff)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854/79 "2013-08-19T23:31:31Z")
> [@Lightlystarched](#): > > I don’t believe hitting _anyone_ ever helped a situation. I had to spank my son, once, to establish my authority. I married his mother and adopted him. At age 4 or 5, the first time she had to leave early and I had to get him dressed for school, he refused to cooperate. Have you ever tried to dress a kid who is trying his hardest not to be dressed? I tried everything I could think of, from making a game of it, tickling, and every TV dad I’d ever seen. Nothing worked. So I finally told him quite clearly that he had to get dressed, or he’d get a spanking. Understand? Yes. Cooperate? No. So I spanked him, smacking his butt smartly in a way that I knew would sting but do no harm. He cried for a moment and then let me help him into his clothes. I’m sure it would have been far less effective for me to figure out a way to thwart his resitance and dress him with some kind of struggle. That was the only time I had to spank him. I’d have done it again, under the same circumstances, which in the military they’d call “disobeying a direct order”. I don’t think it would help to correct any kind of behavioural problem or habitual issues, but when I say we need to do something and do it now, and it has to happen, then it has to happen. > [@panache45](#): > > I have some very vivid memories of my childhood with an abusive father. I’m not talking about anything like a “controlled” discipline; I’m talking about a man who would totally lose control and act out of anger and rage. What kind of monster would beat the crap out of a 6-year-old who hadn’t even done anything wrong? So I’m totally against any kind of physical discipline of kids. It’s just another form of bullying, and isn’t in any way constructive. Don’t forget, you’re supposed to be the adult, not acting like another child. I feel for you! However, this is a false dichotomy. Abuse is intolerable. There’s no question about that. But spanking under the right circumstances isn’t abuse, and it’s _very_ different from what you experienced. But I understand how you feel, and hope it works out well for you. Chances are good. > [@Clothahump](#): > > Spanking is a very viable means of discipline. It should be the last resort and it should be expressed as a direct result of the child’s actions. That’s my view. I also doubt it’s of much benefit past a fairly young age. My folks whooped me, up to age 13 or so. They were great parents and I love them dearly. I posed problems they tried everything to solve but couldn’t. The whoopings didn’t help, but they didn’t cause me any harm, either. I knew why I was getting them, and could easily have avoided them. I had unresolvable problems with my son too, but thanks to this lesson, I avoided useless whoopings. > [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > My personal stance is that the answer varies by child. Ain’t that the truth! I know I was different from my siblings. My anecdote about my son above is a data point of 1. I’m sure it applies to other cases, but I’m sure it doesn’t apply to them all. > [@Heropsychodreamer](#): > > Even in the possible circumstance that a spanking or hitting does work, there are other, better methods that can be used. Sure, those other, better methods should be used first! > [@](#): > > I cannot fathom hitting somebody who is completely defenseless, under any circumstance. At best it is lazy parenting, IMHO. At worst is it sadistic. And there, you’re wrong. Sometimes, it’s just the right kind of parenting, and not the least bit lazy or ignorant. Maybe if we all had PhD’s in behavior management we’d avoid the need … but then, maybe not. I strongly suspect that anyone who uses spankings often and repeatedly isn’t doing any good with the spankings. If it’s not working, there’s no point continuing. I heartily disagree with those above who say you should reason with a child rather than spank, as a blanket statement. You can’t reason with a two- or three-year-old; they haven’t developed the mental tools for it. At four, sometimes, but often not. You don’t always have to answer when they ask, “Why?” I used to say “I reserve the right to be arbitrary. If you ever have kids, you will too.” He learned what the word “arbitrary” meant, and didn’t get some BS reason for why it’s time to go home from the fair now. Point out the reasons when the reasons are what you want them to learn. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smacking-your-kids/665854.md?page=3)