# Small talk: Do you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 7, 2011, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132 "2011-11-07T03:04:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Lanzy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/74df32/32.png) [@Lanzy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lanzy)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2011, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/21 "2011-11-07T17:41:48Z")
I can talk about nothing with anyone for hours. No one ever gets angry, its talking about big stuff I avoid. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2011, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/22 "2011-11-07T18:22:18Z")
I’m not sure I even get the question. What kind of talk is “small”? Compare it to music. It would be pretty annoying if every single note was part of a long drawn out guitar solo. Sometimes you just want to find a mellow groove. It makes the solos stand out all the more. Having said that, some of the best conversations I’ve had were silly and pointless. Not everything needs to be Shakespeare. ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2011, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/23 "2011-11-07T18:26:11Z")
Why all the hate for weather talk? Sure, it’s not a profound or informative conversation, but it’s the only thing about which you can be sure a stranger can say something. It’s just sort of a social convention. What are you supposed to say? “What’s your opinion on the reliability of Honda Civics?” ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2011, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/24 "2011-11-07T18:58:23Z")
I _can_ enjoy small talk, but at work I am forced to do it so many times a day with so many people, chances are on any given day that I’ve already been small-talked to death. > [@Mijin](#): > > Oh, I tell you what I really hate though: small talk _humour_. > > Those light-hearted comments about how the wife must be obeyed, how chocolate is the most important thing ever, how one can’t function without coffee etc. So lame. Oh god! It nearly makes me cry. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2011, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/25 "2011-11-07T22:57:54Z")
I don’t mind small talk. But what’s up with small talk and old people? It’s like they don’t know when to shut up. I normally encounter these people when I’m in the check out line at the grocery or a restaurant. As I’m standing in line waiting; fine, let’s have small talk. But when it comes time for me to pay; please shut up! Don’t keep trying to talk to me as I am trying to deal with the cashier. It’s annoying. Ironically, I find that old people are much better at small talk than most. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2011, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/26 "2011-11-07T23:14:38Z")
Of course I make small talk. I’m not a psycho. You know all that bullshit people write back and forth in here and think it’s so important because it’s on the internet? Same thing as small talk. Think of it like a “noisy email” or “blogging with your mouth”. ---
**Author:** ![BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2011, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/27 "2011-11-08T00:28:22Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Exactly. I’m perfectly comfortable with silence (I spend most days alone and not talking), but when I’m in a social situation, I make an effort to get to know the people I’m socializing with. I don’t do brainless small talk, though - I am actually making an effort to get to know the people, and am paying attention to their answers and looking for openings for an actual conversation. > [@Cryptic\_C62](#): > > It’s easy. You just immediately dive into the probing questions as soon as you’ve learned the person’s name: > > Friend: “Hey Cryptic, this is my friend Nargit. Nargit, this is Cryptic.” > Nargit: “Nice to meet you, Cryptic.” > Me: “Yup. So what do you want to change about the world?” or “What would you do if you had more time?” or “What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?” > > Sometimes it takes a bit of clarification to get anything useful, but usually it leads to very satisfying conversation. If all they can do is mumble incoherently or dance around the question, I walk away. I absolutely love conversations like this, to the extent that all of my close friends warn their friends of “the interrogation”. Weather? Football? Where the person is from? DGAF. I think I prefer **Cat Whisperer** ’s approach to this, as you can gauge topics that someone might want to get deep about. I’d be more interested talking about the problems in Japanese government than about the starving children in Africa, but if you just lead in with a “What do you want to change about the world” question, how do I know that I’ll select a topic we can both discuss to the other’s satisfaction? If I start going on about Japan, what are you going to have to say about it? Whereas if we start with each others’ jobs and interests, we can build to a mutually discussable topic, after finding that we both have interest in the Electric Light Orchestra, for example. Your method seems to leave just as many problems with the starting from small talk method, which is that starting on a broad but interesting question might leave one person or the other floundering until you can find something that you’re both able to discuss. I think this thread might be having a problem with the definition of small talk. Some people are classifying it as talking about stuff that doesn’t mean anything (eg “Cold today, huh?” “Yep.”). But other people are seeing it as small questions that could lead to somewhere else (eg “What do you like to do with yourself”). If we’re going by the first definition, I’ll engage in that at the beginning of job interviews, or with someone I don’t like, for instance. ---
**Author:** ![Kozmik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8dc957/32.png) [@Kozmik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kozmik)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2011, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/28 "2011-11-08T00:50:05Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > You know all that bullshit people write back and forth in here and think it’s so important because it’s on the internet? Yeah. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2011, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/29 "2011-11-08T02:37:24Z")
> [@Kozmik](#): > > Yeah. Are you cranky because I hurt the internet’s feelings? ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2011, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/30 "2011-11-08T03:09:28Z")
Oh, how I wish that I \*could \*do small talk. I’m constantly amazed at the apparent ease with which normal people can chatter away endlessly about nothing and everything, even with people they barely know. It doesn’t seem to take any effort. It’s like watching a different species. Personally, I hardly ever have a conversation where don’t feel uncomfortable, or where I actually have a clue what to say, or where I don’t almost certainly come off like a psycho. (Occasionally, though - once in a \*very \*blue moon - I meet someone who I \*can \*talk easily too. And when that happens, it almost always turns into an actual friendship. It seems to be all or nothing.) ---
**Author:** ![Kozmik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8dc957/32.png) [@Kozmik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kozmik)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2011, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/31 "2011-11-08T03:16:30Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Are you cranky because I hurt the internet’s feelings? No. ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2011, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/32 "2011-11-08T03:19:37Z")
I am comfortable with silence, but I like people and enjoy getting to know them. Small talk doesn’t have to be stupid or dull; about the weather or cringe-worthy jokes of pure triteness. It can be clever and quick or flirty and fun. It can put people at ease. It’s the way you get to know strangers who might turn out to be friends. I find the wider and deeper and more intricate my social connections, the happier I am. More opportunities, diversity of thought, and interesting situations come my way. YMMV, of course. ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2011, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/33 "2011-11-08T05:34:51Z")
My previous job doing corporate tech support (via phone) really fine tuned my small talk skills. Even people who are totally cool with in-person silence will often feel that long stretches of phone silence are awkward. One of my old standbys during long stretches of slow installations/scans/etc. was to say something like, “as you can see, working in IT is pretty action-packed most days!” It was a great ice breaker since it was an extremely mild self-ribbing that says what they’re usually thinking (“JFC, this shit is so fucking boring! THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!!!”) in a polite way. > [@EvilTOJ](#): > > I suck at small talk, especially with people I don’t know well or at all. I wish I knew how to do it, but\*\* it seems like people who engage in small talk really aren’t thinking, their brain is just shunting all random thoughts directly to the mouth.\*\* I have to say that the bolded part nicely (and probably unintentionally) supports the assertion put forth in the first sentence. My reaction when reading this was, “yeah, it’s easy to believe you suck at small talk when you go on to insult those who _don’t_ suck at it!” The topics in small talk may be inane, but that doesn’t mean that the small-talkers aren’t thinking. The fact that small talk is a skill that is NOT universal should show that. The best small talkers know how to read cues (body language, phrases which indicate non-interest/interest, tone of voice, what the person has said before small talk starts, etc.) to guide the conversation (choose what topics to use, whether to switch to a different topic or continue a bit more with the current one, or even just to end, with finesse, when you can tell the other person doesn’t really want to talk small) in a totally natural and seemingly effortless way. ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2011, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/34 "2011-11-08T06:51:28Z")
Yes, I do it all the time. It does not need to be boring at all. It’s how I get to know people. Depending on where and with whom I am talking with will determine the tone of the conversation and whether the small talk exchanged leads to a friendship. I’ve made some lasting friendships that began with small talk, but I am the type of person who can talk to just about anyone with ease. It may be in just a passing moment, or with someone who you see repeatedly at work, or the grocery store… heck, I talk to one of the checkers at my local grocery store about scooters and motorcycles. I talk to one of the patrons at my work about music and another one about cooking rabbit. My name is unusual, and it often leads to interesting conversation. Small talk can be witty, flirtatious and fun, too. It’s my favorite kind, actually! Sometimes it can lead to getting to know a person quite well. How else do people get to know each other? Most of us don’t dive into deep conversations with someone the minute we meet them…although that does happen sometimes. Silence is good, too. I’ll shut up now. ---
**Author:** ![Jaledin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jaledin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaledin)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2011, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/35 "2011-11-08T07:10:08Z")
I enjoy light jabbering with people I don’t know very well or have only just met/ran into. But can’t stand it with friends and family – I’d rather get into the shit rather than just bullshitting to pass the time. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2011, 8:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/36 "2011-11-08T08:59:31Z")
> [@Cryptic\_C62](#): > > It’s easy. You just immediately dive into the probing questions as soon as you’ve learned the person’s name: > > Friend: “Hey Cryptic, this is my friend Nargit. Nargit, this is Cryptic.” > Nargit: “Nice to meet you, Cryptic.” > Me: “Yup. So what do you want to change about the world?” or “What would you do if you had more time?” or “What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?” > > Sometimes it takes a bit of clarification to get anything useful, but usually it leads to very satisfying conversation. If all they can do is mumble incoherently or dance around the question, I walk away. I absolutely love conversations like this, to the extent that all of my close friends warn their friends of “the interrogation”. Weather? Football? Where the person is from? DGAF. I used to do this. But I learned quickly that this was rather offputting to many people. Fortunately, I also learned at this time that most people love talking about themselves, which allowed me to use the same basic style, but shift it to unimportant topics that most people love to talk about. And shifting to the harder topics just happens automatically. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2011, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/37 "2011-11-08T12:23:37Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Of course I make small talk. I’m not a psycho. > You know all that bullshit people write back and forth in here and think it’s so important because it’s on the internet? Same thing as small talk. Think of it like a “noisy email” or “blogging with your mouth”. Love it, **msmith537**! And agree wholeheartedly. A strict diet of earth-shattering conversation would be as boring as continually grazing on small talk. Without small talk, I probably wouldn’t have met any of my friends. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2011, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/38 "2011-11-08T14:58:02Z")
I think that there’s a big difference between one person talking about inane nothings and two people talking about inane nothings. One is annoying bore, the other is a conversation. ---
**Author:** ![Chopper9760](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/cdc98d/32.png) [@Chopper9760](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chopper9760)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2011, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/39 "2011-11-08T18:18:36Z")
> [@Jaledin](#): > > I enjoy light jabbering with people I don’t know very well or have only just met/ran into. But can’t stand it with friends and family – I’d rather get into the shit rather than just bullshitting to pass the time. Well said. I don’t require a level of depth or meaning, I just don’t think silences are uncomfortable, nor do they need to be filled. My grandmother just won’t shut up. She always remarks that everyone else is finished eating before her, it’s a miracle she eats at all considering the constant stream of inane chatter. She probably feels it’s a social responsibility to keep up the conversation but to me it just seems like she’s not comfortable enough around me to let the conversation ebb and flow naturally. ---
**Author:** ![tr0psn4j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2011, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132/40 "2011-11-08T19:00:01Z")
So… how about them local sports team? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/small-talk-do-you/602132.md?page=3)