# Smallville: Clark should tell Lana Lang his secret, then do her. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [September 27, 2002, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smallville-clark-should-tell-lana-lang-his-secret-then-do-her/129885 "2002-09-27T15:54:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smallville-clark-should-tell-lana-lang-his-secret-then-do-her/129885/1 "2002-09-27T15:54:55Z")
I mean, really, this is a no-brainer. She obviously knew something was going on in the last episode, and really wants to know what it is. Plus, she’s like Clark’s best friend and all. And it never really occurred to me before now, but being the Boy of Steel has got to be a great way to score. Not because of the obvious dick jokes, but because what woman _wouldn’t_ want a man strong enough to always protect her? Talk about feeling secure. Put all of this together, and it makes a compelling reason to tell someone. But when the someone who already suspects the truth is almost your girlfriend and looks like[this](http://www.allstarz.org/~kristinkreuk/TSHGallery.html), then what’s the point of NOT telling her? ---
**Author:** ![ResIpsaLoquitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b3f665/32.png) [@ResIpsaLoquitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ResIpsaLoquitor)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smallville-clark-should-tell-lana-lang-his-secret-then-do-her/129885/2 "2002-09-27T15:59:19Z")
No. No. No. No. Superman is destined to be with Lois Lane. Always has been, always will be. Lana is set up on the show as “the girl Clark will never have.” There’s a bigger destiny awaiting him in the future, and in a certain sense, Lana (or rather, Clark’s infatuation with her) is holding him back from that. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smallville-clark-should-tell-lana-lang-his-secret-then-do-her/129885/3 "2002-09-27T16:04:37Z")
Besides that, teenage pregnancy would not be a good storyline, and I doubt that there would be any condom strong enough to keep the Sperm of Steel under wraps. (Geez, in the throes of passion he could kill the girl.) ---
**Author:** ![Skippman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Skippman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skippman)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smallville-clark-should-tell-lana-lang-his-secret-then-do-her/129885/4 "2002-09-27T16:06:53Z")
Man, he needs to stay with Chloe. Forget about Lana. ---
**Author:** ![gallows\_fodder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8c91f0/32.png) [@gallows\_fodder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gallows_fodder)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smallville-clark-should-tell-lana-lang-his-secret-then-do-her/129885/5 "2002-09-27T16:31:30Z")
Right, Chloe it is. Poor girl – Clark really screwed up when he ditched her at the dance to save Miss Perfect. ---
**Author:** ![Finagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@Finagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finagle)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smallville-clark-should-tell-lana-lang-his-secret-then-do-her/129885/6 "2002-09-27T16:41:15Z")
Read Larry Niven’s essay “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” for lots of reasons why this would be a bad idea. (The phrase “gut her like a trout” has stayed with me for years…) You can do a Google search for the essay, for some reason there seem to be a lot of versions of it on-line. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smallville-clark-should-tell-lana-lang-his-secret-then-do-her/129885/7 "2002-09-27T16:44:37Z")
Yeah, the same thing happened to **Wonder Wart-Hog**. Lois Lamebrain got blown apart at the seams. And that was only because of a SNEEZE (he was using his snout). ---
**Author:** ![Badtz\_Maru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e36b37/32.png) [@Badtz\_Maru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Badtz_Maru)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smallville-clark-should-tell-lana-lang-his-secret-then-do-her/129885/8 "2002-09-27T17:12:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Finagle \* > \*\*Read Larry Niven’s essay “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” for lots of reasons why this would be a bad idea. (The phrase “gut her like a trout” has stayed with me for years…) > > You can do a Google search for the essay, for some reason there seem to be a lot of versions of it on-line. \*\* The part that stuck with me was the image of FTL Kryptonian spermatazoa independently seeking eggs to fertilize, leaving trails of blue light from Cerenkov radiation… (sp?) ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smallville-clark-should-tell-lana-lang-his-secret-then-do-her/129885/9 "2002-09-27T17:18:52Z")
Why doesn’t he just do her in a room with red sun light? ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smallville-clark-should-tell-lana-lang-his-secret-then-do-her/129885/10 "2002-09-27T21:06:23Z")
I read that essay by Niven. An excerpt: “First we must collect the semen. The globules will emerge at transsonic speeds. Superman must first ejaculate, then fly frantically after the stuff to catch it in a test tube. We assume that he is on the Moon, both for privacy and to prevent the semen from exploding into vapor on hitting the air at such speeds.” I am completely speechless. ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2002, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smallville-clark-should-tell-lana-lang-his-secret-then-do-her/129885/11 "2002-09-28T02:46:15Z")
Clark needs to ditch Lana. Sure she’s his Secret Love ™ and all, but I really think he’d do better with Chloe. Let Lex have Lana (now that would be interesting!). The reason I say Clark needs to get with Chloe is because I am firmly convinced she will become Lois Lane. Nom de plume anyone? ---
**Author:** ![SolGrundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@SolGrundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SolGrundy)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2002, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smallville-clark-should-tell-lana-lang-his-secret-then-do-her/129885/12 "2002-09-28T03:19:37Z")
It’s been said on the boards (I didn’t see the episode myself) that one of the episodes mentioned Chloe’s being Lois Lane’s cousin or some-such. Pretty lame, if you ask me. It kind of makes the whole series self-defeating when you _know_ how the story turns out. Which is why I’m kind of hoping they toss in some bombshell that totally breaks with the continuity. Except for having Lex and Clark get together – that’s what a friend of mine keeps suggesting and I want no part of that. (And before I get any threatening messages – it’s not because I’m a homophobe or anything; that’s all well and good, but we’re talking about _Lex Luthor_ and _Clark Kent_, which is just _wrong_). I like how they’ve made Lana just about perfect but not so perfect as to be annoying. And I really like how the series has developed their friendship, with scenes like the drive-in Bugs Bunny cartoons or sitting together on top of the water tower. It shows how everyone’s swoony, unrequited high-school romances _should_ have been. ---
**Author:** ![I\_am\_Sparticus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@I\_am\_Sparticus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_am_Sparticus)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2002, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smallville-clark-should-tell-lana-lang-his-secret-then-do-her/129885/13 "2002-09-28T05:19:05Z")
Somebody suggested the Lex/Clark homoerotic undercurrent here a few weeks back, and watching the reruns I find this motif to be truly bizarre and weird. The whole Jonathan Clark “stay away from my son” stuff makes a lot more sense as homophobia. ---
**Author:** ![mmjewett](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba8739/32.png) [@mmjewett](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mmjewett)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2002, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smallville-clark-should-tell-lana-lang-his-secret-then-do-her/129885/14 "2002-09-28T05:57:25Z")
In my opinion – Clark is a complete ass for not going after Chloe – and still chasing Lana! Lana will never come around. The only reason she started to come around in the first place is when he started to pay more attention to Chloe than her. If he re-adjusted his attention back to her (Lana), she’ll just play with him again (We are talking high school kids here). Whichever he ends up bangin’ there in for one helluva ride! 😉