Police Stand-off: Breaking News
A police siege ended in tragedy today when a three year old wheelchair-bound, developmentally delayed infant had her head strafed off her shoulders by eight hundred and thirty police officers.
The police were called to a local play park to investigate reports of an unidentified African-American male “acting all shifty, with intent to maybe get up to something”. When they arrived on the scene they witnessed 3 year old Rhonda Parker brandishing what appeared to be an IMI Desert Eagle. The object turned out to be a teddy bear.
Police spokesman S. Mapti said “The incident was regrettable, but early indications are that the many, many officers on the scene all acted properly and in accordance with procedure. Having identified the suspect as humanoid, and having received the all-clear from air support, they emerged from their battle tanks in a defensive formation, assessed the threat level as cataclysmic, and acted accordingly.”
Parker, who suffered from cerebral palsy and learning difficulties, was struck several thousand times during the encounter, which lasted for about 45 minutes.
Officer Mapti said “While some observers unfamiliar with police procedure have implied that the duration of fire was excessive, it’s important to remember that if you disregard the 0.08 seconds we gave the suspect to surrender, as well as reloading time and that coffee break we had around the 20 minute mark, all of which are just realities of modern policing, we were only firing for about half an hour.”
The department has also come under scrutiny for its actions immediately subsequent to the incident, in which a department stealth bomber subjected Parker’s headless body to a barrage of missiles packed with depleted uranium.
“Nuke the site from orbit.” said Mapti, “It’s the only way to be sure.”
An enquiry has been launched into the incident in order to definitively establish a timeline. Officer Mapti said “We ask the general public’s patience while we examine the facts of the case. If any of the officers acted improperly they will be dealt with accordingly.” Officers in the vicinity then proceded to laugh for several minutes.
Mapti concluded his remarks by stating “This is a very difficult time for the local community, particularly for Officers Joker, Raptorman, and Animal Mother, who were not only placed in fear for their lives but whose uniforms caught most of the splatter. We urge the community to remain calm and to bear in mind that, if you think about it, this was a pretty stupid place to have a three year old’s birthday party anyway.”