# Smarmy songs that make you want to kick the singers (even though you wouldn't) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 1, 2001, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857 "2001-07-01T17:07:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/1 "2001-07-01T17:07:28Z")
Per Dave Barry, the single smuggest, smarmy-est song ever is Five Man Electrical Band’s “Signs” (Signs, signs/everywhere a sign/takin’ up scenery/breaking my mind) Mr. Barry the Gawd of Bad Songs and is correct. But only marginally less smug is Peter, Paul and Mary’s “I Dig, Rock and Roll Music”. PP&M were well on their way to becoming fossils in the mid-to-late 60s, and as evidenced by the song, simply had no idea why complex harmonies, interesting rhythms and evocative lyrics were more popular then their own brand of smug,“more enlightened than YOU”-ism. In the song, they make comments about how “wonderful” Rock-n-Roll groups like the Mamas and the Papas are because their lyrics are banal. _I dig the Mamas and the Papas at “The Trip,” Sunset Strip in L.A. And they got a good thing goin’ when the words don’t get in the way._ The song goes on to smarm the Beatles \* And when the Beatles tell you They’ve got a word “love” to sell you They mean exactly what they say\* and conclude that if PPM lowered themselves to write Rock and Roll music, it would be too, TOO far above us. \* I think I could say somethin’ if you know what I mean But if I really say it, the radio won’t play it Unless I lay it between the lines!\* Talk about bitter! So “I Dig Rock And Roll Music” wins my vote for the second smarmy-est song ever. Anyone else have a song that just makes you wanna kick the singer just to wipe the smirk off their face? (Not that we would, of course!) Fenris ---
**Author:** ![wring](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/838e76/32.png) [@wring](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wring)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/2 "2001-07-01T17:10:58Z")
Does _Havin’ my Baaaaaby_ count? ---
**Author:** ![Sultan\_Kinkari](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7bcc69/32.png) [@Sultan\_Kinkari](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sultan_Kinkari)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/3 "2001-07-01T17:17:42Z")
I always thought the song that goes “…and make me feel real loose, a like a long neck goose. Oh baby that’s what I like.” was a little slimy, even though it was from the 50’s. ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/4 "2001-07-01T17:20:56Z")
I’m not sure our definition of smarmy is the same. I think Dionne Warwick’s _I know I’ll Never Love This Way Again_ is pretty damn smarmy. ACK! In Preview I see that **wishbone** maligns The Big Bopper! ---
**Author:** ![snifter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c57346/32.png) [@snifter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snifter)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/5 "2001-07-01T18:17:06Z")
I don’t know who sings this one, but the whine-ey sounding lyrics, sung by a male, go something like: _I know you really don’t wanna tell me goodbye I know you really wanna be your own girl_ My girlfriend asked me how we would feel if it were a woman singing “I know you really wanna be your own _boy_”! Petty, but actually a good point. ---
**Author:** ![ruadh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d2c977/32.png) [@ruadh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ruadh)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/6 "2001-07-01T18:19:41Z")
snifter, that would be “Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around” by Tom Petty and Stevie Nicks. As for the OP, can there possibly be anything smarmier than “I’ve Never Been To Me”? ---
**Author:** ![ThisYearsGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@ThisYearsGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThisYearsGirl)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/7 "2001-07-01T18:21:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by wishbone \* > \*\*I always thought the song that goes “…and make me feel real loose, a like a long neck goose. Oh baby that’s what I like.” was a little slimy, even though it was from the 50’s. > > \*\* I dunno the title , but it’s by the Big Bopper. ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/8 "2001-07-01T18:32:21Z")
It’s Chantilly Lace. _Hel-loooo, ba-by!_ ---
**Author:** ![snifter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c57346/32.png) [@snifter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snifter)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/9 "2001-07-01T18:38:48Z")
Oh then there’s that incredibly pathetic song, again I don’t know who does it, but it’s a woman singing about how “special” she is and demanding attention. Damn, now the stupid song’s stuck in my head, grr. _Cuz I, I’m gonna make you see There no one else, nobody but me I’m special, sooo special i gotta have some of your attention GIVE IT TO ME!_ Sounds like a demanding bitch with a SERIOUS self-esteem problem! ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/10 "2001-07-01T19:00:13Z")
**snifter** , it’s “Brass in Pocket” by the Pretenders. ---
**Author:** ![Shera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Shera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shera)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/11 "2001-07-01T19:16:44Z")
That song that that Gweneth Paltrow sings with some guy, (I am not sure who because I never leave it on the station long enough to figure it out) makes me want to pull out a shot gun and shoot someone, and I am not a violent person:D. It is quite possibly the cheeziest song I have EVER heard. ---
**Author:** ![snifter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c57346/32.png) [@snifter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snifter)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/12 "2001-07-01T19:19:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pepperlandgirl \* > \*\ ***snifter** , it’s “Brass in Pocket” by the Pretenders. > \*\* I mean, is it just me or is this song just pathetic? And why “Brass in Pocket”? ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/13 "2001-07-01T19:36:56Z")
_Teenager in Love_, **Dion and the Bellmonts** _Sometimes I ask the stars up above Why must I be-eee a teenager in love_ Haj ---
**Author:** ![wring](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/838e76/32.png) [@wring](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wring)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/14 "2001-07-01T19:47:24Z")
**A-hem** I believe the correct answer has already been given. \*(you’re) Haning my baby \* by Paul Anka, 1974, including such lines as: > [@](#): > > Having my baby > What a lovely way of saying what you’re thinkin’ of me What, Hallmark didn’t exist in 1974? and > [@](#): > > You’re the woman I love > And I love what it’s doin’ to you (snip) > The need inside you > I see it showin’ > Oh, the seed inside you baby > Do you feel it growin’ umrumph. damn. there went lunch. ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/15 "2001-07-01T19:52:55Z")
Sheesh, heretical as it may seem, PPM’s “I Dig Rock And Roll Music” doesn’t bother me. I took it as their leaden attempt at whimsical parody of pop rock. It’s clod-footed, but let’s face it, their paltry store of humor croaked over “Puff The Magic Dragon”. It’s lefty/liberal godawfulness but still more listenable–in a wincing, train-wreck way–than Madonna’s horrific cover of “American Pie”. There’s earnest stupidity and then there’s “gouge your eardrum with a Bic pen” sheer dreadfulness. I avoid commerical stations but sometimes land on 'em through pure, desperate flight from endless commercials. (As Mr. Barry has hilariously noted–“60 minutes of uninterrupted MUSIC–but for now, chump, it’s solid commericals! Hum the jingles…”) But for pure smarmy awfulness…(forgive inaccuracies; I’ve _cultivated_ amnesia): **Band of Gold** : a wailing, screeching “story song” about impotence (“_luuuve me like you TRIED before_”). **If I were a carpenter** : Oh, ish. Forget the socio/political implications, this is embarrassing dreck. Anything by Bobby Goldsborough. But especially “Honey”, about the youthful, dead wife. But maybe I’m misreading the potential for pop music to become campy classics. Veb ---
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/16 "2001-07-01T19:59:09Z")
In a wonderful coincidence, as I opened this thread a commercial came on for Time-Life’s “Forever Love” collection, a compilation of 24 wedding-ish songs. Like “Lady” by Kenny Rogers, “Tonight” by, I dunno who, maybe Evelyn Champagne King in duet with someone else, I’m just guessing. I’d say from the brief samples they played, just about every single track on the album would qualify. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/17 "2001-07-01T20:52:56Z")
What about, Lucky, by Broccali Spears? She’s so lucky, but why do those tears fall at night, or something like that…blah blah blah…get a life. Michael Jackson’s HIStory…especially the video where everyone is having a huge mass orgasm over a statue of him. ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/18 "2001-07-01T20:58:41Z")
Oh! Wait! The all time smarmiest song has got to be _Seasons in the Sun_ by Terry Jacks. Just die already, damn it! ---
**Author:** ![R3nergy8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e99b99/32.png) [@R3nergy8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/R3nergy8)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/19 "2001-07-01T21:52:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fenris \* > \*\*Per Dave Barry, the single smuggest, smarmy-est song ever is Five Man Electrical Band’s “Signs” (Signs, signs/everywhere a sign/takin’ up scenery/breaking my mind) > > Fenris \*\* First off let me just say that **I agree with you about this song, Fenris** Gawd!!! I have ALWAYS hated that song “Signs” Another one I’ve **never** liked: “Spirit In The Sky” by Norman Greenbaum 😛 One more… I have \*\*never,ever,ever \*\*liked **any** version of the song “I Heard it Thru the Grapevine” many people have recorded that song but the version I hate the most is done by Creedence Clearwater Revival. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/20 "2001-07-01T22:33:39Z")
I don’t know what it’s called, but that song where the main guy is singing to his secretary about how he wants her to write a letter to his lawyer to divorce his wife. Then he ASKS HER OUT!!! WHY DOES THIS GET PLAYED IN THE 21ST CENTURY??? WHY??? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857.md?page=2)