# Smarmy songs that make you want to kick the singers (even though you wouldn't) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 1, 2001, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857 "2001-07-01T17:07:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/21 "2001-07-01T22:44:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by whiterabbit \* > \*\*I don’t know what it’s called, but that song where the main guy is singing to his secretary about how he wants her to write a letter to his lawyer to divorce his wife. Then he ASKS HER OUT!!! > > WHY DOES THIS GET PLAYED IN THE 21ST CENTURY??? WHY??? \*\* _“Take a letter, Maria/ Address it to my wife/ Say I won’t be comin’ home…”_ Damn you, **whiterabbit** , damn you to inanity forever! I’d almost forgotten that one. This stuff is brain velcro. Not that I’m bitter or anything. You putzes. Stomping off–humming, Veb ---
**Author:** ![Sylkyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/da6949/32.png) [@Sylkyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylkyn)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/22 "2001-07-01T22:47:19Z")
**whiterabbit** that would be “Take A Letter, Maria”. I forget who wrote that horror, thankfully. (And I see in preview I was beaten to the punch on naming that tune!) I hated that song the first time I heard it. It’s dreadful. Right up there with “Havin’ My Baby”. What I never could understand was why HMB was number ONE for about six or possibly more weeks! It was HUGE! Another smarmy nightmare would have to be, “Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree”, by Tony Orlando and Dawn. Now that song just drove me insane, and it, too, stayed number one for about half a year. Christ. The radio stations played it until I got to the point to where I had to listen to FM, for cryin’ out loud! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![upperdeckfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/65b543/32.png) [@upperdeckfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/upperdeckfan)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/23 "2001-07-01T22:47:57Z")
Fenris \*\* [/QUOTE] One more… I have \*\*never,ever,ever \*\*liked **any** version of the song “I Heard it Thru the Grapevine” many people have recorded that song but the version I hate the most is done by Creedence Clearwater Revival. ☹ \*\* [/QUOTE] thats…“Oooooooowhy Hoyyd it Twue Duh Grapeviiihe”, by CCR ---
**Author:** ![lestrange](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/aca169/32.png) [@lestrange](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lestrange)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/24 "2001-07-01T22:52:45Z")
I see none of you has been subjected to “A Song for my Son.” [http://www.new-wedding-traditions.com/song4son.htm](http://www.new-wedding-traditions.com/song4son.htm) Not quite as bad as “Having My Baby,” but bad enough. ---
**Author:** ![delphica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9a140/32.png) [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2001, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/25 "2001-07-01T22:55:32Z")
I actually like the version of “Take a Letter, Maria” done by the Pleasure Barons. It plays up all the weird ideas in song. For smarmy, how about “Bobby’s Girl”? _And if I was Bobby’s girl, If I was Bobby’s girl, What a faithful, thankful girl I’d be._ Ack. ---
**Author:** ![Nocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9fc348/32.png) [@Nocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nocturne)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/26 "2001-07-02T00:13:12Z")
Anything by Faith Hill. Ick. Gack. Gag me with a shovel. “Johnny Angel” by whoever did it is awful, too. ---
**Author:** ![Sultan\_Kinkari](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7bcc69/32.png) [@Sultan\_Kinkari](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sultan_Kinkari)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/27 "2001-07-02T00:35:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Shera \* > \*\*That song that that Gweneth Paltrow sings with some guy, (I am not sure who because I never leave it on the station long enough to figure it out) makes me want to pull out a shot gun and shoot someone, and I am not a violent person:D. It is quite possibly the cheeziest song I have EVER heard. \*\* It’s called _Cruisin’_ performed by Gweneth Paltrow and Huey Louis. Arden Ranger my sweet, _Chantilly Lace_ is a creepy song, and falls under the definition of “low sleazy taste or quality.” Other smarmy songs include: **"Don’t stop believing"** - Foreigner or Journey **"We Built This City on Rock and Roll"** - Starship ---
**Author:** ![Rosebud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rosebud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rosebud)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/28 "2001-07-02T00:36:34Z")
As far as stuff currently getting airplay goes, I’d have to say Nelly Furtado’s “Like a Bird.” _I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away I don’t know where my soul is, I don’t know where my home is (and baby all I need for you to know is) I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away_ Actually, _any_ song with that sentiment: “Sure, you love me, and I guess I love you too, but I’m just ever so free-spirited I will most likely up and leave you someday.” And, for a classic selection, I give you “Freebird:” _If I stay here with you girl Things just couldn’t be the same 'Cause I’m as free as a bird now And this bird you cannot change_ The funny thing is, I’ve hated this particular theme practically forever, so I don’t think my hatred grew out of any personal experience. I interpret it as covering up commitment-phobia with a smarmy “I’m like the wind, baby” kind of thing. Yeah, whatever! ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/29 "2001-07-02T01:13:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by wishbone \* > \*\* > “We Built This City on Rock and Roll” - Starship > > \*\* Described at the time by one of my buddies as: “This sounds like their _Lawyer_ wrote it! Or their Tax Accountant!” _Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now_ from the same band, same time period (c. 1986) Lee Greenwood’s _Horrible Piece of By-the-numbers Commercial Pseudo-patriotic Schmalz_. No, I won’t dignify it by using its alleged title, as it states a sentiment I _do_ hold, but the song (and the rendering) just hit me wrong from the first instant I heard it… **Arden Ranger** I’m with you on _Seasons in the Sun_. If it’s “hard to die” I’ll step in and expedite the process gladly… jrd ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/30 "2001-07-02T02:04:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rosebud \* > \*\*And, for a classic selection, I give you “Freebird:” > > _If I stay here with you girl > Things just couldn’t be the same > 'Cause I’m as free as a bird now > And this bird you cannot change_ > > The funny thing is, I’ve hated this particular theme practically forever, so I don’t think my hatred grew out of any personal experience. I interpret it as covering up commitment-phobia with a smarmy “I’m like the wind, baby” kind of thing. Yeah, whatever! > > \*\* I kinda like that song though it isn’t even 1/100th as good as it is reputed to be. The song is about the death of Duane Allman in a motocycle accident in 1971. It happened right when the band became famous. He’s leaving her because he’s dead. Haj ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/31 "2001-07-02T02:12:47Z")
[QUOTE\*"Take a letter, Maria/ … Damn you, **whiterabbit** , damn you to inanity forever! I’d almost forgotten that one. … You putzes. Stomping off–humming, Veb \*\*[/QUOTE] Did I just get called a PUTZ? On the SDMB? WHOA! I knew the song was bad but I didn’t know I’d get that reaction. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/32 "2001-07-02T02:19:29Z")
How 'bout _I write the songs that make the whole world sing I write the songs of love and special things. . ._ Not to humble there, are you Barry? ---
**Author:** ![Bgo1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b487fb/32.png) [@Bgo1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bgo1)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/33 "2001-07-02T02:24:50Z")
How’s about “Angel of the Morning” by (I think) Maryanne Faithful? Makes me want to bitchslap the singer AND the writer! ---
**Author:** ![Sylkyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/da6949/32.png) [@Sylkyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylkyn)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/34 "2001-07-02T02:32:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Nocturne \* > \*\*Anything by Faith Hill. Ick. Gack. Gag me with a shovel. > > “Johnny Angel” by whoever did it is awful, too. \*\* Ditto on the Faith Hill crap. She’s tiresome. “Johnny Angel” was sung by Shelley Fabares. You might remember her from the sit-com “Coach”, as Coach’s love interest. Of course, she was a teen angel when that song was a hit. It is smarmy as all get-out, I agree. ---
**Author:** ![GraceTX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c4cdca/32.png) [@GraceTX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GraceTX)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/35 "2001-07-02T02:33:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Biggirl \* > \*\*How 'bout > _I write the songs that make the whole world sing > I write the songs of love and special things. . ._ > > Not to humble there, are you Barry? \*\* Believe it or not, that’s one song he didn’t write. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/36 "2001-07-02T02:43:30Z")
I actually, um, like Angel of the Morning. And my friends and I once made up a really silly, funny dance to Chantilly Lace-it’s a FUN song. BTW, what about Butterfly Kisses? That’s pretty tacky. Shelley Fabares also played the daughter on The Donna Reed Show. ---
**Author:** ![Ankh\_Too](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3ab097/32.png) [@Ankh\_Too](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ankh_Too)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/37 "2001-07-02T02:59:16Z")
**John Michael Montgomery** - _The Little Girl_ This is, without a doubt, the smarmiest, most self-righteous pile of steaming crap I’ve heard in a long time. Although, I’m not sure if the fact that I’ve heard so many people with bright eyes and a breathless voice tell me that it’s definitely, for sure, has to be, without a doubt based on a true story… of course I don’t have any proof, but it just has to be, it’s so ispirational, don’t you think? gag. ---
**Author:** ![pesch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pesch/32/4925_2.png) [@pesch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pesch)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/38 "2001-07-02T03:03:06Z")
“Sweet Home Alabama” – Yeah, I can understand being lectured by Neil Young is enough to make anyone grumpy, but this song’s like red meat to a Rottweiler in certain parts of the South. Reaffirms all your worst impressions about the region. “In the Ghetto” – What was Elvis thinking? This is shooting fish in the frozen-food section, but Neil Diamonds “I Am … I Said” with the immortal lines: “I am,” I said To no one there And no one heard at all Not even the chair (Or, to paraphrase Dave Barry, 'You could hear the chair saying, ‘Whoa, I _hear_ that.’") ---
**Author:** ![Albert\_Rose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9de053/32.png) [@Albert\_Rose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Albert_Rose)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/39 "2001-07-02T03:08:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TVeblen \* > \*\*…Madonna’s horrific cover of “American Pie”. There’s earnest stupidity and then there’s “gouge your eardrum with a Bic pen” sheer dreadfulness. > \*\* I can’t even stand the original version – I may hate it more than Don McLean himself. “Drove my Chevy to the Levy…” Ick. And don’t forget: _MacArthur’s Park is melting in the dark All the sweet cream icing flowing down I don’t thing that I can take it 'Cause it took so long to bake it And I’ll never have that recipe agaaaaiin!!_ ---
**Author:** ![ThisYearsGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@ThisYearsGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThisYearsGirl)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/40 "2001-07-02T03:13:04Z")
Anything by Styx is damn smarmy–“You’re my lady. . . of the mornin’!” God, that sucks. And what’s the other really bad one? Come Sail Away? And the version of Angel of the morning that’s on the radio was recorded bu Juice Newton, but someone else recorded it originally. And, if I recall correctly, Olivia Newton John and Bonnie Tyler both have a version. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857.md?page=3)