# Smarmy songs that make you want to kick the singers (even though you wouldn't) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 1, 2001, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857 "2001-07-01T17:07:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Hometownboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/5e9695/32.png) [@Hometownboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hometownboy)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/61 "2001-07-03T00:44:28Z")
You want **SMARM?** I gotch yer’ smarm right here, pally! How about knee-jerk teen death songs including \*\*Last Kiss \*\* originally by J. Frank Wilson and later redone by (what _were_ they thinking???) Pearl Jam. and including **Teen Angel** by Mark Dinning. But the all-time paint-by-numbers-cynical-tug-on-your-heartstrings-complete-with-the-agony-of-star-crossed-lovers-from-different-social-classes, I give you the excreble **PATCHES** by Dickey Lee, in which our protagonist, no doubt a WASP of middle-class origin loves a girl from the Wrong Side of Town. He says they can’t meet anymore and - naturally - she kills herself. “They said a girl name of Patches was found Floating face down in that dirty old river That flows through the coalyard in old Shantytown.” Sooooooo, our hero in true teenage fashion, decides to off himself as well (that’ll show 'em!) “It may not be right But I’ll join you tonight. Patches, I’m coming to you.” Of course if you just can’t get enough of this kind of stuff, you can head for [The official Dickey Lee Site](http://home.att.net/~roydea/dickeylee.htm). Don’t say you weren’t warned. Oh, and trivia fans will remember that he tried to follow up with a thing called “Laurie” about a girl who turned out to be a … ghost! ---
**Author:** ![simply\_cats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@simply\_cats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/simply_cats)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/62 "2001-07-03T02:41:38Z")
Ok, Dear Mr. Jesus is definitely smarmy. However, the song that I cannot bear to hear is “You Can Dream of Me” in which the singer is talking to a girl… “If you want someone to fill your waking hours, with a love that is real, baby I’m still not free. But if you think you could fall for a telephone call and some flowers… If you’re dreaming of someone, you can dream of me.” So basicly, this schmoe is telling a chick he’ll throw her a bone every now and then, but no steak dinner. yuck. ---
**Author:** ![ThisYearsGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@ThisYearsGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThisYearsGirl)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/63 "2001-07-03T03:31:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hometownboy \* > \*\* > How about knee-jerk teen death songs including \*\*Last Kiss \*\* originally by J. Frank Wilson and later redone by (what _were_ they thinking???) Pearl Jam. > \*\* This song really disturbs me. Especially that “I got to be good so I can see my baby when I leave this world” line. Like dying isn’t bad, if you can see your baby? That just seems creepily close to killing your child so he can with with Jesus. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/64 "2001-07-03T15:46:53Z")
_Brandy_ (Brandy, you’re a fine girl/What a good wife you would be/But my wife, my lover, my lady/Is the sea) was unutterable crap the first time it was played and it is STILL unutterable crap THIRTY YEARS LATER!!! ---
**Author:** ![kaiju](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a587f6/32.png) [@kaiju](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaiju)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/65 "2001-07-03T16:26:09Z")
All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You… get pregnant, go back to my husband and raise your child without telling you… by Heart. Ever heard of adoption, or artificial insemination? Of course not. A crappy song full of creepy people. Ughhhhh! ---
**Author:** ![R3nergy8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e99b99/32.png) [@R3nergy8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/R3nergy8)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/66 "2001-07-03T17:24:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kaiju \* > \*\*All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You… > > get pregnant, go back to my husband and raise your child without telling you… > > by Heart. Ever heard of adoption, or artificial insemination? Of course not. A crappy song full of creepy people. Ughhhhh! \*\* ``` <*sigh*> Well, *thank yew* very much for bringing that song up. Just when I had gotten all traces of that **AWFUL** song out of my head. I hated that song from the moment I first heard it. Come to think of it, the video to that song was just as bad if not worse; or maybe it was just having to watch them act out the meaning of the song, apparently done for the two people on earth too stupid to figure it out themselves!:rolleyes: ``` ---
**Author:** ![Fish42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/4da419/32.png) [@Fish42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish42)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/67 "2001-07-03T18:39:52Z")
50+ posts into this topic and no one’s mentioned Dan Hill’s godawful pair of hits, “Sometimes When We Touch” and “Can’t We Try.” The last one gets bonus points for featuring Ally McBeal’s Vonda Sheppard, who ranks just below Celine Dion in the useless singers department. ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/68 "2001-07-03T20:45:57Z")
“It was the third of June, another dark and dusty…” “To all the girls I’ve loved before…” “Who let the dogs out…” “The sun’ll come out, tomorrow…” “Grandma got run over by a reindeer…” “…and Honey, I loved you, and I always will…” Prior listening to the full version of any of the above could be used as a defense in a manslaughter trial. ---
**Author:** ![seawitch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a587f6/32.png) [@seawitch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seawitch)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/69 "2001-07-03T22:54:35Z")
Because we all need help getting rid of the smarminess now swamping our brains… Find the **Circle Jerks** classic recording, _“Jerks on 45”_. It’s a punk rock medley of _Afternoon Delight, Having My Baby, Love Will Keep Us Together_, and other long (and mercifully) forgotten sacchirine nuggets. Finally, _Muskrat Love_ as it was **meant** to be heard. ---
**Author:** ![lolagranola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ea5d25/32.png) [@lolagranola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lolagranola)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2001, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/70 "2001-07-04T15:11:00Z")
> [@](#): > > _cough_ Celine Dion _cough_ **All By Myself**. Ok, I’m not a big fan of the song to begin with. But at least with Eric Carmen, I really felt like he was sitting by himself, recording the song in an empty basement. Celine? I picture her getting her make up touched up, surrounded by publicists while she recorded the song. She didn’t sound lonely. Actually, anything by Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, or any vocalist that sounds like she’s just trying to do vocal gymnastics is smarmy. Especially when they try to sing about loneliness. Ugh! **Sometimes When We Touch** by Dan “The honesty’s too much” Hill! AUGH!! I hate that song. Blech! Thanks for the reminder. ---
**Author:** ![Manduck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manduck/32/256_2.png) [@Manduck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manduck)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2001, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/71 "2001-07-04T17:07:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by upperdeckfan \* > \*\*Fenris \*\* One more… I have \*\*never,ever,ever \*\*liked **any** version of the song “I Heard it Thru the Grapevine” many people have recorded that song but the version I hate the most is done by Creedence Clearwater Revival. ☹ \*\* [/QUOTE] thats…“Oooooooowhy Hoyyd it Twue Duh Grapeviiihe”, by CCR \*\* [/QUOTE] “Naw mush longa wooja be man” (but I like that song) ---
**Author:** ![Medievalist2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e19adc/32.png) [@Medievalist2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Medievalist2)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2001, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/72 "2001-07-05T00:14:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Marvel \* > \*\*Folks might not remember this “novelty” hit from the late 80s or early 90s, but without a doubt the ONE song most likely to make me gouge my eyes out with a dull butter knife is… > > “Dear Mr. Jesus” > > Ring any bells? The jist of the song was a little girl writes a letter to Jesus about child abuse, including her own…and, God help me, there was a video for it. It was sung by a little girl and for added creepiness, she attempts (and fails) at being dramatic when she sings, “I pray.” “Dear Mr. Jesus” got played ad nausium when it first came out and folks called DJs to talk about their own abuse. Now, “What’s the Matter Here?” by 10,000 Maniacs covers the same topic, but they do it without laying on the schmaltz on a serious subject. But THIS one… > > Ewww…I feel so WRONG just thinking of that song. I must go clense myself! Where’s my Dead Kennedys tape…? > > Stealing People’s Mail, > Patty \*\* “Dear Mr. Jesus” was a memorial to Lisa Steinberg, the illegally adopted six-year-old girl who was beaten to death by Joel Steinberg while his common-law wife, Hedda Nussbaum, did nothing to protect her. ---
**Author:** ![Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helen_s_Eidolon)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2001, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/73 "2001-07-05T02:07:47Z")
I love “Angel of the Morning” (by Merillee Rush, anyhow) and I’m not ashamed. Has anyone else noticed that it applies really well to Angel and Buffy? I also love CCR’s Grapevine, so there! I hate most modern music. I’m a bitter ex-hippie who doesn’t understand the music you yung’uns listen to now. Wait, I’m 18… Goodness help me, I even like some of the songs that were listen that I agree were terrible. But “Bobby’s Girl” caused me to stare at the radio in abject horror. Anything by Backstreet Boys. All their songs are about how much their fans love them. Shove it. And Dave Barry should be worshipped everywhere. ---
**Author:** ![Arwen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7c8e57/32.png) [@Arwen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arwen)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/74 "2001-08-17T16:08:52Z")
Okay…How about “Affirmation” by Savage Garden? Just a bunch of contradictory yodeling about popular values… I believe the sun should never set upon an argument I believe we place our happiness in other people’s hands I believe that junk food tastes so good because it’s bad for you I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem I believe I’m loved when I’m completely by myself alone “Live like an Animal” is by the same band…Yet more reasons NEVER EVER EVER to listen to top-40 pop! _kill kill kill_ :mad: (and just because nobody ever uses this smiley, and it’s cute… ;j ) ---
**Author:** ![Stella\_Fantasia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/74df32/32.png) [@Stella\_Fantasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stella_Fantasia)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/75 "2001-08-17T16:09:26Z")
I can’t believe we’re two pages into this & no one’s mentioned Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy” yet. Also, that godawful Natalie Merchant songs in which she proclaims herself to be one of the wonders of God’s own creation or something. Barfoonie!!! ---
**Author:** ![Stella\_Fantasia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/74df32/32.png) [@Stella\_Fantasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stella_Fantasia)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/76 "2001-08-17T16:10:56Z")
Dammit, I hit “Post Reply” before I could bring up that execrable Baz Luhrman “Everybody’s Free” fiasco. At least it spawned some truly hilarious parodies, though. “Always use hand cream…” ---
**Author:** ![Legomancer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/779978/32.png) [@Legomancer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Legomancer)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/77 "2001-08-17T16:18:09Z")
I have to throw in mad propz to Whitney Houston for “The Greatest Love of All.” First off, what is the greatest love of all? Why, it’s learning to love YOURSELF. That’s the greatest love of all. Second, She decided long ago never to walk in anyone’s shadow. And no matter what you take from her, you can’t take away her dignity. But my favorite part about this smarmfest is this. When listening to this tune, turn it up a little and pay attention to her voice. She simply cannot WAIT to get to the parts where she gets to yell (remember, for Whitney and her ilk, yelling = more emotional). It’s hilarious to hear her slightly speed through lines so she can hurry up and yell. You can especially hear it on the line “let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be.” But remember kids, above all, above love for your SO, your kids, your family, your deity, or anyone else, there is loving yourself. The greatest of them all. ---
**Author:** ![Saryl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e19b73/32.png) [@Saryl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saryl)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/78 "2001-08-17T16:27:41Z")
I’m hurt. Don Henley AND John Lennon both bashed in one thread. That really hurts. At least no one here has had the balls to flame Pink Floyd or Black Sabbath or Tool. Saryl ---
**Author:** ![nerv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/85e7bf/32.png) [@nerv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nerv)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/79 "2001-08-17T16:32:33Z")
I can only assume that this one hasn’t been mentioned because it is so horrible that most people have blocked it from their memory. If you are of a weak disposition and have a tendency to be driven to suicide if a bad song lodges in your mind READ NO FURTHER. The Pina Colada Song (I don’t remember who it’s by, but I hope he has serious piles which bleed a lot every time he sits down) By the way, I play bass in several bands, and actually regularly play four of the songs mentioned so far. See if you can get my whole repertoire! ---
**Author:** ![pldennison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9fc29f/32.png) [@pldennison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pldennison)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/80 "2001-08-17T16:37:26Z")
**Stella Fantasia** , I really don’t think Natalie Merchant is talking about herself in the song. Not that you have to like it, but you should at least understand it. **Legomancer** , do you just hate Whitney Houston’s version or the song itself? That song predates her career by a good decade. It originally appeared, recorded by George Benson, in the Muhammed Ali biopic, “The Greatest.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857.md?page=5)