# Smarmy songs that make you want to kick the singers (even though you wouldn't) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 1, 2001, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857 "2001-07-01T17:07:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Arwen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7c8e57/32.png) [@Arwen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arwen)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/81 "2001-08-17T16:38:03Z")
Posting again----and so soon! oops. But I forgot to mention the #1 song I hate to hear…“Amanda” \* Amanda/Light of my life/Fate should have made you a gentleman’s wife\* Drooly, sappy song, and I keep getting guys who think they’re cute singing it to me!! (that being my name, you see) _blow chunks here_ ---
**Author:** ![davesink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cc9497/32.png) [@davesink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/davesink)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/82 "2001-08-17T16:59:25Z")
David Gates and Bread: If “If a man could be two places at one time I’d be with you Tommorow and today Beside you all the way.” Excuse me, David, but I thought the ground rules explicitly stated TWO places at ONE time… don’t “tommorow” and “today” refer to time rather than place? Seems someone has gotten his spatial / temporal references crossed. Besides the godawful smarminess, this has always bugged me. ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/83 "2001-08-17T18:00:47Z")
Er, what’s right with ‘Close To You’? This song is currently being used, in the UK, in an ad for Heineken. ‘Sung’ by that well-known duo Mr. & Mrs Paul Daniels, Heineken threaten to keep running the ad UNTIL SALES IMPROVE! Is this legal? ---
**Author:** ![Fibonacci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/df788c/32.png) [@Fibonacci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fibonacci)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/84 "2001-08-17T18:09:06Z")
Gosh… No one mentioned Gilbert O’Sullivan’s “Alone Again, Naturally.” And Starland Vocal Band’s “Afternoon Delight” has to be on this list. ---
**Author:** ![Zach\_Lee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ed655f/32.png) [@Zach\_Lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zach_Lee)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/85 "2001-08-17T18:16:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ThisYearsGirl \* > \*\*Anything by Styx is damn smarmy–“You’re my lady. . . of the mornin’!” God, that sucks. And what’s the other really bad one? Come Sail Away? > \*\* Actually, I don’t mind Lady so much (Ya gotta have SOME theme for High School Proms, and Stairway to Heaven’s all used up), but the Styx song I can’t tolerate is “Babe”. That dentist’s office organ, plodding pace, and totally predictable lyrics that are too saccharine for Hallmark…Bllleagh. But hey, for totally cynical smarminess, how about “We didn’t start the Fire” By Billy Joel? Shamelessly imitating Dylan by way of R.E.M., he strings together totally meaningless lines, with some kind of refrain, posing as a ‘Protest’ song? in the 90’s? double Bleagh. ---
**Author:** ![Legomancer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/779978/32.png) [@Legomancer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Legomancer)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/86 "2001-08-17T18:19:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pldennison \* > **Legomancer** , do you just hate Whitney Houston’s version or the song itself? That song predates her career by a good decade. It originally appeared, recorded by George Benson, in the Muhammed Ali biopic, “The Greatest.” I’d have to say both. I think it’s a smarmy song sung in a smarmy way. ---
**Author:** ![Zach\_Lee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ed655f/32.png) [@Zach\_Lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zach_Lee)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/87 "2001-08-17T18:19:32Z")
Now the OP has me thinking about these things… It’s gonna take half a bottle of tequila tonight to get the damn things out of my head (again). But here’s a couple more, that make me want to throw things at the singers/songwriters, at least until I get close enough to kick them… “Drop-kick me Jesus, through the Goal Posts of Life” and “Daddy don’t ya walk so Fast” Take that. ---
**Author:** ![MagicEyes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@MagicEyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MagicEyes)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/88 "2001-08-17T18:19:59Z")
Butterfly Kisses \ :eek: This is one of the nastiest songs I’ve ever heard! I think it sounds incestuous! Butterfly kisses are supposed to be sexy, and this song is about a father and his daughter. How about that Cher song from a few years back? The one where she sounds like a man. I don’t remember the name of the song, I don’t remember the words, and I’m not gonna try too hard!! ME ---
**Author:** ![Cosmopolitan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/94ad74/32.png) [@Cosmopolitan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cosmopolitan)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/89 "2001-08-17T18:30:35Z")
Nowwwww LOOK. I’m from Long Island so maybe I don’t understand the hatred that some Southerners have for them, but I love “Freebird” and “Sweet Home Alabama”. Again, this is perhaps because I’ve never had occasion to live there. Also…Someone (I forget who) posted that they dislike “American Pie”, the REAL version. I love that song as well. I’ve heard that Don McLean commended Madonna’s version, but I think it was 'cause she had some goons threaten him. That version is hideous. Some other winners (or losers): “The Girl From Ipanema” - once it’s stuck in my head, that’s it for me. Good night nurse. Anything off of “Zooropa” by U2, and pretty much any singles they’ve released since then. Bleh. Someone needs to pop Bono’s giant ego like a zit. That goddamn song by Jay-Z (I think) that uses a sample of that song, “It’s a Hard-Knock Life” from “Annie”. HATEHATEHATE. I hated it the first time I heard it but then grew to hate it even more throughout Fall of 1999. Why? Some chick who lived at the opposite end of the hall from me decided to play it, seemingly on a loop, at top #@&^ing volume. I could hear it with both our doors closed. Thank God I don’t live on campus anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Zach\_Lee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ed655f/32.png) [@Zach\_Lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zach_Lee)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/90 "2001-08-17T18:36:21Z")
I don’t know if these count as smarmy, or simply hilariously bad decisions… But these were also referenced by Mr. Dave Barry (funny when talking about his dogs, not so funny when talking about being a Dad, uses ‘booger’ too much, but gave life to the Institute of Exploding Things) The Rhino comps “Golden Throats 1 & 2” document some of the most amazing things ever recorded… Andy Griffith singing “House of the Rising Sun” Andy? singing 'bout hookers? This ain’t Mayberry, Toto. Jack Webb, singin “Try a Little Tenderness” Jack, Try a little emotion! Leonard Nimoy, “Proud Mary” Sebastien Cabot, “It ain’t me babe”, and “Like a Rolling Stone” Poor dylan. Joel Grey, “white Room” Miller Miller and his Gang doing “Give Peace a Chance” and, of course, William Shatner doing “Mr. Tambourine Man” and “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” You will never, ever, again criticize his ACTING ability. You can NOT make this stuff up…The only albu guaranteed to make your neighbors call the cops, no matter who your neighbor are. Even if you get the joke, you can only listen to bits of these albums at a time. Tone deaf friends are BEGGING you to change the disc. Makes all your own misguided and ill though decisions seem benign, because they haven’t been recorded for posterity. I can’t recommend these albums highly enough, but be warned: you WILL need a strong stomach. Dave Barry simply sez “You need this album”. ---
**Author:** ![Lyllyan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b2d939/32.png) [@Lyllyan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lyllyan)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/91 "2001-08-17T18:51:57Z")
Thank you **whiterabbit** for mentionig one of the two crappy songs which which I identify my early childhood. The other would be… \*I want some reeeeeeeddd rroooooossses for a bluuuuuue lady \* ACK!! Those two songs were playing every single morning as I was getting ready for school. _Afternoon Delight_ was just plain bad. And there is that country song about some guy taking his daughter fishin’. I really don’t care who wrote or sang it, and the less I know about, the better. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Bitterdrunk\_Kid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/278dde/32.png) [@The\_Bitterdrunk\_Kid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Bitterdrunk_Kid)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/92 "2001-08-17T19:00:33Z")
Tim McGraw: Grown Men Don’t Cry- come on! get a life! Brad Paisley: All Because Two People Fell In Love- yeah right, everybody in the world is born because two people fell in love. except for the millions that aren’t. Tammy Cochran: Angels in Waiting- I’m sorry your little brother died of cystic fibrosis, but why do we have to suffer through a crappy song? Has anybody who listens to country music noticed that there are alot of these crappy songs out now? ---
**Author:** ![Palandine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/958977/32.png) [@Palandine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palandine)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/93 "2001-08-17T19:12:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by The Bitterdrunk Kid \* > \*\*Tim McGraw: Grown Men Don’t Cry- come on! get a life! > \*\* How could you leave out the most smarmy Tim McGraw song–“Don’t Take the Girl”? Deeeeeeep hurting. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/94 "2001-08-17T19:13:49Z")
Damn near anything by ABBA, with the winner being Chiquitia! They did it good, but they did it smarmy. Memory from CATS has to be the most recorded smarmy song, and the one with the most awful recordings! ---
**Author:** ![Ivorybill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ee59a6/32.png) [@Ivorybill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ivorybill)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/95 "2001-08-17T19:24:10Z")
**Wildfire.** Killer frost. You know the rest, the horse got out, it was cold, she ran calling “Wildfire… Wi-i-i-i-i-ldfire.” Tranquilizers, please. ---
**Author:** ![sdarr2002](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@sdarr2002](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sdarr2002)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/96 "2001-08-17T19:26:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by AbbySthrnAccent \* > \*\*Achey Breaky Heart > Elvira > Swingin \*\* i looove wierd al’s version “achey breaky song” i agree with crow t robot when the world was about to be destroyed “as long as it takes out leo sayer, i’m ok with it” ---
**Author:** ![Fionn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Fionn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fionn)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/97 "2001-08-17T19:46:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Zoggie \* > \*\* > > As for smarmy- > How’s “Freshmen”, don’t remember who it’s by. You know, it’s the one goes: _“For the life of me, I can not remember what made us think we were wise and we’d never compromise, for the life of me, I could not believe we’d ever die, for these sins, we were merely freshmen…”_ and I can swear “for these sins” sounds like forty cents! > \*\* I’m suddenly getting junior-year-of-high-school flashbacks. IIRC, the Verve Pipe recorded this piece of dreck, which everyone but me seemed to love. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Great\_Gazoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@The\_Great\_Gazoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Great_Gazoo)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/98 "2001-08-17T19:54:15Z")
I want to thank you all for mentioning so many bad songs that none of them stuck in my head. I also think that Barry Manilow would have his own wing in the Smarm Hall of Fame. ---
**Author:** ![Merf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9dc877/32.png) [@Merf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merf)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/99 "2001-08-17T19:55:50Z")
Shoot. Someone already posted the Pina Colada Song. It’s a good thing I’m not religious, because I’m sure if there were a judgment day, this would have precipitated it. However, here’s 2 more that are almost as bad: Run Joey Run with the refrain “Daddy please don’t, it wasn’t his fault, he means so much to me. Daddy please don’t, we’re gonna get married, just you wait and see.” - Or- Billy, Don’t Be a Hero with the refrain “Billy, don’t be a hero, don’t be a fool with your life. Billy, don’t be a hero, come back and make me your wife. And as he started to go-o-o-o-o-o, She said ‘Billy, keep your head lo-o-o-o-o-o-w.’ Billy, don’t be a hero, come back to me.” In both, a major protagonist dies before the song is finished. One could only wish it had happened to the songwriter instead. Cheers! ---
**Author:** ![diamud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@diamud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/diamud)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2001, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/100 "2001-08-17T19:56:56Z")
I don’t know the title or singer, but one song I always despised was the recent smarmy one that goes, “What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us…something something stranger on a bus.” I despise it on so many levels, 1) the notion that God is somehow out of touch with people and unable to relate/empathize with the problems we humans face in society and if the creator of the universe could just walk a mile on our shoes, things would be so much better; 2) Calling the human race a bunch of slobs; 3) the dirge-like pace of this masterpiece. Also smarmy, Billy Joel’s Piano Man “they put bread in my jar, and say man, what are you doing here?” Like he is so talented, it is beyond belief that he would lower himself to play piano in a tavern. Just a side note, I also can’t stand “We didn’t start the fire”, but it is not smarmy. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857.md?page=6)