# Smarmy songs that make you want to kick the singers (even though you wouldn't) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 1, 2001, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857 "2001-07-01T17:07:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/121 "2001-08-18T08:21:54Z")
I’ll mention this only is you all promise not to show me how you draw and quarter somebody. I’ll put it in small letters so if you don’t wanna know back away, just back away. [sup]ice ice baby[/sup] damn, I hope my life insurance policy is still good. ---
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 8:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/122 "2001-08-18T08:23:50Z")
and his oreo equivalent who was “2 Legit to Quit” I’m refraining from mentioning there names for your sanity. ---
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 8:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/123 "2001-08-18T08:26:34Z")
my body produces a copious amount of natural prozac but these guys were some of the short list who could over come my body’s lacsydasicalness. ---
**Author:** ![butter\_pie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aca169/32.png) [@butter\_pie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/butter_pie)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/124 "2001-08-18T13:23:14Z")
I give you Leonard Nemoy…singing…“If I Had a Hammer.” Or pretty much anything William Shatner ever “sang.” And please tell me I didn’t read John Lennon’s name somewhere on this list. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Mecreant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/439d5e/32.png) [@Mecreant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mecreant)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/125 "2001-08-18T13:50:37Z")
How about the mercifully obscure Beatles song Goodnight from the white album? ---
**Author:** ![ity2525](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/22d042/32.png) [@ity2525](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ity2525)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/126 "2001-08-18T17:12:43Z")
There’s the entire Cher oeuvre . . . Examples: Half Breed, Gypsys, Tramps and Thieves, You Better Sit Down Kids, her stuff with Greg Allman, Do You Believe in Life after Love. God. ---
**Author:** ![ity2525](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/22d042/32.png) [@ity2525](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ity2525)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/127 "2001-08-18T17:29:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lamia \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Hometownboy \* > > \*\* > > How about knee-jerk teen death songs including \*\*Last Kiss \*\* originally by J. Frank Wilson and later redone by (what _were_ they thinking???) Pearl Jam. > > \*\* > > I’m almost embarassed that I know this much about the song, but it was originally by Wayne Cochran. It was then covered by Frank Wilson and the Cavaliers. People remember this as the “original version” because it made it to #2 on the national charts, whereas the _real_ original version was merely a local hit in Georgia. > > As for what Pearl Jam was thinking, they recorded their cover of “Last Kiss” as a joke. It was released as their annual Christmas gift to members of their fan club and was never intended for general release. It began climbing the charts on radio airplay alone (many rock DJs also get the PJ Christmas singles through the fan club), and since there was such a high demand for the song the band decided to release it to the general public and donate the proceeds to charity. > > > [@](#): > > > > _Originally posted by ThisYearsGirl_ > > \*\* > > This song really disturbs me. Especially that “I got to be good so I can see my baby when I leave this world” line. Like dying isn’t bad, if you can see your baby? That just seems creepily close to killing your child so he can with with Jesus. > > \*\* > > I don’t know if this will make you feel any better, but the “baby” in “Last Kiss” is the narrator’s girlfriend, not his child. > > Speaking of creepy, if you listen to the version of this song by the Cavaliers, Frank Wilson’s vocals seem just a little too chipper for someone describing the accident that took his girlfriend’s life. Kind of makes you think that maybe the guy isn’t really sad at all, that he crashed the car _on purpose_! Or maybe that’s just me. > > Anyway, when it comes to smarmy car crash songs, I think the prize must go to “Tell Laura I Love Her”. It’s about a guy who dies in a car race he entered to win money to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. Blech. Dave Barry and Garrison Keillor did a great cover of it when Dave Barry was a guest on “A Prarie Home Companion”. \*\* What about DOA? I seem to remember it from my childhood: “I remember . . . we were flying low and hit something in the air; I remember . . . I looked for my leg (or arm or head or something) and found it wasn’t there.” Or am I just dreaming this? ---
**Author:** ![Chanteuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Chanteuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chanteuse)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/128 "2001-08-18T17:36:55Z")
Simply\_Cats, I think that the song you mentioned was done by Steve Wariner, who must be a tree, he’s so full of sap. He did one I really loathe called “Holes In The Floor Of Heaven.” In it, a little boy loses his grandmother the day before his birthday, and as he is grieving, his mom tells him that “there’s holes in the floor of heaven and her tears are pourin’ down. That’s how you know she’s watchin’, wishin’ she could be here now.” Frankly, the idea that my loved one is in heaven, just as miserable as I am here would not bring me a lot of comfort. I hate anything done recently by Faith Hill, though I loved her stuff when she was still a country singer. Same for Shania Vain…oops, I mean Twain. “Gentle On My Mind,” by Glen Campbell. The song seems to say that since he can go to her and get laid any old time he’s in the neighborhood without fear that she will want “forever” from him, he just can’t get her off his mind. What a load of crap. Ronnie Milsap’s “There Ain’t No Gettin’ Over Me,” and Collin Raye’s “All I Can Be Is A Sweet Memory.” How conceited can a person get?! One part of the song “Dumas Walker” by the Kentucky Headhunters. As a whole, I love the song but the one line that says “he has a photogenic mind” when what they mean is a photographic memory just drives me crazy! 🙂 Yes I know that I have posted country when most everyone else has talked about other genres. I love a variety of music (I have everything from Mel Tillis through Def Leppard in my CD collection), but Dave Barry’s book pretty much excluded country, so people like me didn’t get a chance to spew there, so I took my opportunity to do it here! AHHHHHH!! What a relief! ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/129 "2001-08-18T18:11:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by caircair \* > \*\*BOY do I have a lot to say. FIRST: re: “I Am, I Said” – yes, the lyrics suck. But Mr. Diamond was in a deep depression when he wrote this, and having been there myself, I understand that feeling of having NOBODY and NOTHING paying any attention to you. \*\* Not even the chair? I don’t care _how_ depressed Mr. Diamond was, there’s no excuse for why Mr. Diamond is so damned shocked that the chair couldn’t hear him: **_"I AM!"_ I SAID** To no-one there AND no **ONE** heard **AT** all **NOT** even the chair(?!) **_"I AM!"_ I SAID** _“I AM!”_ I shrieked The couch said nothing And the desk wouldn’t speak **_"I AM!"_ I SAID** The rug just snored The stove was quiet but the lamp said “I’m bored” Look: the chair thing isn’t a metaphor, an allusion or anything else: it’s simply crappy song-writing. He needed a rhyme and it fit. Diamond has done good stuff, but “I Am I Said” ain’t it, IMHO. And am I the only one who, when he hears Gilbert O’Sullivan warble: In a little while from now If I’m not feeling any less sour I promise myself to treat myself And visit a nearby tower And climbing to the top will throw myself off keeps thinking “jump! Jump! JUMP! **JUMP!** and stop whining at me, you sniveller” ? I have great sympathy for those who suffer from depression. 10,000 Maniac’s “Like the Weather” perfectly describes the feeling. Gilbert’s bouncy little ditty doesn’t and Diamond’s is a whole lot closer to describing some sort of Schizophrenia than it is to depression. Fenris ---
**Author:** ![Marvel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marvel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marvel)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/130 "2001-08-18T18:16:20Z")
(Quote)“Dear Mr. Jesus” was a memorial to Lisa Steinberg, the illegally adopted six-year-old girl who was beaten to death by Joel Steinberg while his common-law wife, Hedda Nussbaum, did nothing to protect her. (End quote) Huh?!?! Where did you hear that? Don’t think I’ve ever heard of the Steinbergs. Plus the last few lines of the song wouldn’t make sense if what you say is correct: “Please don’t tell my Daddy, But my Mommy hits me too.” And written as a memorial or not, its STILL a sappy-ass song. Being a memorial tune doesn’t help “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” out, either. Patty ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/131 "2001-08-18T18:19:20Z")
Even if not smarm, highly regrettable nonetheless: _El Paso_, courtesy of Marty Robbins, not only because of the Bizarro World behavior of its characters (Felina: “Shoot my boyfriend to death, hey? Well, I’ll just be in love with you, then. Hurry back, hon. I’ll have the posse waiting for you”}, but also for the “sequel,” (somebody who knows the title, please do me a favor and keep it to yourself) wherein the light plane pilot has past-life flashbacks of getting shot by a posse when he flies over El Paso. _Big John_, and its sequel, _Big John’s Cajun Queen_ by Jimmy Dean. And of course, _Teddy Bear_; not the one by Elvis (problematic though it may be), but the one by Red Sovine. True Fact: the lyric for that one made it into a _Chicken Soup For the Soul_ book. ---
**Author:** ![jab1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ee7513/32.png) [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/132 "2001-08-18T19:02:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fenris \* > **Per Dave Barry, the single smuggest, smarmy-est song ever is Five Man Electrical Band’s “Signs” (Signs, signs/everywhere a sign/takin’ up scenery/breaking my mind)** [sub]I, uh, liked that song.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/133 "2001-08-18T19:15:06Z")
Anything by Limp Bizkit. Short summary of all their “songs”: I am so great! I am so great! Everybody love me, I am so great! ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/134 "2001-08-18T19:38:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jab1 \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Fenris \* > > **Per Dave Barry, the single smuggest, smarmy-est song ever is Five Man Electrical Band’s “Signs” (Signs, signs/everywhere a sign/takin’ up scenery/breaking my mind)** > > [sub]I, uh, liked that song.[/sub] \*\* ::scrutinzes **jab1** :: Do you like it because _you’re_ a long-haired, freaky person? 😃 😉 And, in fairness, I have to admit that upon double checking Barry didn’t say “Signs” was smarmy after all. He said > [@](#): > > I think this is a song that will forever hold the record for self rightous hippie smugness, if only for these lyrics: > _If God was here, He’d tell you to your face > Man, you’re some kind of sinner_ As for me, I _hate_ the song. I keep wanting to slap the singer, telling him “Get over yourself!”. Fenris ---
**Author:** ![jab1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ee7513/32.png) [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/135 "2001-08-18T19:43:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by AlbertRose \* > _MacArthur’s Park is melting in the dark > All the sweet cream icing flowing down > I don’t thing that I can take it > 'Cause it took so long to bake it > And I’ll never have that recipe agaaaaiin!!_ Okay, you have to know the difference between crap and a parody of crap; “MacArthur’s Park” is the latter; they were making fun of this type of song, ones where there is much lamentation and gnashing of teeth and rending of garments over trivial things, songs whose writers must have been spoiled brats. Am I the only one old enough to remember “Sugar, Sugar,” by The Archies? THAT was not a parody. And let us not forget the immortal “Yummy, Yummy, Yummy (I Got Love in My Tummy).” Oh, yeah? I guess that means you swallow… ---
**Author:** ![Protesilaus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Protesilaus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Protesilaus)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/136 "2001-08-18T21:11:07Z")
I’m surprised the thread lasted so long without “The Wind Beneath my Wings” being mentioned. But the song that I really want to mention is The Jayhawks’ “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me” (charming already, right?) \*We talked for hours at a time Then I came to my senses You’re more than a friend You’re my perfect lover I’ll never be all you want me to But that’s all right I’m gonna make you love me I’m gonna dry your tears And we’re gonna stay together For a million years \* Sounds like it belongs on a CD called “Music to Stalk By.” ---
**Author:** ![pesch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pesch/32/4925_2.png) [@pesch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pesch)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/137 "2001-08-18T21:18:53Z")
This might pass the smarmy taste-test: “The Glory of Love” – Yep, we did it all. Anything we do is OK because, hey, it’s for the glory of love. Me, I’ll take a good dry-humping over the GL anyday. Also, “Copacabana” by Manilow (which reminds me of the old National Lampoon headline: “Vaginitis Halts Manilow Tour”) Anyway, here’s the singer describing adultry and murder, and concludes with great joyous abandon that only BM can provide: "She lost her youth / She lost her Tony / Now **she lost her mind** At the COPA!" ---
**Author:** ![racinchikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@racinchikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racinchikki)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/138 "2001-08-18T21:28:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mayflower \* > One part of the song “Dumas Walker” by the Kentucky Headhunters. As a whole, I love the song but the one line that says “he has a photogenic mind” when what they mean is a photographic memory just drives me crazy! 🙂 **That’s** the name of that damn song?! This whole time I’ve thought they were singing “let’s all go down to do Miss Walker…” (Well, I knew that couldn’t be right, but I couldn’t figure out what they were actually saying.) ---
**Author:** ![The\_Bitterdrunk\_Kid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/278dde/32.png) [@The\_Bitterdrunk\_Kid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Bitterdrunk_Kid)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/139 "2001-08-18T21:55:23Z")
One Voice: Billy Gillman- Anybody ever heard this little wussy? He’s a little 12 year old sissy boy “country” singer who somebody taught to move on stage like one of those crappy lounge singers. This kid makes me want to PUKE! ---
**Author:** ![ThisYearsGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@ThisYearsGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThisYearsGirl)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2001, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/140 "2001-08-18T23:42:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by DPWhite \* > \*\*Anything by Neil Diamond > \*\* Has anyone else seen the Neil Diamond Behind the Music? Boy, everyone they interview on that is just so. . . intense. Everything they say just seems so ultra serious. “Everyone loved Neil Diamond and then. . . (pensive gaze to something off camera and knuckle biting) no one did.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857.md?page=8)