# Smarmy songs that make you want to kick the singers (even though you wouldn't) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 1, 2001, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857 "2001-07-01T17:07:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![psychogumby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@psychogumby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychogumby)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/141 "2001-08-19T00:50:05Z")
“You’re Gorgeous” by Baby Bird. This song came out about 5 years ago, it was some English song about a guy who had just paid 20 pounds to sleep with a male prostitute. I’m not sure if this song was taking the piss or what, but it was smarm at its most hideous. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/142 "2001-08-19T01:29:28Z")
Does anyone remember the song titled **Playgrounds in my Mind** or something like that. \*…and the children laugh and the children play and they sing this song all day ‘My name is Michael I’ve got a nickle I’ve got a nickle shiney and new I’m gonna buy me all kinds of candy That’s what I’m gonna do’ ‘My name is Cindy When we get married We’re gonna have a baby or two We’re gonna let them visit their grandma That’s what we’re gonna do’ \* Fuck this thread for making me remember that. Haj ---
**Author:** ![Kaitlyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/73ab20/32.png) [@Kaitlyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaitlyn)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/143 "2001-08-19T01:53:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ankh\_Too \* > \*\ ***John Michael Montgomery** - _The Little Girl_ > > This is, without a doubt, the smarmiest, most self-righteous pile of steaming crap I’ve heard in a long time. Although, I’m not sure if the fact that I’ve heard so many people with bright eyes and a breathless voice tell me that it’s definitely, for sure, has to be, without a doubt based on a true story… of course I don’t have any proof, but it just has to be, it’s so ispirational, don’t you think? > > gag. \*\* According to [Snopes](http://www.snopes2.com/), the origins of the story are unknown, but there certainly isn’t any evidence that it is a true story. > [@](#): > > \*\*But hey, for totally cynical smarminess, how about “We didn’t start the Fire” By Billy Joel? Shamelessly imitating Dylan by way of R.E.M., he strings together totally meaningless lines, with some kind of refrain, posing as a ‘Protest’ song? in the 90’s? \*\* They aren’t exactly meaningless. Each couple of lines lists a few significant events that occurred in the same year, starting with the year of Joel’s birth and progressing through the year the song was recorded. > [@](#): > > \*\*Butterfly Kisses \ This is one of the nastiest songs I’ve ever heard! I think it sounds incestuous! Butterfly kisses are supposed to be sexy, and this song is about a father and his daughter. \*\* I have no idea what the sexual meaning is, but in this case it refers to the little girl kissing her daddy on the cheek and rapidly blinking her eyes so that her eyelashes feel like a butterfly’s wings against his cheek. Do not take this a defense of the song, I hate it too. > [@](#): > > \*\*Also smarmy, Billy Joel’s Piano Man “they put bread in my jar, and say man, what are you doing here?” Like he is so talented, it is beyond belief that he would lower himself to play piano in a tavern. \*\* Not exactly. Joel helped support his family as a teenager by playing piano in a piano bar. Most of the songs listed here are more glurges than smarmy, but, hey, that’s just as bad. I have a high tolerance for sugary lyrics, enough so that my main preset is a soft-rock station. But even I have my limits. Already mentioned, but when I hear these on the soft-rock station, I gotta change the station. Seasons in the Sun Billy, Don’t be a Hero Wildfire Don’t take the Girl Butterfly Kissed I don’t care for “I Am, I Said”, but strangely, I do like it’s country equivilent “Countin’ Flowers on the Wall” \*Countin’ flowers on the wall, That don’t bother me at all. Playin’ solitaire till dawn, With a deck of fifty-one. Smokin’ cigarettes and watchin’ Captain (Kang-) Kangaroo, Now don’t tell me, I’ve nothin’ to do. ---
**Author:** ![Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angel_of_the_lord/32/2949_2.png) [@Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angel_of_the_Lord)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/144 "2001-08-19T02:23:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Protesilaus \* > \*\*I’m surprised the thread lasted so long without “The Wind Beneath my Wings” being mentioned. But the song that I really want to mention is The Jayhawks’ “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me” (charming already, right?) > Sounds like it belongs on a CD called “Music to Stalk By.” \*\* Heh. I hate the song, but for a different reason…I had my first car crash while that song was on the radio. That kind of thing sticks in one’s mind… …as for worst song, I’d have to nominate “Come on, Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners. I can’t listen to it. Literally. I think I might have fractured my sister’s skull over it. I maintain that I was justified. –Gabe ---
**Author:** ![Chas.E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e99b99/32.png) [@Chas.E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chas.E)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/145 "2001-08-19T03:27:33Z")
Ok, look out everyone, here is US Government Issue Smarm in industrial strength 55gal barrels. Even worse, it is now regularly appearing on TV in a Time-Life Records commercial, along with other equally smarmy hits. I will cite the last stanzas for maximal smarm effect. So get your cyanide pills ready, here we go: Back at home a young wife waits Her Green Beret has met his fate He has died for those oppressed Leaving her his last request Put silver wings on my son’s chest Make him one of America’s best He’ll be a man they’ll test one day Have him win the Green Beret BTW, you know that record companies mine the internet looking for new ideas about recycling their old material. Look forward to new All-Smarm CDs appearing with the songs from this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Chanteuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Chanteuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chanteuse)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/146 "2001-08-19T03:52:04Z")
Racinchikki, I’m glad that I could clear that up for ya! 🙂 I got a good laugh over your post though–I never realized how those lyrics could sound! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![jonmay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9f8e36/32.png) [@jonmay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jonmay)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/147 "2001-08-19T04:20:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Zach Lee \* > Actually, my Webster’s defines _smarmy_ as “fulsomely flattering”, so I’m not sure any of these songs really fit the definition. My vote is for Lee Greenwood’s stand-up-and-salute anthem made popular in the gulf war - “God Bless the USA” Ugg… - If tomorrow all the things were gone I’d worked for all my life And I had to start again With just my children and my wife I’d thank my lucky stars To be living here today 'Cause the flag still stands for freedom And they can’t take that away. I’m proud to be an American Where at least I know I’m free, And I won’t forget the men who died Who gave that right to me, And I gladly stand up next to you And defend her still today, 'Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land God Bless the U.S.A. From the lakes of Minnesota To the hills of Tennessee, Across the plains of Texas From sea to shining sea. From Detroit down to Houston And New York to L.A., There’s pride in every American heart And it’s time we stand and say: (repeat ad nauseam) \* ---
**Author:** ![caircair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/91b2a8/32.png) [@caircair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/caircair)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/148 "2001-08-19T04:35:02Z")
Oh, another one comes to mind. Anyone remember “Youuuuuu Liiiight UUUppp MYYYYYYYY LIIIIIFFFFEEEE!!!” (Damn you, Debbie Boone!) ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/149 "2001-08-19T04:38:31Z")
**Fallenangel** , the Dan Fogelberg song is “Same Auld Lang Syne.” **Angel of the Lord** , Come on Eileen is a GREAT song! 😛 No, really! I cannot believe that this thread has gone through 3 whole pages with not one mention of Air Supply (Lost in Love, All out of Love, Making Love Out of Nothing at All). Are y’all losing your touch or something? 😉 But, the all-time cheesiest song (yeah, I know the OP said “smarmy” but what do we care? 😉 ) has to be the Charlie Dore “classic” _Pilot of the Airways_. _Pilot of the Airways, here is my request. You don’t have to play it but I hope you do your best. I’ve been listening to your show on the radio, and you seem like a friend to me._ ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/150 "2001-08-19T05:01:38Z")
OMG! I just remembered the Judy Collins cheeze “classic” _Send in the Clowns_! Will the madness never end?!? …help me ---
**Author:** ![quecojones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/58956e/32.png) [@quecojones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/quecojones)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/151 "2001-08-19T05:54:23Z")
WTF? ---
**Author:** ![GradMom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/5e9695/32.png) [@GradMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GradMom)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/152 "2001-08-19T06:11:45Z")
I don’t know if it is considered “smarmy,” but I really hate Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain.” You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you. Well, it IS about him/her. I’d call it perceptive rather than vain. I cannot tell you how long I have waited for a forum to vent that opnion!!! I feel better already! ---
**Author:** ![Anal\_Scurvy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c57346/32.png) [@Anal\_Scurvy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anal_Scurvy)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/153 "2001-08-19T06:55:27Z")
I’m having trouble differentiate between smarmy and vaccuous. I don’t want to wander into vaccuous because I don’t feel like naming every pop song I’ve ever heard. Smarmy: Tom Jones The song IN THE YEAR 2525 (though I confess I like the Project Pitchfork version) Standing Outside the Fire - Garth Brooks all of Eminem’s songs whining about being persecuted or imitated (I’m searching Bearshare for some of the songs here and one of the things that came up was GOAT SEX – TENNIS BALL IN THE ASS) ---
**Author:** ![\_DaTman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/_/da6949/32.png) [@\_DaTman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/_DaTman)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/154 "2001-08-19T11:01:09Z")
My most favorite song to hate, Lee Greenwood’s Wind Beneath My Wings…worst place I’ve ever heard it…a wedding…and anything “Barf Brooks” does…is’nt he just Billy Ray Cyrus with his head shaved? …as the vomit comes forth ---
**Author:** ![Monkeypants](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecd19e/32.png) [@Monkeypants](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monkeypants)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/155 "2001-08-19T14:34:22Z")
. . . “Simply the Best” is simply the best. ---
**Author:** ![Billy\_Rubin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billy_rubin/32/3622_2.png) [@Billy\_Rubin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billy_Rubin)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/156 "2001-08-19T14:51:38Z")
I could have just gone on about my business and ignored the thread, but the title sucked me in. Now, all those oily, nasty, disgusting songs which I’d just about managed to erase permanently from long-term storage are back. And I’ll be humming them for weeks. Requiring a lot of therapy, or perhaps just beating my head with a brick to make the bad songs go away. So when you go to bed tonight, just think of me, huddled in a corner of my basment, fetal position, keening…humming “billy, don’t be a hero”. Thanks a hell of a lot. b. ---
**Author:** ![Infectious\_Lass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e56c9b/32.png) [@Infectious\_Lass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infectious_Lass)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/157 "2001-08-19T17:00:34Z")
It’s been mentioned before but-that ‘I’ve never been to me’ song by Chantel or Sabrina or whoever it was. I only heard it once when I was about 12 and that was quite enough for one lifetime! It was something about “I’ve undressed princes and kings and had this exciting life but you are a far more worthwhile person because you have kids and I don’t.”-I am paraphrasing the sentiments somewhat. Basically, as I recall the whole thing was; a woman can’t have a fulfilling life unless she has had kids :rolleyes: It made my 12 year old self want to puke! I thought the lifestyle of the woman who had never ahem…‘been to her’ sounded _much_ more appealing than that of the woman with kids. I know which one I’d choose! Oh and I hate hate hate Stevie Wonder’s ‘I Just Called To Say I Love You’ as well. Nasty sentimental bllllllllluuuuuuuuuuch.And it was number one in the UK for about 6 million weeks (approx.) And I’d just like to say I really love ‘Seasons in the Sun’ no really! It’s one of my favourite songs ever! I downloaded it from Napster and everything! When I was about eight I thought that was the most moving song ever written (that is the innocence of youth for you!)and I still have a certain affection for it even now. (feel free to point and laugh I don’t care! 🙂 ) ---
**Author:** ![Infectious\_Lass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e56c9b/32.png) [@Infectious\_Lass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infectious_Lass)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/158 "2001-08-19T17:20:43Z")
Oh! no offense against any women who have kids-I hope that my last post won’t look as if I am attacking them, in fact I want to have kids myself one day, but it just gets my goat when having kids is presented as the be-all and end-all of a woman’s life and her _only_ lifestyle option, I hate that! Oh and I also hate that ‘Everything I do I do it for you’ by Bryan Adams which was also number one in the uk for a million years. Yet more sentimental bluuuuuuuuuuch. If I had a boyfriend who thought that was romantic I’d leave him! (yeah! Girl power!)🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tabithina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f04885/32.png) [@Tabithina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tabithina)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/159 "2001-08-19T17:47:46Z")
I probably deserve to die for this, but I have to mention [I Started a Joke](http://www.linux.ime.usp.br/~victor/espaco/ISAJ.html), by the Bee Gees. Once I was stuck in a _lonnnnnnnng_ check-out line behind a man who was tunelessly whistling this gem. I looked around for a blunt object with which I could silence him, but the biggest thing I could find was a Charleston Chew candy bar, so I quietly endured and shared pained glances with the rest of his captive audience. Nothing says _it’s all about me_ quite like this li’l tune. ---
**Author:** ![JonathanTheRed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8491ac/32.png) [@JonathanTheRed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JonathanTheRed)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2001, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857/160 "2001-08-19T19:43:14Z")
As one of Dave Barry’s respondents to the Bad Song Survey put it, “Honey” is bearable if you assume it’s the Hell’s Angels that took her away. And Joan Osborne’s “What If God Was One Of Us?” may deserve raspberries both for its pretentious lyrics and the poor grammar of its title. But it gets bonus points for having inspired one of Bob Rivers’s greatest parodies, “What If God Smoked Cannabis?” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarmy-songs-that-make-you-want-to-kick-the-singers-even-though-you-wouldnt/70857.md?page=9)