# Smart ass answers to dumb ass questions **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 7, 2000, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699 "2000-04-07T04:33:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/1 "2000-04-07T04:33:00Z")
In the spirit of “Ask the \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ guy.” I am starting this. I hope to be able to answer any and all questions, as long as they fit the bill. Heh. Anyway, I will provide exactly what the title says: Smart-ass answers to dumb-ass questions. So go ahead, ask away… There has to be something that you have always wanted a snappy come-back or a smart ass answer for. Hopefully, I can con Wally and some other like minded ilk to come in here and help me. So let’s get it on! ---
**Author:** ![kinoons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a698b9/32.png) [@kinoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kinoons)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/2 "2000-04-07T05:52:00Z")
Okay Lexi, heres a pitch right down the middle Why do you drive in a parkway and park in a driveway? * * * “Bones, help that man!” – “Damnit Jim, I’m a doctor not a doc…I’ll get right on it.” ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/3 "2000-04-07T06:47:00Z")
## You drive **on** a parkway, and park **on** a driveway, if you’re in them you probably pissed off some italian guy. Besides, a lot of people don’t park on the driveway, they drive along the driveway on the way to the garage. Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken. ---
**Author:** ![Chrome\_Toaster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Chrome\_Toaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chrome_Toaster)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 7:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/4 "2000-04-07T07:07:00Z")
Lexi, if I stick feathers up my butt, what am I, if not a chicken? ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 8:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/5 "2000-04-07T08:37:00Z")
_(I’m feeling strong today. I’ll do it!)_ i here theres 3 wordz in teh englisch langiuage thjat end in -GRY. i only know angry & hungry. wutz the 3d won? h3lp m3 out h33r dUd3!! * * * **Defect borg: _“Refutile is sistance. Your ass will be simulated”._** * * * **WallyM7** on Coldfire: _ **"Yeah, he knows a little about everything because they have a good prison library."** _ ---
**Author:** ![Babar714](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@Babar714](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babar714)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 9:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/6 "2000-04-07T09:09:00Z")
Why can’t I cook my Thanksgiving dinner for 375 hours at 4 degrees? ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 9:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/7 "2000-04-07T09:11:00Z")
Chrome toaster: Would you be a toasted chicken sandwich? Coldfire: You beat me to it, and I also lost our bet over bedboys new ID. * * * \*\*Id rather be no one than someone with no one \*\* ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 9:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/8 "2000-04-07T09:13:00Z")
Babar: you’d have to start cooking it at Holloween… (ok, that might be wrong, but you get the idea!! 🙂 * * * \*\*Id rather be no one than someone with no one \*\* ---
**Author:** ![Myron\_Van\_Horowitzski](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@Myron\_Van\_Horowitzski](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myron_Van_Horowitzski)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/9 "2000-04-07T13:52:00Z")
How much wood could a woodchuck…oh, never mind. * * * Imbibo, ergo sum. ---
**Author:** ![SingleDad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@SingleDad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SingleDad)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/10 "2000-04-07T14:57:00Z")
How can I use a barometer to find the height of a building? * * * Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/11 "2000-04-07T15:17:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by **JohnLarrigan** : > > I also lost our bet over bedboys new ID. NO! What is it? Where is the little spanker? Esprix * * * [Ask the Gay Guy!](http://boards.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum7/HTML/001376.html) (or, if you prefer the Jesusfied version, [Asketh the damn Priest Guy!](http://www.askjesus.org/ask.cgi?http://boards.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum7/HTML/001376.html)) ---
**Author:** ![techchick68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ea5d25/32.png) [@techchick68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/techchick68)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2000, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/12 "2000-04-08T05:29:00Z")
Lexicon, I have one for you. Why did you start this thread? :::::running quickly to the shelter of the closet:::::: ---
**Author:** ![aha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eada6e/32.png) [@aha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aha)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2000, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/13 "2000-04-08T05:35:00Z")
Why does ice freeze at 32 degrees?..no! wait! That’s a pretty good question… :::::headed off for GQ:::::::: * * * Yours truly, aha ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/14 "2000-04-07T18:57:00Z")
Ice DOESN’T freeze at 32 degrees, silly… it’s already frozen. ## Water, now that’s different. Live a Lush Life Da Chef ---
**Author:** ![kinoons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a698b9/32.png) [@kinoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kinoons)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/15 "2000-04-07T19:07:00Z")
Why do 24 hour Walmarts have locks on their doors? * * * “Bones, help that man!” – “Damnit Jim, I’m a doctor not a doc…I’ll get right on it.” ---
**Author:** ![Glitch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/0ea827/32.png) [@Glitch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Glitch)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/16 "2000-04-07T19:16:00Z")
Dear Smart Ass Answer Guy, What is the best martial art? Glitch ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Watson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Dr.Watson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Watson)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/17 "2000-04-07T19:24:00Z")
What becomes a legend most? Dr. Watson “Victim of a rare pre-modern, post-constructionist disorder which manifests itself in deconstructionist, post-modern angst of a vaguely Viennese variety.” ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/18 "2000-04-07T19:39:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by SingleDad: > \*\*How can I use a barometer to find the height of a building? > > \*\* ## Tie string to barometer, throw off building, measure length of string, lol…(Love your sig, btw) “That’s impossible! Cartman doesn’t know a rainforest from a Pop-Tart!” “Yes I do! Pop-Tarts are frosted!” ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/19 "2000-04-07T22:09:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Lexi, if I stick feathers up my butt, what am I, if not a chicken? An individual with severe psychological problems, or very kinky, or both. One can only hope… ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/20 "2000-04-07T22:15:00Z")
> [@](#): > > i here theres 3 wordz in teh englisch langiuage thjat end in -GRY. i only know angry & hungry. wutz the 3d won? h3lp m3 out h33r dUd3!! Putzgry. It means someone who likes to piss off wally and get flamed unmerciful. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699.md?page=2)