# Smart ass answers to dumb ass questions **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 7, 2000, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699 "2000-04-07T04:33:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/21 "2000-04-07T22:29:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Why can’t I cook my Thanksgiving dinner for 375 hours at 4 degrees? Because you’d be freezing it, silly-ass. ---
**Author:** ![Chrome\_Toaster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Chrome\_Toaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chrome_Toaster)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/22 "2000-04-07T22:34:00Z")
Originally posted by Lexicon: > [@](#): > > An individual with severe psychological problems, or very kinky, or both. > One can only hope… Is this how it goes?: Kinky… you only use feathers Sick: you use the whole chicken ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/23 "2000-04-07T23:01:00Z")
> [@](#): > > How can I use a barometer to find the height of a building? Drop it off the top onto a bus-stop, then count and see how long it takes the cops to come up and Rodney King you. The number of years you will spend in a federal pound-me-in the-ass prison is inversely proportionate to the number of floors in the building. 15 feet per floor times n equals height of building. ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/24 "2000-04-07T23:05:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Why did you start this thread? If I hadn’t, I never would’ve gotten to hear you ask a dumb-ass question. ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/25 "2000-04-07T23:06:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Why do 24 hour Walmarts have locks on their doors? So they can lock them when they see you coming. ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/26 "2000-04-07T23:13:00Z")
> [@](#): > > What is the best martial art? Wu Tang Fu That music sure makes _me_ want to blow my brains out. ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2000, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/27 "2000-04-07T23:19:00Z")
> [@](#): > > What becomes a legend most? Monsters. Faeries. An honest lawyer. Something from Microsoft that is easy to use and has no bugs, and other things that do not exist. ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2000, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/28 "2000-04-08T01:41:00Z")
_bump_ ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2000, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/29 "2000-04-08T03:41:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by SingleDad: > \*\*How can I use a barometer to find the height of a building? > \*\* That’s easy. The _real_ trick is using the height of a building to locate a barometer. And if anybody figures **that** out, come tell me! 😃 * * * You should tell the truth, expose the lies and live in the moment."-Bill Hicks “You should tell the lies, live the truth and expose yourself.” - Bill Clinton ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2000, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/30 "2000-04-08T03:48:00Z")
You know these are all great dumb-ass questions, but I had other ones in mind, stuff that you run into in everyday life. I shall provide the following example. Dumb-ass question- Can I speak to your manager? Smart-ass answer- Okay, take a shit in your hand… now rub it on your face. Betchya feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? And no, you can’t speak to my manager. * * * Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken. ---
**Author:** ![SingleDad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@SingleDad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SingleDad)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2000, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/31 "2000-04-08T05:45:00Z")
Oh you mean like, \ “What time did the last bus leave here?” ---
**Author:** ![WallyM7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b5e925/32.png) [@WallyM7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WallyM7)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2000, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/32 "2000-04-08T05:48:00Z")
What would happen to me if I said, “Shut up” to the Pope? * * * Don’t be sexist. The broads hate that. ---
**Author:** ![crackwise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/22d042/32.png) [@crackwise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crackwise)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2000, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/33 "2000-04-08T05:57:00Z")
Guy at drive through: Can I get that to go? (Hey Lex and company. Just checking the hangout before crashing - it’s been an exhausting two days) ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2000, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/34 "2000-04-08T06:35:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \ “What time did the last bus leave here?” About the same time your brain left your house… about half an hour ago. * * * Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken. ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2000, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/35 "2000-04-08T06:39:00Z")
> [@](#): > > What would happen to me if I said, “Shut up” to the Pope? If a nimrod like you ever meets the pope, I am sure the gods that be will suspend your talking priveliges for the enitre episode and triggering the holocaust. \*I need to make it clear that my replies to these ?'s are not directed at the dopers who posted them, rather at the hypothetical dumb-ass who asks them… so don’t get hurt, you know I love _you!_ ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2000, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/36 "2000-04-08T06:42:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Guy at drive through: Can I get that to go? No sir, I’m afraid I can’t give you this order to go. I believe that you are entirely too stupid to talk with your thumb in your ass, let alone drive with food in your car, so I can’t let you have this to go. Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![crackwise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/22d042/32.png) [@crackwise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crackwise)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2000, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/37 "2000-04-08T06:52:00Z")
Excellent Lex. Here’s another: Guy comes in from outside, soaking wet. Other guy asks: “Is it raining?” ---
**Author:** ![casdave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c6cbf5/32.png) [@casdave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/casdave)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2000, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/38 "2000-04-08T13:36:00Z")
Here’s one Why did you come home drunk? or If I told you to jump out the window would you do that too? ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2000, 10:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/39 "2000-04-09T10:17:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Guy comes in from outside, soaking wet. Other guy asks: “Is it raining?” No, it’s not raining so hard that the car that didn’t drive by didn’t splash me by driving through the puddle that wasn’t there making me even wetter than your wife at my bachelor party. ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2000, 10:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699/40 "2000-04-09T10:24:00Z")
[quote Why did you come home drunk? [/quote] Well, I couldn’t very well stay the whole night at your sister’s house, now could I? > [@](#): > > If I told you to jump out the window would you do that too? No, but I’d consider tossing your portentous ass out, though. And don’t think I’d open it beforehand, either. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smart-ass-answers-to-dumb-ass-questions/15699.md?page=3)