# Smarty Jones, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 4, 2004, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642 "2004-06-04T16:17:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/1 "2004-06-04T16:17:41Z")
Normally the world of horse racing doesn’t have much impact on me. But what with Smarty Jones having won the first two legs of the Triple Crown and going for the sweep at the Belmont Stakes Saturday, the level of published idiocy is making an impression. The outright weirdest and dumbest piece was published in the New York Times this week. The writer suggested that America was hanging on the outcome of the Belmont in hopes of relief from Iraq and other problems, much as Secretariat rescued the nation when he won the Triple Crown in ‘73. The writer also praised Smarty Jones’ “intelligent good looks”. Cripes, it’s a _horse_ for crying out loud. It looks pretty much like any thoroughbred. I doubt even other horses are very impressed by its “intelligent good looks”. Show me its board scores, and we’ll talk intelligence. It runs fast, and somewhat faster when someone whacks it with a stick. As for the Relief of the National Malaise argument, I was around when Secretariat did his thing, and I can’t recall it making much of a dent in the national discourse of the time. And it strains credulity to think that people will come together in a happy obliteration of our national problems if Smarty comes in first (I’ll check the SDMB first thing if he wins, to see if **Reeder** and **Brutus** are exchanging undying pledges of brotherhood). Woo-woo-woo. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/2 "2004-06-04T16:56:24Z")
I went out with Smarty Jones last week, and he is not _just_ a horse. He took me to the Met and was able to discourse (of course, of course) on pre-Revolutionary French clothing, and treated me to dinner at “21” afterward. Then we chucked that little guy on his back and went partying at Smarty’s place, and . . . well, “just a horse” doesn’t _begin_ to cover it. (Doodling in notebook: “Mrs. Smarty Jones . . . Eve Jones . . . Dr. and Mrs. Smarty Jones . . .”) ---
**Author:** ![Airman\_Doors\_USAF](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e36b37/32.png) [@Airman\_Doors\_USAF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Airman_Doors_USAF)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/3 "2004-06-04T17:01:58Z")
**Eve** , just make sure that when you die you convince people that it was on a toilet rather than under a horse, because stuff like this is how urban legends start. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/4 "2004-06-04T17:08:28Z")
Supposedly that horse gets a _shitload_ of fan mail. What pathetic asshole writes a fan letter to a horse? ---
**Author:** ![jlzania](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/67e7ee/32.png) [@jlzania](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jlzania)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/5 "2004-06-04T17:09:17Z")
> [@](#): > > **Eve** - I went out with Smarty Jones last week, and he is not _just_ a horse. ) So _that’s_ where he was when I couldn’t reach him by phone. And he _swore_ that he was just visiting his mum, The Old Grey Mare. Studs, they’re all alike you know-just one thing on their minds. ---
**Author:** ![Encinitas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Encinitas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Encinitas)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/6 "2004-06-04T17:12:45Z")
What’s that you say, Mrs. Robinson? Bolt’n Jones has left and gone away. Hey Hey Hey… ---
**Author:** ![Zakalwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zakalwe/32/270_2.png) [@Zakalwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zakalwe)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/7 "2004-06-04T17:13:36Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > I went out with Smarty Jones last week, and he is not _just_ a horse. He took me to the Met and was able to discourse (of course, of course) on pre-Revolutionary French clothing, and treated me to dinner at “21” afterward. > > Then we chucked that little guy on his back and went partying at Smarty’s place, and . . . well, “just a horse” doesn’t _begin_ to cover it. > > (Doodling in notebook: “Mrs. Smarty Jones . . . Eve Jones . . . Dr. and Mrs. Smarty Jones . . .”) Pedophile! He’s only three years old. Not to mention in training. If he loses the race, you will be responsible for the destruction of civilization as we know it. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Bruce\_Daddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/85f322/32.png) [@Bruce\_Daddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bruce_Daddy)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/8 "2004-06-04T17:27:54Z")
Whatdamean, _if_ he wins?! That horse so kicked all of those other horses **ass** in those other races it’s not going to be close. Not that I really care, I’ll probably just Tivo it. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/9 "2004-06-04T17:47:56Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > (Doodling in notebook: “Mrs. Smarty Jones . . . Eve Jones . . . Dr. and Mrs. Smarty Jones . . .”) Thanks. Now I have _“Me and Mrs. Jones”_ (as sung by Mr. Ed) going through my head. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/10 "2004-06-04T18:23:51Z")
> [@](#): > > Supposedly that horse gets a shitload of fan mail. What pathetic asshole writes a fan letter to a horse? I guess it’s even worse if I…I mean they! THEY! wait by the mailbox for an answer, huh? ---
**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/11 "2004-06-04T18:49:23Z")
I just want the damned race over with. I’m sick of hearing about it, mostly because a) I don’t give a fig for horse racing, b) it’s making _Sportscenter_ unwatchable, and c) “Smarty Jones” is a really stupid name. What’s next, “Wiseass Willie?” ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/12 "2004-06-04T18:58:41Z")
> [@Exgineer](#): > > I just want the damned race over with. > > I’m sick of hearing about it, mostly because a) I don’t give a fig for horse racing, b) it’s making _Sportscenter_ unwatchable, and c) “Smarty Jones” is a really stupid name. What’s next, “Wiseass Willie?” Yeah but the problem is after the race, they’ll move on to something equally inane, like can Billy Bob Joe win the pole at the Podunk 500? ---
**Author:** ![Zakalwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zakalwe/32/270_2.png) [@Zakalwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zakalwe)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/13 "2004-06-04T19:26:02Z")
> [@World Eater](#): > > Yeah but the problem is after the race, they’ll move on to something equally inane, like can Billy Bob Joe win the pole at the Podunk 500? Excuse me? Let’s be just a little careful with the NASCAR = redneck there and I won’t have to open this here can of whoop-ass on you. Actually, they’ll spend their time talking about Tiger Woods and his “slump”. The US Open starts next week (I’m aware of that because…wait for it…I’m going!). ---
**Author:** ![Mayfield\_St.Cloud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/67e7ee/32.png) [@Mayfield\_St.Cloud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mayfield_St.Cloud)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/14 "2004-06-04T19:26:58Z")
> [@World Eater](#): > > Yeah but the problem is after the race, they’ll move on to something equally inane, like can Billy Bob Joe win the pole at the Podunk 500? Well, hail yes Billy Bob’s gonna take Podunk! 'Specially if the pit crew whacks him with a stick every time he stops. ---
**Author:** ![Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7cd45c/32.png) [@Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misery_Loves_Co)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/15 "2004-06-04T19:27:40Z")
> [@Encinitas](#): > > What’s that you say, Mrs. Robinson? Bolt’n Jones has left and gone away. Hey Hey Hey… [sub](not to miss an obvious, if cheap pun)[/sub] Should’t that be **Hay Hay Hay…**? ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/16 "2004-06-04T19:32:13Z")
> [@Encinitas](#): > > What’s that you say, Mrs. Robinson? Bolt’n Jones has left and gone away. Hey Hey Hey… Mr. Robinson, I love your daughter, not your horse, sir. And don’t diss the looks. Smarty looks just like my daughter’s horse. Of course he’s a psycho hunter, and hasn’t exactly made me millions of bucks. ---
**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/17 "2004-06-04T19:36:01Z")
> [@World Eater](#): > > Yeah but the problem is after the race, they’ll move on to something equally inane, like can Billy Bob Joe win the pole at the Podunk 500? True, very true. You forgot to mention the riveting golf coverage. With the NHL and NBA seasons (finally) over we’re going to see a lot of filler crap. I don’t guess it’s reasonable of me to expect them to fill all 15 sports channels with baseball coverage, but there has to be something more interesting out there. I’m also saying that a “human interest” story about a horse is just laughable. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/18 "2004-06-04T19:43:53Z")
“And there they go… It’s Toupee going on ahead, Long Underwear has fallen down behind, and Toothpaste is being squeezed out on the rail—and at twenty to one, _Fietlebaum!_” ---
**Author:** ![Encinitas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Encinitas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Encinitas)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/19 "2004-06-04T19:53:08Z")
> [@Misery Loves Co.](#): > > [sub](not to miss an obvious, if cheap pun)[/sub] > Should’t that be **Hay Hay Hay…**? Snort! Whinny! Whoa there! ---
**Author:** ![Mayfield\_St.Cloud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/67e7ee/32.png) [@Mayfield\_St.Cloud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mayfield_St.Cloud)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642/20 "2004-06-04T20:00:05Z")
> [@Exgineer](#): > > With the NHL and NBA seasons (finally) over… The Pistons don’t even get to play the final series? What, do the Lakers just win by Executive fiat? It’s been 13 years, so I guess I didn’t keep up with the playoffs rule changes. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smarty-jones-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/248642.md?page=2)