# Smurf-vivor!

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [February 4, 2001, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113 "2001-02-04T17:55:58Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 1

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**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\
**Post date:** [February 4, 2001, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/1 "2001-02-04T17:55:58Z")

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\<The two tribes, Smurfakor and Smurfa, have merged. We’re down to the last four Smurfs. Who will be the last Smurfvivor? Let’s look in on each of the remaning members\>  
\<Close Up of Pappy Smurf. He’s whittleing something. He looks at the camera\>  
Pappy Smurf:\* I don’t trust them others. I’m trying to win and I think I’ve got a good chance, if that little slut Smurfette doesn’t set both o’ the others agin’ me. I’m old. I fought in the Gargamel wars. I don’t deserve th’ kind o’ treatment that I been gettin’. She smurfed me once, to get me to vote Paranoid Smurf off the island. I did it too. She’s one smufing filly who knows how to use her body. But they can’t vote me off. I’m th’ only one with any experience. Who was it that knew how to skin, gut and butcher Happy Smurf? Huh? If it weren’t fer me, they’d 've eaten him raw.\*

\<Cut to Angry Smurf\>  
Angry Smurf: \* This smurfing sucks. I hate Pappy Smurf. I’d like to put my smurfing fist through his ugly face. I hate all the smurfing Smurfs. \<muses a moment\> I \* didn’t\* hate it when we ate Happy Smurf, but that’s ‘cause it SHUT HIM UP! Always with the “La **LA** La-La La La” song. I know for a fact that that knife in his back was no accident. I don’t care what the smurfing investigation proved. The only smufing thing I like is the poontang I’ve been getting from that smurfing bitch Smurfette. But she’s been givin’ it to Handy Smurf too. Unless he’s gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Love the Smurfer but hate the Smurf, I always say. But it’s not my smurfstyle choice.\*

\<Esprix’s voice can be heard faintly from over **5000** miles away:\* [sup]It’s **not** a smurfstyle and it’s not a choice![/sup]\*\>

Angry Smurf: \<momentarily confused, but shakes it off\>:\*  
I think she’s been trying to smurf him too. I know she’s smurfed Pappy Smurf. I caught ‘em, once. \<shudders\> She’s playing us. I’d kick the smurf out of her if I could smurfing prove she’s foolin’ around with Handy. But until I do, I’ll let her think that she’s leading me around by my smurf. But when it comes down to her or me…it’s gonna be me. No smurfing Smurf is gonna stand in the way of me winning. Even if she is the only female smurf and if I smurf her off, I’ll never get smurfed again. Hmmm. I better smurfing rethink my smurfing strategy.\*

\<Cut to Handy Smurf, on the roof of the hut, repairing it:\>  
Handy Smurf: \*Angry’s kind of cute. I mean…he’d be bad for me. I know that. But…that inner rage…well, that _outer_ rage, I suppose always turns me on. I know he’s…well, to put it crudely…he’s smurfing Smurfette, but I think that he’s just doing it to play the game. Y’know? And there’s a lot of pressure on Smurfs who’re…um…well. Gay. There. I said it. I suspect that’s one of the reason’s Happy Smurf (or as Smurfette put it: “Gay” Smurf. ha. ha. Very mature Smurfette) was…well, we all know what happened to Happy Smurf, regardless of what the inquest said. She hates any Smurf who isn’t smurfing after her like a dog in heat.

I think when this is over, maybe Angry and I can get together. There’s more than just the two of us in the Village. I mean, think about it. There’re 500 young male Smurfs and only ONE woman? C’mon. What do you think goes on inside Blacksmith Smurf’s smithy? Why do you think we have a smithy? We don’t have any horses! We’re too smurfing small to ride horses but it gives some of the more smurfmental types a way to look in the other direction, but it’s time for smurf-ciety to realize that we can be productive members of Smurfdom. It’s time for us to smurf out of the closet. And if anyone disapproves, well, I’m the ONLY Smurf who knows how to build anything. If they say one word, let 'em get Drunken Smurf to try to fix their leaky roof.  
\<thinks for a minute\>  
I don’t trust Smurfette. I’m willing to let Angry win this if it’ll help him with his issues, and Pappy’s no threat but I’ll be smurfed if I let that bitch win. If I can get rid of Smurfette this round and Pappy the next, that means Angry and I can have a week by ourselves. I bet he relaxes without smurfciety’s disapproving glare. But I’ve got to get rid of that smurfing bitch first.\*

\<Cut to Smurfette\>  
Smurfette:\*I’m the only one doing any smurfing work around here. Who has to sweep out the hut? Me. Who had to clean up the mess Pappy made when he tried to skin him? Me. Who had to figure out how to cook Happy when Pappy turned a bunch of prime Smurfsteaks into shredded Smurf with his “patented filleting technique”? Me. Mu-Shu Smurf, Smurfaritos. Sloppy Smurfs. There’s only so much you can do with shredded Smurf.

But I’ve got Angry right where I want him. He’s so hot for me that he can’t see straight and he doesn’t even realize it. All I have to do is smurf him once or twice a week and he’s like putty in my hands. But he scares me a little too. He has all those anger issues. I want him gone. Pappy’s no threat. The only reason he’s still around is that we all know he’s gonna have a heart attack or something, and we all know what that means: more meat!

I don’t know about Handy Smurf. He’s cute, in a burly sort of way but…it’s like he doesn’t even notice me. I don’t know what he’s got in his pants. With all the tools, hammers and saws and stuff he’s got stuck in there, it’s hard to tell. It _looks_ like a yardstick…\<her eyes momentarily glaze as she considers the possibility\> I want to find out, though. He’s much cuter than Angry and if I can get him on my side I can get rid of the only real threat: Angry. \*

\<Voiceover: \* And now, the four remaining Smurfvivors must head towards their second-to-last Smurfvivor challange. After this challenge, one of these four will be off the island.\*\>

\<Long shot of four bedraggled looking Smurfs hiking, single file through a jungle. Angry is hacking at plants as though they personally offended him.\>

\<Cut to: Smarmy Smurf, the MC, who watches them as they arrive\>

\<Cut to: Commercial break, while Fenris’s fingers recover.\>

To be continued…

Fenris

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**Author:** ![Totoro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Totoro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Totoro)\
**Post date:** [February 4, 2001, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/2 "2001-02-04T18:25:47Z")

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Yo, kick Poppa smurf OUT! scary fuck reminds me of richard hatch…

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**Author:** ![Silly\_Rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@Silly\_Rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silly_Rabbit)\
**Post date:** [February 4, 2001, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/3 "2001-02-04T18:36:35Z")

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When you choke a Smurf, what color does he turn?

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**Author:** ![Palmyra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/57b2e6/32.png) [@Palmyra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palmyra)\
**Post date:** [February 4, 2001, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/4 "2001-02-04T18:39:29Z")

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Green

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**Author:** ![SuperNova](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@SuperNova](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuperNova)\
**Post date:** [February 4, 2001, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/5 "2001-02-04T19:47:09Z")

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What happened to Brainy Smurf? Or Lazy Smurf? Or Farmer Smurf? Or Baby Smurf? Or any others I can’t think of? How did Angry Smurf stay while those guys got kicked off? I hate Angry Smurf.

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**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\
**Post date:** [February 4, 2001, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/6 "2001-02-04T20:42:30Z")

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[cue Beach Boys music]

Come on a smurfin’ safari with me…

[/cue Beach Boys music]

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**Author:** ![Fairy\_Princess\_Kitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/df705f/32.png) [@Fairy\_Princess\_Kitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fairy_Princess_Kitty)\
**Post date:** [February 5, 2001, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/7 "2001-02-05T01:59:12Z")

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You’re just leaving us in suspense like that? Get rid of that abusing slutty little Smurfette!

Kitty

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**Author:** ![Totoro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Totoro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Totoro)\
**Post date:** [February 5, 2001, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/8 "2001-02-05T02:28:14Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Silly Rabbit \*  
> \*\*When you choke a Smurf, what color does he turn? \*\*

> [@](#):
>
> _originally posted by Palmyra_  
> \*\* Green\*\*

If you watched your Cartoon Network, you would know that smurfs are really green, you just need to adjust your tv set.

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**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\
**Post date:** [February 5, 2001, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/9 "2001-02-05T03:23:50Z")

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I’ve got a powerpoint slideshow regalling the story of the one day a year Smurfs get to have sex…let me know if any of you want it. It’s…graphic.

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**Author:** ![drewbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drewbert/32/15890_2.png) [@drewbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewbert)\
**Post date:** [February 5, 2001, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/10 "2001-02-05T04:01:18Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Silly Rabbit \*  
> \*\*When you choke a Smurf, what color does he turn? \*\*

> [@](#):
>
> _originally posted by Palmyra_  
> \*\* Green\*\*

And all this time I thought it was the jaundiced smurfs that were green…

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**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\
**Post date:** [February 5, 2001, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/11 "2001-02-05T08:19:31Z")

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Stop being funny! I almost woke my boyfriend up, laughing so hard!

Though what I possibly expected from Smurf-vivor as a thread title, I’ll never know… 🙂

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**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\
**Post date:** [February 5, 2001, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/12 "2001-02-05T12:31:00Z")

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OH MY GOD, NO!#  
THE SMURFS!@$# MAKE THEM GO AWAY@!

AaAaAAaAAaAAAaAAAAAhHHHHHhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!@!#@@$@  
_Mnementh curls up, shaking and twitching, in the fetal position in a corner_

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**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\
**Post date:** [February 5, 2001, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/13 "2001-02-05T14:28:19Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by SuperNova \*  
> \*\*What happened to Brainy Smurf? Or Lazy Smurf? Or Farmer Smurf? Or Baby Smurf? Or any others I can’t think of? How did Angry Smurf stay while those guys got kicked off? I hate Angry Smurf. \*\*

Brainy Smurf made one too many condescending comments and was cut up for chum by Fisherman Smurf.

Baby Smurf was under the age requirements and didn’t go.

Neither did Lazy Smurf. It took too much effort to apply.

Angry Smurf was kept on for several reasons:  
#1) Are **you** gonna be the one to tell him he’s been voted out?!  
#2) That pent-up rage is useful if directed at a specific target: paint Brainy Smurf’s face on a tree and he can chop it down in seconds.  
#3) He’s…useful…for Smurfette to have around. \<ahem\> She’s been supporting him.

Fenris  
(Who kinda likes Angry Smurf, as much as a Smurf can be liked, since he’s the only one to regularly speak out against the Smurf-Hivemind)

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**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\
**Post date:** [February 5, 2001, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/14 "2001-02-05T16:19:43Z")

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_rofl_

Please… don’t quit. Such genius should live. 🙂

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**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\
**Post date:** [February 5, 2001, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/15 "2001-02-05T16:38:48Z")

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Monkey Crunchies are real neat  
Made of bugs, fruit, leaves and meat  
With some milk they’re quite a treat  
You can eat them with your feet!  
Monkey Crunchies!

Kids: If your parents love you, they’ll buy you Monkey Crunchies!  
\<end commercial\>

\<fade in. Long arial shot, with tight zoom into contestants. Smarmy Smurf begins\>

Smarmy Smurf \<smirking\>:_Well as you all know, this is the second to last challenge for immunity. One of you will be safe, while the others will have to choose the next Smurf to be thrown out. Before we go into the challenge, however, let’s talk: With the last bits of Happy Smurf gone, and with Fisherman Smurf long gone, you folks haven’t had any food for days now, right?_

\<Vigorous head-nods from all Smurfs.\>  
Angry Smurf:\* I ate a bug. It tasted ick.\*

Smurfette:_You had a bug! And you didn’t share it?! You bastard._

Angry Smurf \<whining slightly\>: _It was only a little one. And it was crunchy, not juicy or anything. \<getting angry\> And besides, what about that tube of lipstick? I kept my mouth shut but if you’re gonna jump all over my ass, you’ve eaten about half of it and haven’t even offered the rest of us anything._

Smurfette: _It was MY personal lipstick. And I don’t have to share it if I don’t want to._

Angry Smurf \<smugly\>: _Then I shouldn’t have to share my bug. [sub]bitch[/sub]_

Smurfette \<shrieking\>:_What did you call me?! WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!!_

Pappy Smurf \<cackleing\>:_He said you were a bitch. And I agree. Bitch._

Handy Smurf: \*Folks, three of us are going to have to live together after this. Maybe we should just drop it. \*

Smarmy Smurf:\* Dropping things…hmmm…Pappy Smurf. All the other Smurfs think you dropped the ball when you shredded Happy Smurf after the…\<ahem\> incident.\*

Pappy Smurf: _Is that what they think? I shredded him because it’s the best way to eat Smurfflesh. MMMmm-Mmmmm-Good. Shredded Smurf. Why when I was in the Gargamel Wars, we…_

Handy Smurf \<exasperated\>:_…yes, Pappy. We know. You manage to work it into the conversation two or three times a day. “You lived off the land. Many’s the time you would have been happy for a bit of Shredded Smurfflesh”. Yadda yadda yadda…_

Pappy Smurf:\* Why you young whippersmurfer. You’re an ingrate. You don’t care about the sacrifices I made for you…\*

Smurfette \<mimicing Pappy\>: \* “…I made for you and the rest of Smurfkind. I lived in the wilderness for 27 days. My friends were eaten by that damned cat. Sometimes I wonder if it was all worth it…” **Stop repeating yourself you senile old coot!** You’re old and annoying and you smell funny and no-one likes you.\*

Pappy \<smugly\>:_That’s not what you said that one night when you smurfed with me. \<Doing a bad Smurfette impersonation\>“Oh Pappy! I never knew it could be like this!”_

Smurfette \<coldly\>:\*I lied. I was faking. I only slept with you to get you to vote Farmer Smurf out. It was worth it, but only barely. You smelled funny then, too and you couldn’t even smurf it up.

Pappy \<taken aback\>:_I…I…I have a war injury… and…I…was… \<the light dawns\> What do you mean you were faking?_

Smurfette \<sarcastically\>: \*Ohhh…OOOooooOOoh! You’re so _GOOD_ Pappy. Angry can’t measure up to _you_!

Angry \<furious\>:_What th’ Smurf is that crack supposta mean!?_

Handy \<musing aloud\>:_So that’s why she’s been calling you ‘peewee’…[sub]oops…[/sub]_

Angry \<turning on Handy like a weasel\>:_And you… Mister “I’m so Good with My Tools”. Why don’t you go back to Blacksmith Smurf’s Smithy with your own kind._

Smurfette: _What!?_

Handy \<enraged\>: _What do you mean “MY kind”?! I’ve seen you coming out of the Smithy with a smirk on your face!_

Angry \<diffidently\>:_Yeah, but that’s different. I’ve gone to the Smithy once in a while, all Smurfs do, but the difference is that it’s not my lifestyle._

Handy \<Leaps on Angry, knocking him over and begins slamming him into the ground as punctuation to each word\>:\* IT’S! NOT! A! SMURFING! LIFESTYLE! YOU! DAMNED! SMURFOPHOBE!\*

\<several Camerasmurfs run over and pull Handy off of Angry\>

Smarmy \<Happily\>:_Wellll, that was unexpected wasn’t it. But that’s what you get when you watch Smurf-vivor. The unexpected! We’ll be back after this word from our sponsors for the Immunity Challenge!_

\<fade out\>

Fenris (who’d intended to do the challenge, but the story got away from him)

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\
**Post date:** [February 5, 2001, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/16 "2001-02-05T17:21:01Z")

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Dang, this is better than the real series, although I really doubt we’ll be seeing commercials for this on ‘Cartoon Network’ as we did for “The Scooby-Doo Project”.

Type on, oh great Fenris, and keep me laughing through a horrid day at work.

mmmmm, Monkey Crunchies.  
(Sounds like an off-brand of ‘Screaming Yellow Zonkers’)

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**Author:** ![sk8rixtx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/858c86/32.png) [@sk8rixtx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sk8rixtx)\
**Post date:** [February 5, 2001, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/17 "2001-02-05T17:47:05Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Fairy Princess Kitty \*  
> \*\*You’re just leaving us in suspense like that? Get rid of that abusing slutty little Smurfette!
> 
> Kitty \*\*

B…b…but Smurfette’s mah bitch.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\
**Post date:** [February 6, 2001, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/18 "2001-02-06T04:18:03Z")

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Happy Shoes, Happy Feet!  
Foot Jam makes your toes taste Sweet!

\<end commercial\>

\<The sun’s getting low on the horizon, and the bickering continues. Two burly camerasmurfs have interposed themselves in the middle of the contestants. Smarmy is examining his face with a hand mirror. As he notices the camera he hides the mirror behind his back\>

Smarmy: _Fire. Fire is Life, Life is Fire. That has nothing to do with today…tonight’s challenge. But food is also life. And so, for today…tonight’s challenge, let me direct your attention to…_

\<Smarmy Smurf gestures: Off to the side is a pit of water, filled with pirhanas. In the center of the Pirhana lake is a long greased pole. On top of the pole is…Food. Glorious Food. Hot Sausage and Mustard. Cold Jelly and Custard! Peas, Pudding and Sirloin. Ahem. The three male Smurfs give a longing look towards the food as a random breeze wafts the scent over. Smurfette gazes craftily at the other three. Smarmy Smurf walks over to the Pirhana lake\>

Smarmy: _Your challenge is as follows: You must find a way to get to the pole through the lake filled with pirhanas. But not just any pirhana, mind you. These are rabid pirhanas! You must then climb the pole. The first to the top gets the food and the immunity. Since the camerasmurfs seem to want to interfere \<he glares at them\>, we’re airlifting them off the island. I’ll be running the cameras because I’m just that damned good._

\<long shot: Camerasmurfs are loading onto planes. One gives the camera and presumably Smarmy, operating it the classic “cram it” gesture of a fist in the elbow.\>

Smarmy \<back in front of the camera\>:\*We’re about to start, to bring Smurf suffering and misery for your viewing pleasure. But before we start, we need one more ingredient: Blood. For the blood is the Life. And life is blood! \<he pricks his finger and one drop of blood dramatically falls into the pool, which immediatately begins to froth as the rabid fish go into a frenzy.\> On your Smurfs! Get Smurf! Go! \*

\<Handy immediately turns from the group and runs into the nearby woods\>

Smurfette: _Wimp._

\<Angry and Pappy stand by the side of the lake, looking dubiously at the water. Smurfette, standing on the other side of Pappy, slips behind him and gives him a hearty shove. He flails momentarily, and with a shriek of “Oh Smurf!” he tumbles headlong into the water which becomes a pink and blue geyser\>

Smurfette \<to Angry\>: _Come ON! Quick while the fish are distracted! Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you?_

\<She drags Angry to the otheer side of the pond and she dives in.\>

Smurfette:_We’ve got to hurry! They won’t be distracted for long! Come ON!_

\<She begins to swim to the pole. Angry quickly follows her, punching the occasion stray pirhana and cursing a blue streak.\>

Smarmy Smurf: _Isn’t this smurfy, folks? THIS is what real life is all about, as you sit at home in your cozy smurf homes, think about the raw, visceral drama going on as Smurf struggles against Smurf and nature. THIS is what it’s all about._

\<Smurfette and Angry get to the pole.\>

Smurfette \<imperiously\>:_Well? Help me up!_

\<Angry begins shoving Smurfette up the pole, while trying to climb himself. He only seems to have raw anger to drive him. Smurfette, at the top of the pole tries to reach around to the edge of the platform. Her arms are a trifle too short. Angry climbs over her and onto the platform. He begins to help her up when a high pitched shriek can be heard.\>

\<Camera frantically refocuses and tries to track the noise. At the edge of the jungle, a catapult has been built, apparently by Handy Smurf. The camera just barely catches a last glimpse of Handy hurtling through the air. He seems to have miscaluclated a hair. He’s hanging from the platform edge by one hand. The force of his impact has also dislodged Smurfette who’s also hanging from one hand from the other edge of the platform\>

{Fenris debates a literal cliff-hanger ending…but decides against it}

Smurfette \<shrieks\>:_Well help me up, you dumb ox! NOW!_

Angry: _Shut up, bitch. I’m thinking_

Smurfette \<icky-coyness dripping from every syllable\>:_Angry, if you pull me up, we can…YOU know…smurf._

Handy: _Angry, what do you think’ll happen to you after you’re not useful to her anymore?_

Smurfette \<syrupy sweetness dripping from her voice, butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth\>: _You’re soooo wonderful, Angry, I’ll ALWAYS want you around. But hurry! I can’t hold on much longer!_

Handy: _Me either. You’ll have to decide now! But think about this: Given what she had to do to get to the pole, how do you think she intends to get_ back?

\<Angry, who may have temper issues, is no fool. He walks over to Handy nad helps him up. Smurfette falls shrieking. There’s a splash, a shriek as the rabid pirhanas feast and silence\>

Handy: Let’s get down from here

\<he unwinds a rope he’s woven out of vines from his waist and lassos a tree across the lake. They take the food basket and slide it down. They both follow.\>

Smarmy \<enraged\>:_What the SMURF was that?! You think the audience wants to see you COOPERATE!? No! They want to see the backstabbing that is an essential part of Smurf nature. The raw insmurfanity that lurks beneath the civilized veneer of Smurfdom. The…_

Handy: Angry, you know what would be better than all that human food we’ve got?

Angry \<smiles for the first time since the show began. It’s not a _nice_ smile, mind you, but it\* is _a smile\>: Yeah! Let’s do it._

\<They both turn towards Smarmy Smurf, and…\>

\<Camera falls to the ground. Sounds of unimaginable violence.\>

\<Later the camera is righted and pointed towards a fire, with a suspicious looking roast being turned on a spit by Handy.\>

Angry \<walking back after picking up the camera\>\* MMMmm. That sure smells smurfing good.\*

Handy \<snickering slightly\>:_Yeah. His finest moment. Who said that Smarmy was tasteless? A bit unseasoned, maybe. Pass the salt._

Angry \<tiny hint of uncertanty in his voice\>:_Soooo…what the smurf are we gonna do until we’re rescued?_

Handy \< just the barest [sub]hint[/sub] of a smirk in his voice\>:_I don’t know. I’m sure we can think of SOMEthing…_

\<Fade to black\>

Fenris (who hadn’t planned this ending, but…it just sort of happened this way.)

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\
**Post date:** [February 6, 2001, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/19 "2001-02-06T06:36:35Z")

</div>

**Fenris** , you rock!

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\
**Post date:** [February 6, 2001, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/smurf-vivor/53113/20 "2001-02-06T14:46:42Z")

</div>

> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by thinksnow \*  
> \*\*I’ve got a powerpoint slideshow regalling the story of the one day a year Smurfs get to have sex…let me know if any of you want it. It’s…graphic. \*\*

Yup. Hit me. 😃

**Fenris** , this kicks ass. You sure have a way with words. Smurfin’ awesome!

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