# Snake Eyes vs. Jack Bauer **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 3, 2011, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547 "2011-05-03T04:36:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/1 "2011-05-03T04:36:00Z")
You know the drill. Who wins? ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Credible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a8b319/32.png) [@Justin\_Credible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Credible)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/2 "2011-05-03T05:18:10Z")
Snake Eyes, easily. Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris together wouldn’t stand a chance against him. ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/3 "2011-05-03T05:51:18Z")
Ding Chavez. ---
**Author:** ![Reverse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@Reverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reverse)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 8:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/4 "2011-05-03T08:39:06Z")
Snake Eyes is a ninja. Jack Bauer is neither a ninja nor a pirate. He doesn’t stand a chance. ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 10:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/5 "2011-05-03T10:49:45Z")
You must remember that Jack Bauer is the anti-Batman. He’ll lose if he’s prepared, but he’ll _always_ win if he’s caught flatfooted or winging it. Since ninja tend to use ambush tactics, that plays into Bauer’s hands. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/6 "2011-05-03T13:30:44Z")
I daresay that Jack Bauer would win in a karaoke contest. ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/7 "2011-05-03T16:27:02Z")
Snake Eyes. Even before he was an overblown, overexposed super ninja, he had the most dangerous foot in the US Military. Look at his [filecard](http://yojoe.com/filecard/82/snakeeyes.shtml), _12 different unarmed fighting systems_, edged weapons, mountaineering, arctic, and desert survival. What does Bauer have? the ability to yell that he has less than 24 hours to do something? ---
**Author:** ![Finagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@Finagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finagle)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/8 "2011-05-03T16:36:26Z")
> [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](#): > > Look at his [filecard](http://yojoe.com/filecard/82/snakeeyes.shtml), _12 different unarmed fighting systems_, edged weapons, mountaineering, arctic, and desert survival. What does Bauer have? the ability to yell that he has less than 24 hours to do something? I’m going to go with Jack. He’s deadly with a pistol which nullifies a lot of those unarmed fighting systems. And you can tie him to a chair and beat him half to death and he’ll still rip out your throat with his teeth and then put in a full day at the office hunting bad guys. ---
**Author:** ![panamajack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/47e85d/32.png) [@panamajack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panamajack)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/9 "2011-05-03T16:41:52Z")
Nicolas Cage. It’s fight night! ---
**Author:** ![Merijeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Merijeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merijeek)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/10 "2011-05-03T16:42:34Z")
Can we all at least agree that, were they teamed up, Snake Eyes would definitely be coming home in a body bag? -Joe ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/11 "2011-05-03T16:43:57Z")
Snake Eyes. The hero always defeats the villain. ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/12 "2011-05-03T16:52:24Z")
> [@Finagle](#): > > I’m going to go with Jack. He’s deadly with a pistol which nullifies a lot of those unarmed fighting systems. And you can tie him to a chair and beat him half to death and he’ll still rip out your throat with his teeth and then put in a full day at the office hunting bad guys. I’ll see your pistol and raise you all [NATO and Warsaw Pact small arms](http://yojoe.com/filecard/85/snakeeyes2.shtml). Plus the dude’s got a pet wolf. A pet frickin’ wolf! What does bauer have? An annoying daughter who gets trapped by mountain lions and hillbillies with bomb shelters. ---
**Author:** ![Merijeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Merijeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merijeek)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/13 "2011-05-03T18:05:09Z")
> [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](#): > > I’ll see your pistol and raise you all [NATO and Warsaw Pact small arms](http://yojoe.com/filecard/85/snakeeyes2.shtml). Plus the dude’s got a pet wolf. A pet frickin’ wolf! What does bauer have? An annoying daughter who gets trapped by mountain lions and hillbillies with bomb shelters. Well, Jack also has a hacker so skilled she could probably use a computer to make Snake Eyes’s sword jam. Plus an infinite supply of bullet-catching nonamers. -Joe ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/14 "2011-05-03T18:26:16Z")
> [@Merijeek](#): > > Well, Jack also has a hacker so skilled she could probably use a computer to make Snake Eyes’s sword jam. Plus an infinite supply of bullet-catching nonamers. > > -Joe Snake Eyes beat Firefly and his unstopable Scorpion Formation. You can’t top that shizitinit. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/15 "2011-05-03T18:26:19Z")
One thing for sure, Jack’ll never make him talk. ---
**Author:** ![TBG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c89c15/32.png) [@TBG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TBG)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/16 "2011-05-03T23:44:06Z")
> [@Bryan\_Ekers](#): > > One thing for sure, Jack’ll never make him talk. I lol’d 😃 Of course, if the Snake Eyes came from the cartoon continuity, Jack might come out on top. Did that version ever do anything notable other than dress up like Boy George and dance around with Shipwreck? They even gave his rivalry with Storm Shadow to freakin Spirit. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Q](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/898d66/32.png) [@Johnny\_Q](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Q)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/17 "2011-05-03T23:51:14Z")
> [@Reverse](#): > > Snake Eyes is a ninja. Jack Bauer is neither a ninja nor a pirate. He doesn’t stand a chance. But he has come back from the dead a couple times. Could he possibly get some Zombie mojo from that? ---
**Author:** ![Reverse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@Reverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reverse)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snake-eyes-vs-jack-bauer/580547/18 "2011-05-04T05:54:23Z")
> [@Johnny\_Q](#): > > But he has come back from the dead a couple times. Could he possibly get some Zombie mojo from that? Well, traditionally zombies haven’t been able to do much against ninjas, so it wouldn’t help him all that much. Someone mentioned Jack’s computer genius sidekick, which makes me think that Jack might actually have a shot. As everyone knows, pirates are ninjas’ most formidable foes. What she could do is re-route all the Internets (all of them!) to Bit Torrent, which would significantly reduce Snake Eyes’ power level and give Jack a fighting chance.