# Snappy answers to rude questions. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 18, 2005, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103 "2005-03-18T03:32:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Scribble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scribble/32/3317_2.png) [@Scribble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scribble)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/1 "2005-03-18T03:32:12Z")
This thread is inspired by the “Rude Questions” discussion going on in either IMHO or MPSIMS (no, I don’t remember which forum it’s in, and I’m feeling too lazy to look it up and link to it here.) With the immense pool of wit and savvy that the Teeming Millions possess, I’m sure we can come up with a good quip in response to lots of rude questions. Especially the most frequently encountered rude questions. One of my favorite clever comebacks to a rude question is: Rude questioner: Why are you single? Sharp responder: Well, I can’t help it. I was born that way. So what are your favorite responses to impertinent, inconsiderate, or generally impolite inquiries? ---
**Author:** ![DooWahDiddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9bcb4/32.png) [@DooWahDiddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DooWahDiddy)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/2 "2005-03-18T03:39:01Z")
Your mom. ---
**Author:** ![anu-la1979](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/47e85d/32.png) [@anu-la1979](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anu-la1979)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/3 "2005-03-18T03:43:11Z")
“I don’t know, why don’t you expound at length upon it? I’m always looking for unsolicited advice.” ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/4 "2005-03-18T03:54:20Z")
Question: Why do you keep telling me to do this?/Why do you repeat yourself? Answer: I would not have to repeat myself if I was confident of your intelligence. Question: Do you know my taxes pay your salary? Answer: Then you should stop being so damn cheap. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/5 "2005-03-18T07:33:31Z")
Q: Can I ask you a question? A: You just did. [walking away] Q: Can I ask you about something? A: \ [then walk away] Q: Do you work here? A:[Whispering] See that guy over there? Did you notice that he’s got blood all over that tool he’s carrying? I think I saw him on an FBI wanted poster in the post office last week. They say he’s pretty dangerous…and you really wanna know something really weird? He’s got a nametag on his uniform…he actually works here! He’s the only employee I found here since I walked in…we’ll I gotta go…store’s closing…[walk away] [On employee verification] Verifying Party: What’s the employee’s probability of continued employment? Me: Normal. ---
**Author:** ![emekthian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ecae2f/32.png) [@emekthian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emekthian)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/6 "2005-03-18T12:58:03Z")
RQ: How big is your cup size SA: Oh, I’m actually a dude. I’m just really fat. ---
**Author:** ![Chairman\_Pow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/838e76/32.png) [@Chairman\_Pow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chairman_Pow)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/7 "2005-03-18T13:33:31Z")
Here’s one I actually used once: “Are you in a cult or something?” “No, but I fucked your mom.” Didn’t go over too well with the other person in this case (nor do I ever imagine it working well), but it has many, many applications. I’d just advise the potential user to be aware of the consequences and prepare accordingly. ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/8 "2005-03-18T14:10:26Z")
Anybody ever read [this](http://www.collectmad.com/britishcovers/snap1.htm)? Could be just what you’re looking for! I recommend it, it’s quite funny - and there are many sequels. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/9 "2005-03-18T14:48:28Z")
Do you always ask stupid questions or are you just being particularly stupid today? Sorta like “when did you stop beating your wife?” there’s no good answer to that one. I really like the idea of confalting rudeness with stupidity. Really, a rude question arises from either a lack of ability to think of how the recipeint will respond, or a lack of inclination to be concerned about how the recipeint will respond. One is stupidity, the other is laziness and/or selfishness. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/10 "2005-03-18T15:25:23Z")
Q: Why so you always give smart answers? A: To counteract stupid questions. Q: You know that you gat a real smart mouth? A: It only seems smart by comparison. ---
**Author:** ![Sean\_Factotum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Sean\_Factotum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sean_Factotum)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/11 "2005-03-18T15:28:48Z")
To any comment about how doing something (smoking, drinking, eating fried food, whatever) is dangerous to one’s health, I reply, “So is giving opinions when you’re not asked for them.” ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/12 "2005-03-18T15:34:10Z")
I KILL you idiot. Fucking dead. Totally. ---
**Author:** ![yellowval](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/919ad9/32.png) [@yellowval](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowval)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/13 "2005-03-18T15:37:20Z")
I have several for procreation related questions that I use all the time. These are my two favorites: Q: Why don’t you want to have children? A: I have no desire to be responsible for bringing the anti-Christ into the world. Q: When are you going to have children? A: You know, every time someone asks me that, I add another month to the time I’m going to wait before getting pregnant. As of right now … let me see … uh, about 76 years from now. ---
**Author:** ![yellowval](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/919ad9/32.png) [@yellowval](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowval)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/14 "2005-03-18T15:39:10Z")
> [@Sean Factotum](#): > > To any comment about how doing something (smoking, drinking, eating fried food, whatever) is dangerous to one’s health, I reply, “So is giving opinions when you’re not asked for them.” Oh, that reminds me! Every time someone makes a comment to me about smoking, how I should quit, or whatever, I say, “I know, I just don’t have the balls to kill myself any other way.” ---
**Author:** ![sweetfreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@sweetfreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sweetfreak)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/15 "2005-03-18T15:43:29Z")
> [@yellowval](#): > > I have several for procreation related questions that I use all the time. These are my two favorites: > > Q: Why don’t you want to have children? > A: I have no desire to be responsible for bringing the anti-Christ into the world. 😃😃 My response is “You really don’t want _my_ evil spawn populating the world. Do you? Well, _do you?_” Then I cackle. Funny how it always seems to leave them speechless. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/16 "2005-03-18T15:49:46Z")
A: I burning your dog. Actually, I usually just give a long, blank look and then say, “I’m sorry, what did you say?” I say that often enough anyway that no one who knows me would call me on it. From others I’ve heard: “Thank you for your concern.” (Sometimes with, “but we’re going to . . .”) and “I can’t imagine why you’d want to know that.” ---
**Author:** ![Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hey_It_s_That_Guy)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/17 "2005-03-18T16:09:02Z")
Answer: “Oh sure, I read all about your very question in the latest issue of WHO CARES? magazine.” ---
**Author:** ![Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hey_It_s_That_Guy)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/18 "2005-03-18T16:10:48Z")
Or you can respond very quickly: “Oh yeah? Well let me ask YOU a question. What do you prefer to listen to, tapes or CDs?” They will be momentarily befuddled, and then almost inevitably say “CDs.” To which you reply “SEE DEEZ NUTS!” and walk away triumphantly. ---
**Author:** ![irishgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@irishgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irishgirl)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/19 "2005-03-18T16:11:36Z")
No snappy comebacks, just icy politeness and turning the question around so that they’re the one who looks nosy and rude. Typical exchange: Them: “Where are you from?” Me: “Belfast” Them:“Where are you _really_ from?” Me: “What exactly is it that makes you think I couldn’t have been born in Belfast?” Them: “umm, you don’t look very…um, you seem a little…um, nothing.” Them: “So, why are you getting married so young?” Me: “We love each other and want to make a commitment to each other.” Them: “Why not wait? Is there a reason you chose now?” Me: “Is there another reason you think we might have?” Them: “Um, I thought you might be…no, I don’t suppose there is.” Make them ashamed of their rudeness, not angry towards you. ---
**Author:** ![sweetfreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@sweetfreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sweetfreak)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103/20 "2005-03-18T16:44:49Z")
Random non-smoker: Why do you smoke? Me: To annoy you. Random non-smoker: No, really…why do you smoke? Don’t you know that it’s bad for your health? Me: Why…NO! I didn’t know that. Thanks for enlightening me. All this time, I thought I was doing something good for my health. :rolleyes: Random non-smoker: So, if you know that smoking is bad for you, why do you do it? Me: As I said, to annoy you. Random non-smoker: I give up. You evidently don’t want my help or advice, so I will trouble you no more as I can’t stand the stink of your cigarette._walks away in a huff_ Me: Now\* there \* is the reason why I smoke. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snappy-answers-to-rude-questions/295103.md?page=2)