# "Snoop, spy, and eavesdrop on your teens" **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 17, 2010, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316 "2010-02-17T11:55:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/41 "2010-02-17T23:30:10Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > Well, you can certainly _try_. And if you can hide it from me, you have a better than average chance of getting away with it altogether. > > The difficulty is that most people think they are committing the Perfect Crime. Even as they forget to delete their browser history. IIRC it was hotpaintballbabes dot com or something, that was downloading viruses to his laptop. The only thing that bothered me was that he was at least as interested in the paintball as he was in the babes. > > Regards, > Shodan At least you know your son has the good sense to multitask- some folks never learn that valuable skill. ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/42 "2010-02-17T23:53:46Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > First rule of parenting - your children are doing things you don’t think they’re doing. > Second rule - they’re successfully hiding things from you. Corollary: Not everything that you (the child) think that you have hidden from us (the parents) has actually been hidden. It’s just that sometimes we don’t need to tell you everything we know, and sometimes its better to pick our battles with you. Plus, the greater the distance between how clever you think you are and how clever you really are compared to us makes it more likely for you to get complacent, so that we can learn when the stuff we really need to intervene with happens.\* \*That is one long, run-on sentence, and I hope it made some sense. ---
**Author:** ![KarlGauss](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karlgauss/32/3713_2.png) [@KarlGauss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGauss)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/43 "2010-02-18T02:11:33Z")
> [@Ravenman](#): > > And I’m guessing the comic made this gem: [youtoob.](http://www.youtube.com/user/mattrittberg#p/a/u/2/HE4F7s7cxYs) _shudder_ OMG!:eek:! That is brutal. If they used it in Gitmo, we’d have got Bin Laden years ago. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/44 "2010-02-18T02:38:00Z")
My parents always used a sort of law enforcement analogy with me and privacy. It was sort of like **Bricker’s** feeling combined with some of the other ones. Their stance was basically that they reserve the right to search or snoop when they choose, but that any searching would be with cause, and not capricious. In other words, if I didn’t give them any reason to search my shit or snoop, then they wouldn’t do so. Basically they trusted me to act as an adult, but if they’d have thought I was doing stuff that would get me or them in trouble, they would intervene. In practical terms this meant that I had to keep a tight lid on anything sketchy I might have been doing, if I didn’t want to have them checking up on me and losing that trust that had developed. If they’d have smelled booze, then it would have been probable cause… smelling like doobie would have also been that way. We didn’t have the internet, so there were no worries there, and my parents didn’t know how to use my computer anyway, so anything I downloaded off a BBS was pretty much safe. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/45 "2010-02-18T03:12:35Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > As a custodial parent who pays for the e-mail service, test messages, and shower water that the kid is using, I have every right in the world to do that and more if I feel it’s warranted. I bet your “payment = authority” attitude will change if at some point in the future you find yourself sick, elderly, and dependent on your children in your infirmity to take care of you. If you do need help in the future, you’d best hope your children haven’t inherited your attitude. My stepmother DID have the search-the-room-and-spy attitude; if she ever needs help of any kind, she can rot and die. She’ll be my enemy until she’s dead. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/46 "2010-02-18T03:21:34Z")
> [@bump](#): > > We didn’t have the internet, so there were no worries there, and my parents didn’t know how to use my computer anyway, so anything I downloaded off a BBS was pretty much safe. So they never discovered your ASCII porn? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/47 "2010-02-18T15:27:21Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > I bet your “payment = authority” attitude will change if at some point in the future you find yourself sick, elderly, and dependent on your children in your infirmity to take care of you. If you do need help in the future, you’d best hope your children haven’t inherited your attitude. > > My stepmother DID have the search-the-room-and-spy attitude; if she ever needs help of any kind, she can rot and die. She’ll be my enemy until she’s dead. Like Bricker, I believe I had the right to do search, and retain that right as long as my _children_ may live with me. In my case, I rarely found a need to do so for my daughter, and a little more frequently with my son. I’m also caring of sick and elderly dependents at the same time in the same house. Privacy isn’t an issue there (well, my privacy is, but that isn’t what this is about). The only thing my FiL tries to sneak are sugary snacks. If I were given his dietary restrictions, coupled with my love of food, I might choose to die with a full belly and a pleased palate. I hope I never have to make that choice. ---
**Author:** ![MissTake](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misstake/32/3189_2.png) [@MissTake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissTake)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/48 "2010-02-18T16:35:00Z")
My parents snooped, and were very obvious about it. When I was 14, I remember coming home to find all the contents of my purse splayed on my bed. They left the cigarettes, but took the lighter and matches. That same day every pack of matches in the house disappeared. They would quiz me on movies I claimed to go see (but didn’t, preferring to hang out with my bf, who they did not like). However, not once was I grounded or ‘talked to’ about my breaking the rules. My mom figured I was maintaining great grades and handling all my out of school obligations. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized the reason why we moved to the 'burbs when I was 14 was entirely due to my bad behavior. The rules I have for TheKid are pretty simple - if she leaves notes in the common areas or in pockets when I do laundry, I can read them. Her room is her domain, I knock before entering, and will not go through it unless I have a valid reason and I will tell her why. So far I’ve done that once, due to drug use and a close friendship with a major dealer in her school. I told her that it’s _my_ house and I don’t want illegal substances that could cause me problems in it. If she chooses to be a moron and engage in illegal activities, don’t do it in my house. We have a decent enough relationship where she will usually come to me if she has problems. Even if she doesn’t come to me, I always find out anyways. She’s saran wrap. WRT “I pay for it”, we do have some of that. I pay for her cell phone. The few times she has been grounded that’s been the first thing to go. Not because I paid for it, but because it’s a privilege. She likes to toss her $200 lettermans jacket on the ground. I grouse because I gave up some Saturdays for overtime to be able to afford it and it does not belong on the floor, becoming a kitty sleeping bag. With the way my parents handled it, I look back and wonder why they never said anything. When I asked my Mom that, she replied “Would that have changed what you were doing?” Probably not. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/49 "2010-02-18T16:35:00Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > As a custodial parent who pays for the e-mail service, test messages, and shower water that the kid is using, I have every right in the world to do that and more if I feel it’s warranted. > > I think doing so on an ordinary, on-going basis, without any specific reason to harbor suspicions, is truly poor parenting. I agree with this to the extent that you have the right to do this stuff. I think basing it on ability to pay is a bad idea, though. **Shodan’s** _I am your father_ thing works better and isn’t subject to, “fine, I’ll get a job! I hate you!” rebuttals. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/50 "2010-02-18T16:59:57Z")
I think\*\* Anaamika\*\* and I had the same parents (except I believe we’re totally different ethnicities 😉 )… I was also that A/B student, involved in extracurriculars, had a part time job after school, faithfully attended mormon Seminary Monday-Friday at 5:00 a.m. before school… I was a good MORMON kid. And yet, the parental units still operated from a don’t-trust-unless-there’s-a-damn-good-reason-to philosophy of parenting. In some ways, I’m very grateful for the adversarial relationship where I was treated like a convicted criminal before I’d even _thought_ of doing anything I shouldn’t. It taught me to hate and despise my parents, so I got out of the house as fast as I could… and that meant I went off to college at 17 on scholarship and never looked back. I learned to protect my independence fiercely. I learned to never ask for help, even if I needed it. And I learned to be a much better liar after getting caught once or twice. I actually got up to no good after getting in trouble a few times because my attitude was, “Hey, if I’m going to be accused and punished and the true story isn’t bought, then I might as well be guilty of the crime they’re going to punish me for anyway.” Sometimes I was guilty of one thing they didn’t know about, but they’d punish me for something else that I hadn’t actually done (they just thought I had). I figured it all worked out even in the end. Sometimes, they _still_ don’t believe me when they ask me a question and don’t like the answer. ---
**Author:** ![dhkendall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9adbd/32.png) [@dhkendall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dhkendall)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/51 "2010-02-18T17:03:06Z")
I look at it this way: I am a grown adult, with freedom and responsibilites (ie more as my kids have/will have (my kids are currently 5 and 7, so all this talk in my post is hypothetical for now)) and yet I have laws that I have to abide under, namely the police. I’m a proper, law abiding citizen, and thus have “earned the trust” of the police. I doubt they’re watching me, monitoring me, spying on me, etc. However,t hey also have the right to check on me every once in a while even when I’m doing all right, ie random pull overs on the highway. (I actually got a ticket in one of those, and it was fluke on the cop’s part, he didn’t know my license was expired (nor did I) when he pulled me over). So, even if you’re a “good kid”, I can check up on you every once in a while, but not that often if you’ve earned my trust. If you start acting suspicious (like how **jonesj2205** describes in post 10 of this thread) you can expect me to behave like the cops would if they suddenly find me acting suspicious. ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/52 "2010-02-18T17:30:33Z")
> [@drachillix](#): > > Of course they are doing things we don’t want to know about. It fell on deaf ears when my 15 year old stepdaughter was lecturing me on her privacy when a 5 min search turned up 4 40oz beer bottles one half full, half a dozen used condoms, and 8 porno movies. > > The search was prompted by finding the dog chewing on a used condom. Oooh, I’ve got a stepdaughter like that. Same age, too. Its a nightmare, quite frankly. Smokes pot, has sex, sneaks out, drinks, is mean to her brothers, has a really bad case of “I don’t care”, etc ---
**Author:** ![KarlGauss](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karlgauss/32/3713_2.png) [@KarlGauss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGauss)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/53 "2010-02-18T17:57:27Z")
> [@dhkendall](#): > > I’m a proper, law abiding citizen, and thus have “earned the trust” of the police. I doubt they’re watching me, monitoring me, spying on me, etc. However,t hey also have the right to check on me every once in a while even when I’m doing all right, ie random pull overs on the highway. I bet you’d feel differently if the police came into your home while you were out, went through all your most private stuff, etc., because they “have the right to check on (you)”. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/54 "2010-02-18T18:00:52Z")
> [@drachillix](#): > > Of course they are doing things we don’t want to know about. It fell on deaf ears when my 15 year old stepdaughter was lecturing me on her privacy when a 5 min search turned up 4 40oz beer bottles one half full, half a dozen used condoms, and 8 porno movies. That’s terrible. She wasted 80 ounces of beer. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/55 "2010-02-18T18:01:51Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > And you do not have the right to remain silent, there is no exclusionary rule, I am judge, jury, and executioner, and don’t take that tone with me, young man - I used to change your diaper. Someday, he’ll be changing yours! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![guizot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guizot/32/3636_2.png) [@guizot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/guizot)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/56 "2010-02-18T18:37:38Z")
> [@Rhythmdvl](#): > > There is no spectrum from youth to maturity in which development of identity overrides absolute authority over your kids’ privacy? This is a pretty profound question, I think, because of the larger cultural questions. Some cultures don’t really even have the concept of “teenager” or " adolescent." People just go from child to adult. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/57 "2010-02-18T18:56:01Z")
> [@KarlGauss](#): > > I bet you’d feel differently if the police came into your home while you were out, went through all your most private stuff, etc., because they “have the right to check on (you)”. Bad analogy. My kids are in MY home. I’ll look wherever I want in MY home. They don’t have any rght to privacy in MY home. They don’t have any private property either. All their stuff is MY stuff. Having said that, it’s not healthy to leave them without a bubble of _provisional_ privacy. Let them have their space. Give them a measure of trust and independence. I’m not saying go through their purses every day, or open their drawers, but _reserve the right_. Trust should be earned, not automatic. ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/58 "2010-02-18T18:58:27Z")
> [@KarlGauss](#): > > I bet you’d feel differently if the police came into your home while you were out, went through all your most private stuff, etc., because they “have the right to check on (you)”. Well, except for the small fact that…they _don’t have that right_. Parents _do_. Doesn’t mean they should. As others have pointed out, its situational. But it is the right of the parent to do so. ETA: Curses, foiled again! ---
**Author:** ![dhkendall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9adbd/32.png) [@dhkendall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dhkendall)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/59 "2010-02-18T19:01:14Z")
> [@KarlGauss](#): > > I bet you’d feel differently if the police came into your home while you were out, went through all your most private stuff, etc., because they “have the right to check on (you)”. You Americans are protected from that by something called “freedom from unreasonable search and seizure”, it’s in your constitution. There’s the “unreasonable” part; since I’m a law-abiding citizen, searching me would be unreasonable. Doing it to a known baddie, they have every reason in the world to. And this is my point, if my kids are behaving lawfully and not acting suspicious when I’m around, I dont’ have a reason to do that. ---
**Author:** ![KarlGauss](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karlgauss/32/3713_2.png) [@KarlGauss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGauss)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316/60 "2010-02-18T20:02:56Z")
> [@dhkendall](#): > > And this is my point, if my kids are behaving lawfully and not acting suspicious when I’m around, I dont’ have a reason to do that. Except you implied in your second-last post that you’d search them and their stuff even when you don’t have a reason, but “not that often”: > [@dhkendall](#): > > So, even if you’re a “good kid”, I can check up on you every once in a while, but not that often if you’ve earned my trust. Which is it? Do you need a reason or not? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/snoop-spy-and-eavesdrop-on-your-teens/529316.md?page=4)