# So another girl turned me down after I asked her out. Wanna help me get over it? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 4, 2013, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512 "2013-12-04T21:14:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2013, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/41 "2013-12-05T22:19:10Z")
The answer is simple: stop trying. Works for me ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2013, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/42 "2013-12-05T22:38:13Z")
> [@Jragon](#): > > I’m undateable. My ex always told me one of the biggest reasons she liked me is that I was so unattractive in every way there’d never be any competition for me, both in the sense that I wasn’t interesting or smart enough to get friends or a good long-hours job and be able to ignore her, and especially that nobody else would ever want to date me. And that made her feel safe and happy. You should tell her that you could never be with someone with such low self esteem that they would date someone for that reason. > [@Jragon](#): > > We broke up over a year ago, and when we did I had to accept that my potential pool (of not just dating, but also friends) is 0. There’s not even a point trying. After all, if somebody who \*\*loved \*\*me said that, how much worse must everyone else think of me? I do not think that word means what you think it means. ---
**Author:** ![psychobunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/54ee81/32.png) [@psychobunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychobunny)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2013, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/43 "2013-12-05T22:48:23Z")
For the OP-have you considered cutting down on the tacos? ---
**Author:** ![nivlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@nivlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nivlac)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2013, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/44 "2013-12-06T02:40:26Z")
> [@dnooman](#): > > I tell my friends “You can’t get a run if you don’t swing”. I hope your friend finds better advice. You mean “You can’t get a hit if you don’t swing.” You can definitely drive in a run without taking the bat off your shoulders, such as by walking or getting hit by a pitch to force in a run. Or maybe you meant “You can’t get a home run if you don’t swing.” To the OP, you’re young so these rejections sting more than they should. The best attitude is to just keep on trying and you’ll get your share of successes. Worst approach is to give up. ---
**Author:** ![Learjeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/94ad74/32.png) [@Learjeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Learjeff)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2013, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/45 "2013-12-06T03:35:17Z")
Tacos, that’s about the best possible turn-down you can get. It means you made a good choice, and nearly got a hit, so keep trying! Fear is the mind killer. You’ve read Dune, right? It’s true, especially for dating. I wasted a lot of good years of my youth being a chicken-shit, and of all my regrets, that’s one of the biggest. So, make a sport of trying, and handling the refusals. It can get easier. More importantly, just go out and do stuff and have fun doing things where you’ll meet people. Most likely, like me, you’re not good with “the approach.” So minimize that weakness by being where you can meet lots of people and get to know them and then just say hey would you like to go out? Or whatever people your age say these days. But meanwhile, just go out and do stuff and HAVE A GOOD TIME. For people with real self-image problems, another approach is Second Life, where you can meet lots of people and nobody can read your body language. You can learn a lot and meet interesting people. The problem with this is that it’s (mostly) a substitute for real relationships. But for someone who’s given up, it’s better than giving up. I don’t do it any more, but if anyone wants tips on how to get off on the right foot, ask, or PM, or open a new thread. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2013, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/46 "2013-12-06T11:07:41Z")
> [@Learjeff](#): > > Tacos, that’s about the best possible turn-down you can get. With respect, I would place it after “no thank you, but would you like a consolation blowjob?” ---
**Author:** ![2ManyTacos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/2/3da27b/32.png) [@2ManyTacos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/2ManyTacos)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2013, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/47 "2013-12-06T14:44:48Z")
I appreciate all of the responses, guys, and some of the advice from folks like **LearJeff** is surely appreciated. The thing about this particular girl/woman (somebody brought up that I used the term “girl” instead of “woman” in the OP but I always thought that the words were interchangeable in this sense - she is a 21 year old female FWIW) is that I’d _thought_ that she’d been dropping all sorts of clues at me throughout this entire semester (I share a couple of classes with her), so I figured it was aces for me to go ahead and request a date. Basically, this means that either (a) I’m terrible when it comes to misunderstanding kindness for flirtatious advances or (b) the _woman_ in question was just being playfully flirtatious to begin with, given that she already probably has an SO. Some mixture of the two is probably the most likely reality, though. In any case, I’d built up some level of rapport with her before I asked her out. When it comes to this sort of thing in general, I’m usually uneasy about going up to random women and asking for a date; I mean, I just feel as if that sort of approach will come off as _creepy_, but it sounds like that’s the exact sort of behavior that I need to evade. And yeah, the rejection sucks, and I really hope that my interpretation of it in the OP is something close to what it actually is, otherwise I’d be beating myself up over it even more. In general, I’d say that I’m somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between shy-as-Hell and Superman when it comes to approaching women. I mean, I’m not a wallflower - otherwise I’d never get up the nerve to ask ANYBODY out - but I’m always a bit reticent to make these sorts of moves because the rejection just embarrasses the Hell out of me. One thing that’s really bothering me, though - and maybe some of the other more experienced members of the Dope can speak to this - is the idea that I’ve been confronting lately that EVERY DAMN WOMAN my age is already in a relationship with another guy/girl/whatever. I swear, every woman I talk to at my college always seems to be involved already with an SO, and it’s becoming incredibly frustrating to me that I’m seemingly incapable of figuring out where on earth I can find _single_ women in their early-mid 20’s. ---
**Author:** ![JerrySTL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e274bd/32.png) [@JerrySTL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JerrySTL)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2013, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/48 "2013-12-06T15:05:45Z")
> [@2ManyTacos](#): > > One thing that’s really bothering me, though - and maybe some of the other more experienced members of the Dope can speak to this - is the idea that I’ve been confronting lately that EVERY DAMN WOMAN my age is already in a relationship with another guy/girl/whatever. I swear, every woman I talk to at my college always seems to be involved already with an SO, and it’s becoming incredibly frustrating to me that I’m seemingly incapable of figuring out where on earth I can find _single_ women in their early-mid 20’s. Well you could start dating older women - AKA cougars. Or younger but don’t dip below 18 YO. 😃 One thing I noticed is that college seems to be the center of your world. While it may seem to be now, in reality there’s a much larger world out there. I first met my wife when we were co-workers but we didn’t date. It wasn’t until a couple of years later that we met again and started dating. To use the old ‘fish in the sea’ analogy again, cast a wider net to catch more fish. Also do you have any male friends who are actively dating or in committed relationships? They or their female friends may know of someone who might be perfect for you. Some people like to work as matchmakers. Getting fixed up on a blind date is time honored way of meet someone. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2013, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/49 "2013-12-06T15:42:17Z")
> [@2ManyTacos](#): > > One thing that’s really bothering me, though - and maybe some of the other more experienced members of the Dope can speak to this - is the idea that I’ve been confronting lately that EVERY DAMN WOMAN my age is already in a relationship with another guy/girl/whatever. I swear, every woman I talk to at my college always seems to be involved already with an SO, and it’s becoming incredibly frustrating to me that I’m seemingly incapable of figuring out where on earth I can find _single_ women in their early-mid 20’s. So stick them in the “maybe later” pile and move on for now. It’s not like dating in college is a lifelong commitment or something\*; remain acquainted, and in short order they’ll be available. **Jragon** : that chick never loved you. Forget everything she said. ---
**Author:** ![Learjeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/94ad74/32.png) [@Learjeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Learjeff)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2013, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/50 "2013-12-06T15:58:04Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > With respect, I would place it after “no thank you, but would you like a consolation blowjob?” OK, second best. I didn’t realize the CBJ was an option, but I’ve been out of the game for 30 years. Geeze you youngsters have it good! ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2013, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/51 "2013-12-06T16:02:51Z")
He didn’t say who _gives_ the consolation blowjob. ---
**Author:** ![Learjeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/94ad74/32.png) [@Learjeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Learjeff)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2013, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/52 "2013-12-06T16:08:08Z")
> [@2ManyTacos](#): > > The thing about this particular girl/woman (somebody brought up that I used the term “girl” instead of “woman” in the OP but I always thought that the words were interchangeable in this sense - she is a 21 year old female FWIW) Back in the late 70’s, early 80’s, when I was in that age group, a mistake like that could be a dealbreaker! Maybe things are different now. 30 years later, most of those women prefer to be called girls. Sigh. (But only if you treat them like women.) > [@](#): > > I’d _thought_ that she’d been dropping all sorts of clues at me throughout this entire semester (I share a couple of classes with her), so I figured it was aces for me to go ahead and request a date. Basically, this means that either (a) I’m terrible when it comes to misunderstanding kindness for flirtatious advances or (b) the _woman_ in question was just being playfully flirtatious to begin with, given that she already probably has an SO. Some mixture of the two is probably the most likely reality, though. Flirting is fun, and comes with a risk. Don’t discourage it; don’t worry about it, just be aware that someone might be flirting for fun rather than seriously. If nothing else, flirting is good practice. I suggest you keep flirting with this lady, or give her the signals that it’s OK for her to keep flirting with you, no harm no foul, wink wink it’s all good fun. That’s my take, yours may be different, and you have a right to your preference. > [@](#): > > In any case, I’d built up some level of rapport with her before I asked her out. When it comes to this sort of thing in general, I’m usually uneasy about going up to random women and asking for a date; I mean, I just feel as if that sort of approach will come off as _creepy_, but it sounds like that’s the exact sort of behavior that I need to evade. I suggest you stick to what feels natural, but push the envelope of what feels natural. > [@](#): > > One thing that’s really bothering me, though - and maybe some of the other more experienced members of the Dope can speak to this - is the idea that I’ve been confronting lately that EVERY DAMN WOMAN my age is already in a relationship with another guy/girl/whatever. I swear, every woman I talk to at my college always seems to be involved already with an SO, and it’s becoming incredibly frustrating to me that I’m seemingly incapable of figuring out where on earth I can find _single_ women in their early-mid 20’s. Take yoga classes. ---
**Author:** ![2ManyTacos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/2/3da27b/32.png) [@2ManyTacos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/2ManyTacos)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2013, 8:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/53 "2013-12-07T08:46:42Z")
It’s funny that you made that last point. One of the classes that I share with this woman IS a yoga class; she always situates herself right next to me, too, which was one of the many hints that I’d thought she’d been giving me. ---
**Author:** ![Learjeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/94ad74/32.png) [@Learjeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Learjeff)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2013, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/54 "2013-12-07T14:29:54Z")
That _is_ a good signal, so you weren’t being silly reading the situation that way, especially with the flirting. In any case, as you’ve found out, the only way to find out for sure is to put it to the test. Chalk this up as a GOOD experience, a move in the right direction. You weren’t permanently damaged. Take it as a nice little ego boost that she’s giving you signals, even if she can’t follow through. This is definitely a win for you, not a loss. It pretty clearly says that someone you find attractive also finds you attractive. Keep flirting, and have fun with it! Here’s another idea, which might or might not work depending your personalities. Ask her if there’s someone in the class you might have chance with. I admit I’m no expert on reading the signals (to put it mildly). My wife has pointed out cases where I missed it entirely. (I go to bars by myself a lot, since I play music. Sometimes she’ll show up, and that’s when she’ll spot it. Fortunately, she knows I’m safe so she mentions it and we laugh and that’s the end of it.) A couple of times, way back when, women friends have helped me out in this manner. Might be a long shot, but worth a try, and might be fun for your friend. In addition, it reduces the possibility for ruffled feathers, if you lay your mat next to someone else (or whatever). She becomes a co-conspirator rather than a hurt friend. ---
**Author:** ![Sahirrnee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sahirrnee/32/13937_2.png) [@Sahirrnee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sahirrnee)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2013, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/55 "2013-12-07T17:11:27Z")
> [@Jragon](#): > > No, she wasn’t. That’s why despite the fact that she keeps contacting me over and over I won’t take her back. But it doesn’t change the fact that every time I don’t take her back, I’m accepting a lifetime of having no friends or dates. No you’re not. Whether or not you believe me Some people who are insecure or manipulative or cruel or whatever their motivation will tell their partners that they are ugly, stupid, unattractive in order to take away their self esteem so they won’t stray. They will say things like ‘you are lucky to have me because nobody else would want you’ or ‘all my friends wonder why I am with you when all of my exes were so attractive’. It’s a bullshit statement and it’s a form of abuse. One of my exes pulled that shit on me. One day he told me everything that was wrong with me and I said ‘if I am so awful then why do you want to be with me?’ he said ‘because I love you’. I said ‘If you are so stupid to fall in love with someone as horrible than I am then you are too stupid for me’ I threw his ass out of my house and out of my life. The next time she wants you back you need to ask her why does she want you when you are so unattractive. Kick her to the curb and go find somebody normal and nice, who doesn’t have head problems that they are projecting onto you. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2013, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/56 "2013-12-07T18:42:22Z")
How are you asking them out? Don’t say things like, “Do you want to go on a date?” or “Would you go out with me sometime?” Do say things like “Hey, let’s go for a latte” or “I’m going to see so-and-so play tonight, do you want to come along?” ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2013, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/57 "2013-12-07T18:49:03Z")
**Jragon** , how is it that you’re the only one here who can’t see what an abusive nut your ex is? You’ve shown yourself to be intelligent in many threads, your gallery photo shows an attractive guy, and many posters have told you such in other threads. You’ve described yourself in other threads as considering yourself to be extremely homely, yet others have told you you’re delusional in that respect. Get a therapist and help yourself to see yourself as the intelligent attractive guy you are. Logically speaking: If you were so awful and your ex so normal, she never would have taken you on. But if you were normal, and your ex awful, she would have. Think about it. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2013, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/58 "2013-12-08T01:18:25Z")
> [@OurLordPeace](#): > > At 22, shouldn’t the OP be interested in women, not girls? > > And about the telemarketing approach, are people suggesting that one should make these requests based on little more than sight? Am I wrong to think that’s important to get to know someone a bit, in order to weed out glaring ethical deal-breakers and things like that? Absolutely they should. Physical attraction is an important factor, but not the only one. If you ask someone out because you find them appealing and then it turns out that they aren’t your type after all there is no law that says you must continue dating them. If nothing else, you’ve gained experience in dating. ---
**Author:** ![2ManyTacos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/2/3da27b/32.png) [@2ManyTacos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/2ManyTacos)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2013, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/59 "2013-12-08T12:28:45Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > How are you asking them out? Don’t say things like, “Do you want to go on a date?” or “Would you go out with me sometime?” Do say things like “Hey, let’s go for a latte” or “I’m going to see so-and-so play tonight, do you want to come along?” Hmm, yeah, maybe I’m hedging a bit too much when I’m asking these women out. In this case, I’d phrased it by asking, “Would you be interested in going out for a driink or a cup of coffee sometime?” I guess I should look into being slightly more forceful going forward? ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2013, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512/60 "2013-12-08T12:38:14Z")
> [@DrumBum](#): > > I’ll agree with the others that you are getting a little too stressed out over this, especially at the age of 22. I was in grad school at 22 and a girlfriend was well down the list of things I worried about. > > In the mean time, perhaps you can find one of the lady Doper’s to “Friend” you. 😃 Brainy wimmin…mmmmmmmm… 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-another-girl-turned-me-down-after-i-asked-her-out-wanna-help-me-get-over-it/675512.md?page=4)