# So, dating someone with Lupus, getting serious **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 5, 2012, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-dating-someone-with-lupus-getting-serious/624176 "2012-06-05T17:12:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Mr.Slant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c57346/32.png) [@Mr.Slant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Slant)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-dating-someone-with-lupus-getting-serious/624176/1 "2012-06-05T17:12:21Z")
If one were, hypothetically, considering long-term involvement with a person with Lupus and/or a high stastical chance of developing same, what would one want to know? Assume age in the middle-30s. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2012, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-dating-someone-with-lupus-getting-serious/624176/2 "2012-06-05T19:43:43Z")
Lots of good info [here.](http://www.lupus.org/webmodules/webarticlesnet/templates/new_learnunderstanding.aspx?articleid=2231&zoneid=523) Follow the links and be supportive. Lupus shouldn’t be a deal killer. ---
**Author:** ![Gleena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b3f665/32.png) [@Gleena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gleena)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2012, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-dating-someone-with-lupus-getting-serious/624176/3 "2012-06-06T01:24:15Z")
Shouldn’t be a deal killer, I wouldn’t think. Is she in remission? Flares are unfun, but can be managed. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Slant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c57346/32.png) [@Mr.Slant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Slant)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2012, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-dating-someone-with-lupus-getting-serious/624176/4 "2012-06-06T15:41:08Z")
Should be systemic variety, is currently in remission. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2012, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-dating-someone-with-lupus-getting-serious/624176/5 "2012-06-06T15:56:00Z")
I don’t have any specifics for you, but I have two dear friends who are a couple in their 30s, and one has struggled with Lupus. It is definitely not a deal-breaker for them – they are as close as ever (at least to my outside observer eyes). If I can get you more useful details, or better, if I can get them to post here themselves, I will do so. ---
**Author:** ![Registered\_at\_Last](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bc79bd/32.png) [@Registered\_at\_Last](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Registered_at_Last)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2012, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-dating-someone-with-lupus-getting-serious/624176/6 "2012-06-06T18:04:57Z")
My best friend was diagnosed in her mid-30s. The biggest thing that could have been an issue for her and her husband was that she wasn’t willing to risk having a child while on her meds (potential teratogenic) and she could not handle going off her meds. So the fact that neither she nor her hubby really wanted kids was a good thing for them since the decision was out of their hands. She ended up going through menopause very young (very early 40s) probably due to the many meds. So, while the lupus itself is not a dealbreaker, if kids are a priority then it may be. And I will add that many people successfully become parents while suffering from lupus. But there is no guarantee that kids will be in your future … but then again, infertility can happen for many reasons, just the odds are worse if you suffer from lupus. I would also add that lupus affects a person’s energy level and she has to be a lot more careful about where she spends her energy as she doesn’t have much of a reserve. So if you really into sports, or are a big partier, then perhaps there will be conflicts in the future. Thankfully her husband is very understanding and accomodating when she is having a flare up and doesn’t have much in the tank. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Slant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c57346/32.png) [@Mr.Slant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Slant)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2012, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-dating-someone-with-lupus-getting-serious/624176/7 "2012-06-06T18:10:15Z")
Having kids is a very, very low priority here. ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2012, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-dating-someone-with-lupus-getting-serious/624176/8 "2012-06-06T18:32:24Z")
It wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me. ---
**Author:** ![Nytewatchyr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b38774/32.png) [@Nytewatchyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nytewatchyr)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2012, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-dating-someone-with-lupus-getting-serious/624176/9 "2012-06-06T21:38:00Z")
I would be half of the couple referenced above by Asimovian. I’m 37 and was diagnosed with lupus about four years ago. It is likely I’ve been suffering from lupus since around 1999, but the docs didn’t really pay enough attention until recently. My hubby and I have been married for four years, and he is actually the one who figured out what was going on. His mother had lupus, and actually passed away from complications due to prednisone, one of the meds that is often prescribed for lupus. So he came into the relationship able to actually explain to me a lot of what was going on. I would say that lupus is like any other health issue, and should be irrelevant to a decision to become involved with someone. You should decide your feelings for someone, and then if you care enough to become involved you should figure out what affect lupus will have on your relationship. As others have mentioned, there is with any health issue the possible pregnancy problems. That seems to have been covered. One of the hardest things about lupus is that it’s one of those diseases where “you don’t look sick.” The symptoms are extremely painful but they often aren’t apparent to others. So there are people who don’t believe a lupus patient is really sick, or they believe the patient to be making it up or exaggerating or becoming a hypochondriac. Fatigue is such an issue that even lupus patients start to forget what feeling good actually feels like. The biggest support you can give is believing someone and being open and supportive of their issues. My hubby adds that the biggest thing you need is patience. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2012, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-dating-someone-with-lupus-getting-serious/624176/10 "2012-06-07T16:28:58Z")
A close relative had a bad flare-up of Lupus back in 2005, she nearly died. But after 6 months or so of battling she now lives a normal life. Recently they started developing a rash on the exposed areas of their skin after being out in the sun, I’m suspecting that is another sign of Lupus. But their doctor had recommended using a high SPF sunblock whenever they go outside. I would say as long as the person you are dating is willing to follow the doctor’s recommendations on medication and treatment, it shouldn’t be a problem. There may be flare-ups in the future, so good insurance and good doctors is a must. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Slant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c57346/32.png) [@Mr.Slant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Slant)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2012, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-dating-someone-with-lupus-getting-serious/624176/11 "2012-06-07T16:31:17Z")
> [@control-z](#): > > SNIP > … they started developing a rash on the exposed areas of their skin after being out in the sun, I’m suspecting that is another sign of Lupus. But their doctor had recommended using a high SPF sunblock whenever they go outside. > SNIP Yup, been through that. Good insurance is in play.