# So...divorce? Me? Really? \[long and presumably whiny\] **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 21, 2009, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902 "2009-09-21T02:29:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Pray\_for\_peace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Pray\_for\_peace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pray_for_peace)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/21 "2009-09-22T01:42:30Z")
I’m sorry for your loss, too. Your question about the wedding memorabilia is not dumb. For me, it felt right to keep all of it at first. I got rid of things gradually, over a period of several years, as I felt ready to let go of them. For certain things I contacted my ex (we are still friends) to let him know that I was planning to let go of a particular item, in the event that he wanted to keep it. He and I both still have a few items each. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/22 "2009-09-22T01:53:46Z")
You stick the wedding stuff in a box and put it somewhere–like ask your parents to hold onto for you, in the attic. Someday, not soon, but someday, you will be ready to go through that box and do what you will with it. I do NOT recommend you throwing that stuff out, yet. It will haunt you. You’ve been through too much too quickly to make sound judgments re stuff like that. If need be, hire a storage facility for it. You don’t need it on your plate right now and you aren’t in a position to gauge your feelings re it accurately. That time will come. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/23 "2009-09-22T02:46:52Z")
Sorry to hear this, **Asimovian**. I concur that putting the wedding stuff away for awhile, elsewhere, is a good idea. When I was going through my divorce, I realized that the marriage had turned into lots of pointless suffering. We were never going to fix it. That said, divorce is also suffering but A) it’s finite and will pass, and B) it isn’t pointless. You’ll learn from mistakes you made and (hopefully) not repeat them again. One day you’ll quite possibly look back and wonder how you stayed as long as you did00. You have some big decisions in front of you, like what to do about work and the house. This isn’t the time to make any other major choices like a cross-country move, falling head over heels for anyone, and so on. Your cage has been rattled and you need to get your balance back before making any further life changes. Life may look like a bunch of not-so-funhouse mirrors for awhile but most of it is an illusion. Chill, be kind to yourself, and keep us posted. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/24 "2009-09-22T02:50:46Z")
I don’t understand why you’re getting divorced. What’s missing? ---
**Author:** ![Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimmy_Gibbler)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/25 "2009-09-22T02:54:53Z")
> [@Mosier](#): > > I don’t understand why you’re getting divorced. What’s missing? You stay classy, **Mosier.** :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/26 "2009-09-22T03:49:02Z")
> [@Mosier](#): > > I don’t understand why you’re getting divorced. What’s missing? I’m going to take your question at face value. I won’t go into a ton of detail in here, and you’re welcome to search on my username for recent threads I’ve started if you want to learn what brought it all to a head. But the simple fact of the matter is that we were best friends 13 years ago who should have stayed best friends instead of trying to become romantic partners. We loved each other, but not in the same way. We were very young and both without nearly enough life experience to understand what we’d be lacking by pairing up. Recent events have made painfully clear those things that we have never been able to give each other. We’re simply not compatible as life partners. And we both have a better shot at being truly happy and fulfilled in life apart rather than together. Hopefully, we’ll both find what we need. ---
**Author:** ![jabiru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/bbce88/32.png) [@jabiru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jabiru)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/27 "2009-09-22T04:33:18Z")
I’m very sorry to hear your situation, **Asimovian**. I haven’t followed your story either but there does seem to be a lot of separation/divorce threads lately. It saddens me. ---
**Author:** ![anu-la1979](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/47e85d/32.png) [@anu-la1979](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anu-la1979)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/28 "2009-09-22T05:10:06Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > Thanks to each and every one of you for your support. I am taking it to heart more than you can imagine. > > So, here’s a dumb question. I’m going through some of our stuff in preparation for moving out. Eventually, I’m going to run across a very large box that contains memorabilia from our wedding. I’ve always been by far the sentimental one between the two of us, so I’m not particularly worried about her wanting to keep that stuff. But…what do I do with it? I don’t know that it’s particularly healthy for me to keep it, but I don’t feel like I can throw it away, either. > > What are you supposed to do with it? Find some place that you can stash the box and where there’s no chance of it getting thrown out until you come to a point where you can look at it again (and that may be a long time). And don’t give in to the urge to go through it when you find it-seriously get a big box that it fits inside, dump it in there and stash it. _hugs_ I agree with not throwing stuff out. I did that with years worth of stuff from someone I loved intensely for a long time and it was a big mistake because I eventually I moved on. I should have waited until I had more objectivity rather than giving in to pique. ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/29 "2009-09-23T02:25:16Z")
So sorry ☹ ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 6:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/30 "2009-09-23T06:48:17Z")
> [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](#): > > You sound like two decent people who are trying to make the best of a incredibly difficult situation—With such maturity, hopefully this can be as pain free and simple as possible for you… > > Best to you in your future, Matthew I have no words besides this. Many divorces are ugly affairs so for you to be able to deal amicably is best for you both. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/31 "2009-09-23T15:34:09Z")
My continued thanks for the advice and support. The process of beginning to pack has been easier and harder than I thought it would be. She’s not living at home right now, so I have time to go through things without the emotional difficulty that would come with us doing that side-by-side. I can pick up a book and make a quick assessment about whether it’s something I owned before we were together (which is a lot more than I would have guessed, considering we met when I was 20) or whether we bought it jointly. And for those things purchased jointly, I can simply leave them behind and buy myself a new copy if I really want it that badly. On the other hand, I find that the process is bringing up a world of negative emotions that I don’t really want to deal with right now. Not necessarily directed at her, either; mainly in the sense that the universe can be really cruel sometimes. I feel as though I am continually fighting disbelief about the whole situation. I have started taking some cursory looks around for places to live, and just by coincidence, I had someone give me some brief hope of having a place for me that would have been absolutely perfect. The right location, the right price and the right landlord. Even though it was a remote shot and it didn’t pan out, just having that possibility put in front of me made everything much, much more real. This is really happening. I really have to do this. I really am about to start my life over again. I also end up very conflicted whenever someone asks me how I’m doing, either casually or with full knowledge of what I’m dealing with. I get tired of lying to people and saying, “Oh, I’m fine; how are you?” But I also get tired of telling the truth, which is that I’m miserable and that no, there’s nothing in particular you can do about it, but thank you for asking. I suppose there’s some guilt that comes with having people feel badly for you. I don’t know that I deserve to have anyone’s sympathy, if that makes any sense. It’s just a part of life that people have to deal with sometimes, and I’m one of them. But, today is another day, and I’m still here and still breathing, so I may as well get on with it, no? ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/32 "2009-09-23T16:07:14Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > I also end up very conflicted whenever someone asks me how I’m doing, either casually or with full knowledge of what I’m dealing with. I get tired of lying to people and saying, “Oh, I’m fine; how are you?” But I also get tired of telling the truth, which is that I’m miserable and that no, there’s nothing in particular you can do about it, but thank you for asking. I suppose there’s some guilt that comes with having people feel badly for you. I don’t know that I deserve to have anyone’s sympathy, if that makes any sense. It’s just a part of life that people have to deal with sometimes, and I’m one of them. > > But, today is another day, and I’m still here and still breathing, so I may as well get on with it, no? Lordy, I know about trying to answer pleasantries like “How are you?” If they know what you’re going through, saying “I’m fine” is a blatant lie, and it can seem dismissive of them and/or your situation. But being truthful is right out! I’ve adopted my husband’s phrase. He always said, “I’m hanging in there” to such questions, and I get to remember him AND give an answer that really fits while still being within the bounds of politeness. When people know what’s going on, they understand what I’m saying, and when they don’t, they think I’m just saying I’m fine. ---
**Author:** ![Mom-of-Andrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8c91f0/32.png) [@Mom-of-Andrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mom-of-Andrew)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/33 "2009-09-23T20:13:25Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > I get tired of lying to people and saying, “Oh, I’m fine; how are you?” I’m a big fan of the upbeat but essentially meaningless answer to that question. Personal favorites include, “Just peachy” and “Just ducky, thanks!” At the moment I have problems with my balance system, so I usually answer, “Rocking right along!” Those who know, understand I’m saying I still have balance issues. Those who don’t just hear an upbeat answer. You have my deepest empathy as you go through this. Please remember that you are not alone. You have an enormous support system ready to help lend an ear, lend a hand, or lend an alibi – as the situation demands. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/34 "2009-09-23T22:15:36Z")
> [@Mom-of-Andrew](#): > > You have an enormous support system ready to help lend an ear, lend a hand, or lend an alibi – as the situation demands. It’s funny you mention that. If it weren’t for my support system in terms of my friends who live nearby, I’d probably do something foolish like pick up and move across the country right now. But I need my people to lean on right now, so that isn’t happening. And I’m grateful for my people here on this board. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![janis\_and\_c0](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janis_and_c0/32/21_2.png) [@janis\_and\_c0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/janis_and_c0)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/35 "2009-09-24T01:34:08Z")
Asimovian, [I feel ya.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=530559) PM me if you like. Janis ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/36 "2009-09-24T03:07:49Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > It’s funny you mention that. If it weren’t for my support system in terms of my friends who live nearby, I’d probably do something foolish like pick up and move across the country right now. But I need my people to lean on right now, so that isn’t happening. > > And I’m grateful for my people here on this board. 🙂 If you do decide to go crazy and head to this coast let me know and we can help you get settled. ---
**Author:** ![Estilicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/848f3c/32.png) [@Estilicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Estilicon)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/37 "2009-09-24T03:23:27Z")
The only thing I can say is congratulations. Not about your divorce, of course, but about the very mature way you and your wife behaved with each other. You both gave it your best shot and failed, there is no shame in that. There will be pain and some regrets but you acted like a real man and someday you’ll look back without pain, without regrets and with a clear conscience. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/38 "2009-09-24T03:26:04Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > If you do decide to go crazy and head to this coast let me know and we can help you get settled. I hear they’ve got good pancakes in your part of the world. 🙂 **Janis** , PM sent, and thank you. So I actually left work early today because I just couldn’t get my head around any work. I spent the afternoon lying in bed in front of the TV. Then I talked to my wife, and we agreed to go through with prior plans to visit a county fair this weekend. Sometimes I’m not convinced we have it easier than people who don’t split amicably. The problem is, we still want to spend time around each other, which is making some parts of this process a lot more difficult. Well, perhaps it will help us with closure in the end. Who knows? ---
**Author:** ![sleestak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/919ad9/32.png) [@sleestak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sleestak)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902/39 "2009-09-24T03:32:25Z")
I don’t have any really good advice but, as you know, I just had a breakup as well. The roller coaster emotions suck. If you want to PM me feel free. I had a couple really good books recommended to me that you may want to pick up. Good luck man. It’ll get better. Slee [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-divorce-me-really-long-and-presumably-whiny/510902.md?page=1)