# So, gentlemen, how \*DO\* I discuss erectile dysfunction with my man? Long, hard and... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 4, 2008, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708 "2008-06-04T02:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2008, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/41 "2008-06-04T19:39:13Z")
[QUOTE=Contrary] Ow, ow, ow!!! I didn’t even know such a remedy EXISTED. [/QUOTE] Hey, you learned something new today! It doesn’t really hurt all that much, and only for a second. The payoff in pleasure is well worth it. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2008, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/42 "2008-06-04T19:48:28Z")
[QUOTE=Madd Maxx] He wanted you to pee on him. That is why he was reluctant to let you up. I bet that would have made Mr. Happy happy. [/QUOTE] That was exactly the vibe I got as well. Glad it wasn’t just me. I’ve forced a girl to safeword out of cunnilingus before, but I assure you, if she was threatening me with a golden shower, I’d be at the bathroom holding the door open for her. **Knead** _not Peed_ ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2008, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/43 "2008-06-04T20:00:48Z")
You know, _sigh_, he mentioned a urine paraphilia to me. My response was. “Hmmm, that’s outside my comfort zone. I don’t see that happening anytime soon.” But . . . in bed? And, I wasn’t asking in my sexy voice. I was plaintive, then annoyed, and then very, very serious in a Get Off Me Or Die sort of way. I had to shove his hands away and get out from underneath him. When I got back from the bathroom, I was . . . not happy. So, **tdn** (and thank you for being so brave), as you are knowledgeable, I don’t understand what kind of physical problem would make it so a man can have an erection sometimes, but not at others. The now-ex made it plain that he had an erection when he masturbated (to happy thoughts of me, he said). Help me understand? ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2008, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/44 "2008-06-04T20:13:25Z")
[QUOTE=Priceguy] Doesn’t have to be dumb. The first two times with my now-ex, I couldn’t perform. Nothing wrong with her, I was just too nervous about finally being in that situation. When the whole thing felt a bit less dramatic, the problem vanished. [/QUOTE] Performance anxiety is one thing, telling someone beforehand that ‘Mr. happy will need time to trust you.’ sounds ridiculous. Especially combined with the other issues **Phouka** described. ---
**Author:** ![WF\_Tomba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d9b06d/32.png) [@WF\_Tomba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WF_Tomba)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2008, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/45 "2008-06-04T20:13:34Z")
I’d say you were _mostly_ in the right. He certainly showed some weirdness and immaturity in his responses. You were right to dump him. Asking for a “time frame” is the only thing you did wrong. If it really had been a matter of time (which it probably wasn’t) this would have been asking too much. Our bodies don’t run on clocks. I don’t think we know enough to diagnose the source of his problem. The strange idea that he consciously decided to disconnect his sexual response from his conscious mind might make sense as a rationalization of homosexuality: if the times when he gets hard and the times when he _wants_ to get hard do not line up, he might explain it to himself that way. But it might just as well mean something else. I want to comment on this: > [@Ruby](#): > > Men. I will never understand the relationship between a man and his penis. > > Why does this have to be such a problem? If a woman loses her libido, you don’t see her going nutsy weird about it. It’s a fact of life. It happens. Get over it and get it fixed or accept it for what it is. The penis does not make the man. It’s easy to understand why men get such a complex about their potency. It’s the same reason so many women obsess about their weight: social stigma. Men who can’t get it up are laughed and sneered at–not in enlightened circles, but very often nonetheless. (It’s mostly other men, not women, who do the judging.) It’s not enough for the sufferers of impotence to convince _themselves_ that it’s just a simple health problem. What they’re afraid of is how others will view them. ---
**Author:** ![WF\_Tomba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d9b06d/32.png) [@WF\_Tomba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WF_Tomba)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2008, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/46 "2008-06-04T20:17:29Z")
[QUOTE=phouka] You know, _sigh_, he mentioned a urine paraphilia to me. My response was. “Hmmm, that’s outside my comfort zone. I don’t see that happening anytime soon.” [/QUOTE] Maybe he has a very strong piss fetish and can’t get it up any other way. (You say he masturbates effectively, but you don’t know what he’s imagining while he’s doing it, do you?) Anyway, it’s not your job to guess his secret hangups. He’ll have to face up to them himself sooner or later. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2008, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/47 "2008-06-04T20:23:36Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] As far as this guy being latently homosexual, I highly doubt it. [/QUOTE] Why? Any reason, other than it’s almost a punchline? The reason I immediately jumped to that, by the way, is because it has played out like that for me, 4 times now. Almost word-for-word with the OP (even, once, the peeing thing.) _Especially_, believe it or not, the “_really_ likes women” part. A guy who’s not lying to himself will, like you, get the medical help he needs. Most people who get insanely defensive do so because they’re not being honest with themselves. Could he be lying to himself about something else sexual? Sure, could be. But there’s some self-deception of some sort going on. Whether it’s that he really wants to be pissed on or he really wants to be straight, someone’s taking a ride down that river in Egypt. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2008, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/48 "2008-06-04T20:26:12Z")
[QUOTE=phouka] You know, _sigh_, he mentioned a urine paraphilia to me. My response was. “Hmmm, that’s outside my comfort zone. I don’t see that happening anytime soon.” [/QUOTE] Too bad. It’s AWESOME. 😉 > [@](#): > > So, **tdn** (and thank you for being so brave), as you are knowledgeable, I don’t understand what kind of physical problem would make it so a man can have an erection sometimes, but not at others. The now-ex made it plain that he had an erection when he masturbated (to happy thoughts of me, he said). Help me understand? I can’t speak to his situation, only my own (and that of a very specific subset of men). And I’m not sure I fully understand it myself. But I think it’s like this: Picture filling up a bathtub with a garden hose. Normally, the act of filling it would cause a valve to close on the drain – nothing leaks out. In the case of some of us, the valve is faulty. The water can drain out as fast as the hose fills it up. Or in some cases, the hose can’t pump enough water to close the valve (possibly due to vascular damage, which is like a leaky hose). In either case, water out exceeds water in. The tub doesn’t fill properly. The water, of course, is blood. Various physical activities such as walking, riding a bike, or doing bed pushups will steal some of that blood. There’s just not enough of it left over to fill the penis. But sleeping isn’t terribly demanding on the CV system. The blood has nothing better to do, so off to the penis it goes. I usually don’t have a problem getting hard if I’m lying very still. But if I get up and walk more than a few steps, it goes away pretty quickly. Does that make sense? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2008, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/49 "2008-06-04T20:28:17Z")
**phouka** , I’d say you handled this astonishingly well given that they don’t exactly teach this stuff in class. **tdn** , kudos for being a man about your problems, so to speak. I know I couldn’t have admitted that. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2008, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/50 "2008-06-04T20:43:27Z")
[QUOTE=astro] Again you are putting the onus on the man as if it’s his big deal. It’s a man’s “big deal” because it’s a \*woman’s \* big deal. Possibly women over 65 or so might be understanding. I have listened to more than one sweet, charitable, caring single woman in her 40’s I have dated over the past 10 years (I’m 50 this month) tell me point blank she dropped a Mr. Perfect candidate because he could not get it up. And make no mistake about it, from their perspective it was his problem, not “their” problem. [/QUOTE] WTH? You say she’s putting the onus on the man (whose penis IS this, anyway?) but you’re just putting the onus on the woman. Sure, there are women who say this stuff. And there are just as many men who drop a woman because she didn’t got to bed with him on the first date or whatever. Sexual incompatibility is not limited to one gender. The “onus” shouldn’t be put, period–how about this guy admits to himself that he has a problem and gets some help? He’s very, very luck that there IS help to get. Lots of inorgasmic women would like such easy help. > [@](#): > > The ability to get a big fat hard erection and fuck like a stallion is a HUGE deal to sexually active women, and they will drop your ass like a hot potato, politely or impolitely, if they think this is unlikely to happen. I’m sure there are men with erectile issues who would be happy to keep eating pussy contentedly as long as they felt they woman was satisfied with their performance, but if a woman wants a hard cock (with man attached) to make her feel like a woman there are few substitutes. I’m sorry, but you sound really bitter and angry about this. 😕 I don’t want to be fucked by a stallion; I’ve never dropped any man “like a hot potato”; and I’m not sure you are the arbiter of what women want in bed to make her “feel like a woman.” (clue: how about someone who’s emotionally present? That and patience will take you far, my friend) ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2008, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/51 "2008-06-04T20:43:50Z")
[QUOTE=WhyNot] Could he be lying to himself about something else sexual? Sure, could be. But there’s some self-deception of some sort going on. Whether it’s that he really wants to be pissed on or he really wants to be straight, someone’s taking a ride down that river in Egypt. [/QUOTE] It could be any of those things. And yes, it could be that he’s latently gay. But to deny something like that for 20 years? That really seems more like a mechanical failure to me. I’m not qualified to diagnose the guy, but from everything I’ve learned over the past couple of decades, my money is on leaky valves. As far as what’s going on in his head, I’d guess that he just doesn’t want to confront the problem and is hoping it will just go away by itself. He’s in for a lot of disappointment. As far as the accusation of homosexuality goes, I find that highly offensive, but on a personal level. It’s not that I have a problem with gays or gayness. But someone once suggested (half jokin) that that was what my problem was. I’m not sure why I was so offended, but I guess it was the suggestion that I don’t know my own sexuality as well as trivializing the problem. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2008, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/52 "2008-06-04T20:53:08Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] As far as the accusation of homosexuality goes, I find that highly offensive, but on a personal level. It’s not that I have a problem with gays or gayness. But someone once suggested (half jokin) that that was what my problem was. I’m not sure why I was so offended, but I guess it was the suggestion that I don’t know my own sexuality as well as trivializing the problem. [/QUOTE] Not to hijack the thread, but a lot of people don’t know their own sexuality. There have been large numbers of people in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and older just realizing that they are not straight. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2008, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/53 "2008-06-04T21:03:17Z")
[QUOTE=Antinor01] Not to hijack the thread, but a lot of people don’t know their own sexuality. There have been large numbers of people in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and older just realizing that they are not straight. [/QUOTE] True enough. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2008, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/54 "2008-06-04T21:45:30Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] It’s AWESOME. 😉 [/QUOTE] You chose the yellow face on purpose, didn’t you? ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2008, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/55 "2008-06-04T22:01:39Z")
I too always thought morning erections indicated a mental reason for erectile dysfunction. Ignorance fought. Thanks **tdn**. Myself, if I ever get anxious I have the opposite problem of [anorgasmia.](http://menshealth.about.com/cs/stds/a/anorgasmia.htm). Luckily it’s under control. Just thought I’d share :o ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2008, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/56 "2008-06-04T23:50:30Z")
[QUOTE=Autolycus] I too always thought morning erections indicated a mental reason for erectile dysfunction. Ignorance fought. Thanks **tdn**. [/QUOTE] Glad I could help. Conventional wisdom held that about 95% of ED was mental, but that number was reversed around 15 years ago. I don’t know what the current thinking is these days. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2008, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/57 "2008-06-05T00:23:25Z")
[QUOTE=eleanorigby] whose penis IS this, anyway? [/QUOTE] With your host, Drew Carey. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2008, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/58 "2008-06-05T00:47:43Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] It could be any of those things. And yes, it could be that he’s latently gay. But to deny something like that for 20 years? That really seems more like a mechanical failure to me. I’m not qualified to diagnose the guy, but from everything I’ve learned over the past couple of decades, my money is on leaky valves. As far as what’s going on in his head, I’d guess that he just doesn’t want to confront the problem and is hoping it will just go away by itself. He’s in for a lot of disappointment. [/QUOTE] Plus most everyone who’s seen those Levitra/Cialis/whatever commercials should know by now that cardiovascular problems can lead to erectile issues. So if that’s the problem, not only is he in denial, he risks some major trouble with his health. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2008, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/59 "2008-06-05T04:31:02Z")
[QUOTE=eleanorigby] WTH? You say she’s putting the onus on the man (whose penis IS this, anyway?) but you’re just putting the onus on the woman. Sure, there are women who say this stuff. And there are just as many men who drop a woman because she didn’t got to bed with him on the first date or whatever. Sexual incompatibility is not limited to one gender. The “onus” shouldn’t be put, period–how about this guy admits to himself that he has a problem and gets some help? He’s very, very luck that there IS help to get. Lots of inorgasmic women would like such easy help. I’m sorry, but you sound really bitter and angry about this. 😕 I don’t want to be fucked by a stallion; I’ve never dropped any man “like a hot potato”; and I’m not sure you are the arbiter of what women want in bed to make her “feel like a woman.” (clue: how about someone who’s emotionally present? That and patience will take you far, my friend) [/QUOTE] My response was a emphatic because it was responding to the exceptionally tiresome refrain of “Oh you men and your penises” line that many women like to haul out to show how stressed, obsessed and shallow men are with respect to being concerned about their erectile performance. My point was that sexually active women most emphatically DO judge men on their erectile performance, so if you are a man and want to have a relationship with a sexually active woman you’d damn well better be concerned about it. I am sure there there are women (even some younger ones) who are not all that sexually active for one reason or another, and for whom erectile performance may be an afterthought in a partner, but for most of the women I’ve been intimate with it’s definitely not an afterthought, and some hold it as the gold standard that attests to of their sexual attractiveness and physical desirability. Cuddling and oral skills may take you far, but if you cannot progress to the next phase of intimacy women with options will terminate the relationship if an erection is not in the cards or the boxers. Sadly, and regretfully perhaps, but they will terminate it. And quite frankly I don’t begrudge them the right to make this decision. I doubt I would want to initiate and sustain a physical relationship with a woman who found intimate sex impossible for whatever reason. I might feel sympathy for her and regret for her circumstance, but I would move on as vaginal intercourse is an important component of a physical relationship to me. I could be friends with her, but I would not pretend to be her lover. Re the “emotionally present” issue I don’t recall saying this was not a requirement for a good relationship, or that having an erection trumped this necessity. It’s not either/or, some women may be satisfied with an emotionally present man with erectile dysfunction, others will demand an emotionally present man with a physically present erection. The main point is that women need to stop being coy and condescending about men being concerned with their erectile performance. Men are mainly concerned because women are concerned. ---
**Author:** ![Dunderman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecb155/32.png) [@Dunderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunderman)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2008, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708/60 "2008-06-05T07:04:46Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] And I must say that, in this context, I despise the word “perform.” [/QUOTE] Same here. Couldn’t think of another one at the time. > [@Antinor01](#): > > Performance anxiety is one thing, telling someone beforehand that ‘Mr. happy will need time to trust you.’ sounds ridiculous. I wouldn’t phrase it like that (mainly because I’ll be in my cold dark grave before I use the term “Mr Happy”), but it wouldn’t be beyond me to somehow convey that expectations shouldn’t be too high in the beginning. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-gentlemen-how-do-i-discuss-erectile-dysfunction-with-my-man-long-hard-and/451708.md?page=4)