# So how many partners is too many partners? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 21, 2009, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017 "2009-09-21T23:21:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/21 "2009-09-22T15:57:18Z")
I’m one of those super low number people. As in, I’ve slept with 1 man, my husband. (In total honesty. I thought about giving myself the high school boyfriend that I fooled around with a lot but never had sex with to inflate my number. Then I thought that that was stupid. What, one is so bad that two is better? Not really.) What’s in the past is in the past, and if we’re dating, I don’t think I want or need to hear about it. And maybe I’m inexperienced in that I’ve had sexual experiences with at most two guys, but I’ve got a 17 year history with the last guy - does that count? All that said, I would feel weirded out by too high of numbers. Depending on the guy, right now that’s about 15-20 for me. No real reason behind the number, just gut feel I guess - I’m 32; I could easily see whomever I was dating in my age range having that many partners. YMMV. What would feel weirder, however, is discussing it at all in any type of numbers game. I can understanding talking about past relationships as they come up in conversation; that’s normal, and healthy. But as a “how many relationships have you been in” type of question? I’d find that very strange. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/22 "2009-09-22T16:14:23Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > I don’t recall having been asked the question in a serious way in many many years, but if a guy did, I think I’d probably say “Why don’t you tell me a number you’re comfortable with, and I’ll let you know whether there’s any point in both of us continuing to be here.” 😉 The best would be if he wrote it down on a little paper and slipped it across the table to you. You could take a peek and write your own number, telling him ‘I was considering something a bit closer to this.’ ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/23 "2009-09-22T16:47:50Z")
I’ve gotten different reactions from people concerning my personal number when I have told them. Some considered me a horrible slut and some considered me nearly pure as the driven snow–the number was the same both times. I’ve been considered slutty by people whose personal number was both higher and lower than mine. To be honest, I think my number is too high, in that I have been with people I shouldn’t have touched with any parts of my body, but that’s as far as it goes. If I were to hang around lamenting this, it would take up valuable time that I need for other things. How the number was acquired and their attitude toward sex and their sexual partners matters to me, because that’s an indication of how they will likely behave toward me. The sheer number doesn’t matter. I do like a good sex story of past exploits if a partner has some and is willing to share them with me, while I listen attentively and say things like, “Wait a minute, then she did what with the jumper cables? You may have to repeat that.” ---
**Author:** ![Orange\_Skinner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/3be4f8/32.png) [@Orange\_Skinner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orange_Skinner)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/24 "2009-09-22T16:48:30Z")
Honestly, I would have little concern one way or the other, unless the person were a virgin or had only had very few sexual experiences (low number of experiences, that is, regardless of number of partners). By no means would virginity or extremely limited past experience be a deal breaker for me (in fact, deflowering my ex was very unique and enjoyable experience, just way different from the kind of sex we wound up having later in our relationship); I’d just appreciate the heads up so I could be a little bit more understanding/accommodating. A high, medium or low number has nothing to do with how the person is ultimately going to behave in bed or in a relationship with me…it’s not some indicator that trumps all other aspects of their personality. Having 500 partners might not be the best sign if you’re looking for a long-term monogamous partner at first glance, but you have to consider the situations surrounding the activity in the first place. If they didn’t want such a relationship then, maybe the do now…and their history should not infinitely preclude them from that. Plus, you’ll know that if they stick around, you must be doing something right. And if that’s not what you’re looking for and you’re purely interested in sex…how is discriminating against someone who has had a bunch of casual sex even remotely logical? They’re doing just what you’re doing, only they’ve been doing it longer, or better, or both, probably a good thing given the situation (as long as it’s not “they just do it in less than five seconds with no refractory period between new partners”…that would suck). ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/25 "2009-09-22T17:16:07Z")
I don’t think you can really just look at a number. Age, frequency, and a bunch of other factors should be taken into account. For the OP, 35 isn’t a lot if you’ve only slept with 2 women a year since you turned 18. Of course that would beg the question of why you can’t seem to make a relationship last more than 6 months on average. OTOH, if you slept with 34 women from age 16 to 24 and then got married, that paints a different picture. When you start getting into tripple digits, however, one does have to wonder. > [@gurujulp](#): > > I am unsure what other people’s normal sex lives are like. I recall one 16yo who was hugely popular mentioning that he had slept with nearly 35 women and girls by that age. At the time I found that difficult to believe. The real number is probably closer to 12 or even 9. Maybe even less if you discount blowjobs or handjobs. Kids make a lot of shit up. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/26 "2009-09-22T17:28:18Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > So **Dogzilla** –why do you even answer the question? I haven’t chosen to lie for a long time, but this is a very good question. I’m going to go way out on a limb here and suggest that, whenever I’ve chosen to lie or even respond to this question at all, it’s because the person asking has worn me down and I haven’t been feeding and watering my self-esteem properly, so I go into people-pleasing mode and just make up a number to get 'em off my back. I’ll cut that right out. After writing that out, it’s plain to see that the optimal response would be, “None of your damn business, next question.” ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/27 "2009-09-22T17:31:35Z")
Straight male in his very late 20s here. I don’t give a rat’s behind. I’ve been with girls on both ends of the spectrum. If I like her, I like her, and that’s that. ETA : However, I admit to being curious about it - if only to try and find an answer to my permanent question : “Why do you go out with me ?! I can’t stand me, and _I’m_ me.” ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/28 "2009-09-22T18:14:09Z")
A young woman once told me that she had had sex twice in her life; both times with the Dallas Cowboys. I never asked her another personal question. ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/29 "2009-09-22T18:25:09Z")
> [@LouisB](#): > > A young woman once told me that she had had sex twice in her life; both times with the Dallas Cowboys. I never asked her another personal question. If you’re still in touch with her, you might want to let her know she just won the thread, as well as Best Answer to This Question Ever. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/30 "2009-09-22T18:49:50Z")
Thanks for answering, **Dogzilla**. It is hard when someone is pressing you and won’t back off, especially if they’re making insinuations that the only reason that you won’t tell is because you’re ashamed of how high your number is. However we now have a better response to those people who won’t take “none of your damn business” for an answer. Except I’d say the Green Bay Packers instead of the Dallas Cowboys because, c’mon, Packers? Heh. ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/31 "2009-09-22T18:53:21Z")
I don’t particulary think it matters, except that with good common sense and a stack o’ rubbers, we should all be having a lot more sex. Most of the folks I slept with were rather early on, and were one-offs. I would much rather have had lower numbers and deeper experiences, but I was a flighty youth, and wasn’t satisfied with me, so I kept moving, both location and ideology. **Heart of Dorkness** , **Green Bean** , **Dogzilla** , **Cat Fight** , good posts! I used to wish to know, simply for curiosity’s sake. The question does tend to be something that either will matter a lot, or doesn’t matter at all, and in my case, as it was purely curiosity, I have learned that I can get the answers I need by asking other questions, which have been elucidated in your posts. Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/32 "2009-09-22T19:22:50Z")
I think 10 partners is too many, really. I mean, yeesh, just how big is your bed anyhow?? ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/33 "2009-09-22T21:18:01Z")
> [@gurujulp](#): > > How many is too many? If your partner (or a prospective partner) told you that they had slept with 5 people, would that be too many? How about ten? Twenty five? Fifty? One hundred? Two? The number isn’t the issue. The context, and/or what sex means to the person, may well be. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/34 "2009-09-22T21:40:33Z")
I wouldn’t care about any particular number. I would be more inclined to have a problem with a high number of relationships though. The type of person who is introducing a new boy/girlfriend every two weeks would bother me a lot more than someone who has had a lot of sex. ---
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/35 "2009-09-22T22:14:45Z")
Ditto to the above. Fucked 500 guys? As long as you’re clean, I could care less. Have 8 unhappy ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands in the past 2 years? I will keep you in mind…but forget about anything long-term. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/36 "2009-09-22T23:14:36Z")
I don’t ask and don’t tell. I don’t think anything good can come out of knowing how many people your partner has been with. I’ve been with like 12 and that’s a bit higher than I’d like, but…whatever. I think it’s just a silly personal issue of mine to even keep track of it and be concerned with it, because it doesn’t really matter. ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2009, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/37 "2009-09-22T23:19:33Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > Based on this thread so far, I am a total slut. Me too. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/38 "2009-09-23T02:51:03Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > I either refuse to answer the question or I lie and drop the number significantly. Based on this thread so far, I am a total slut. > > However, I lost my virginity at a rather young age and my average works out to maybe 2-3 partners a year. I’ve gone years and years without being with anyone, so that average might actually be down to 2 per year since I’ve been sexually active. Men look at me with revulsion and the term “hot dog down a hallway” comes up, although I really don’t think I’ve been any more promiscuous than anyone else who is single and my age. > > But whatever. People judge. So I lie. I could have posted that thread exactly. For me, I was a lot like Alyssa in _Chsing Amy_. I knew I wasn’t straight, but I didn’t think I was gay, so I tried a lot of stuff before coming to the point where I am now. But in that trying, my numbers went up a bit. I mean, there was a year or so where I didn’t date anyone (or perhaps I should be more explicit: I didn’t sleep with anyone) because I was really messed up. And there have been a few long term relationships, where I was with the same person for around a year on average. So my “average per year” has gone down (esp. because I’ve been with my fiancee for a year and a half now.), but for a while, it was pretty high. If you were to remove the year of celibacy and the time I spent in committed monogamous relationships, my average per year is over 5 per year. I don’t often admit how many people I’ve been with. My fiancee doesn’t even know my number. He knows about my past, my trek to self discovery, and that my number is “up there” and he loves me nonetheless. It’s weird for him because I’m the only woman he’s ever been with in an intimate way. Shoot, I’ve been with more women than him. But we love each other and we’ve let the past go. We’re looking at the future. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/39 "2009-09-23T03:40:29Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > And his number is none of mine–unless it’s very low, **in which case I’d approach things differently**. Why? ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/40 "2009-09-23T16:23:44Z")
> [@Soapbox\_Monkey](#): > > Why? It is apparently common around to assume that virgins have never been in a truly committed relationship, and would lack the social skills necessary to handle one, at least after they reach a certain age. As an intentional virgin who seeks same, I find this view particularly disheartening. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017.md?page=3)