# So how many partners is too many partners? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 21, 2009, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017 "2009-09-21T23:21:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/61 "2009-09-23T18:31:45Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Well, she used the male personal pronoun, but also referred to a \*fiancee \*instead of _fiance_… so maybe she’s not sure whether she’s marrying a chick or a dude. 😃 Well, I have noticed that a lot of people refer to their betrothed, of whatever sex, as fiancee, but I just think that means that they aren’t as pedantic about spelling as I am. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/62 "2009-09-23T18:40:48Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Thanks for answering, **Dogzilla**. It is hard when someone is pressing you and won’t back off, especially if they’re making insinuations that the only reason that you won’t tell is because you’re ashamed of how high your number is. > > However we now have a better response to those people who won’t take “none of your damn business” for an answer. > > Except I’d say the Green Bay Packers instead of the Dallas Cowboys because, c’mon, Packers? Heh. Oh, I know right. I’ll be using the Cleveland Browns. But therein lies the rub, innit? You’re damned if you do – “Whaa? 100 partners? Jane, you ignorant slut!” And you’re damned if you don’t – “Oh, you won’t admit to it? Jane, you must be an ignorant slut!” No matter what the answer is, I might as well just claim to be an ignorant slut from the outset and avoid all this nonsense. I suspect that men do not face this conundrum. Or at least as much. There’s no social expectation that men are pure and wholesome as the driven snow. And yet the other side of the coin is equally disadvantageous: nobody wants to admit being a virgin much after age 21 or so. ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/63 "2009-09-23T18:53:51Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > The correct answer is 100. 100 people is too many. What if you are ninety and became sexually active at 14? You can do a lot in 76 years, even if you take a few off or have a few multi-year relationships… ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/64 "2009-09-23T18:59:23Z")
I think it’s not so much the number as the nature of the previous encounters. A lot of casual promiscuity in a female is a red flag for an abuse survivor with emotional issues. I wouldn’t want some uptight virgin either, though. The thing to look for is someone who has a history of relatively normal, monogamous relationships. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/65 "2009-09-23T19:41:13Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > A lot of casual promiscuity in a female is a red flag for an abuse survivor with emotional issues. Yup. Anything said so often must be true. A million insecure people with penises can’t be wrong. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/66 "2009-09-23T20:22:02Z")
Anyone who watched _Loveline_ knows that any unusual sexual habit is a red flag for an abuse survivor with emotional issues. Caller: “I like sex a lot!” Dr. Drew: “Who molested you?” Caller: “I get turned on when I take a dump!” Dr. Drew: “Did your father abuse you?” Caller: “I like to have sex with multiple well-hung African-American males every Wednesday.” Dr. Drew: “Where did Grandpa touch you?” Caller: “It burns when I pee.” Dr. Drew: “You have gonorrhea. Also, you were raped by your sister.” ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/67 "2009-09-23T20:26:23Z")
> [@gurujulp](#): > > What if you are ninety and became sexually active at 14? You can do a lot in 76 years, even if you take a few off or have a few multi-year relationships… It doesn’t matter. 100 is the number. It’s like Halloween candy. You can eat it all at once on November 1st, or you can pace yourself and make it last until Christmas. Either way, that’s all you get. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/68 "2009-09-23T20:29:20Z")
But, but… the whole point of being a grownup is that you can have as much candy as you want, whenever you want!!! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/69 "2009-09-23T20:31:28Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > But, but… the whole point of being a grownup is that you can have as much candy as you want, whenever you want!!! 🙂 Yes, but if you ask people what a reasonable amount of candy to have before dinner is, you can’t complain when they tell you two King-Size Snickers is too much. If you know what I mean. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/70 "2009-09-23T20:38:58Z")
As much as I enjoy the candy metaphor, it only goes so far, given that unlike candy before dinner, too much sex doesn’t exactly spoil one’s appetite for more sex. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/71 "2009-09-23T20:41:21Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > A lot of casual promiscuity in a female is a red flag for an abuse survivor with emotional issues. While that happens to be true in my case, you’ve just hit upon the major reason I don’t want to answer this question. When people jump to the conclusion that X number of partners = red flag for abuse survivor, then they immediately project on to me traits or behaviors that are not entirely accurate. I become whoever _they think I am_ based on whatever their perception is of abuse survivors and they stop seeing me for who I really am. Same reason I don’t admit (IRL) that I’m a pot smoker. People hear that and what springs to mind is a Jeff Spiccoli. They assume that I live on a steady diet of Cheetos and M&Ms, that I can’t hold a job, nor do I pay my bills, do anything that smacks of responsibility, and I must keep a 4’ bong in my living room. I am nothing like that. And I keep the bong under the kitchen sink, but it’s only an 8" little fella. 😉 I don’t want people making unfounded assumptions about who I am now based on past behavior. While your assumptions might have been 100% dead on correct fifteen years ago, you’d be dead wrong drawing the same conclusions now. You also don’t know whatever therapy I’ve undergone to deal with the emotional issues or the pot smoking or whatever. KnowwhatImean? Past behavior isn’t always an accurate predictor of future behavior. Certain habits ≠ stereotypical personality traits. And I don’t appreciate being lumped into the same category as Jeff Spiccoli just because I indulge in a little weed now and then. Nor am I some fragile manhating rape victim. I slept with a bunch of people when I was really young because sex = love in my mind back then. I stopped doing that, got some help, worked through my shit and now I never get any action. (Which makes me question the wisdom of recovery. I was having a hell of a lot more fun when I was messed up. 🆒 ) Now all of this is wayyyyy TMI for this message board, but the whole discussion simply illustrates why such questions are best not asked at all in polite company. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/72 "2009-09-23T20:53:25Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > As much as I enjoy the candy metaphor, it only goes so far, given that unlike candy before dinner, too much sex doesn’t exactly spoil one’s appetite for more sex. True, it’s a pretty weak metaphor. I really should gone with cookies, anyway, so I could have made a Double-Stuff Oreo joke. Alas… But yes, nothing wrong with having tons of sex with tons of people. Unless it’s over 100, in which case you’re a whore. (The general you, not you specifically. Unless you’ve had sex with more than 100 people, of course.) ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/73 "2009-09-23T20:53:40Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > As much as I enjoy the candy metaphor, it only goes so far, given that unlike candy before dinner, too much sex doesn’t exactly spoil one’s appetite for more sex. Well, it might. Exactly how too much are we talking? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/74 "2009-09-23T20:55:45Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > But yes, nothing wrong with having tons of sex with tons of people. Unless it’s over 100, in which case you’re a whore. (The general you, not you specifically. Unless you’ve had sex with more than 100 people, of course.) And if you’re over 100 already, shoot for 1,000, because then you’re a rock star! ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/75 "2009-09-23T20:55:47Z")
> [@Really Not All That Bright](#): > > Well, it might. Exactly how too much are we talking? I dunno. If I ever have so much sex I don’t want any more, I’ll report back. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Bith_Shuffle)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/76 "2009-09-23T21:07:50Z")
I think a woman who had had sex with more than one man per year since her sixteenth birthday would probably not have a personality type sufficiently similar to mine for a relationship between us to last. ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/77 "2009-09-23T21:18:59Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > FWIW, I wouldn’t date a virgin under most circumstances but only because I’d expect her to be horrible in bed. Based on the responses of my first and subsequent few partners, and my own experiences with virgin partners later on, I have to say: you might be very surprised. Sure, some people will have no idea what to do their first time, but others are very eager to make it a good experience, and have done their homework. And even if they’re relatively clueless, that can be a good thing. That can translate into “I have no preconceived notions about what either of us will like, and I’m willing to try it all.” Fun! ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/78 "2009-09-23T21:32:44Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > While that happens to be true in my case, you’ve just hit upon the major reason I don’t want to answer this question. When people jump to the conclusion that X number of partners = red flag for abuse survivor, then they immediately project on to me traits or behaviors that are not entirely accurate. I become whoever _they think I am_ based on whatever their perception is of abuse survivors and they stop seeing me for who I really am. > > Same reason I don’t admit (IRL) that I’m a pot smoker. People hear that and what springs to mind is a Jeff Spiccoli. They assume that I live on a steady diet of Cheetos and M&Ms, that I can’t hold a job, nor do I pay my bills, do anything that smacks of responsibility, and I must keep a 4’ bong in my living room. I am nothing like that. And I keep the bong under the kitchen sink, but it’s only an 8" little fella. 😉 > > I don’t want people making unfounded assumptions about who I am now based on past behavior. While your assumptions might have been 100% dead on correct fifteen years ago, you’d be dead wrong drawing the same conclusions now. You also don’t know whatever therapy I’ve undergone to deal with the emotional issues or the pot smoking or whatever. KnowwhatImean? Past behavior isn’t always an accurate predictor of future behavior. > > Certain habits ≠ stereotypical personality traits. And I don’t appreciate being lumped into the same category as Jeff Spiccoli just because I indulge in a little weed now and then. Nor am I some fragile manhating rape victim. I slept with a bunch of people when I was really young because sex = love in my mind back then. I stopped doing that, got some help, worked through my shit and now I never get any action. (Which makes me question the wisdom of recovery. I was having a hell of a lot more fun when I was messed up. 🆒 ) > > Now all of this is wayyyyy TMI for this message board, but the whole discussion simply illustrates why such questions are best not asked at all in polite company. You do have to remember, though, that the Dope has a very high proportion of extremely judgmental people who have nothing better to do than declare people who have more sex or more drugs or more fun or more whatever than they do damaged freaks. Admitting to any of those things here will definitely cause people to look down on you even more than it might do IRL. Still, I suppose the sanctimonious ones have to get their jollies somehow, and they’re obviously not out partying or having sex. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/79 "2009-09-23T21:43:35Z")
> [@Telperien](#): > > You do have to remember, though, that the Dope has a very high proportion of extremely judgmental people who have nothing better to do than declare people who have more sex or more drugs or more fun or more whatever than they do damaged freaks. Admitting to any of those things here will definitely cause people to look down on you even more than it might do IRL. I really don’t think the proportion’s all that high here. This thread has had 1,453 views so far. Try talking about your sexual history to 1,453 people in real life and see if one or two of them don’t go all judgmental on you. ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/80 "2009-09-23T21:57:17Z")
I generally wouldn’t ask, but If pressed, I guess twice as many as I’ve had might make me worry a bit. Mind you, that’s a number that becomes increasingly permissive as one’s experience and (one would hope) confidence grows. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017.md?page=5)