# So how many partners is too many partners? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 21, 2009, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017 "2009-09-21T23:21:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![KellyCriterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b3f665/32.png) [@KellyCriterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyCriterion)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/161 "2009-09-29T18:35:11Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Ah, very interesting comment. I agree that the month-long oatmeal fast would probably make that meal feel more enjoyable, but I suspect that you (and everyone else you know) would not choose a month of oatmeal and one exceptional meal over a month of three good meals a day. Whether you enjoy it more, and whether you could be bothered abstaining in the first place, are two separate things. Nope, I can’t be bothered eating oatmeal for a month in order to enjoy my lamb kebab all the more. But I wouldn’t delude myself to the extent that **DianaG** does and claim that I am enjoying my kebab just as much as the guy who _has_ been eating oatmeal all month. Sure, I’d still enjoy eating it (did you read that last bit, **DianaG**?), but as much as Mr. Oatmeal-all-month? Not a chance. Now, here’s the underlying point that I was trying to make way back when I first entered the thread: Some people _can_ be bothered saving themselves when it comes to sex. Draw the conclusion. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/162 "2009-09-29T18:48:41Z")
> [@KellyCriterion](#): > > But I wouldn’t delude myself to the extent that **DianaG** does and claim that I am enjoying my kebab just as much as the guy who _has_ been eating oatmeal all month. All I’ve been saying is that not everyone feels the same way about that kebab as you do, while you’ve been insisting that your perception of the kebab is undeniable fact, so which one of us is deluded, dear? Like you said, \*some \*people prefer to save themselves. And that’s cool. But it doesn’t mean that the rest of us are delusional for not seeing things the same way you do. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/163 "2009-09-29T20:43:04Z")
> [@KellyCriterion](#): > > Whether you enjoy it more, and whether you could be bothered abstaining in the first place, are two separate things. Nope, I can’t be bothered eating oatmeal for a month in order to enjoy my lamb kebab all the more. But I wouldn’t delude myself to the extent that **DianaG** does and claim that I am enjoying my kebab just as much as the guy who _has_ been eating oatmeal all month. Sure, I’d still enjoy eating it (did you read that last bit, **DianaG**?), but as much as Mr. Oatmeal-all-month? Not a chance. But the point I was trying to make is that the kebab is not the only meal in the world – for some people, it’s not worth it to spend most of the time not getting any pleasure from eating just to wring a tiny bit more out of that one meal. It’s all about what metric you choose for culinary enjoyment. If you want that kebab to be as singularly enjoyable as possible, then by all means eat oatmeal. (Of course, someone who spends all their time really learning about food may in fact enjoy that kebab even more.) > [@](#): > > Now, here’s the underlying point that I was trying to make way back when I first entered the thread: Some people _can_ be bothered saving themselves when it comes to sex. Draw the conclusion. My conclusion is that if they want to do that, fine for them. But given that they have nothing to compare against, it’s hard to take any assertions that may make about how much better it is to wait in terms of specialness/goodness/etc. ---
**Author:** ![alterego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6bbea6/32.png) [@alterego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alterego)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/164 "2009-09-29T22:08:37Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > This [cite](http://books.google.com/books?id=kXeUfMXAm0wC&pg=PA137&lpg=PA137&dq=frequency+sexual+partners&source=bl&ots=pQygV5SpSv&sig=TUU0XOt77jUsh8ObiXOJnnQIXUE&hl=nl&ei=4dO4SvenAoWy-Abchf3IBQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=9#v=onepage&q=frequency%20sexual%20partners&f=false) says seronegative gay men have, on average, a lifetime number of sexual partners of 921 (mean) and 143 (median). I find that hard to believe. For an average life expectancy of 75 years that is an average of one _new_ partner per month. ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2009, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/165 "2009-09-30T04:03:07Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > All I’ve been saying is that not everyone feels the same way about that kebab as you do, while you’ve been insisting that your perception of the kebab is undeniable fact, so which one of us is deluded, dear? > > Like you said, \*some \*people prefer to save themselves. And that’s cool. But it doesn’t mean that the rest of us are delusional for not seeing things the same way you do. Kebab Slut! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2009, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/166 "2009-09-30T04:13:47Z")
> [@alterego](#): > > I find that hard to believe. For an average life expectancy of 75 years that is an average of one _new_ partner per month. Too low? ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2009, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/167 "2009-09-30T04:18:15Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > All I’ve been saying is that not everyone feels the same way about that kebab as you do, while you’ve been insisting that your perception of the kebab is undeniable fact, so which one of us is deluded, dear? > > Like you said, \*some \*people prefer to save themselves. And that’s cool. But it doesn’t mean that the rest of us are delusional for not seeing things the same way you do. She has drunk of the sex kebab Kool Aid. Some day she may appreciate the irony of what a waste saving oneself is. ---
**Author:** ![Telcontar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3bc359/32.png) [@Telcontar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telcontar)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2009, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/168 "2009-09-30T04:23:27Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > Apparently, the trend for both straight and gay people is that most people will have a limited number of sexual partners (up to 10 in a lifetime), but there are a few individuals who have a _lot_ more sexual partners, thus making the average number of partners much higher. So the median is a better indicator here then the mean number. > > This [cite](http://books.google.com/books?id=kXeUfMXAm0wC&pg=PA137&lpg=PA137&dq=frequency+sexual+partners&source=bl&ots=pQygV5SpSv&sig=TUU0XOt77jUsh8ObiXOJnnQIXUE&hl=nl&ei=4dO4SvenAoWy-Abchf3IBQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=9#v=onepage&q=frequency%20sexual%20partners&f=false) says seronegative gay men have, on average, a lifetime number of sexual partners of 921 (mean) and 143 (median). > > I couln’t find the numbers for straigt people easily. > > The OP’s 35 partners would be a bit high for me, straight woman in her forties. Anything over 15 would, I guess. Not really a dealbreaker, but certainly a red flag; would I be just another notch in the bedpost? > [@alterego](#): > > I find that hard to believe. For an average life expectancy of 75 years that is an average of one _new_ partner per month. Keep in mind that was a clinical population and therefore highly unrepresentative. ---
**Author:** ![KellyCriterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b3f665/32.png) [@KellyCriterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyCriterion)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2009, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/169 "2009-09-30T05:45:39Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Like you said, \*some \*people prefer to save themselves. And that’s cool. But it doesn’t mean that the rest of us are delusional for not seeing things the same way you do. _Here we go again.._ **DianaG** , I never suggested that people are delusional for not seeing things the way that I do. What I said was, if you think you are enjoying your favourite meal just as much as someone who’s been eating oatmeal all month, then you are delusional. It’s saying a lot about your position that you are simply unable to respond to what I am actually saying, but instead disingenuously twisting what I say further, and further, and further, until finally you’ve twisted it in to something much easier to defend against, but so far removed from what I initially said that your response is redundant. ---
**Author:** ![KellyCriterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b3f665/32.png) [@KellyCriterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyCriterion)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2009, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/170 "2009-09-30T05:50:04Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > But the point I was trying to make is that the kebab is not the only meal in the world – for some people, it’s not worth it to spend most of the time not getting any pleasure from eating just to wring a tiny bit more out of that one meal. But I’ve never denied this. I am simply saying that some people choose to save the most physically intimate act you can engage in solely for the person they love in order to heighten the experience. You keep responding by saying “but some people make a conscious, intelligent decision to not do this”, and I am saying “good on them, but it’s irrelevant”. Remember, I entered this thread to give my opinion as to what “too many partners” is. I explained that if you are someone who is saving yourself, you might be turned off by someone that has 30 sexual partners. It’s a mismatch of values. Not right or wrong, not one is better than the other, but a mismatch of values. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2009, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/171 "2009-09-30T13:05:51Z")
> [@KellyCriterion](#): > > **DianaG** , I never suggested that people are delusional for not seeing things the way that I do. What I said was, if you think you are enjoying your favourite meal just as much as someone who’s been eating oatmeal all month, then you are delusional. You really can’t see that there’s no difference between these two assertions, can you? I would maintain that some people would enjoy their favorite meal \*less \*after a month of oatmeal, far too likely to wolf it down and fail to appreciate the finer points. Time to drop the metaphor, kids. My previous enjoyment of sex with Ted does not in any way mitigate my current enjoyment of sex with Larry, and I don’t imagine it will dampen my enthusiasm for sex with my next partner. My relishing of sex on Monday does not in any way make sex on Tuesday old hat, and I’m already looking forward to Wednesday. There’s no doubt in my mind that it’s not that way for everyone, since I accept that my experiences are neither universal nor unique. I’m certain KellyCriterion won’t be convinced that I actually feel what _ **I** _ feel, and not what \*\*\*he \*\*\*feels, but I’m out now, since I’m tired of banging my head up against his profound failure of imagination. ---
**Author:** ![KellyCriterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b3f665/32.png) [@KellyCriterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyCriterion)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2009, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/172 "2009-09-30T13:25:36Z")
Oh dear, you’re still beating the drum of “but I still enjoy sex!” when I have gone to painful lengths to tell you that I don’t doubt it for a second? Yep, we’re done here. I suggest you spend the extra time honing your comprehension skills. ---
**Author:** ![Sebastienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Sebastienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sebastienne)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2009, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017/173 "2009-09-30T19:57:13Z")
I emphatically enjoy the regular sex I have now, as a slut with multiple partners, vastly more than the sex I had after saving myself for years for the person whom I believed would be my only partner. (And who was no slouch in bed, I hasten to add!) Those who are most able to appreciate fine wine didn’t get that way by never taking a sip in their life before breaking into the Domaine de la Romanee Conti. I find knowledge to be the greatest enhancer of any sensual experience. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-how-many-partners-is-too-many-partners/511017.md?page=8)