# So I guess I'm breaking up with my boyfiend. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 27, 2011, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850 "2011-04-27T02:05:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/141 "2011-04-29T16:38:45Z")
I’m also guessing you didn’t tell her about how he has made it clear for years that he has no intention of marrying you and that you have fundamentally incompatible religious views. That alone is a good reason to stop wasting your time on this relationship. Even if he does change his tune now, you have a six year track record of behavior to judge him by. Those six years? That’s when you saw the real him. I’d judge someone on six years vs. the way they act when they’re scared for the moment that they will get kicked out by their sugar mama. This dude doesn’t sound like the worst person in the world, but he sounds rather goofy, self-centered, and immature - like a kid who never really grew up. It sounds like he went straight from relying on his parents to relying on you. He needs a chance to live a real grown up life. Maybe then he’ll be a better partner for someone. In the meantime, you can find a nice man who wants to spoil you instead of expecting you to take care of him. It doesn’t have to be like this. My boyfriend works full time but still makes an effort to help out around the house doing things like laundry, cooking, cleaning, organizing things for me. If you look for a guy who has enough self respect and consideration to pull his own weight, I am confident you will be happier and your life will be easier. ---
**Author:** ![rogerbox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/76d3ee/32.png) [@rogerbox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rogerbox)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/142 "2011-04-29T16:40:52Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > I wouldn’t say this is necessarily the case. It could be that if she enters into an equal relationship with an adult (rather than a manchild), someone who pays his own way through life, that she won’t encounter this ever again. It could also be that she isn’t a good candidate for monogamy and might be better off trying open relationships from now on. It could be that he begs for sex and she’s sick of it, or that he doesn’t consistently fulfill her sexual needs. It could be purely a result of a drug interaction. > > The only sure thing is that neither you nor I appear to be licensed psychologists, and should probably leave those broad pronouncements and proposed treatments to a professional. Apparently you didn’t read my comment comprehensively. I didn’t say I KNEW what was causing it, I said SHE NEEDS TO FIGURE IT OUT. I didn’t have a broad pronouncement, my idea that she should start looking inside herself to figure out the reason is better than your suggestion to get with someone more responsible and hope for the best. ---
**Author:** ![rogerbox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/76d3ee/32.png) [@rogerbox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rogerbox)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/143 "2011-04-29T16:44:29Z")
> [@rogerbox](#): > > If you do end up breaking up with him you should probably use the time aftewards to date around more and try to figure out what caused the sex drive to die down, because even if you get started in a great relationship, unless he also shares your limited sex drive this will happen again. Re-reading my post, I meant more of “There’s no reason this COULDN’T just happen again”, I do see that I did actually seem to be making a definitive statement, but it wasn’t my intention. Unless she analyzes why it happened, she has no reason to think it won’t happen again, is what I meant to say. Apologies if this seems like weasling, but it’s truly what I meant. My mistake. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/144 "2011-04-29T17:01:59Z")
Okay, I’ve read the thread now - my one question to you, **Zsofia** , is what are you getting out of continuing a relationship with him? I firmly believe that human beings rarely if ever do things if they don’t get something out of it, no matter whether it’s healthy or not. Don’t give a quick, easy answer for this, either - look for the heart of the truth of why you’re with someone you don’t want to be with. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/145 "2011-04-29T17:02:37Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > I don’t disagree with this, but, seriously, wouldn’t it be better to do this with a little bit of distance (i.e. separation) between you two, just so you both can have a more neutral mental space to figure things out for yourselves? Personally, I find it hard to effect real, personal change when everything else in life is exactly the same as it was before. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here - really it feels like nothing happened except he’s super nice and keeps trying to give me backrubs. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/146 "2011-04-29T17:07:32Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > The thing is, he’s in denial about the whole thing - “we totally have chemistry!” and he’s going to try to talk me out of it and I’m afraid I’m going to fold again, like I’ve done at least twice so far. The weird thing is that I was with a guy like that for 3 years. And I thought (albeit briefly) that I had a low libido. He only started to say “I love you” and attempt to appear involved once I threatened to leave. You don’t have a low libido, you just have a low libido with him. And you’ve paid for everything for a long, long time and aren’t getting anything out of it anymore. It’s hard as hell to rip the band aid off - don’t let anyone tell you it’s not - but you can and you will do it. Be prepared for him trying to re-enter your life, because he will try. Also, ignore the naysayers that he’s an evil guy. He’s not. You’re smarter than that. He’s just lazy and you two aren’t compatible. He’s sweet and he’s been kind in the past but now you’re not happy and you have every right to feel that way. You just have to summon the mental fortitude during a time when all you want to do is lay on the couch and bury your head in the sand. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/147 "2011-04-29T17:13:14Z")
I’ll just toss this out there, but **Zsofia** have you thought about seeing a counselor by yourself? It sounds like you to want to talk about this, and if you’re going to talk about it then can’t hurt to do it with someone who does this for a living, and is professionally required to give you their full attention for an hour and to focus on you and your specific situation. Whatever you decide you have to be confident about your decision, and listening to a lot of people tell you what they think you should do does not always make you more sure that, sometimes it pushes you to come up with counterpoints and second-guess yourself. Anyhow, I do wish you well. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/148 "2011-04-29T17:14:55Z")
oops double post ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/149 "2011-04-29T17:47:10Z")
Yeah, I really need to go see somebody - between this and the whole thing with my evil brother and his awesome kids, no kidding. ---
**Author:** ![Necros](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/necros/32/11086_2.png) [@Necros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Necros)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/150 "2011-04-29T17:58:51Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here - really it feels like nothing happened except he’s super nice and keeps trying to give me backrubs. Right, being nice and giving backrubs is easy. Doing things like cleaning up the house, or starting to look for a full-time paying job, or making some sort of substantive change is hard. I also wonder what you are getting out of this relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/151 "2011-04-29T18:15:27Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > But consider the alternatives: you’d be alone. If that makes you happier, go for it. First off, count me in with those who think that if the situation was gender-reversed, the opinion of the OP’s partner would still be poor. However, I found the selected section worded very poorly. Of course it will make her unhappy to leave him - at first - or else she wouldn’t be waffling on this. She’s said he’s still her friend, and he cries when she talks about not loving him, wanting him to leave, and not feeling sexually attracted to him. I broke off a long-term, temporarily long-distance relationship with a guy who’d tell me he loved me but do nothing to work on good communication. It **hurt** like hell and it took me weeks to come to terms with what I had to do. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/152 "2011-04-29T18:26:14Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Yeah, I really need to go see somebody - between this and the whole thing with my evil brother and his awesome kids, no kidding. You’ve been doing a great job with the kids, FWIW. Seriously, coolest aunt everTM. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/153 "2011-04-29T18:32:43Z")
And **Sierra** , you may value his “friendship,” but he’s being a shitty friend. I suspect that if a platonic friend was your roommate, you’d be happy to ship him/her back to England and reclaim a clean, livable home. The problem is, he’s become a platonic friend… ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/154 "2011-04-29T18:41:04Z")
I don’t think the boyfiend is deliberately evil. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say he is selfishly emotionally abusing zsofia, perhaps unintentionally (but the fact that he knows he’s trying to keep her in a relationship she doesn’t want to be in–that’s not a good sign). He’s not good partner material in general, probably not for anybody until he can get his act together. In the same way that someone who still financially depends on their parents above the age of 30 is not a good partner. Does it make him a terrible person? Not by most peoples’ standards. Does it make good husband material? Hell farking no. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/155 "2011-04-29T18:41:12Z")
Sierra, obviously I am NOT the expert here but it seriously sounds like you need to kick him out. Otherwise, you’re just going to be stuck too. The guy went and had an emotional affair - he’s already checked out. Letting him stay with you isn’t going to help. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/156 "2011-04-29T18:59:29Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here - really it feels like nothing happened except he’s super nice and keeps trying to give me backrubs. Textbook Honeymoon Phase. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/157 "2011-04-29T19:03:00Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Textbook Honeymoon Phase. Yep, and obviously it never lasts long. ---
**Author:** ![PeskiPiksi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e495f1/32.png) [@PeskiPiksi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PeskiPiksi)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/158 "2011-04-29T19:18:07Z")
I vote for a “temporary” separation. I know from past experience it’s really, really hard to see things clearly when you’re right in the middle of the relationship and living together, in each others space all the time. Tell him he has to go live in the apartment for, say, a month, or whatever. Set rules for how often you see each other. If you can’t swing that, any possiblity you could take at least a vacation for a week or whatever? I just think you need to take a step back to get your head clear. It doesn’t mean that you will end up leaving him–you might not. You might sit and think about it and decide that you truly do love him and want to stay with him and work things out. Or you might not. Either way, at least you will have made a decision with a clear head, which I don’t think you’re going to be able to do with him in your face all the time. ---
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/159 "2011-04-29T19:33:42Z")
I agree with **PeskiPiksi** , at least do a separation, especially since you have an extra apartment available to you that he can go sleep in. Sleeping in the same bed is not going to make this easier for either of you. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2011, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850/160 "2011-04-29T19:36:13Z")
Well, there isn’t a bed over there. It’s currently his man cave. But yeah, I think that’s the right idea, if nothing else. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-guess-im-breaking-up-with-my-boyfiend/579850.md?page=9)