# So, I had a date. What now? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 29, 2004, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082 "2004-03-29T14:46:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tastes_of_chocolate/32/3232_2.png) [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/21 "2004-03-29T21:30:18Z")
I went through a long stretch at one point (ok 19-23 with 3 “real” dates. Lots of friends, just not dates). Then one day, I discovered that one of the guys I had known for 5+ years was really cute, and funny and sweet. Of course this happened after we moved 4 hundred miles apart. Someone has to support the phone companies. But we have now been together for over 10 years, and we are still in love, and better yet, still friends. So my vote is for giving it another shot. ---
**Author:** ![Gamaliel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b487fb/32.png) [@Gamaliel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gamaliel)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/22 "2004-03-29T21:47:01Z")
> [@Draelin](#): > > I think I’m terribly afraid of settling for someone I’m not really into just because I have no one else, and haven’t for a _loooong_ time. And because _every single person I know_ won’t leave me alone about it. My friends (most of whom are only hearing what they want to hear, i.e. “I had a date”) are ready to send out wedding invitations, my coworkers (one of whom originally set me up with him) are practically climbing the cubicle walls with glee. This is why I don’t share anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/23 "2004-03-29T21:56:51Z")
> [@Scuba\_Ben](#): > > I know I need to do something different… but with my recent history, a second date would be different in & of itself! Does anybody have any opinions about _Dating for Dummies_? I can’t give you an opinion on _Dating For Dummies_, but I _can_ give you a few basic ground rules. Keep in mind that there is no such thing as a “law of dating”, _especially_ for us fellas, because there will always be at least one woman who finds something that every other woman thinks is repugnant attractive. With that in mind, here are **Really All That Bright** ’s General Guidelines For Getting a First Date, Maybe a Second Date, and Possibly Even Closing “the Deal”: 1. Don’t talk about your exes. No matter what. If you’re asked a direct question, _answer it as concisely as possible and move on_. Don’t lie either; most women can smell BS before it ever leaves your mouth. 2. Keep your fingernails, facial hair, and (if applicable) nose and ear hair trimmed. Chicks often dig the “just got done replacing my carburettor” look, but they _never_ dig the “dirt under fingernails” look. Also, they look at your hands a lot, and crusty or overly long fingernails are a sure way to ensure they don’t decide they want _yours_ on them. 3. Be gentlemanly, but not obsequious (sic?). Open doors, pay for drinks, but don’t spend obscene amounts of money, and don’t do that ridiculous “lay coat over a puddle” stuff. You’ll look desperate. 4. Instead of asking for _her_ number, offer her yours. I don’t really have a rationale for this, but it works- if she wants to see you/talk to you again, she’ll instead offer her yours, and if she doesn’t, you won’t have to worry about leaving a message and not getting a call back. 5. Don’t be too forthcoming; answer her questions (preferably with something that isn’t “yes” or “no”), but don’t volunteer information she hasn’t asked for _unless_ it involves seeing her again. For example, if she mentions being an avid concertgoer, and you happen to be planning to go see Peter, Paul, and Mary, or whatever, say so- and invite her. Is there anything in there you aren’t doing already? ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/24 "2004-03-29T22:11:46Z")
Thanks a lot, everyone! I appreciate the help. Now, for a few responses … **Gamaliel,** a coworker set us up, so of course the _whole office_ knows. :o **whiterabbit** , I’ve never had to give THE SPEECH, so I’m terrified. I just got offered an easy way out, though. My coworker said that Mr. Date is going to call her tonight to find out what I said about him, and did I want her to just break the news? I decided to say no. I agreed to a second date, and I’m going to go on it, give him another shot. And I have to be a grownup about this. If I have _her_ tell him I’m not interested, that’s worse than having someone pass him an anonymous note in Study Hall. **Scuba\_Ben** , I agree with the not falling for someone because they’re all that’s currently available. Problem is, I’ve got a friend who’s trying to get me to do just that. _sigh_ **Dublos** , there was a goodnight half-hug/cheek-kiss, but that’s it. I felt no different than if I had said goodnight to my brother, and that’s a _bad_ sign, in my book. I’m a relatively tactile person, too, and the fact that I didn’t want to touch him at all doesn’t bode too well for me. And the idea of an actual kiss is not at all appealing to me. Unfortunate, but the hard truth. As for today’s developments, we decided that tomorrow we’re going for dinner, then to browse through all the little shops in a trendy strip of what’s becoming a trendy town. The highlight of the evening is going to be the used bookstore. (And that’s not being sarcastic, I’m actually quite excited about the bookstore, and so is he.) That’s different enough that I think it qualifies for **Really Not etc.**. But in my opinion, there have been _far_ too many emails today. It’s vaguely creepy, in fact, and it makes me glad that I’m meeting him there and he still won’t know where I live. I’ll let you know what happens on Wednesday! 🙂 Thanks again, everyone. ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/25 "2004-03-29T22:18:14Z")
> [@Draelin](#): > > The highlight of the evening is going to be the used bookstore. (And that’s not being sarcastic, I’m actually quite excited about the bookstore, and so is he.) That’s a big plus, IMHO. Someone who likes to read and hang out in bookstores has potential. I will drop a person like a hot rock if they utter the phrase “I don’t really like to read.” It sounds like he’s buddy material even if not romantic material. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/26 "2004-03-29T22:27:24Z")
Give it a couple of shots. If he isn’t the one, he could be a very good friend in the long run. And he could help you move in the future. Furniture. Dead bodies. Possibly a dead body in furniture. Always helpful to have a male type around for the peon…errr…dirty work. Have fun and relax. Shirley Who hasn’t been on a date in 15 years. (Mr. Ujest won’t let me torture another man. Sheesh.) ---
**Author:** ![Slainte](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Slainte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slainte)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/27 "2004-03-29T23:40:02Z")
> [@Homebrew](#): > > I’m of two minds on this. First, there is absolutely nothing wrong with holding out for the right person. As a confirmed [Quirkyalone](http://quirkyalone.net/qa/), I believe that it is better to be alone and available than locked in a mediocre relationship just to not be single. Wow. I was reading this thread and **Quirkyalone** popped into my mind, then I saw your post. I started reading the book a few days ago. Great minds think alike. **Draelin** , good luck either way you go. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2004, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/28 "2004-03-30T01:09:15Z")
> [@Draelin](#): > > That’s different enough that I think it qualifies for **Really Not etc.**. [Mills Lane] I’ll allow it! [/Mills Lane] Incidentally, I kinda like **Really Not etc.** 🙂 Good luck **Drae**! ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2004, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/29 "2004-03-30T03:33:05Z")
**Really Not _etc._** , thanks for the guidelines. In my experience of the past few months, I do not recall even a single instance where I gave a lady my number, and she called me first (whether or not I got her number). I’ve had the occasional temptation to hunt people down at later events and say to them, “You never called me – you’re not serious about dating!” :mad: Fortunately, I have enough common sense to recognize that _that_ line is on the list of Bad Things To Say To Anyone On The Dating Circuit[sup]TM[/sup]. My best guess is, I just don’t grab their interest at first contact. It’s something I’m working on. (Along with that anger issue.) ---
**Author:** ![Sinshine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Sinshine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sinshine)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2004, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/30 "2004-03-30T03:55:46Z")
> [@Really Not All That Bright](#): > > With that in mind, here are **Really All That Bright** ’s General Guidelines … > > 1. Don’t talk about your exes. No matter what. If you’re asked a direct question, _answer it as concisely as possible and move on_. Don’t lie either; most women can smell BS before it ever leaves your mouth. True. Good etiquette regardless of who is following it. Exes were not invited along, or they would be sitting at the table. > [@](#): > > 1. Keep your fingernails, facial hair, and (if applicable) nose and ear hair trimmed. Chicks often dig the “just got done replacing my carburettor” look, but they _never_ dig the “dirt under fingernails” look. Also, they look at your hands a lot, and crusty or overly long fingernails are a sure way to ensure they don’t decide they want _yours_ on them. Also true. > [@](#): > > 1. Be gentlemanly, but not obsequious (sic?). Open doors, pay for drinks, but don’t spend obscene amounts of money, and don’t do that ridiculous “lay coat over a puddle” stuff. You’ll look desperate. Yes!! - Obsequious is creepy. Desperate is creepy. Too much money also reeks of the attitude, “I paid for dinner, and dammit I want my money’s worth!!” > [@](#): > > 1. Instead of asking for _her_ number, offer her yours. I don’t really have a rationale for this, but it works- if she wants to see you/talk to you again, she’ll instead offer her yours, and if she doesn’t, you won’t have to worry about leaving a message and not getting a call back. As a single woman living alone, I don’t give out my number to guys; I ALWAYS ask for theirs. I might not know if this person is psychotic right away, but no sense in letting them find me until I’m sure they’re not. > [@](#): > > 1. Don’t be too forthcoming; answer her questions (preferably with something that isn’t “yes” or “no”), but don’t volunteer information she hasn’t asked for _unless_ it involves seeing her again. For example, if she mentions being an avid concertgoer, and you happen to be planning to go see Peter, Paul, and Mary, or whatever, say so- and invite her. Okay, I can’t respond to this. A guy who can’t carry the ball conversationally isn’t going to last long with me, and I have no patience for pulling teeth. > [@](#): > > Is there anything in there you aren’t doing already? Other than actively dating, no. I’m good. ---
**Author:** ![Cardinal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardinal/32/4000_2.png) [@Cardinal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardinal)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2004, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/31 "2004-03-30T21:14:21Z")
Got the t-shirt on from the “In it for lack of better options” tour. My advice to you and myself is, “Don’t do anything you don’t mean.” If you feel like just hanging out, do that. If you don’t want to hold hands, then don’t. If you don’t feel like that crosses an official “we’re together” line, but still don’t want to kiss, then hold hands but don’t kiss. I even have something of a speech worked up for when the situation presents itself again. I’ll be in a relationship when I want to, and not a moment before, no matter what. ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2004, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/32 "2004-03-30T22:06:10Z")
Ooh, what’s the speech? Date #2 tonight … and I _really_ don’t want to go. I won’t back out now, but I get the feeling I’m not going to be such great company. ---
**Author:** ![Cardinal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardinal/32/4000_2.png) [@Cardinal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardinal)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2004, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/33 "2004-03-30T23:12:34Z")
The speech is basically that I’ve been through the situation of going through the motions, and I’m not going to do it ever again. Pointedly going on dates is a difficult situation, because you aren’t able to just get to know each other off the record. This means that all arrangements are an "official’ deal, and ---
**Author:** ![Cardinal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardinal/32/4000_2.png) [@Cardinal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardinal)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2004, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/34 "2004-03-30T23:32:28Z")
I have no idea what happened there. Continuing: cessation of activities is an official deal too. Things can’t just sort of slide off as easily, and each person probably deserves a statement that it’s not going to work instead of having to figure it out. Having to state everything, and having every activity be some sort of statement about continuing in the "relationship’ such as it is makes things hard. So I’d say, “I know it’s difficult to do things this way, but I’m dealing with it by treating everyone fairly. No intentions are implied without being expressed. When I mean to do something, I’ll do it. I’m very concious that certain actions mean things, and I’m not going to do them until I mean them. I ask you to do the same. I’ve already hurt someone by doing things that I didn’t really mean, and I’m not EVER going to do it again. I ask you to have the same attitude.” ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/35 "2004-03-31T02:30:11Z")
Date Two is complete. And I’m even _less_ interested than I was after Date One. _sigh_ Oh, well. At least I’ve proven to myself that I am capable of dating. I didn’t actually tell him I didn’t want to date anymore, there just didn’t seem to be a good moment to do it. (I know, I know, what’s a good moment to stomp on someone’s ego?) I think he may have begun to pick up on my oh-so-subtle hints, but I’ll probably have to, as my friend put it, kick him to the curb at a later date. I went into the evening trying to concentrate on the one thing that really prevented me from wanting to go further–attraction. And I pretty much cringed at the thought of so much as a kiss. In fact, when I stretched my neck for a second and he mentioned (rather creepily, I thought) that he had been trained in massage, I actually told him that I _don’t like to be touched_, the only way I could think of to keep him from coming over to my side of the table and laying hands on me. So ends this installment of my love life. It’ll probably be another two years before it picks up again, but this is the electronic age, woman can survive on battery power alone. 😉 Thanks again for all of your input. **Cardinal** , I’m going to borrow from that speech when I need it, if you don’t mind. Now, I’m going to do what I really _wanted_ to do tonight, which is sit on the couch in my jammies and watch a bad horror movie. [rock star voice]Thank you and goodnight![/rock star voice] ---
**Author:** ![Cardinal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardinal/32/4000_2.png) [@Cardinal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardinal)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/36 "2004-03-31T02:52:48Z")
Wow, I had an actual impact on this board. [Fans face with hand to counteract flush of emotion] ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/37 "2004-03-31T02:57:54Z")
I think when you turn down any future dates he’ll get the message, **Draelin**. That’s my preferred method for curb-kicking (cause I had to do it soooo often, don’tcha know). That quirkyalone site was interesting. Turns out I’m even luckier than I thought - I’m a quirkytogether. I met Mr. Quirkyalone (at 33, of course), and now we’re happily married quirkyalones. The best advice I can give you from someone who never thought it would happen for them is that when it does happen, it’s just so damned easy. We met, we liked each other, it all fell into place - no agonizing, no drama, no wondering. Relationships take work to keep them going properly, but the initial attraction and all shouldn’t. As for your attractiveness, you’ll find someone on the same attractiveness level as you, and you’ll both think the other is great. ---
**Author:** ![Critical\_Mass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f1d935/32.png) [@Critical\_Mass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Critical_Mass)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/38 "2004-03-31T03:07:23Z")
Well, so much for dating vicariously. This was going to be fun - “Dating with Draelin” I can’t wait a couple of years for your love life to pick up again! Seriously, though - better luck next time. There are plenty of fish in the sea. - insert your dating metaphor here - ---
**Author:** ![Cardinal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardinal/32/4000_2.png) [@Cardinal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardinal)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/39 "2004-03-31T03:11:56Z")
My other piece of advice (that I’m trying to take myself) is: Get out there. You can’t score if you don’t take the shot. You’re trying to hit a bullseye, and if you’re intent on hitting it, you’ll have to shoot until you do. Sitting around and complaining that the bullseye isn’t hitting you is just whining. Hear, that, Cardinal? ---
**Author:** ![Sparky1244](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Sparky1244](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky1244)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2004, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082/40 "2004-03-31T03:15:16Z")
Yeah, dates always have a way of working themselves out. If you’re not so sure at first, a few more dates will make it clear one way or another. You may as well give it a try. At least then I know for sure he’s a “no”, with no regrets. And just for the record, I give up. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-a-date-what-now/237082.md?page=3)