# So, I had "the talk" with my 12 year old daughter. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 30, 2010, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-the-talk-with-my-12-year-old-daughter/534299 "2010-03-30T03:09:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-the-talk-with-my-12-year-old-daughter/534299/41 "2010-03-31T04:36:15Z")
> [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](#): > > Hung you from a tree in the yard? What, did your family worship Odin? No, it would have given them more room to swing the baseball bat. No pinata, just good, old-fashioned religious beat-the-shit-out-of-anyone-who-disagrees-with-you stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-the-talk-with-my-12-year-old-daughter/534299/42 "2010-03-31T05:06:33Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > Smart kid. And kudos for you for your openness with her. My parents would have hung me by one leg from a tree in the front yard if I had tried to tell them that I discovered religion was a lie when I was in my early teens. I suspect that this the reason many people are a hollow shell of a Christian. Too scared to grow a pair and say what is really inside. And so the cycle goes… ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-the-talk-with-my-12-year-old-daughter/534299/43 "2010-03-31T05:07:44Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > No, it would have given them more room to swing the baseball bat. No pinata, just good, old-fashioned religious beat-the-shit-out-of-anyone-who-disagrees-with-you stuff. Whoa, that sounds like a COOL religion!!! 😛 (I think what the OP meant is not have respect for all beliefs or whatever – so opened-minded your brain falls out – but more treat everyone with respect. Don’t be an asshole to someone just because they believe differently) ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Mondegreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/91b2a8/32.png) [@Lord\_Mondegreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Mondegreen)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-the-talk-with-my-12-year-old-daughter/534299/44 "2010-03-31T05:17:10Z")
I’m surprised you got away with not sharing your (lack of) beliefs for so long. My 7 year old asked me ages ago whether God was real. [Interestingly enough, she hasn’t asked about Santa yet, although she told me the other day that the Easter Bunny doesn’t exist.] My response about God was that lots of people believe He exists and lots don’t, and there’s no way to prove it either way. She asked whether I believed. I told her I didn’t, but that everyone needs to make up their own minds. We ended on somewhat of a “To be continued …” note. As to the “other” talk, I’m no expert but 12 sounds really old not to have had that one. I’m getting worried that 7 might be a bit late for the basic introductory talk, but certainly by 12 there are practical reasons for her to be at least as clued up as the 12 year old boys in her class. Just out of interest, when were you planning on having the other talk? ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-the-talk-with-my-12-year-old-daughter/534299/45 "2010-03-31T05:36:45Z")
> [@Grumman](#): > > If she’s going to feign respect for her beliefs, it will be for her mother’s sake, not because the beliefs themselves have the slightest merit. What is the redeeming value of this act? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-the-talk-with-my-12-year-old-daughter/534299/46 "2010-03-31T12:32:59Z")
> [@Claude\_Remains](#): > > I suspect that this the reason many people are a hollow shell of a Christian. Too scared to grow a pair and say what is really inside. And so the cycle goes… > [@Claude\_Remains](#): > > What is the redeeming value of this act? Apparently you missed my mod note: Let me quote it again for you. > [@twickster](#): > > Take the debate to Great Debates, please. This is MPSIMS. The topic here is “discussing major issues with your kids,” not what the content of those discussions is or should be according to your own beliefs. > > **twickster** , MPSIMS moderator \*\*Take any debates about religion to GD. \*\* ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-the-talk-with-my-12-year-old-daughter/534299/47 "2010-03-31T12:51:50Z")
I got no dog in the religion/atheism fight (though the list of “infinite possibilities” sounds like it really boils down to two possibilities, one of which has infinite variations of detail), but I agree with others that 12 is too old not to have had the other talk. To be quite crude, if she’s old enough to bleed, she’s old enough to breed, and 12 is prime bleeding age. Have the talk with her, please–you’re too young to be a grandpa. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-the-talk-with-my-12-year-old-daughter/534299/48 "2010-03-31T14:07:34Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > On the other hand, methinks the two of you WON’T be seeing eye-to-eye when the other “talk” rolls around. I actually think this other talk might work to the OP’s advantage, assuming the wife hasn’t already covered it. There’s usually at least a few mumbles around or leading up to the first period. If he doesn’t know what they’re being taught about sex in school (he should), then he can probably move into Catholic views on birth control (versus his own) and then premarital sex in general. Hopefully if she’s an independent thinker then that extends to other parts of her life – including reproductive choice, sexual agency and seeing through obnoxious, horny boys. ---
**Author:** ![Kinthalis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kinthalis/32/16084_2.png) [@Kinthalis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kinthalis)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-the-talk-with-my-12-year-old-daughter/534299/49 "2010-03-31T14:59:44Z")
I’ll just pop in to say, good for your daughter, Tisk to you for not having had the other talk yet (what are you waiting for, grandkids?), and to add one small point on the whole irreverancy towards theists. I think the main issue discussed above is whether to be or not to be a dick. But the real issue is what exactly is being rude and what is not. I had a theists friend grow very irate with me because I dared question some of the stories in the bible when he was relating them as historical facts at a dinner party. I told him about the very different picture modern archeology, anthropology and history tell and he thought by doing so I was being a dick. And that is the issue. To many theists saying anything at all that contradicts their beliefs is being a dick/disrespectful. The context does not matter. But to someone like me (and I suspect many of you) the context matters a lot. If at that dinner party, when my friend was discussing the tenderness of the lamb roast I had jumped up form my seat and screamed: “You blathering, drooling idiot! Here’s what I think of your precious bible!” And proceeded to set it ablaze, then I would have been a dick. More realistically, if I were to continually inject discussions about facts, science and rational logic vs religious belief into every conversation I had with the guy, heedless of the topic at hand or the context of our discussion, I’d be crossing the dick line, IMHO. What happens when your wife tells her that she shouldn’t have sex until marriage because that is what god wants? How is she supposed to answer that in light of her own view of the world without seeming rude/impertinent to her mother? What happens when a number of other subjects come up on which your wife is likely to have formed an opinion on based on her religious beliefs? She’s catholic, isn’t she? How does she feel about contraceptives. What is that going to do to your sex talk and the subject of condoms comes up? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-the-talk-with-my-12-year-old-daughter/534299/50 "2010-03-31T15:56:48Z")
> [@Lord\_Mondegreen](#): > > I’m surprised you got away with not sharing your (lack of) beliefs for so long. \ It might be from being Canadian; religion is considered private here. I don’t know the religion of anyone peripheral to my life (like doctors, dentists, or politicians) and I don’t ask them. I grew up with parents from two different religions (Anglican and Mennonite) and religion was never discussed. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Lurker\_Above](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dc4da7/32.png) [@The\_Lurker\_Above](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Lurker_Above)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-the-talk-with-my-12-year-old-daughter/534299/51 "2010-03-31T18:47:07Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > It might be from being Canadian; religion is considered private here. I don’t know the religion of anyone peripheral to my life (like doctors, dentists, or politicians) and I don’t ask them. I grew up with parents from two different religions (Anglican and Mennonite) and religion was never discussed. Yes, very Canadian. I only know the religious views of about half my immediate family. It’s not that religions are deep dark secrets in Canada, but it’s crass to be too explicit about it in conversation. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Mondegreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/91b2a8/32.png) [@Lord\_Mondegreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Mondegreen)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2010, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-the-talk-with-my-12-year-old-daughter/534299/52 "2010-04-01T02:20:41Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > It might be from being Canadian; religion is considered private here. Interesting. I tend to find here (Australia) that there is less concern with what one’s religious views are. Therefore if it happens to crop up, more people are likely to make their views known. I have a feeling you are much more likely be discriminated against because of the football team you support, rather than because of your religion. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Perciful](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Perciful](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Perciful)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2010, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-the-talk-with-my-12-year-old-daughter/534299/53 "2010-04-01T03:20:27Z")
My parents made me go to church until I completed my sacraments. I did the same with my kids. My daughter became a progressive christian in Young Life in HS. My son is still catholic. I am the only catholic out of my 3 sibs. My mom said she felt bad about it but I told her we are all different and not everyone that is called is chosen. I really feel that God picked me and not the other way around. My job as a parent was just to raise them in the faith but at a certain point they make up their own minds about what they believe. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2010, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-the-talk-with-my-12-year-old-daughter/534299/54 "2010-04-01T03:55:03Z")
> [@Kinthalis](#): > > She’s catholic, isn’t she? How does she feel about contraceptives. What is that going to do to your sex talk and the subject of condoms comes up? Well, she didn’t seem to mind marrying an atheist, so she can’t be that hardcore. As for as THE Talk, it would probably be best for Mom to do it. I know when I was that age, I’d have died if I had to discuss sex with my father. I didn’t even want him to know I had my period. (No, it wasn’t out of shame, or because I wasn’t close to my dad or anything. Just because it was more of a “girl thing”) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-had-the-talk-with-my-12-year-old-daughter/534299.md?page=2)