# So I Have a Son (3) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 25, 2004, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009 "2004-05-25T16:21:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ccd318/32.png) [@Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paul_in_Qatar)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/1 "2004-05-25T16:21:52Z")
Well, my wife called my at 01.30 my time this morning to announce the DNA tests had arrived in Panama. I am not the boy’s father. How do I feel? I feel _everything_, happy, sad, proud and ashamed. I am still all confused. A couple of notes. First, on the power of Group-Think. Francisco, my wife, her dad and I met at the buffet at the El Panama. While he was away loading up on shrimp, Don Homero told me “Paul, you do not need a DNA test, he is your son, I am sure.” Homero wanted it to be true, so did I, so did Francisco. We all reinforced each other and came to the wrong conclusion together. Next, I did not handle this well. In my fog of belief, I took the young man out shopping for school supplies, on a tour of the canal and some other things. We established a bond that now cannot be. I should have remained more calm and detached. He has finished his trips to the dentist (he had been opening beer bottles with his teeth) and of course I will pay for that. I also have to pay the lawyers to cancel some legalisms I ordered started in a fit of enthusiasm. I will also pay for the rest of Francisco’s school year at the private high school I got him in. That seems only fair. I have also asked my lawyers to have his mother break the bad news to him. She was even worse than me in building the kid up. It will be hard for him, but the truth is the best way to go. I appreciate everyone’s kind words on the previous two threads on this subject. I am going to bed. Sleep helps sort out one’ s thoughts. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/2 "2004-05-25T16:35:43Z")
I can’t think of a scenario where there would be more conflicting emotions. If it’s not a financial strain (not sure what private school cost is in Panama) you might think about funding the private school bit for another year or two until graduation. Even if you’re not his real dad it wouod be a good dead beyond measure. Out of curiosity, what did his mom say? Do you feel this was a genuine presumption of your paternity on her part, or do you feel you were being partially played by her, given that she had to know the possibility you might not be the dad as she was (apparently) bopping someone else at the time? Did she say you _might_ be the dad or that you WERE the dad? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/3 "2004-05-25T17:40:57Z")
Ah, **Paul** , you must be feeling some serious emotional whiplash. Best wishes going out to you and everyone concerned – I know you’ll move on from this treating everyone fairly and honorably. ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/4 "2004-05-25T18:29:55Z")
**Paul** , even if you are not the boy’s father, you stepped up admirably to the plate during the time you thought you might be. You’ve shown him kindness and generosity and he will certainly always be grateful for that. Do not chide yourself for being rash; be proud of yourself for acting like you feel a father should. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/5 "2004-05-25T18:35:59Z")
I agree. That kind of kindness and sense of responsibility can be hard to find in a situation like that. Think of the people who would rather drag it to Jerry Springer than to grab the bull by the horns. You may not be his biological dad, but I bet he never forgets you. You’re one of the good guys. 🆒 (Incidently, there’s no reason you can’t still remain friends…) ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/6 "2004-05-25T18:41:30Z")
> [@](#): > > We established a bond that now cannot be. Paul, I say this will all due respect, as you are a fantastic poster whose posts I really value and look forward to: bullshit. Any jackass with a half-functioning testicle can be a father. But any bond or relationship that you make is yours for as long as you want it to exist, and you can assign any value or definition to it that you like, be it “father”, “friend”, or “foe”. Your actions to this point have made you a father that no DNA test can define. ---
**Author:** ![monica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a183cd/32.png) [@monica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monica)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/7 "2004-05-25T19:15:52Z")
Just because there is no biological relationship in no way means that there can be no bond between you. Why can’t you still be friends? ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/8 "2004-05-25T19:31:28Z")
**Paul** , thru out this you seem to have acted with a great deal of honor. May I respectfully suggest that to continue to treat this kid with friendship would be an act of enormous kindness? If it is any of my business, which it isn’t. God bless you with wisdom as He has blessed you with honor. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/9 "2004-05-25T20:03:07Z")
After so many eloquent posts, it seems so lame to just say “ditto”, so I will confine my remarks to- “Yeah man, what they said.” You seem like a good man. Keep doing what your heart tells you. So what if you aren’t the sperm donor? You sure sound like this kid’s best chance for a real dad. It’s none of my business, of course, but this being a message board, I can’t resist the urge to post! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/10 "2004-05-25T20:30:57Z")
> [@Paul in Saudi](#): > > We established a bond that now cannot be. Bunkum. Bullshit. Tell that to any foster-parent and see if you survive. Anyone with a dick can father a child. It takes_effort and love_ to be a parent. Never mind his mother; you’ve set him a hell of an example. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/11 "2004-05-25T20:41:40Z")
[Warning over killer swan](http://www.thisislondon.com/til/jsp/modules/Article/print.jsp?itemId=10958632) > [@](#): > > Pet owners have been warned to keep their animals under control after two dogs were killed by a territorial swan in a park lake. > > Mansfield District Council said a dog was drowned last week by a cob while playing in the Carrs park in Warsop, Nottinghamshire. The the swan felt threatened after the dog dived into the pond and attacked the animal to protect his family. The incident is thought to be the second such death, after a dog was found drowned in the same pond two weeks ago. A member of the council’s parks department found the dog in the water. > > On Sunday, a swan was attacked and badly injured by a dog on Berry Hill Park, in Mansfield. Council cabinet leisure spokesman Councillor Danny McCrossan said: "These are quite frightening incidents and we are keen to warn dog owners that it is important in any public space to keep your dog under control. > > “There are swans at many of our parks and open spaces, dog owners need to be vigilant at all parks and open spaces.” > > RSPCA east region superintendent Tim Wass said: "In our experience this is a highly unusual incident and the first of its kind that I have heard of in 18 years with the RSPCA. > > “Swans can be parentally and territorially defensive, as can many animals if they feel threatened, and it’s important that the public respect their environment and make sure that domestic animals do not come into direct contact with wildlife.” ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/12 "2004-05-25T20:47:43Z")
> [@astro](#): > > [Warning over killer swan](http://www.thisislondon.com/til/jsp/modules/Article/print.jsp?itemId=10958632) Oh for God’s sake! Would a mod please move the previous post and this comment out of this thread. So sorry. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/13 "2004-05-25T20:57:49Z")
Uh, excuse me while I step around the killer swan… My stepfather often told me I was the son he thought he never wanted; he had a vasectomy as a young man. Even after my mom divorced him, I still saw him regularly, right up until he died a few years ago. So don’t discount this relationship just because you don’t share any genes. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/14 "2004-05-25T21:23:26Z")
I’m available for Adoption. $600.00 a month or a minimum car, house, credit card payment (which ever one is higher that will alleviate the blinding financial pain that I have wrought upon myself.) and I am yours to take to the zoo and Chucky Cheeses. Bonus: You get to be an instant grandfather. Ohhh, look , is that a gray hair in Paul’s head? Detractors: I am probably no longer Tax Deductible and am past my sell-by date. I promise to never kick the back of your seat on long car rides. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/15 "2004-05-25T21:48:02Z")
What everybody else says…being a dad is an emotional thing, being a parental unit is a sperm donor thing…If you have a bond towards him, keep it. A ‘chosen son’ friendship is wonderful. Like the others, make room in your life for him, he will have a great example to grow up like. If it isn’t too much of a burden, make some provision for an education, keep contact with him, perhaps if he choses it sponsor him into the US [is that still possible or does there have to be a genetic link?] ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/16 "2004-05-25T22:39:18Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > if he choses it sponsor him into the US [is that still possible or does there have to be a genetic link?] If there’s no genetic link, then there has to be a legal adoption, and IIRC before he reaches the age of 16. ---
**Author:** ![Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ccd318/32.png) [@Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paul_in_Qatar)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/17 "2004-05-26T02:06:16Z")
Well, I am back awake now. I am still sorting out my emotions. I will certainly sponsor young Francisco through high school. The cost is quite low, and besides money is not really an issue. What is an issue is the relationship with my wife. She (like the rest of us) thought I had fathered a child with another woman. Since our biology will no long let us be parents, that made her very jealous. My first goal will be to patch up and maintain my situation with her. After that I can devote whatever time I can to Francisco. As I said, the money is a minor thing. I will keep you posted as events might require. Thank you all. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/18 "2004-05-26T03:09:21Z")
Paul, you are a class act. ---
**Author:** ![rocking\_chair](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocking_chair/32/2918_2.png) [@rocking\_chair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rocking_chair)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/19 "2004-05-27T00:41:51Z")
paul, i’m sorry. i’m glad you will keep in contact. the best to you and your wife. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009/20 "2004-05-27T00:50:06Z")
I’d just like to second the comment made by **Shirley**. Perhaps you don’t have a son. Perhaps you do (it’s pretty obvious that you’re a good father figure, whether or not you’re technically a father). Either way, you made a friend. Hats off to you, my good man. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-have-a-son-3/247009.md?page=2)