# So I went to the eye doctor today... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 27, 2004, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162 "2004-07-27T21:52:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162/21 "2004-08-16T22:48:36Z")
And we took a ride on the train. Now Brother’d never been on a train before. And there was a man there sellin’ nanners. I bought one for Brother, but he’d never et a nanner, and he asked me how to eat it. The man acrost the aisle had one, and I told Brother to just do what he was doing. Right about then, the train went into a tunnel. When it came out, the other man had finished his nanner, but Brother still had his. I said, “Ain’t you gonna eat the rest of it?” “I don’t think so, I took one bite, and I went stone blind!” Minnie Pearl claimed that was the first joke she ever told on stage. ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162/22 "2004-08-16T23:09:40Z")
> [@Shirley Ujest](#): > > What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? > > Taste. What’s the difference between dentistry and gynecology? Teeth. ---
**Author:** ![mr\_moonlight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9f8e36/32.png) [@mr\_moonlight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mr_moonlight)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162/23 "2004-08-16T23:40:14Z")
Doctor: I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you have Alzheimer’s. Patient: Well thank God I don’t have cancer! ---
**Author:** ![smartini](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/22d042/32.png) [@smartini](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smartini)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162/24 "2004-08-17T02:53:02Z")
Professor: “The assignment is to write a story using all the elements of good fiction. You must include religion and sex and mystery.” smartini’s story: “Oh my god!! I’m pregnant! I wonder who the father is?” ---
**Author:** ![Airman\_Doors\_USAF](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e36b37/32.png) [@Airman\_Doors\_USAF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Airman_Doors_USAF)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162/25 "2004-08-17T07:28:35Z")
> [@vunderbob](#): > > “Mommy, Mommy, I’m tired of walking in a circle.” > > “Shaddap, or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!” “Mommy, mommy, why is daddy running away?” “Shaddap, kid, and keep shooting.” ---
**Author:** ![nocturnal\_tick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3d9bf3/32.png) [@nocturnal\_tick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nocturnal_tick)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162/26 "2004-08-17T11:42:01Z")
Two men sitting in a doctor’s office, both so nervous that they are sweating bullets. One turns to the other and asks, “What are you in for?” The other man replies, “I woke up this morning and found this red ring around my penis.” The first man is astonished, “I’m exactly the same, only I have a green ring!” The two men get to talking until the doctor calls in the second man. A few minutes pass and with a bit of laughter the man and the doctor walk out, the man giving his new friend the thumbs up. The first man is feeling a little more confident now, and follows the doctor back into his office. His drops his pants and shows him his ailment and the doctor says, “Oh dear, I’m afraid we’ll have to cut it off.” “WHAT,” says the man, “But your last patient had the same as me and he came out laughing” “The last man had lipstick on his penis,” said the doctor, “You have gangrene.” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162/27 "2004-08-17T12:35:44Z")
I’ll make love to you like nobody’s ever made love to you before. You mean lying down? ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162/28 "2004-08-17T12:47:47Z")
**He** : “My darling! Tell me, I need to hear those three words that will make me dance on air!” **She** : “… Go hang yourself.” ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162/29 "2004-08-17T14:10:29Z")
> [@Airman Doors](#): > > “Mommy, mommy, why is daddy running away?” > > “Shaddap, kid, and keep shooting.” “Mommy, Mommy, I hate my sister’s guts!” “Shaddup, or you’ll eat her brains, too.” ---
**Author:** ![Satchmo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/satchmo/32/4223_2.png) [@Satchmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satchmo)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162/30 "2004-08-17T20:47:55Z")
My girlfriend thinks I’m too nosy and don’t respect her privacy. At least that’s what she keeps scribbling in her diary. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162/31 "2004-08-17T21:12:17Z")
So I was sailing into New York Harbor, coming to this country with my brother Pat, and we were discussing what we were most interested in seeing as our first sight of America. Pat said, “Aren’t you just itching for your first glimpse of the Statue of Liberty, Mike?” “I’m sure that’ll be a fine sight, Pat” I said, “but what I really want to see is the Ex-Lax billboard. I understand that it says ’Makes You Feel Young Again.’” We came into the harbor, and he saw his statue, and I saw my sign, and we got ourselves processed at Ellis Island. Once we were turned loose on America, I found a drugstore and bought myself a packet of Ex-Lax (chocolate-flavored – yummy!), then Pat and I took ourselves off to see some more of the sights. While we rode the Staten Island Ferry, Pat turned to me and said, “So Mike, you’ve seen the sign, and you’ve sampled the goods. Tell me, do you feel any younger yet?” “Not exactly,” I replied. “But I’ve just done something very childish.” ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162/32 "2004-08-17T21:57:09Z")
If my girlfriend calls me “passive-aggressive” one more time, I’m gonna get back at her in ways she won’t even realize. ---
**Author:** ![MizQuirk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/94ad74/32.png) [@MizQuirk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MizQuirk)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2004, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162/33 "2004-08-18T02:14:26Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > I’ll make love to you like nobody’s ever made love to you before. > > You mean lying down? In days of old When knights were bold And women weren’t particular, They backed them up against a wall And screwed them perpendicular ---
**Author:** ![Albert\_Rose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9de053/32.png) [@Albert\_Rose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Albert_Rose)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162/34 "2005-12-30T19:07:03Z")
**Teacher** :Okay, class, time for share story time. Johnny? **Little Johnny** : My brother went to Iraq and got shot in the ass. **Teacher** : Wait! No, not ass, rectum. **Little Johnny** : Rectum? Shit, it killed him! ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162/35 "2005-12-30T19:24:08Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > I’ll make love to you like nobody’s ever made love to you before. > > You mean lying down? How come you never tell me when you have orgasm? Because you’re never here. Thank you Woody Allen. ---
**Author:** ![Hampshire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hampshire/32/4887_2.png) [@Hampshire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hampshire)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162/36 "2005-12-30T20:51:23Z")
So, I took my dog to the vet the other day because he was scratching his ear. The vet picked him up, looked at his ear, looked at me and said “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What!?” I exclaimed, “because he has an ear infection!?” “No” the vet said “because he’s heavy.” ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162/37 "2005-12-30T20:52:06Z")
Oh, crap, zombie thread! Put it down, put it down! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-i-went-to-the-eye-doctor-today/257162.md?page=1)