# So I'm considering letting my son live with his dad... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 24, 2011, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053 "2011-05-24T19:28:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/41 "2011-05-25T19:15:38Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > I don’t think you’re up for living apart from your husband and staying put - which is no doubt the best option for Dominic hands down. You married a guy you fully knew would be moving around a lot with little regard for your son. That’s fairly self-centered (not uncommon for those with bipolar disorder which IIRC you have) so I suspect you’d rather get on with your personal life and new husband and have Dominic out of the picture and with his Dad, who already has (or will soon have) 3 kids under the same roof. This, right here, is BY FAR the best choice for the kid, who should come first. Please consider it. That poor boy. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/42 "2011-05-25T19:45:55Z")
Are you prepared to pay child support? Because you should, if the child is not living with you. Are you planning an informal arrangement, or are you going with a modification of the current custody order (assuming one exists)? In my state, if there is no agreement to modify custody, an order can only be modified upon a showing of a material change in circumstances, adverse to the best interest of the child. So if you change or obtain a custody order in favor of the father, you aren’t getting the child back unless the father cooperates, or you can show that something has changed since the order was entered, and that whatever has changed is bad for the child. It is pretty much irrelevant if your situation has improved. Other states may differ. May want to contact a lawyer in the appropriate jurisdiction… ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/43 "2011-05-25T20:03:42Z")
Really good points, **Oakminster**. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/44 "2011-05-25T20:09:54Z")
> [@OpalCat](#): > > \The only tricky part is that his dad is in a new relationship that looks to be turning serious. They are talking about moving in together. She has four kids, three of whom live with her. The eldest is 16 (a year older than Dominic) and has been in and out of juvie recently and has a lot of problems (he was abused by her ex-husband, his former stepdad). I think that living with the other two kids, who are by all reports very nice kids, would be good for Dominic, who has always been an only child. I am worried about his exposure to the eldest son, however. There is a chance that that one won’t be living with her much longer, however, due to some violent things he did recently.\ Why isn’t this a deal-breaker? I hear parents always talking about how their child’s safety is the most important thing in the world - when did that get suspended? I’m not a parent, but I know that you don’t send your child into a KNOWN bad situation (and this qualifies as a known bad situation on more than one count). ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/45 "2011-05-25T20:14:05Z")
I think it’s most presumptuous for anyone who doesn’t know all the people involved to say there is “no doubt” what the best option is. For that matter, the people involved can’t be _certain_; that’s why the thread is here. But we’re told Dominic _wants_ to live with the parent that he hasn’t had in his life as much. I think any kid in such circumstances is owed at least serious consideration to the possibility. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/46 "2011-05-25T20:53:51Z")
> [@sugar\_and\_spice](#): > > ISTM the other obvious option is that you and your husband live apart while your son is still in high school. Or, your husband limits his career moves to what is within commuting distance. I think it’s completely untenable to have your son switch schools for both junior and senior years, and if you don’t trust your ex’s home environment, well, this is another option. Married people do this all the time, and for this exact reason, the last 2 years of high school are a pretty crappy time to pull a kid out of school. There is no way I could afford to stay where we are now (not even in a smaller place) without my husband’s income. We’re in the suburbs of Boston and it’s crazy expensive here. Once residency is over, I have to move whether it’s with my husband to where he’s going or to some third place elsewhere. > [@puddin](#): > > Your ex needs to find a new friend without baggage. I’ll tell you she is giving him the wildest sex and treating him like a god to snare him and that doctor’s income…do your ex a favor by telling him what she’s up to.. Maybe set him up with a different husband hunter, only one without baggage. As has been mentioned, my ex isn’t a doctor. > [@AuntiePam](#): > > Has anyone asked Dominic’s dad if he wants Dominic to move in? Yes we’ve talked with him about it and he’s open to it. > [@classyladyhp](#): > > I wonder about that though. Was she not the one who raised the 16 year old with all the problems? She was married to an abusive man who beat her and the son. She divorced him but the damage to the kid seems to have stuck. Last I heard, he might not be coming back to live with her, though. ---
**Author:** ![pricciar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@pricciar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pricciar)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/47 "2011-05-25T21:26:12Z")
Ugh. Moving in with the new family sounds terrible absolutely terrible. I would think the best option would be for you to move someplace cheap (Absolute Best case being near the bio dad so he can see him, without being exposed to the bad egg too often.) It would make things financially tight. But, the money saved by your husband getting a smaller place, combined with whatever you get from your ex for child support will hopefully be enough for 4 years in his high school. The virtue of being near the bio dad is twofold He can see him often and you can go off and see your husband often, knowing that the bio dad is nearby to watch the son. I can’t imagine moving a kid so many times through high school. Further, I can’t imagine sticking a kid into a home with a kid who already has problems and hoping for the best. Those seem like two bad choices. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/48 "2011-05-25T21:45:11Z")
> [@OpalCat](#): > > Once residency is over, **I** have to move whether it’s with my husband to where he’s going or to some third place elsewhere. Where’s the “we” in this equation? Sounds like you’ve already decided it’s _just_ gonna be you. So you can have a nice, quiet life with your new (presumably younger) husband. > [@pricciar](#): > > I can’t imagine moving a kid so many times through high school. Further, I can’t imagine sticking a kid into a home with a kid who already has problems and hoping for the best. Those seem like two bad choices. Now _that_ was succinct. Moving a kid once is hard enough. The **Littlest Bluth** moved just before this school year (he’s a sophomore) and he 1) is a bright kid, all honors classes with straight A’s 2) is an athlete and 3) was/is popular. He _still_ isn’t comfortable in his own skin at his new school. _Everything_ is different and strange and unfamiliar to him. Dominic has none of these advantages: he’s got well-documented social anxiety problems as well as poor impulse control and subpar grades. He’s extremely sensitive to teasing and lashes out inappropriately as a result. Might as well feed him directly to the wolves. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/49 "2011-05-25T22:16:32Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Dominic has none of these advantages: he’s got well-documented social anxiety problems as well as poor impulse control and subpar grades. He’s extremely sensitive to teasing and lashes out inappropriately as a result. > > Might as well feed him directly to the wolves. Then again, maybe the damage has already been done so, what the fuck, the parents may as well do what is best for _them_. I seriously can barely believe what I have read about what has gone on with that kid over the years. ---
**Author:** ![Ostrya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/35a633/32.png) [@Ostrya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ostrya)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/50 "2011-05-25T22:17:15Z")
~reminds self to never start a thread asking for any personal advice~ ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/51 "2011-05-25T23:18:43Z")
Yeah, people on this board seem to think they know everything about a situation based on what they see posted here. They don’t realize what a small window this board really provides. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/52 "2011-05-25T23:21:51Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Where’s the “we” in this equation? Sounds like you’ve already decided it’s _just_ gonna be you. So you can have a nice, quiet life with your new (presumably younger) husband. No, I’m just saying that regardless of who is with me, I can’t stay here. It may be me, it may be Dominic and me, it may be the three of us; I can’t say. All I can say is that he will not be able to stay at his current high school for the whole four years because we can’t afford to stay in this town past Dan’s residency. I feel bad that Dominic has had to move as often as he has, but it hasn’t been all bad. He’s been able to get a fresh start after being bullied at a previous school, for example. ---
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/53 "2011-05-26T00:18:00Z")
If you and Dom decide to stay together . . . 1. Could your husband live in an apt or something and send you guys money to help pay rent in the current town? 2. Could you talk to the school officials and see if they will let you keep Dom in the school even if you have to move further out? ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/54 "2011-05-26T01:06:11Z")
I don’t think he could send enough money for us to stay here, and I don’t think that there is much cheaper further out. This is just a really expensive part of the country. ---
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/55 "2011-05-26T01:10:00Z")
How amenable would your husband be to delaying his fellowship/practice plans for three years? It’s also possible that he could just work for two years and save up enough that you and Dom could afford to stay in the area while he moves for his fellowship. ---
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/56 "2011-05-26T01:14:28Z")
I’m suggesting these options because it doesn’t seem ideal to have your son switch high schools. As **LindsayBluth** pointed out, it’s going to be much harder for him to achieve his post-graduation goals (or at least, it would have been for me). Wait, if I’m reading this correctly, it seems like your husband will only need to delay fellowship for two years . . . that doesn’t seem like such an insurmountable problem. Also, keep in mind that his fellowship salary will likely be higher than his residency salary, enough so that he could possibly maintain a small apartment wherever he did his fellowship and still be able to keep you and Dom in this house. ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/57 "2011-05-26T01:17:09Z")
> [@OpalCat](#): > > Yeah, people on this board seem to think they know everything about a situation based on what they see posted here. They don’t realize what a small window this board really provides. Say **what**? :dubious: People only know what the poster sees fit to share, and what is shared is often skewed to benefit the OP. (Not just you, **Opal** , the limitation applies to everyone.) Really, the only people who can tell you whether your idea will work are the people directly involved. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/58 "2011-05-26T01:30:07Z")
Opal, have you considered an online high school for Dom? I know some kids who have done that when they struggled socially in school or faced multiple moves. It’s generally coordinated by the local high school (whichever district) if they participate. I know little about the technical details. Might it be an option for him? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/59 "2011-05-26T02:07:43Z")
> [@pricciar](#): > > \ > I can’t imagine moving a kid so many times through high school. Further, I can’t imagine sticking a kid into a home with a kid who already has problems and hoping for the best. Those seem like two bad choices. I was thinking that, too. > [@the lone cashew](#): > > ~reminds self to never start a thread asking for any personal advice~ If you want to dump your purse out here, don’t be surprised when people comment on what they see. No one is making **Opal** post here. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053/60 "2011-05-26T02:15:55Z")
> [@OpalCat](#): > > She was married to an abusive man who beat her and the son. She divorced him but the damage to the kid seems to have stuck. Last I heard, he might not be coming back to live with her, though. I grew up with an abusive man for a father and a battered woman for a mother. While it’s never right to blame the woman for the abuse, there can be a dynamic in place in which the woman (in general, not necessarily this particular woman) is not getting out and thus endangering her kids. I certainly hope that the girlfriend has had counseling or whatever in order to learn better mothering skills. People can and do change, and I would want to address that in order to feel comfortable about having that person play this significant of a role in my son’s life. Just my two cents, YMMV. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-im-considering-letting-my-son-live-with-his-dad/583053.md?page=4)