# So I've decided to run for pope **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 12, 2013, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736 "2013-03-12T18:10:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/61 "2013-03-13T16:28:07Z")
> [@Happy\_Lendervedder](#): > > “Vice Pope” might give the wrong impression amidst sex scandals. But **DMark, for a generous donation to the campaign** , I’ll definitely name you Second Supreme Vicar of the Holy Vicariate and Universal Holy Robes. I can give you a fish and a quart of water…that should be ample to have a fish fry and tons of wine for your victory party for the teeming millions! No “Vice Pope” eh? How about “Pope In Waiting” or “Pope Jr.” or “Lil’ Pope” or “Popette” or “Poper Scooper”? ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/62 "2013-03-13T16:40:36Z")
As pope, I’ll be able to edit the final returns, writing you in as “First Runner Up to the Pope.” That’s the best I can do. Although “Second Supreme Vicar of the Holy Vicariate and Universal Holy Robes” has a better retirement package. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/63 "2013-03-13T16:49:39Z")
I find myself wondering if a campaign source, who has requested anonymity because he is not authorized to speak about your candidacy, could let it slip to a reporter that you are strongly considering “Pope Jesus” as your title. I hear that would have a lot of sway with a subset of Catholics. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/64 "2013-03-13T17:02:25Z")
I’m in desperate need of a Campaign Director of European Media Relations. We’ve had a bit of an…incident…in London with a recent speech I gave before Parliament. I made reference to Kate Middleton’s Royal Vagina, and it didn’t set well with the locals. Upon my ascendancy to the Holy Sacred Throne of Peter, I will name you Bretwalda of Vatican Office Supplies and Early Morning Chapel Wine. Any takers? ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/65 "2013-03-13T17:04:43Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > I find myself wondering if a campaign source, who has requested anonymity because he is not authorized to speak about your candidacy, could let it slip to a reporter that you are strongly considering “Pope Jesus” as your title. I hear that would have a lot of sway with a subset of Catholics. Yeah but it wouldn’t play well with the Jewish vote. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/66 "2013-03-13T17:12:48Z")
If you agree to change Benedict’s official title from “Pope Emeritus” to “Motherfucking power-hungry, self-aggrandised bigot in the stupid fucking hat”\* I’ll definitely vote for you. \*Google “Tim Minchin Pope Song” if you don’t know the reference, but it’s _really_ NSFW. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/67 "2013-03-13T17:24:31Z")
> [@Happy\_Lendervedder](#): > > Well, I am baptized, but Protestant. I was thinking “Pope Calvin.” Or, to honor a philosopher that I spend a lot of time reading, “Pope Internet.” Or maybe give the conspiracy theorists a thrill and go with “Pope Peter II.” Why is Peter II a conspiracy name? ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/68 "2013-03-13T17:45:20Z")
> [@Happy\_Lendervedder](#): > > Yeah but it wouldn’t play well with the Jewish vote. [Quite the contrary](http://www.jewsforjesus.org/about). You’ve got built-in cross-platform support. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/69 "2013-03-13T18:07:24Z")
White smoke…I’m waiting for my call! ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/70 "2013-03-13T18:27:42Z")
How long do you think it’s going to take before they call me? It’s been about 20 minutes since the smoke started. Don’t I have to fill out some new-hire paperwork before I go out on the balcony? ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/71 "2013-03-13T18:30:45Z")
But your outfit isn’t ready! I thought I had a few more days. ---
**Author:** ![Capt\_Kirk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@Capt\_Kirk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capt_Kirk)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/72 "2013-03-13T18:32:57Z")
You might want to ready your recount attorney’s just in case **Capt** ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/73 "2013-03-13T18:55:33Z")
> [@Capt\_Kirk](#): > > You might want to ready your recount attorney’s just in case > > **Capt** Gosh, you think it’ll come to that? My internal polling numbers have me up by 18% over the nearest Italian. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/74 "2013-03-13T18:56:46Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > But your outfit isn’t ready! I thought I had a few more days. Off with your head. (Contingent upon the results. If I don’t win, your head can stay on.) ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/75 "2013-03-13T19:06:31Z")
> [@Happy\_Lendervedder](#): > > Off with your head. (Contingent upon the results. If I don’t win, your head can stay on.) I see how it is. You couldn’t settle on a fabric for the sash and I get beheaded. This is why I’m an atheist. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/76 "2013-03-13T19:17:26Z")
Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I guess he’s okay. _sigh_ ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/77 "2013-03-13T19:46:59Z")
> [@Happy\_Lendervedder](#): > > Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I guess he’s okay. > > _sigh_ Sorry to hear about that Happy. I thought you were a top prospect. But the guys 76 already, maybe you’ll have another chance before too long. ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/78 "2013-03-13T20:08:25Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Sorry to hear about that Happy. I thought you were a top prospect. But the guys 76 already, maybe you’ll have another chance before too long. True and think of all the extra time you’ve got for campaigning\* now! - The author does not recommend killing off cardinals as a valid method of campaigning but it would probably be effective. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/79 "2013-03-13T20:12:25Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Sorry to hear about that Happy. I thought you were a top prospect. But the guys 76 already, maybe you’ll have another chance before too long. Great thinking! I just need to remember to keep him off my Celebrity Death Pool list, otherwise he’ll live another 12 years for sure. ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736/80 "2013-03-13T21:24:35Z")
> [@Happy\_Lendervedder](#): > > Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I guess he’s okay. > > _sigh_ As concession speeches go, it has the virtue of brevity at least. > [@TriPolar](#): > > Sorry to hear about that Happy. I thought you were a top prospect. But the guys 76 already, maybe you’ll have another chance before too long. Heck, the guy only has one lung. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-ive-decided-to-run-for-pope/652736.md?page=5)