# So last night I found out my wife had an affair **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 21, 2012, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856 "2012-06-21T16:39:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/61 "2012-06-22T12:58:58Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > Certainly, but the point that **Anaamika** and I are making is the converse – that relatively few people cheat without marital problems. > > The OP’s stated goal is to save his marriage, after all. Ultimately, his wife’s going to have to show the right contrition, he’s going to have to be able to forgive her, and they’re both going to have to work on the problems in their marriage. Agreed. I’m not saying that eveybody who has marital problems cheats. I’m saying the cheating was caused by something. Maybe it was just because she was a cheating bitch. Maybe she was feeling neglected and unloved. Maybe it’s a woman’s version of a mid-life crisis - men buy Corvettes, women cheat. (Maybe). Maybe she was just bored. Whatever it is, the OP wants to stay with her. To stay with her, he’s going to have to figure out why, or it will just happen again. And SHE is going to have to figure out why and acknowledge it. Different reasons will require different responses. If she is just a cheating bitch, for example, there’s not exactly any fixing that. If it’s because she was feeling old and unattractive and ugly…well, it’s certainly not excusable, but that is a problem that could be fixed. ---
**Author:** ![cherry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cherry)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/62 "2012-06-22T13:00:50Z")
You have my sympathies. I’m going through something similar myself. Except my husband is an alcoholic and he slept with a woman he met at a bar on the one month anniversary of our newborn daughter. Anyways I left with the kids to my parents last week to give me space and so I didn’t have to drive past the hotel multiple times a day since its near our home. I don’t know what the future holds but I am trying to find a way to process this and it sucks for everyone. But my 3 year old is having fun & my 7 week old is just being a baby so there’s that. ---
**Author:** ![Rich\_G7subs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85e7bf/32.png) [@Rich\_G7subs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rich_G7subs)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/63 "2012-06-22T13:08:36Z")
> [@Mr.Excellent](#): > > This. Brother, I’d be _livid_ if a girlfriend were reading my email - if I left it open by accident, the appropriate response is to _close the browser_, and maybe mention that I’d left it open. > > Adults have privacy, and every right to it. Something tells me this isn’t the first time you took a rather lackadaisical approach to your wife’s privacy. Things is - even if she had been saying nice things about you, _that still would have been none of your business_. I look at it the other way. If I have nothing to hide I couldn’t care less if my wife reads my e mail or looks at my cell phone. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/64 "2012-06-22T13:26:38Z")
We’ve had this discussion before. Basically lots of people share their e-mail and everything about their lives and can’t understand why the rest of us can’t. I don’t intend to justify myself once again, but the one time my SO did read my e-mail, i was livid. And I love him and spend 99% of my free time with him. It’s like, e-mail’s the one place that’s MINE. But there’s nothing wrong with either way. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/65 "2012-06-22T13:29:13Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > ..Scenario 2: Dad can’t forgive mom. They stay married because of the kids. The kids spend the rest of their formative years in a household seething with angst, with a dad who is distrusting & full of self-doubt and a mom who is remorseful & continually seeks the forgiveness that she can never receive. Kids sense dysfunctional relationship no matter how hard the parents try to hide it, and grow up with a twisted sense of what a normal relationship should be… Scenario 2: Dad can’t forgive mom. They stay married because of the kids. The kids spend the rest of their formative years in a household that isn’t exactly perfect, but provides the kids with decent role models, shelter, and a somewhat healthy family environment. The kids get to keep their friends, attend the same school, have sleep-overs and two parents who can help them with homework, drive them to soccer, make their favourite meals, and pack nice lunches for school. ---
**Author:** ![fjs1fs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9e8a1a/32.png) [@fjs1fs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fjs1fs)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/66 "2012-06-22T13:35:56Z")
> [@Mr.Excellent](#): > > This. Brother, I’d be _livid_ if a girlfriend were reading my email - if I left it open by accident, the appropriate response is to _close the browser_, and maybe mention that I’d left it open. > > Adults have privacy, and every right to it. Something tells me this isn’t the first time you took a rather lackadaisical approach to your wife’s privacy. Things is - even if she had been saying nice things about you, _that still would have been none of your business_. HILARIOUS! So reading his wife’s email was worse than her SCREWING ANOTHER GUY THREE TIMES!!! ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/67 "2012-06-22T13:37:20Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > We’ve had this discussion before. Basically lots of people share their e-mail and everything about their lives and can’t understand why the rest of us can’t. I don’t intend to justify myself once again, but the one time my SO did read my e-mail, i was livid. And I love him and spend 99% of my free time with him. It’s like, e-mail’s the one place that’s MINE. > > But there’s nothing wrong with either way. I’ve been both ways. I didn’t care what my ex did with my email until she freaked out about it. It wasn’t until more than two years after we split that she admitted her jealousy was crazy and unfounded. But that has made me gun-shy about the subject and I would feel very uncomfortable about anyone checking my private email or messages. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/68 "2012-06-22T13:51:02Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Scenario 2: Dad can’t forgive mom. They stay married because of the kids. The kids spend the rest of their formative years in a household that isn’t exactly perfect, but provides the kids with decent role models, shelter, and a somewhat healthy family environment. The kids get to keep their friends, attend the same school, have sleep-overs and two parents who can help them with homework, drive them to soccer, make their favourite meals, and pack nice lunches for school. I think the point is that, if both parents have the motivation and emotional maturity to put the children first in this way, then they have the motivation and emotional maturity to make a divorce work out well for the children, too. I mean, divorced parents can still provide decent role models, shelter, and healthy family environments. Except with a divorce, the parents are happier, less stressed, and can model healthier happier relationships. Sure, children can get really screwed in a divorce if the parents don’t care about the children. But in that case, the kids probably weren’t going to do all that great anyway. But if the parents really do care about the kids, then divorce isn’t going to be a disaster for them. And, back to the OP, I don’t really have the voice of experience, but I completely agree with **azrael** : you need to both bear responsibility for your part in getting the marriage to a breaking point, and know that it was your wife’s choice alone to deal with it as she did. Good luck; I hope things work out for you and your children. ---
**Author:** ![toofs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4491bb/32.png) [@toofs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toofs)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/69 "2012-06-22T14:11:51Z")
You ready for the painful part? That other guy dicked her down _well._ She went back for more of what he could give her. And give it he did. Can you afford child support and alimony? Depending upon the state you live in, you may pay even though she did this to your marriage. It sucks. Your marriage may have a termination penalty clause that you have to finance. The other posters who wrote that nothing you did can justify cheating are correct. Symptom of a marriage disease or not, she rode another man’s cock. Get that through your head. You have been disrespected, violated, embarrassed and completely shit upon. Your wife trashed your marriage by straying. Plan an exit strategy now. See an attorney as well as counselors. Do not have sex with her until she is checked for STDs. My ex-best friend cheated on his wife, got herpes, then gave it to his wife. He is a piece of shit. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/70 "2012-06-22T14:15:53Z")
> [@toofs](#): > > You ready for the painful part? > > That other guy dicked her down _well._ She went back for more of what he could give her. And give it he did. > > Can you afford child support and alimony? Depending upon the state you live in, you may pay even though she did this to your marriage. It sucks. Your marriage may have a termination penalty clause that you have to finance. > > The other posters who wrote that nothing you did can justify cheating are correct. Symptom of a marriage disease or not, she rode another man’s cock. > > Get that through your head. You have been disrespected, violated, embarrassed and completely shit upon. Your wife trashed your marriage by straying. Plan an exit strategy now. See an attorney as well as counselors. > > Do not have sex with her until she is checked for STDs. My ex-best friend cheated on his wife, got herpes, then gave it to his wife. He is a piece of shit. Was that really necessary? ---
**Author:** ![toofs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4491bb/32.png) [@toofs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toofs)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/71 "2012-06-22T14:17:25Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Was that really necessary? Yes. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/72 "2012-06-22T14:39:59Z")
(I’ve never been on any side of a cheating scenario, but I am a divorced father.) > [@Leaffan](#): > > Scenario 2: Dad can’t forgive mom. They stay married because of the kids. The kids spend the rest of their formative years in a household that isn’t exactly perfect, but provides the kids with decent role models, shelter, and a somewhat healthy family environment. The kids get to keep their friends, attend the same school, have sleep-overs and two parents who can help them with homework, drive them to soccer, make their favourite meals, and pack nice lunches for school. My kids pretty much _have_ everything you mention after the “stay married” part. My ex-wife and I aren’t necessarily thrilled with every parenting decision the other has made–as I hear married parents also may not be–but we recognize that things could be much worse. We do consult each other about important stuff. So the main difference for the kids, relative to the ideal scenario, is just that all this happens in two households. It’s more work for us, but not a worse life for them. There are even sometimes some advantages to the dual households. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/73 "2012-06-22T14:51:06Z")
It’s tough to get statistics, but estimates are that in any given year, 10% of marriages experience infidelity. The lifetime infidelity rate is around 28% for men and 15% for women- and it’s rising sharply, especially among young people. And this is what people are willing to admit to pollsters. In other words, infidelity is something that happens to a lot of people. Monogyny is a great ideal and certainly something a lot of people shoot for, but if infidelity is the end of the world, a lot of people’s worlds are ending all the time. Choosing to work through it doesn’t make you weak or foolish. It’s a tough path, but it’s one that millions of people are on. The world doesn’t work out nice and neat most of the time. As far as reading the email- a marriage is a system that is created by the participants, and everything is a part of the dynamic. I see that whatever system is happening here has some big, big problems. In a complex system, it’s hard to untangle causes and effects. What’s important is that there is a bad dynamic, all of this bad stuff is a part of the bad dynamic, and if the marriage is going to succeed there needs to be some changes not just in you or her, but in the fundamentals of how the two of you relate. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/74 "2012-06-22T15:32:49Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Scenario 2: Dad can’t forgive mom. They stay married because of the kids. The kids spend the rest of their formative years in a household that isn’t exactly perfect, but provides the kids with decent role models, shelter, and a somewhat healthy family environment. The kids get to keep their friends, attend the same school, have sleep-overs and two parents who can help them with homework, drive them to soccer, make their favourite meals, and pack nice lunches for school. Your implication is that divorced kids have to change schools, lose friends, skip out on extracurricular activities, and eat crappy food. For one, that’s absolutely not true (and not reflective of my experience as a divorced kid). Secondly, living in a home with a dysfunctional parent relationship is going to cause long-term damage (emotionally and wrt the kids’ ability to form healthy relationships) that no amount of living in a “secure” (dysfunctional) 2-parent home can make up for. It’d be great if the OP can forgive his wife. If he can’t, he owes it to everyone involved to break it off. Like I mentioned above, staying in a shitty relationship for the sake of your kids teaches your kids that they should stay in shitty relationships for stupid reasons. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/75 "2012-06-22T15:34:18Z")
> [@dnooman](#): > > Your kids may be better without her in their life. I think you’re going a little too far here. Remember, she’s going to be in their lives regardless. Indeed, if they split, she’s still (statistically, anyway) probably more likely to have the kids more often than he will. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/76 "2012-06-22T15:36:06Z")
> [@dnooman](#): > > You have two kids together and she cheats, her being “sorry” doesn’t even come close to what she should feel if she really valued your relationship. > > Three times? That’s almost a pattern, and it will very likely happen again. Your kids may be better without her in their life. > > Divorce is hard on kids, many get through it, but it’s never easy. You know what’s much harder for kids and all concerned? A continued tendency for sexual promiscuity on one of the parents part. What sort of horrid examples might that impart on a young person?.. I dunno - it’s likely the kids would never know, and I don’t see how an adult’s sexual life directly affects their ability to be a parent. What she does between the sheets doesn’t have anything to do with whether she can help with their math homework, make sure they eat a good lunch, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/77 "2012-06-22T15:48:39Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > Your implication is that divorced kids have to change schools, lose friends, skip out on extracurricular activities, and eat crappy food. For one, that’s absolutely not true (and not reflective of my experience as a divorced kid). Secondly, living in a home with a dysfunctional parent relationship is going to cause long-term damage (emotionally and wrt the kids’ ability to form healthy relationships) that no amount of living in a “secure” (dysfunctional) 2-parent home can make up for. > > It’d be great if the OP can forgive his wife. If he can’t, he owes it to everyone involved to break it off. Like I mentioned above, staying in a shitty relationship for the sake of your kids teaches your kids that they should stay in shitty relationships for stupid reasons. There’s a middle ground between: “Dad forgives mom. They stay happily married, and their kids experience what a normal, loving relationship should be like.” and “Dad can’t forgive mom. They stay married because of the kids. The kids spend the rest of their formative years in a household seething with angst, with a dad who is distrusting & full of self-doubt and a mom who is remorseful & continually seeks the forgiveness that she can never receive. Kids sense dysfunctional relationship no matter how hard the parents try to hide it, and grow up with a twisted sense of what a normal relationship should be.” Trying to make it work for the sake of the kids should be any reasonable adult’s approach. I think a lot of households aren’t exactly Ozzie and Harriet. Kids will grow up just fine and form relationships based on the love and trust of their parents and friends. They don’t necessarily mimic the relationship their parents had with each other. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/78 "2012-06-22T16:02:00Z")
> [@Terr](#): > > This is why I never ever read my wife’s emails. If you change your mind, I can forward them to you. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/79 "2012-06-22T16:58:33Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > There’s a middle ground between: > > “Dad forgives mom. They stay happily married, and their kids experience what a normal, loving relationship should be like.” and > > “Dad can’t forgive mom. They stay married because of the kids. The kids spend the rest of their formative years in a household seething with angst, with a dad who is distrusting & full of self-doubt and a mom who is remorseful & continually seeks the forgiveness that she can never receive. Kids sense dysfunctional relationship no matter how hard the parents try to hide it, and grow up with a twisted sense of what a normal relationship should be.” > > Trying to make it work for the sake of the kids should be any reasonable adult’s approach. I think a lot of households aren’t exactly Ozzie and Harriet. Kids will grow up just fine and form relationships based on the love and trust of their parents and friends. They don’t necessarily mimic the relationship their parents had with each other. 1. I talked about scenario 1.5 in my original post. 2. Many people emulate their parents’ relationship in early adulthood, without even realizing it. Girls who had distant fathers seek out distant partners. Girls whose mothers were serial sluts become serial sluts. Kids whose parents had a crappy marriage are more likely to have their own crappy marriage, because they will have internalized that crappy situation as normal. Kids who see their parents hurt each other on a regular basis (whether physically or emotionally), or whose parents grow very distant, will think that’s normal. Even older kids who “know better” what should be normal in a relationship can still find themselves falling into those traps later in life and not really know why. Making life better for the kids could very well involve getting a divorce, if the marriage can no longer be loving or trustworthy. This is simple stuff. ---
**Author:** ![jdubs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/cdc98d/32.png) [@jdubs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jdubs)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/80 "2012-06-22T16:58:48Z")
> [@Quercus](#): > > I think the point is that, if both parents have the motivation and emotional maturity to put the children first in this way, then they have the motivation and emotional maturity to make a divorce work out well for the children, too. I mean, divorced parents can still provide decent role models, shelter, and healthy family environments. Except with a divorce, the parents are happier, less stressed, and can model healthier happier relationships. > > Sure, children can get really screwed in a divorce if the parents don’t care about the children. But in that case, the kids probably weren’t going to do all that great anyway. But if the parents really do care about the kids, then divorce isn’t going to be a disaster for them. > And, back to the OP, I don’t really have the voice of experience, but I completely agree with **azrael** : you need to both bear responsibility for your part in getting the marriage to a breaking point, and know that it was your wife’s choice alone to deal with it as she did. Good luck; I hope things work out for you and your children. As a family disputes attorney, I can tell you that many divorces start with the goal of putting the kids first and being civil. I can also tell you that they almost never end that way. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856.md?page=5)