# So last night I found out my wife had an affair **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 21, 2012, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856 "2012-06-21T16:39:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/101 "2012-06-24T17:05:53Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Yeah. The thing that’s wrong with it is he married a whore!\ That’s not helpful or (most likely) accurate. His wife is still the woman he married; these hurtful actions are not the sum total of who she is. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/102 "2012-06-24T19:29:11Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > That’s not helpful or (most likely) accurate. His wife is still the woman he married; these hurtful actions are not the sum total of who she is. Yeah…well if I piss in your Frosted Flakes, it may not be the sum total of your breakfast, but it’s still ruined. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/103 "2012-06-24T20:30:35Z")
> [@nate](#): > > Does anyone else think it’s wierd that some in this thread get bent up about reading thier spouse’s e-mail or having thier spouse read thiers? That seems crazy to me… I wouldn’t care one bit if my wife read my e-mails and she wouldn’t care if I read hers. It just seems so foreign to me when I see people bitch about privacy from thier spouse. I can’t imagine being married to someone AND caring if they read my e-mails. This. So, these people put their mouths against their spouses reproductive organs (a huge assumption, on my part), but, get crazed if they find that they read their emails! Hilarious. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/104 "2012-06-24T20:48:44Z")
> [@fatmac98](#): > > I’ve been on the SDMB for years. I don’t post much, mostly lurk. > > Last night my wife left her email open. Things have been so good between us for the past month, it’s like we’ve reconnected after a couple months of some (what I thought) was moderate disconnect. I was actually looking to see if she’d emailed any of her friends to say good things about me ( I tend to be insecure) and found exactly the opposite. > > The affair was with an out of town guy that she knows from college and probably got pretty intense from the looks of the emails. They had sex on 3 different occasions between February and May 9. She swears it’s over as of May 20 and emails and phone records back that up. > > We have 2 children. She is a great mom. We’ll have been married for 10 years in October. > > I’m not going to leave her. That’s not in the cards, and I don’t want to punish her. I just want to forget that this ever happened, but I can’t. The movie in my head won’t stop. It’s like that scene out of _High Fidelity_ where Cusack is rolling around the bed, imagination running wild. > > I’m rambling. > > I can’t talk to anybody. I’m too embarrassed to talk to my friends and my family would freak out. I want to talk to her, but I don’t believe her. She’s truly sorry. I’m sure of that. > > Has anyone else made it through this? I’m sure people have. How? First of all, I wish to give you my condolences. This must be devastating. Now, however, I’m curious as to why you are so sure that she is truly sorry. Did I read correctly, that she was dissing you \*after \*you started reconnecting??? If so, I’d be suspicious of more heartbreak to come. You also sound a little desperate. Of course, it’s too soon for you to be rational, but, I’m wondering if you’re trying to convince yourself of something. Advice: If it’s in the cards for you to get back together with her, don’t follow too much advice about rebuilding trust. I think you trusted her once, and that had ZERO effect. You need to forgive and forget, not trust. Love can live without trust, as can forgiveness and forgetting, so, don’t add the burden of ‘having to rebuild trust’ to yourself. You weren’t the transgressor. Best wishes. cour BTW: Whoever said “If she wants to have lunch with him…” must be quite mad. Of course, you cannot control who your wife has lunch with, but, if she does communicate with him, please understand that it is to reconnect, and/or that she values him more than she does you. ---
**Author:** ![Chicagojeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b19c9b/32.png) [@Chicagojeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chicagojeff)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/105 "2012-06-24T21:32:13Z")
> [@Mr.Excellent](#): > > This. Brother, I’d be _livid_ if a girlfriend were reading my email - if I left it open by accident, the appropriate response is to _close the browser_, and maybe mention that I’d left it open. > > Adults have privacy, and every right to it. Something tells me this isn’t the first time you took a rather lackadaisical approach to your wife’s privacy. Things is - even if she had been saying nice things about you, _that still would have been none of your business_. Dude she left that open on purpose IMO.. Women are far better at covering their tracks then men are. Women sometimes get so damn frustrated that you haven’t figured it out they .. leave their emails open with undeleted messages detailing their emails.. BTW don’t tell your family.. don’t tell your friends.. Once you do that.. They’ll never give her the benefit in any doubt. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/106 "2012-06-25T04:36:46Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Yeah…well if I piss in your Frosted Flakes, it may not be the sum total of your breakfast, but it’s still ruined. That’s a terrible analogy for this situation. ---
**Author:** ![fatmac98](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3ec8ea/32.png) [@fatmac98](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fatmac98)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/107 "2012-06-25T14:12:17Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > The OP is looking for ways to stay together, so we should help him do that regardless of what each of us personally would do in this situation. > > Staying together for the kids is not always better, so you should think about what minimum level of relationship makes sense for that. If you stay together but fight all the time, it’s not better for the kids. I would say the minimum acceptable relationship for the kids is one where you treat each other with civility and respect regardless of if there is any love. Living together as respectful roommates may be a better environment for the kids than being divorced. But if you end up snipping and fighting all the time, you’re probably harming the kids more than if you get divorced. > > I posted earlier about ways to remove privacy in the marriage. Those steps may seem overbearing, but this is being done after the fact. She has proved herself to be untrustworthy. She needs to rebuild it. Removing privacy in the marriage would serve two purposes. One, it would provide motivation for her to stay true to the marriage. It’s not a punishment. Rather, it’s to provide motivation through accountability. Much like an ex-con has to visit his parole officer and take drug tests, the accountability can help to keep the person on track. Two, it will help him suppress those wild thoughts. If he can account for her whereabouts and can see all her communication, it will be easier for him to truly accept that she is staying true to the marriage and help him move past this. I have made it clear that she has no expectation of privacy. I have the passwords to all of her email accounts. I have changed the password fot our cell phone service and she does no longer knows it. At night when she goes to bed the phone stays with me etc. She has accepted this with zero argument and complete cooperation. She is my wife. I chose her, I choose her. I will save my family. ---
**Author:** ![fatmac98](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3ec8ea/32.png) [@fatmac98](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fatmac98)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/108 "2012-06-25T14:17:49Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Hey, I’m not arguing with you. I am married. I have kids. I once had a brief affair that my wife discover 8 years after I ended it because I too left my email open. > > It’s been 3 years since the discovery. We’re still together, but it’s not great to be honest. I can’t leave my kids. > > (Heart on sleeve.) Can you expound more on who chooses for it not to be great? I know that I can forgive her for this. I would want her to forgive me if I did the same and could make her believe I was truly sorry. I am not a religious man, but I do have a code. And my code says treat others the way you would want to be treated. I have never strayed, but I have never had an opportunity to stray. I honestly don’t know what I would have done, or would do if the opportunity presented itself. I do know that I want my wife. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/109 "2012-06-25T14:26:36Z")
I agree with filmore that everyone should stop expressing their own moral code tolerance upon the OP. But that being said, someone upthread offered some sage advice. You should insist that your wife be tested for STD’s. You do not want to catch something inadvertantly from her transgressions, regardless of how sorry she is, or how much you desire to forgive her. Just because it was only one other person, you are now exposed to everyone he ever slept with as well. ---
**Author:** ![fatmac98](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3ec8ea/32.png) [@fatmac98](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fatmac98)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/110 "2012-06-25T14:36:11Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > No, actually the choice remains with the Family court. You cannot unilaterally cut a parent out of a child’s life due to divorce. Unless someone has been an unfit **parent** if they are seeking custody they will generally get at least partial custody. In many states, the court greatly frowns on any effort to prevent children from having relationships with both parents. In my state, if a parent has attempted to prevent a relationship with the kids – either by interfering with visitation or by telling them things to make them dislike the other parent – it would be a large negative factor in the custody decision. She would get the kids. I would fight like hell, but in my state the default is 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends and a month in summer for dads without extenuating cicumstances. Other than the affair there are no extenuating circumstances. She is a great mother. It’s not going to come to that. ---
**Author:** ![fatmac98](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3ec8ea/32.png) [@fatmac98](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fatmac98)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/111 "2012-06-25T14:40:23Z")
> [@MN\_Maenad](#): > > OP, I recommend the book [“I Love You But I Don’t Trust You”](http://www.amazon.com/Love-You-But-Dont-Trust/dp/0425245314/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1340461963&sr=1-1&keywords=i+love+you+but+i+don%27t+trust+you). It helped me get through a betrayal, but I wish I had found it earlier in the process. You can rebuild your marriage stronger than before, despite what the naysayers claim. I will order this from Amazon today. ---
**Author:** ![fatmac98](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3ec8ea/32.png) [@fatmac98](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fatmac98)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/112 "2012-06-25T14:42:43Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Yeah. The thing that’s wrong with it is he married a whore! > Why would you want to stay with her? If you want to fuck other people (as she apparantly does), you don’t, by definition, want to be married. So now your marriage has essentially become like a crappy job you go off to in the morning because you are too lazy to find a better one. sukadikndi ---
**Author:** ![fatmac98](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3ec8ea/32.png) [@fatmac98](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fatmac98)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/113 "2012-06-25T15:07:04Z")
I am leaving this thread. I think that many people have given me good advice and I thank them for that. Some have decided to take this as a chance to jab at a woman that they do not even know, or somhow indict me for reading her email. I am not interested in reading those things even if I have to pass upon good advice to avoid them. On the outside chance that anyone is curious to see how things are going please PM me. Specifically Leaffan if you wouldn’t mind. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856/114 "2012-06-25T18:30:19Z")
Closed at the request of the OP. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-last-night-i-found-out-my-wife-had-an-affair/625856.md?page=5)