# So my father's worried I might be gay, and I'm not sure I'll bother to disabuse him of the notion. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 6, 2009, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827 "2009-10-06T17:01:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tastes_of_chocolate/32/3232_2.png) [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/21 "2009-10-06T21:08:43Z")
You know what? If you ever find a woman you want as a partner/spouse/wife, she will have it made. My SO’s Dad was starting to think my SO was gay, when by the age of 25 he had never brought a girlfriend home to meet them. Now I know that my SO was dating women in college. We were friends then, and I knew who was dating/sleeping with who. Anyway, when my SO announced that I was moving in with him, I was given the biggest welcome you’ve ever seen. Now his parents are really nice people, who I would like anyway, but it was kind of funny watching them be so relieved that their son had brought home a real live woman. I think I could have had a third eye, and they would have still been happy. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/22 "2009-10-06T21:12:49Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > I really don’t understand how anyone can subject themselves willingly to spend time with someone like that but if i was somehow forced to do it i would make it my life mission to annoy them. Play it up i say, next time you go see him act like the most stereotypical gay guy you can, the guy people like that are afraid off. Then of course post the results. That really doesn’t work when you’re talking about a man’s father. More so when said father is over 70, and a big time bible thumper. The proper thing to do here is to avoid confrontation and endure the behavior when necessary. It’s not pleasant, but it’s what you do with family. ---
**Author:** ![elelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@elelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elelle)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/23 "2009-10-06T21:30:48Z")
Skald, I hear ya. Would it do at all to invite him to the church you go to, to see what that church is like, beyond what newpaper story says it is? He may see that, in how the church service is, that it’s a decent place doing the same work his own church is. And, inviting him might break down barriers in why his church isn’t the one you choose to go to occassionally. Maybe I’m too hopeful there. Main thing I just wonder about is why a Black man in Memphis (Dad), doesn’t get at all rights for people who are different from the dominant society, but cohesive as a group. Generational, I guess, but odd. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/24 "2009-10-06T21:33:21Z")
> [@DMark](#): > > Perhaps, if the subject were brought up again, you could tell him that many of your good friends are Gay or Lesbian, you like to hang out with them, you think they are great people but no - you are not in fact Gay. Saying you hang out with gay people but are not yourself gay doesn’t work very well with bible-thumpers who are convinced that Gay Sex is catchable like the cooties. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/25 "2009-10-06T21:51:17Z")
I don’t know how you put up with it, **Skald the Rhymer** , but I’m glad you get good stories out of it. And I like your plan. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/26 "2009-10-06T21:51:42Z")
> [@Gorgon\_Heap](#): > > Or you could have made peace with him by offering him one of your theater tickets. Or a toaster–isn’t there a toaster involved somehow? ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/27 "2009-10-06T21:52:57Z")
But I thought **Skald** _was_ married? Does you Dad just think that’s no indicator of straightness? I know it isn’t a full-proof one, but that’s a more nuanced POV than most Bible-thumpers take. As far as the dad situation: To me there would be significant tension between loving him and letting him worry that I was gay – much as I approve of that in theory, and I do if for no other reason than that your sexuality is NOHB. But frankly my comfort level in lettng the old guy just wonder would be entirely dependent on how much (if any) anguish the thought of my gayness would likely cause him. At some point there’s a conflict between loving someone and letting them be heartsick and upset. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Awesome](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a698b9/32.png) [@Captain\_Awesome](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Awesome)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/28 "2009-10-06T22:03:16Z")
I’m not sure what I’m more disturbed by, irrational homophobia or solving mental quadratic equations for fun. ---
**Author:** ![justrob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a9adbd/32.png) [@justrob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/justrob)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/29 "2009-10-06T22:13:26Z")
> [@Jodi](#): > > But I thought **Skald** _was_ married? Does you Dad just think that’s no indicator of straightness? I know it isn’t a full-proof one, but that’s a more nuanced POV than most Bible-thumpers take. Thank you **Jodi**. **Skald** doesn’t know me from the thermostat over there on the wall but I thought he _was_ married also. Although I remember reading the thread where it was ending also. I guess if you split up it’s proof you were really the gay to begin with. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/30 "2009-10-06T22:15:27Z")
> [@Jodi](#): > > But I thought **Skald** _was_ married? Does you Dad just think that’s no indicator of straightness? I know it isn’t a full-proof one, but that’s a more nuanced POV than most Bible-thumpers take. From what **Skald** said in the OP, it sounds like his dad might be one of those people who actually believes that people can be converted. Since Skald is going to a GLBT friendly church his father fears (no joke) that he’s literally going to be recruited and “turned.” At least that’s my impression. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/31 "2009-10-06T22:21:47Z")
Tell him you know you’re not gay because you like little girls. 0-10. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/32 "2009-10-06T22:40:00Z")
“Dad, line up the best looking women in the congregation. I will screw them until I lose consciousness, and you can videotape it so you can watch it again any time you have doubts.” ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/33 "2009-10-06T22:40:39Z")
I think that for Halloween you need to dress up as either the Indian or the Bike Guy from The Village People and trick or treat at your Dad’s. If Praying Cures Diabetes and other assorted diseases, then why do we have doctor’s? ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/34 "2009-10-06T22:42:34Z")
Keeping a small degree of ambivalence allows a small degree of leverage. If Dad is being tolerable, you talk about football. If Dad gets too annoying, you hum a show tune, or talk about Judy Garland\*. _The other problem, of course, is that Dad may not actually know enough about gay people to get even non-subtle gay references. I could have sung Hello Dolly while wearing espadrilles and my mother wouldn’t suspect me of being gay_\*. Then I’d pet a French poodle or order salad or something, and she’d suddenly get all concerned about the gayness - or drugs - or liberalism - or something else from left field. \*\* I’m straight. Don’t sweat it Mum, it’ll be okay. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/35 "2009-10-06T22:57:43Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > That really doesn’t work when you’re talking about a man’s father. More so when said father is over 70, and a big time bible thumper. The proper thing to do here is to avoid confrontation and endure the behavior when necessary. It’s not pleasant, but it’s what you do with family. I’ve seen my parents ditch relatives for decades for a whole lot less, if they’ve taught me anything is that just because someone is blood doesn’t mean you have to put up with them. ---
**Author:** ![Laudenum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7993a0/32.png) [@Laudenum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laudenum)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/36 "2009-10-06T23:27:12Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I > As to how I can willingly subject myself to my father—you did get the part where he’s my father, right? Just because he’s an asshole doesn’t mean I don’t love him. Tbh, then I think you have to tell him the truth. He probably genuinely belives that you are in danger, and really is worried for you and your eternal soul. This may seem stupid to us, but it is a real concern for him - he may even have lost sleep over it. I think you should tell him. ---
**Author:** ![BigNik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/73ab20/32.png) [@BigNik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigNik)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/37 "2009-10-06T23:33:01Z")
My mother’s positive I’m gay. The fun thing about this is that her approach is the diametric opposite of your father’s. She 's been quietly pressuring me to come out to her for years now so that she can be more ostentatiously, rather than subtly, supportive. And, more importantly, that other people can see how progressive and tolerant she is by being supportive of her gay son? Do I need to mention that the reason that I’ve never introduced a girlfriend to her is because she’s batshit insane and I don’t feel the need to inflict that on someone I actually have feelings for? ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/38 "2009-10-06T23:35:19Z")
> [@Laudenum](#): > > …I think you should tell him. Honestly, I don’t think it matters. There’s no reason to think he’ll believe Skald. And even if he does, he believes the Church is evil and recruiting gays, and converting straight people to gay. The argument will never end. How close is he to death? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/39 "2009-10-06T23:43:01Z")
If your father is worried you are gay you should tell him that your brother is the one he should really be worried about. Those counselors who claim to fix teh gay are just acting out their own personal psycho-dramas, if you ask me. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2009, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827/40 "2009-10-06T23:51:09Z")
I completely understand. This reminds me of when my childhood friend heard I’d tried Church on the River (UU) and told me I shouldn’t go there because it’s a Devil’s Church. I love First Congo. It’s a wonderfully loving, giving church and I’d still be going there if I was still a Christian. Despite all the good things they do I’m pretty sure the majority of Memphians know it as the gay church. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-fathers-worried-i-might-be-gay-and-im-not-sure-ill-bother-to-disabuse-him-of-the-notion/512827.md?page=3)