# So my wife cheated on me... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 7, 2013, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-wife-cheated-on-me/649626 "2013-02-07T20:01:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Emiliana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@Emiliana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emiliana)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2013, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-wife-cheated-on-me/649626/41 "2013-02-09T12:35:33Z")
Your counselor thought it would be cathartic to be pelted with the opinions of strangers on the internet? If I were writing this story, I’d have the guy be a pedophile OR have them do it in the road. Together just requires too much credulity. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2013, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-wife-cheated-on-me/649626/42 "2013-02-09T15:24:22Z")
> [@Doggo](#): > > This is my opinion, and not meant as a personal attack on anyone. > . I just love Doggos style. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2013, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-wife-cheated-on-me/649626/43 "2013-02-09T16:55:23Z")
> [@Emiliana](#): > > Together just requires too much credulity. How come I missed this? I had even checked the join date… ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2013, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-wife-cheated-on-me/649626/44 "2013-02-09T17:07:19Z")
I’m glad you found love, and that you’re so circumspect about what you’ve been through. Personally I would have at least a little guilt stepping out on a relationship where I had insisted on another not having a phone or Internet access lest _they_ cheat. Minor detail as you both, gave and got, some betrayal. I hope your life is less eventful in future. Do yourself a great big favour and do not propose or marry before at least a year has gone by. No matter how certain you may feel. Take some time. Wishing you nothing but the greatest good luck in the future! ---
**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2013, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-wife-cheated-on-me/649626/45 "2013-02-10T06:16:59Z")
> [@phouka](#): > > I have to disagree. > > First, while there are those who feel no need for sexual fidelity in a relationship, most of us do, and it’s not because we regard our partner as property. > > Sex is an inherently risky act, capable of creating life (conception, pregnancy, and birth) and ending it (HIV, some forms of hepatitis, and probably soon syphillis and gonorrhea). Condoms can fail, and so does an individual’s caution. When a couple pledges monogamy and fidelity, it means each is trusting the other not to bring home a communicable disease that could potentially cause considerable pain, cost their fertility, or shorten their life. It means the woman trusts the man not to create children outside of their relationship, and it means the man trusts the woman not to create children inside their relationship that aren’t his. > > Making a relationship work means a commitment of time and energy, it means placing your partner as your first priority - higher than other family, higher than work, and higher than passing urges. If one partner is off chasing tail, that means whatever resources they’re spending on securing another lover - time, money, affection, commitment - is not going to the person they’ve supposedly devoted themselves to. > > That being said, people don’t have affairs because their partner has somehow failed them. They have affairs because it’s easier to get what they want from someone else than working on the problems in the relationship, or because they’re selfish and don’t want to live up to the promise they made, or because they’re bored and convince themselves that it doesn’t really matter. There are a thousand reasons to have an affair, and only a handful of them are really sympathetic. In the end, though, it is not the other partner’s fault their spouse cheated on them. All responsibility lays at the feet of the cheater. And I disagree with you. Nothing in real life is black and white. What happens in a situation where one partner refuses to have sex, but otherwise the relationship is sound? Does the sex starved partner need to be celibate the rest of their life, or can they have occasional sex elsewhere? In any event, in my scenario, there is no “chasing tail”. It’s something spontaneous and unexpected. I am not “blaming” anyone or saying there is “responsibility” for anything. We all make mistakes- is it worth destroying a good marriage over? In my case, I say not. BTW, why do you asume it’s a male straying? What about a woman in a marriage where the husband is unable to have sex? ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-wife-cheated-on-me/649626/46 "2013-02-11T01:56:31Z")
there is always self love. I see no excuse in dipping in a strange well. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-wife-cheated-on-me/649626/47 "2013-02-11T02:23:59Z")
> [@Doggo](#): > > And I disagree with you. > Nothing in real life is black and white. > What happens in a situation where one partner refuses to have sex, but otherwise the relationship is sound? Does the sex starved partner need to be celibate the rest of their life, or can they have occasional sex elsewhere? > > In any event, in my scenario, there is no “chasing tail”. It’s something spontaneous and unexpected. > > I am not “blaming” anyone or saying there is “responsibility” for anything. We all make mistakes- is it worth destroying a good marriage over? > In my case, I say not. > > BTW, why do you asume it’s a male straying? What about a woman in a marriage where the husband is unable to have sex? I wish i lived in a world were sex “just happened”, in this one it is a deliberate choice between two people. If a partner cheated on me and their excuse was “it just happened” it would make me think they had absolutely no self control and it would be idiotic to ever trust them again. ---
**Author:** ![sisu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@sisu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sisu)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-wife-cheated-on-me/649626/48 "2013-02-11T03:05:08Z")
I can only say don’t judge a man unless you have lived his life so no judgments here. Get on with your life, care for your daughter, don’t apportion blame and it will somehow work out… ---
**Author:** ![colander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e8c25b/32.png) [@colander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colander)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-wife-cheated-on-me/649626/49 "2013-02-11T04:08:22Z")
> [@Doggo](#): > > And I disagree with you. > Nothing in real life is black and white. > What happens in a situation where one partner refuses to have sex, but otherwise the relationship is sound? Does the sex starved partner need to be celibate the rest of their life, or can they have occasional sex elsewhere? Then they can either work out a mutually acceptable extramarital sex system or else they can get a divorce. > [@](#): > > In any event, in my scenario, there is no “chasing tail”. It’s something spontaneous and unexpected. Buying a pack of Certs at the newsstand can be spontaneous. Accidentally soiling your pants during a fart can be unexpected. Marital infidelity is not too much like either of those things in that it is both potentially devastating to your existing familial structure and completely under your conscious control. > [@](#): > > I am not “blaming” anyone or saying there is “responsibility” for anything. We all make mistakes- is it worth destroying a good marriage over? > In my case, I say not. That is a determination that you are free to make for yourself, but it has no bearing on what anyone else should do or think. > [@](#): > > BTW, why do you asume it’s a male straying? What about a woman in a marriage where the husband is unable to have sex? They can either work it out above-board or get a divorce. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-my-wife-cheated-on-me/649626.md?page=2)