# So now I have a completely appropriate girlfriend **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 9, 2016, 9:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608 "2016-02-09T09:53:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2016, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/61 "2016-02-11T17:32:37Z")
> [@bobkitty](#): > > This woman could not possibly throw out more red flags, short of boiling your rabbit. This one immediately jumped out at me: > [@](#): > > She has, over the last couple decades, been with a string of abusive men (the last one took a freaking golf club to her) and she says that I am the first genuine “nice guy” she has ever met. :eek: This woman has (at the least) a history of horrible taste in men and/or completely unrealistic expectations of them. Maybe you’ll turn out to be the One True Exception and will live happily ever after, but after hearing that stuff about the “string of abusive men” I’d be backing away. ---
**Author:** ![chappachula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d2c977/32.png) [@chappachula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chappachula)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2016, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/62 "2016-02-11T18:53:09Z")
> [@](#): > > Rik, you should talk to this woman’s children - they’re 29 and 28 years old This is very good advice. (And it sounds like you really need some good advice.) > [@](#): > > Heh. “Hey, guys, is your mother…bonkers?” Well, yeah… But since you can’t say it directly…you do need to have some serious conversations with them, and quietly ask: "hey, guys: how often do you see your mother? What’s Christmas eve like every year–a warm and loving famly, or a scene from a bad TV show? Does she babysit your kids/and offer to help you, or does she nag you and ask you to help her? Does she depend on you financially? Did she ever hit you physically when you were kids? etc ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2016, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/63 "2016-02-11T18:57:25Z")
I got that “you’re the first nice guy, my last ex-husband was horrible to me” bit too. Then I became the convenient monster for her paranoia and willful martyrdom. Didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do, she was happy to make up brutal stories about me for the sympathy of others. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2016, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/64 "2016-02-11T18:58:19Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > Heh. “Hey, guys, is your mother…bonkers?” A random red flag story. During my long time with the now EX I NEVER heard any good stories about her departed mother. To be honest, she sounded like a nasty old bitch to put it simply. Eventually, that is what my EX became…a crabby, arguementative, stupid, drama queen of a bitch. Near the end…I went :smack:…like mother like daughter…why didn’t I see this before. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2016, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/65 "2016-02-11T19:16:34Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > I got that “you’re the first nice guy, my last ex-husband was horrible to me” bit too. > > Then I became the convenient monster for her paranoia and willful martyrdom. Didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do, she was happy to make up brutal stories about me for the sympathy of others. Right. One option is that she hooks up with abusive men all the time. Another option is that she hooks up with normal guys and makes up stories about how abusive they were. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2016, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/66 "2016-02-11T19:19:58Z")
Another option is she just hooks up with any guy that shows interest in her. Then finds out later some of them are buttholes. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2016, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/67 "2016-02-11T19:20:34Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > A random red flag story. > > During my long time with the now EX I NEVER heard any good stories about her departed mother. To be honest, she sounded like a nasty old bitch to put it simply. > > Eventually, that is what my EX became…a crabby, arguementative, stupid, drama queen of a bitch. > > Near the end…I went :smack:…like mother like daughter…why didn’t I see this before. Yes because every daughter turns into her mother. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2016, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/68 "2016-02-11T20:00:46Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > I got that “you’re the first nice guy, my last ex-husband was horrible to me” bit too. > > Then I became the convenient monster for her paranoia and willful martyrdom. Didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do, she was happy to make up brutal stories about me for the sympathy of others. [Karpman’s Drama Triangle](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle) strikes again! > [@](#): > > The Victim: > > The Victim’s stance is “Poor me!” The Victim feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed, and seems unable to make decisions, solve problems, take pleasure in life, or achieve insight. The Victim, if not being persecuted, will seek out a Persecutor and also a Rescuer who will save the day but also perpetuate the Victim’s negative feelings. > > The Rescuer: > > The rescuer’s line is “Let me help you.” A classic enabler, the Rescuer feels guilty if he/she doesn’t go to the rescue. Yet his/her rescuing has negative effects: It keeps the Victim dependent and gives the Victim permission to fail. The rewards derived from this rescue role are that the focus is taken off of the rescuer. When he/she focuses their energy on someone else, it enables them to ignore their own anxiety and issues. This rescue role is also very pivotal, because their actual primary interest is really an avoidance of their own problems disguised as concern for the victim’s needs. > > The Persecutor: > > The Persecutor insists, “It’s all your fault.” The Persecutor is controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritative, rigid, and superior. Yeah, I got caught in one of those once; every other man in her life had been the oppressive bully, and I was the first man she’d met who wasn’t like all the others - at least, until she kept trying to manipulate me into being the bad guy. I got out, but it was a close thing. ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2016, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/69 "2016-02-11T20:23:42Z")
This is sounding more and more like an Algebra wife. One where you’re going to see the **X** and wonder **Y**. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2016, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/70 "2016-02-11T21:16:17Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > Yes because every daughter turns into her mother. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: I never noticed I put an “every” in that post. Thanks for pointing it out. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![mascaroni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dc4da7/32.png) [@mascaroni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mascaroni)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2016, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/71 "2016-02-11T22:39:05Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > Right. One option is that she hooks up with abusive men all the time. Another option is that she hooks up with normal guys and makes up stories about how abusive they were. It’s quite possible for a normal woman to inadvertently end up with a perverted narcisisstic cunt. Obviously I’m not saying that is the case in this instance. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2016, 7:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/72 "2016-02-12T07:27:43Z")
I got married way too fast the first time around. We were both huddling together for warmth as the wolves bayed in the night. It was great, until it wasn’t. Then it really sucked. The best thing was that we never had kids The stupid part is that before the marriage I was aware that I shouldn’t, but the momentum of it all kept us going. I don’t see anything which demonstrates a need for speed on the marriage. It’s so much easier to tell people you got a littler carried away than to go through a divorce. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2016, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/73 "2016-02-12T14:57:24Z")
> [@mascaroni](#): > > It’s quite possible for a normal woman to inadvertently end up with a perverted narcisisstic cunt. Heh. I’m not used to men being referred to as c\*\*\*s, so I read this literally as about her own vagina and was 😕 ---
**Author:** ![mascaroni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dc4da7/32.png) [@mascaroni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mascaroni)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2016, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/74 "2016-02-12T18:03:07Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > Heh. I’m not used to men being referred to as c\*\*\*s, so I read this literally as about her own vagina and was 😕 It’s a term of endearment for blokes over her in Blighty. Well, usually… I wouldn’t dream of calling a woman that word, it would be Ungentlemanly Conduct. ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2016, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/75 "2016-02-13T18:13:40Z")
Anyone else concerned that the OP hasn’t posted since the morning of 2/11? ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2016, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/76 "2016-02-13T19:02:40Z")
> [@bobkitty](#): > > Anyone else concerned that the OP hasn’t posted since the morning of 2/11? Sorry, been busy, and been thinking. ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2016, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/77 "2016-02-14T01:30:47Z")
I don’t want to pile on, but I would feel bad if you end up like me and I didn’t say anything. The red flags are just crazy here from both sides. I didn’t want to be alone either, so I ignored them in my own situation. Also, I know plenty of Christians who co-habitate. Maybe your church is a very conservative one. I don’t know. My mother’s husband is in a church band, and I’m pretty sure he moved in with her several months before they got married. That reason sounds like something out of the 1950s to me, even for devout Christians. OK, maybe 1980s, since that’s when I was a kid and a do recall some sort social opposition to unmarried couples (but mostly only ones with kids) back then. I didn’t think it was a thing these days outside of maybe Duggar level religious types. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2016, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/78 "2016-02-14T06:18:34Z")
> [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](#): > > I don’t want to pile on, but I would feel bad if you end up like me and I didn’t say anything. The red flags are just crazy here from both sides. I didn’t want to be alone either, so I ignored them in my own situation. Also, I know plenty of Christians who co-habitate. Maybe your church is a very conservative one. I don’t know. My mother’s husband is in a church band, and I’m pretty sure he moved in with her several months before they got married. That reason sounds like something out of the 1950s to me, even for devout Christians. OK, maybe 1980s, since that’s when I was a kid and a do recall some sort social opposition to unmarried couples (but mostly only ones with kids) back then. I didn’t think it was a thing these days outside of maybe Duggar level religious types. Depends what you mean by “a thing”. I doubt the guidelines of the church have changed (I know they haven’t for Catholics), and sex outside of marriage is still considered sinful. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2016, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/79 "2016-02-15T02:01:56Z")
Okay, so here I am weighing in. While I hope everything works out for the OP, like others in this thread I too got the “you’re the first nice guy, my last ex-husband [or boyfriend] was horrible to me” treatment. Without exception, they turned out to be mentally unbalanced, and later on I was able to work out their previous relationships’ problems probably fell on their shoulders, at least to a large extent. One – the literally crazy nurse I’ve mentioned on the Board before – seemed to be goading me into hitting her. Which I never did, which in turn seemed seemed to provide ammunition about my “not being a real man.” I don’t even want to think about if we’d gotten married. Two months’ acquaintance is not long enough for marriage. Sure, some people pull it off including some in this thread. But those are rare exceptions. For two-month acquaintances, what would you think the ratio of disastrous marriages to successful ones is? It’s like marrying bargirls in Thailand – sure, it works out occasionally, but the vast majority are horror stories. I knew my wife almost three years before we were married, and we had been a couple for two years. I’d say at least a year – _maybe_ six months in some cases, but in general a year – is best before talking marriage. EDIT: Just remembered I was seeing a lady one time who had kept her wedding dress. She had a lot of gay friends and liked to wear it to gay bars. (We never discussed marriage. That was more of a casual fling.) ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2016, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608/80 "2016-03-05T01:59:35Z")
> [@The\_Stainless\_Steel\_Rat](#): > > I think it would be wise for both of you to sit down and discuss finances before tying the knot. You’ve never disguised from us that your financial state had been…wobbly…at times and I have no idea how your lady’s is. And one of the big arguments in any relationship is financial. When she and I met, I was in the depth of poverty. I was reduced to asking my church to help me pay my rent. And she still fell in love with me. > [@GusNSpot](#): > > Being happy is a choice and provided by yourself. > Eyes wide open. > No expectation of change in personality or beliefs or physical habit/preferences from her or you. While speaking with the people who know me, she said, “I know his patterns.” > [@Fenris](#): > > I agree with all you and elbows said, but let’s remember that she’s not the only one who’s throwing out red flags. He’s tossing them around like he’s in the Soviet Union on May Day: > > Red flag. Red is my favorite color. > [@](#): > > Does Michaelle want him to officiate? If she’s only been to your church a couple of times and won’t return She was legitimately ill/and-or suffering from PTSD-influenced inability to sleep. > [@](#): > > Red flag. The SDMB and internet stuff is fun, but if it’s your “social life”, from her POV, this should be a “Back away while maintaining eye contact” flag. She rescued me from the major depression I had been in since getting fired from [a job I loved](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=700592). > [@](#): > > Um—what you type remains when you’re stone-sober as well. Red flag. Erg. Yes, I know that what I type drunk remains. What I meant was that, when I speak completely sober, I may as well be drunk because “stupid” comes out of my mouth. I’m really bad at unexpected conversation. [/QUOTE] > [@mascaroni](#): > > “Fighting ignorance since 1973.” > > Well, I suppose I’m less ignorant of the motivations of a spanking enthusiast weirdo who seems to deem it important that his rather strange sexual fantasies should be shared with the rest of us (did you find the right girls knickers for your spanking, Rik?) Yes, yes I did. > [@](#): > > but it doesn’t really ring true with what the SD used to be. Well, what the SD reamed me a new asshole when I showed up in 2003, and I hopefully think I’ve wised up since then. > [@](#): > > Rik: You are the sort that hunts foxes round Windsor. > > Mods: Work that one out… I have no response to this. I have no idea what this means. ANYway … I took everybody’s comments to heart … and I’ve also spent my time with this woman. And so … We purchased our marriage license on March 1. Gonna happen. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-now-i-have-a-completely-appropriate-girlfriend/745608.md?page=5)