# So when the fuck is this Jesus dude coming back, already? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 7, 2010, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361 "2010-10-07T15:05:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![rayxi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/838e76/32.png) [@rayxi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rayxi)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/21 "2010-10-07T19:07:19Z")
Well, when you hear the clop clop clop of reindeer on the rooftop…oops…never mind, wrong guy. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/22 "2010-10-07T19:09:11Z")
> [@](#): > > Why’d he leave in the first place? Snuck over the border looking for work. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/23 "2010-10-07T19:15:30Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > Lenny Bruce in “Christ and Moses” had them coming back and visiting St. Patrick’s in New York. (Words don’t appear to be online.) Cardinal Spellman calls up Pope John to tell him. > > “Some guys dropped in. I can’t talk now. Who? \ ‘With a cross of um um’. No, not Zorro!” > > And, as chaos ensues as the lepers arrive, Spellman ends with > “What are we paying protection for, anyway?” We’re up to our ass in crutches and wheelchairs! ---
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/24 "2010-10-07T19:16:10Z")
> [@bucketybuck](#): > > He will return, when YOU accept him into your heart. > > Its on you my friend. So basically all us heathens are keeping him away? ---
**Author:** ![TimeWinder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bcef8e/32.png) [@TimeWinder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TimeWinder)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/25 "2010-10-07T19:16:46Z")
> [@Doughbag](#): > > > [@Bricker](#): > > > > The Earth is 14.6 billion years old. > > Not acording to the Jehovas Witness…so, thats like 6000 years only. Apparently they’re both getting their data from Wikipedia. Can I hear a vote for about 4.2 billion years, which is much close to the correct answer? ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/26 "2010-10-07T19:19:27Z")
Levon sent him to the finest school in town. ---
**Author:** ![pope\_hentai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ee59a6/32.png) [@pope\_hentai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pope_hentai)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/27 "2010-10-07T19:21:36Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Happened again this morning–someone handed me a tract and talked about Jesus “coming back.” > > I’ve been hearing about Jesus “coming back” for the past fifty years. WTF is he getting here? Are you kidding? did you SEE what they did to him last time he was here? or the alternate one… “hey god, why don’t you go back to visit earth?” Are you kidding, i visited once 2000 years ago, wound up knocking up some broad, and they STILL talk about it! ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/28 "2010-10-07T19:29:46Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > The Earth is 14.6 billion years old. > > Jesus was just here 2,000 years ago… he just left a second ago, cosmically speaking. What’s the rush? Hum, that makes the Earth at about 1 billion years older than the universe. Interesting thought. ---
**Author:** ![woodstockbirdybird](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/woodstockbirdybird/32/7905_2.png) [@woodstockbirdybird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/woodstockbirdybird)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/29 "2010-10-07T19:33:07Z")
> [@Morgenstern](#): > > > [@Bricker](#): > > > > The Earth is 14.6 billion years old. > > > > Jesus was just here 2,000 years ago… he just left a second ago, cosmically speaking. What’s the rush? > > Hum, that makes the Earth at about 1 billion years older than the universe. Interesting thought. Anything is possible when you have faith. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/30 "2010-10-07T19:40:48Z")
Look, it’s simple. He canonically came back from the dead; that makes him some sort of undead. Given his coherence, apparently as a vampire and not a zombie. He’s just been in hiding in embarrassment all these years because that whole “burned by holy objects” problem is highly awkward for a religious figure. Plus, vampires can’t stand the name of God or Jesus’s own name, so the last thing he wants is people following him around chanting “Praise Jesus”. **Followers:** “Praise Jesus!” **Jesus** : “Ow!” **Followers:** “Praise Jesus!” **Jesus** : “_Ow!_” **Followers:** “Praise Jesus!” **Jesus** : “OW! Stop that, for God’s_OWWWWW!!!_” ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/31 "2010-10-07T19:54:27Z")
I saw Jesus fight Muhammed in boxing match. Jesus won. A recent WBA champion is named Moses. Maybe he’ll get to fight Jesus or Muhammed some day. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/32 "2010-10-07T19:54:52Z")
> [@woodstockbirdybird](#): > > > [@Morgenstern](#): > > > > Hum, that makes the Earth at about 1 billion years older than the universe. Interesting thought. > > Anything is possible when you have faith. Or don’t own a calculator. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/33 "2010-10-07T20:24:36Z")
Never. There’s too much money to be made in predicting his return, along with all those apocalypse scenarios. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/34 "2010-10-07T20:32:18Z")
[“Interview with Jesus”](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeGA2o3KXmM) “They were a great bunch of guys…they smelled a little like bait, but ah, they were a great bunch of guys.” Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/35 "2010-10-07T20:32:21Z")
> [@Meatros](#): > > Why’d he leave in the first place? I heard he had some kind of tax beef with The Man. ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/36 "2010-10-07T20:42:08Z")
[knopfler] Two men say they’re Jesus; one of them must be wrong [/knopfler] ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/37 "2010-10-07T20:46:07Z")
Even a broken Jesus is right twice a day. ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/38 "2010-10-07T20:52:00Z")
As long as he bring pie. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/39 "2010-10-07T20:53:43Z")
> [@BubbaDog](#): > > [knopfler] Two men say they’re Jesus; one of them must be wrong [/knopfler] Or Borg. “WHY DO YOU RESIST? WE ONLY WISH TO IMPROVE THE HOLINESS OF ALL PEOPLE. YOU WILL ALL BECOME ONE…WITH THE LORD.” - Jesus of Borg ---
**Author:** ![rayxi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/838e76/32.png) [@rayxi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rayxi)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2010, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/40 "2010-10-07T20:55:12Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Levon sent him to the finest school in town. No, he went to Venus, leaving Levon far behind. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361.md?page=3)