# So when the fuck is this Jesus dude coming back, already? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 7, 2010, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361 "2010-10-07T15:05:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![aldiboronti](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc348/32.png) [@aldiboronti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aldiboronti)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/61 "2010-10-09T04:39:52Z")
Well, he said he’d be straight back. (At least that’s how the first Christians figured it who believed his Kingdom would come in their lifetime). It’s taking longer than he thought. ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/62 "2010-10-09T04:45:16Z")
He did come back. About a week after he first died. Then he died again. It’s all done. ---
**Author:** ![foolsguinea](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foolsguinea/32/14751_2.png) [@foolsguinea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/foolsguinea)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/63 "2010-10-09T05:03:50Z")
When a prophecy goes unfulfilled past its expiry date, it means it’s false. Jesus did not come back in a human generation. The prophecy was wrong. It’s up to us to be our own saviors (in the Jewish, social, this-world sense), not to look back to Jesus to be more than he could be. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/64 "2010-10-09T06:01:44Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > > [@Colibri](#): > > > > My favorite Lenny Bruce routine about Christ (paraphrased): > > > > They say we Jews killed Christ. > > > > And I admit it. They’re right. We did. > > > > And if he tries to come back, _we’ll kill him again._ > > I heard a version that said “Sure we killed Christ. He didn’t want to become a doctor.” > And a less funny version about it happening in a basement during a party. My favorite Jews-killed-Jesus joke is from Bill Hicks: > [@](#): > > A guy says, “I hate Jews,” and I said, “Why?” He goes, “Because they killed my God.” They believe that. If I believed that the Jews killed my God, I’d worship the Jews, 'cause shit, there’s some badasses on that team, man. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/65 "2010-10-09T07:19:15Z")
He will bring with him the first copy of Duke Nukem Forever. ---
**Author:** ![I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/i_love_me_vol.i/32/521_2.png) [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Love_Me_Vol.I)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/66 "2010-10-09T07:24:58Z")
And Mr. Hicks explains [why Jesus hasn’t come back yet](http://www.happylives.net/JokesBillHicks.html) better than anyone. It’s simple: [QUOTE=Hicks] “A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back, he’s really going to want to see a fucking cross? Ow! Maybe that’s why he hasn’t shown up yet…it’s like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant…just thinking of John…” [/QUOTE] At a different performance he adds: > [@](#): > > “I’m not going, Dad. No, they’re still wearing crosses—they totally missed the point. When they start wearing fishes, I might go back again." “When the fuck is Jesus coming back?” Judging by the vanity of Christians (and humans in general) the answer is apparently “never”. ---
**Author:** ![marshmallow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@marshmallow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marshmallow)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 8:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/67 "2010-10-09T08:57:45Z")
Apparently the entire universe took a week to finalize, which has been fanwanked by modern readers to mean a day is several billion years. I wouldn’t hold your breath. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 9:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/68 "2010-10-09T09:37:30Z")
I hope someone’s tossing this biscuit in the trash when you’re all done with it. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Locrian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/locrian/32/14146_2.png) [@Locrian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Locrian)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/69 "2010-10-09T11:01:06Z")
Well, he’s been on a sandwich or two, a dog’s ass, a Cheeto… Ya ain’t looking hard enough, Annie! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uosdwis_R.Dewoh)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/70 "2010-10-09T11:10:11Z")
> [@EvilTOJ](#): > > He will bring with him the first copy of Duke Nukem Forever. :eek: Jesus is coming back next February! ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/71 "2010-10-09T11:10:53Z")
> [@BubbaDog](#): > > After Eli and Quinn the Eskimo but before those four guys on horses. > > I’m guessing 7:30 next Tuesday. You left out Shane. SHAAAAAAAAANNNNE!! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![BigBertha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d78d45/32.png) [@BigBertha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigBertha)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/72 "2010-10-09T15:51:26Z")
May 33rd. ---
**Author:** ![Dallas\_Jones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dallas_jones/32/3277_2.png) [@Dallas\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dallas_Jones)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/73 "2010-10-09T17:21:00Z")
\*\*So when the fuck is this Jesus dude coming back, already? \*\* He was almost ready to return to work when HR told him that he must use up all his accrued sick leave and vacation time before the Second Coming, or lose it. So it’s going to be awhile. ---
**Author:** ![PlainJain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5daacb/32.png) [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/74 "2010-10-09T20:31:07Z")
He’s already came back but the FBI killed him in Waco, TX. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/75 "2010-10-09T21:11:47Z")
> [@Colibri](#): > > My favorite Lenny Bruce routine about Christ (paraphrased): > > They say we Jews killed Christ. > > And I admit it. They’re right. We did. > > And if he tries to come back, _we’ll kill him again._ Nah, this time it would be the right-wingers. Since he (unlike oh say Messers Limbaugh or Hannity) won’t be telling them what they want to hear, they’d be first in line with the whips, boards, and nails once it becomes clear that he’s not on their side. ---
**Author:** ![Icerigger](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icerigger/32/432_2.png) [@Icerigger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icerigger)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/76 "2010-10-09T21:41:40Z")
[QUOTE=Morgenstern] Reminds me of the old joke… A knock on the pope’s door… Your Holiness, I have good news and bad. What is it my son… It’s Jesus, he’s returned. Well then how can there be any bad news my son? But Your Holiness, he’s in Salt Lake City… [/QUOTE] I think that would be Palmyra, New York.😉 ---
**Author:** ![Patch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a183cd/32.png) [@Patch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patch)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2010, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/77 "2010-10-10T02:37:06Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > > [@BubbaDog](#): > > > > [knopfler] Two men say they’re Jesus; one of them must be wrong [/knopfler] > > [Sometimes three is insufficient to convince.](http://www.slate.com/id/2255105/) But the fat one balances the two skinny ones! ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2010, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/78 "2010-10-10T03:34:35Z")
Jesus is alive and well. I know this because back in the 80’s he sent my father a letter announcing God’s plan to throw all the fallen angels down a black hole. He’s very crafty. To avoid detection he changed his name to Nunziati. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2010, 8:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/79 "2010-10-10T08:28:55Z")
I asked Jesus this very question once. He looked at me and said [QUOTE=Jesus] As soon as I can play the fucking piano again! [/Quote] I’m just making that up. Actually he came back in the 50’s with his angel Gort. ---
**Author:** ![monavis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e0b2c6/32.png) [@monavis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monavis)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2010, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361/80 "2010-10-10T12:15:51Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Happened again this morning–someone handed me a tract and talked about Jesus “coming back.” > > I’ve been hearing about Jesus “coming back” for the past fifty years. WTF is he getting here? If they read their Bible they would see in Matthew 16; Jesus is quoted as saying he was going to return in his father’s glory with all his angels,and he would reward every man according to his work, and some of the ones standing there listening to him would not see death until it happened. So it should have happened 2,000 years ago,but apparently didn’t or wasn’t recorded. This is contrary to the book of Revalations, so one or the other must be wrong! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-when-the-fuck-is-this-jesus-dude-coming-back-already/556361.md?page=5)