# So who's being the bigger jerk in this situation? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 7, 2012, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221 "2012-11-07T15:09:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![missred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missred/32/14096_2.png) [@missred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missred)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/41 "2012-11-07T19:04:01Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > \ > In other news I am actually heading to Old Hickory this weekend, with cake, to hang out with my best friend and her husband and cruelly mock them about the election. I’d offer you a piece of cake if I weren’t me. > \ 🙂 Um…you know there are more of us around Nashville than **St G** don’t you? When come, bring cake. 😉 (too bad I’ll be in west TN this weekend) ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/42 "2012-11-07T19:10:11Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > I’m astonished to see how many people suggest that it’s okay to be a jerk to someone who might think she’s being friendly. She might think she’s coming across as friendly but she’s causing the opposite impression. Sometimes the best teacher is consequence. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/43 "2012-11-07T19:19:44Z")
> [@hrhomer](#): > > If she actually thinks you’re faking it, and is calling you on it, she’s cunting it up old-style, and does not deserve your baked goods Concur both in content and expression. ---
**Author:** ![Otara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a88e4f/32.png) [@Otara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otara)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/44 "2012-11-07T19:23:04Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > I’m astonished to see how many people suggest that it’s okay to be a jerk to someone who might think she’s being friendly. Treats for some and not for others is pretty classic social exclusion. I don’t like male related comments much either but do view intention as having some relevance -in my view this is a sledgehammer for a solution. Burning bridges at work by this kind of indirect communication rarely ends well in my view. Otara ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/45 "2012-11-07T19:23:08Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > She might think she’s coming across as friendly but she’s causing the opposite impression. Sometimes the best teacher is consequence. No, that’s just being a jerk and mean. If Skald is truly upset, he should take her aside and tell her “Look, I understand that you might just be joshing, but those kinds of comments hurt my feelings.” Insult-style joking is a very common way for people to interact with each other and establish intimacy. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it. If Skald personally doesn’t like it, he should address it in a positive way. Shooting it down with a rejection like Skald did is far, far worse than anything the woman might have done inadvertently. It’s never okay to make someone feel rejected in this way, especially if they might not realize that they are unintentionally coming across badly. ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/46 "2012-11-07T19:32:49Z")
First of all - Her. No question. > [@G0sp3l](#): > > Also, you bake?! Never saw that coming. Not casting any aspersions. 🙂 Haven’t you noticed that most hypotheticals come with a baked goods option? > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I was making a joke. I do that. You’d know that if you could be arsed to read the RhymerFaq, which incidentally contains a recipe for turning butterscotch into gold. Wouldn’t a more valuable recipe be one that turns gold into butterscotch? ---
**Author:** ![Weedy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/weedy/32/301_2.png) [@Weedy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weedy)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/47 "2012-11-07T19:40:51Z")
Surely she is just joking around. She will probably take Skalds comments about denying her cake as him joking back. I think, Skald, if you have an actual problem with her teasing, it would be better to communicate that more clearly. ---
**Author:** ![Krouget](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b38774/32.png) [@Krouget](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Krouget)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/48 "2012-11-07T19:47:39Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > The question is this: which of us is being the **bigger** jerk? In this case, I think you are. It sounds like she’s attempting to tease you, but isn’t very good at it, which can be awkward, as the two of you don’t know each other well. The end result, is that the former person rubs the other wrong, leaving a less-than-favorable impression. She sounds like two people I’ve recently interacted with, who made similar comments, but with the intention to serve as an ice-breaker. In this situation, I’d give the benefit of the doubt, as it’s rare that someone would boldly insult another like that, _while_ returning to eat something they made/purchased, especially in a workplace. Of course, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take offense to it. Feel free to approach and have a discussion with her, in order to voice your position. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/49 "2012-11-07T20:12:36Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > No, that’s just being a jerk and mean. If Skald is truly upset, he should take her aside and tell her “Look, I understand that you might just be joshing, but those kinds of comments hurt my feelings.” I agree that this would be the most adult thing to do. ---
**Author:** ![Yorikke](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yorikke/32/4335_2.png) [@Yorikke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yorikke)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/50 "2012-11-07T20:14:29Z")
> [@Weedy](#): > > Surely she is just joking around. She will probably take Skalds comments about denying her cake as him joking back. I think, Skald, if you have an actual problem with her teasing, it would be better to communicate that more clearly. But what about the withheld cake? That’s no joke, and she will feel shame. ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/51 "2012-11-07T20:22:02Z")
Look, I’m from Ireland, home of the slagging. One of the main ways to be friendly around here is by insulting someone. If she’d said, ‘No way did you make that, a space cadet like you would’ve put in hamster bedding instead of chocolate,’ or something like that, I wouldn’t have the same reaction. But sexism is not cute, it’s not funny and it’s not friendly. If a guy said to me, ‘I don’t believe you did x, no woman could do that good a job of it, huh huh huh,’ I wouldn’t think ‘Aww, isn’t that lovely, he’s being friendly,’ I’d think he was a fucktard. And I don’t go with the idea that sexism against guys is somehow OK. She was being a jerk. Whether she thought it was cute or not. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/52 "2012-11-07T20:39:15Z")
This discussion reminds me of the time a coworker commented about a sandwich I brought in for lunch, she called it a “bachelor sandwich” or something along those lines. I was insulted, it was a perfectly nice sandwich. Multiple sandwich meats, hot peppers, lettuce, etc. Not like my coworker who makes PB&J by putting a blob of PB and a blob of J on white bread, then mashing it together. I made an effort to craft a nice sandwich for myself, and she was ragging on me. Literally years later, long after we moved on in our respective jobs and parted ways, did I come to believe it was actually a complement. I had made a large, meaty sandwich with all kinds of stuff piled on, just the kind of sandwich a bachelor would take the time to make for himself. Here I am remembering the comment 15 years later. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/53 "2012-11-07T20:45:15Z")
It kind of sounds to me like a juvenile form of flirting. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/54 "2012-11-07T20:46:01Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > I had made a large, meaty sandwich with all kinds of stuff piled on, just the kind of sandwich a bachelor would take the time to make for himself. Dagwood Bumstead is married to a professional caterer, and he still makes sandwiches like this for himself. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/55 "2012-11-07T20:53:30Z")
Hypothetical universe: Her: “Yeah, sure. No man can cook from scratch like this.” Skald: "Did you figure that out all by yourself, or did a man help you? ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/56 "2012-11-07T20:59:11Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Nope. _Receptionists_ are (sometimes) hired for being hot; _admins_ need to be organized, smart, and reliable, all of which which she is (though happily not especially ambitious). A wise man keeps a good admin happy, as she can either make your life much, much easier or much, much harder. DAMN right! This rule applies to nurses as well. If you’re ever unfortunate enough to find yourself in the hospital be as nice as humanly possible to the nurses. Being mean to the nurses means while they will still perform their duties professionally they aren’t about to bend over backwards for you. Being nice to them mean 2 desserts 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/57 "2012-11-07T21:25:40Z")
Maybe now that she has been denied delicious double chocolate cake she will understand that not all teasing is created equal, if she was indeed teasing and not being a tremendous jerk. I’m still really on the fence about the teasing - I’m a huge teaser at work, and I don’t think anyone that I tease ever gets the impression that I’m seriously being nasty to them. I don’t just tease willy-nilly, either, though - I get to know people first to make sure that they won’t take it the wrong way. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/58 "2012-11-07T21:41:17Z")
> [@zoid](#): > > Being mean to the nurses means while they will still perform their duties professionally they aren’t about to bend over backwards for you. I’m also led to believe that it means cold thermometers and unlubed catheters. ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/59 "2012-11-07T22:20:48Z")
She’s the jerk. The fact that she brought it up continously and laughing indicates to me she was serious. Pretty sexist as well, besides aren’t some of the best chefs in the world men ? We had a pot luck at work recently I made a pasta salad and one woman there didn’t believe I made it myself. “But there’s fresh basil in there, men don’t add fresh herbs to food” Actually it’s fresh oregano, I quipped. That shut her up. ---
**Author:** ![thirdwarning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecccb3/32.png) [@thirdwarning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thirdwarning)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/60 "2012-11-07T22:22:29Z")
She might be clueless, but she’s rudely clueless, and it’s doing her no favors to let her go on thinking she’s just teasing when it comes across as sexist and jerkish. And completely outside of sexist, ‘what mix did you use’ is just wrong. If someone gives you something, you say thank you, and if you have to say something more it should be something like. ‘this is really good’ or ‘I’m impressed with people who can do this’. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221.md?page=4)