# So who's being the bigger jerk in this situation? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 7, 2012, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221 "2012-11-07T15:09:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/61 "2012-11-07T22:26:25Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I’m still really on the fence about the teasing - I’m a huge teaser at work, and I don’t think anyone that I tease ever gets the impression that I’m seriously being nasty to them. I don’t just tease willy-nilly, either, though - I get to know people first to make sure that they won’t take it the wrong way. Like you said, the thing about teasing you have to know the person for awhile before the relationship gets to that point where teasing is acceptable. Even then some people don’t like it. ---
**Author:** ![Zabali\_Clawbane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecd19e/32.png) [@Zabali\_Clawbane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zabali_Clawbane)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/62 "2012-11-07T22:27:25Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > Sounds like a good response to me as far as petty conflicts go. **However, I would challenge her to a bakeoff in front of the whole office** and come decked out in chef’s gear and really play it up. ^^ This. Offer to give a demonstration on how to bake brownies or the like if she declines the contest. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/63 "2012-11-07T22:53:23Z")
She is. You’re actually not being a jerk at all. You’re not baking for the entire office and you have every right to exclude someone from outside your section if the whole point was to bring a treat for your co-workers/employees. ---
**Author:** ![Faruiza](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecd19e/32.png) [@Faruiza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Faruiza)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/64 "2012-11-07T23:09:15Z")
She’s a dick. Mooching a goodie from someone you hardly know is grounds for copious thank yous and some sort of favor in the future. ASKING for more next time when you haven’t made any moves toward knowing the person better or repayment of first favor is tacky. Badgering you when you show up first thing for a THIRD mooch, and when told no for perfectly legit reasons, continuing to beg is just…not done. As for what she said while doing all this, this is the rotten cherry on top. Don’t care if she’s just socially awkward. Nobody gets rewarded for bad behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/65 "2012-11-07T23:11:52Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > Like you said, the thing about teasing you have to know the person for awhile before the relationship gets to that point where teasing is acceptable. Even then some people don’t like it. The ones I tease usually respond with a huge belly-laugh, and they give as good as they get. This doesn’t sound like the situation with **Skald** at all - if he was never laughing at my teasing, and looked kind of pissed-off, my teasing would end for him immediately; unlike the woman in the OP, I’m not a clueless git. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Faruiza](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecd19e/32.png) [@Faruiza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Faruiza)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/66 "2012-11-07T23:16:18Z")
That’s another thing. (Damn you edit time limit!) If I had any kind of heart at all for this crap, I’d feel sorry for her that she’s never known what a beautiful thing it is to have a man be great in the kitchen. I have one of those. He doesn’t bake (that’s my thing sometimes) but he can make a delicious meal out of anything. I can’t. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/67 "2012-11-07T23:41:03Z")
She’s a sexist bitch. And a mooch. I hate people like that. I really hate people like her. I mean, seriously what is up with people who don’t believe what they are told about homemade things? I would make sure she never got another single piece of any baked good I brought into the office…ever. I would forbid my team for giving her some. There’s not “bigger jerk” there’s just her - the jerk. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/68 "2012-11-07T23:54:38Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > Can’t be sure of course, but I think the lady is trying to pay you a compliment. Yes, she’s going about it all wrong, but she obviously loves the desserts, so I’m inclined to doubt that she understands that she is being rude and offending you. Some people have trouble “reading” the reactions of others and have no idea that their idea of friendly teasing isn’t being taken that way. You say you accept teasing only from friends, but some see this kind of teasing as a way of establishing friendship. Likewise for trotting out tired gender syereotypes, etc. to create common ground: we both know men can’t bake, har har! > So, she is in the wrong, for being oblivious, but I would forgive her possible lack of social skill and share some cake. Give her a pass for the first instance and her sexist remark, but the second instance and remark was unacceptable and Skald should have made a quick reply telling her as much. > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > … > A few weeks ago, I brought some fudge brownies in. They were a hit. One woman in the office–not one of my subordinates, incidentally, but a customer service manager _ **whom I don’t know well** _–heard about the free brownies, came over to get one, and gushed. “Lucy” asked me what mix I had used; I told her there wasn’t one, as for my purposes a mix is contraindicated. She laughed and said, “Yeah, sure. No man can cook from scratch like this.” She also ate the brownie. I was mildly annoyed. My bolding…Skald, Let this one go…give her the benefit of the doubt. She made an awkward comment (regardless of intention). You didn’t know her well and she didn’t know you well either. > [@](#): > > Last week I made a cheesecake. Not a no-bake cheesecake, but a real one. Again Lucy came in for a piece; again she suggested that I hadn’t really baked it, this time suggesting I’d bought it and placed it on my plate just to get praise. I told her she was wrong; again she said that couldn’t possibly be true. This time I was seriously annoyed. Here would have been the time to set her straight and let her know how annoyed you are/were, and see if she apologizes or keeps up the sexist comments. > [@](#): > > Last night while watching the election I made a chocolate chocolate cake that will probably shave 20 minutes off the life expectancy of anyone who eats it. Lucy came saw me bringing it in and came by a few minutes ago (which was ridiculously early) and asked for a piece. I declined, citing the Skald’s-team-goes-first rule. (Which isn’t absolute; if the department admin wants a piece she always gets one for reasons left as an exercise for the class.) She then asked me to save her one, and I refused to do that as well, explaining that, since she didn’t believe I could actually cook, I wouldn’t want to force her to pretend to like what I had made. > > Clearly I am being over-sensitive here. But then, I’m an unrepentant jackass on many issues, so I don’t care. The question is this: which of us is being the **bigger** jerk? Had you addressed the situation on the second, you would absolutely know how to handle her this time. But, she was/is the jerk. Now, Dammit! PM a piece of cake! ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/69 "2012-11-07T23:56:24Z")
I don’t blame you at all. As another man baker I understand the pride you take in your cooking, if it is not appreciated then give it to someone who does. Man to Man if you want my secret family recipe for cinnamon rolls I will give it to you via PM. My moms dentist gave her free dental care for 2 sheets of roll per visit. They have become locally famous around the neighborhood . ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2012, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/70 "2012-11-08T00:04:23Z")
Good manners do not require you to give yummy food to people who insult you. If this woman is actually a decent but clueless person, the ball is now in her court to apologize to you. No apology, no more goodies. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2012, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/71 "2012-11-08T00:27:23Z")
\ Can I have some cake? ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2012, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/72 "2012-11-08T01:09:11Z")
> [@laina\_f](#): > > Good manners do not require you to give yummy food to people who insult you. They do require you not to deny a request in a manner that’s humiliating. Actually it should never have gotten to the point of Skald rejecting her request for cake. He should have stepped in and said “I don’t really like that kind of joking” but while handing over the cake. ---
**Author:** ![mascaroni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dc4da7/32.png) [@mascaroni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mascaroni)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2012, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/73 "2012-11-08T04:58:29Z")
> [@Moonlitherial](#): > > Wouldn’t a more valuable recipe be one that turns gold into butterscotch? Enough of the Homer Simpson quotes… Give her the cake **Skald** , she’s teasing… but threaten to withhold the forthcoming triple chocolate cake if she gives the impression that she doesn’t believe you. > [@hrhomer](#): > > …she’s cunting it up old-style… It’s nice to see you lot across The Pond using traditional English phrases… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2012, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/74 "2012-11-08T07:21:39Z")
My vote: fuck her, and the horse she rode in on. She is being a jerk. **Skald** , you’re doing the right thing, even if you’re being a little mean. As I read this thread, I’m thinking of a tall, cold glass of milk to go with those brownies and cake. **Skald** , you claim your baking is good, but we won’t just take you at your word. Show us the evidence - let us decide! ---
**Author:** ![Corcaigh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Corcaigh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corcaigh)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2012, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/75 "2012-11-08T13:31:24Z")
She’s the jerk and she sounds like she’s a narcissist who thinks she’s the only person in the universe who can bake from scratch and has to put you in your place as not being able to bake from scratch, because you’re not allowed to be better than her at anything. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2012, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/76 "2012-11-08T13:35:14Z")
You should have made her admit you are a great baker in exchange for a piece of cake. I’d say you’re both being kind of jerky here. But in your defense, she started it. In her defense, you’re Skald. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2012, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/77 "2012-11-08T14:27:58Z")
> [@echo7tango](#): > > As I read this thread, I’m thinking of a tall, cold glass of milk to go with those brownies and cake. Where did the milk come from? No man can make a glass of milk like that. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2012, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/78 "2012-11-08T17:11:00Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > They do require you not to deny a request in a manner that’s humiliating. Actually it should never have gotten to the point of Skald rejecting her request for cake. He should have stepped in and said “I don’t really like that kind of joking” but while handing over the cake. Except he didn’t deny her request in a manner that’s humiliating. He gave pretty much the answers I would expect from Judith Martin herself. Humiliating would have been if he’d loudly announced that he didn’t feed sexist bitchy mooches from other departments who repeatedly insulted him. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2012, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/79 "2012-11-08T17:22:30Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Except he didn’t deny her request in a manner that’s humiliating. He gave pretty much the answers I would expect from Judith Martin herself. I doubt very much that Judith Martin would go along with this. Do you have any specific evidence of this? I think Judith Martin would be okay with saying, “I can’t promise you that I’ll save a piece – after my team gets theirs, it’s only fair if it’s first-come, first-serve. But you’re welcome to stop by to see if there is any left.” Absent evidence otherwise, I don’t believe she would ever go along with this little swipe: “since she didn’t believe I could actually cook, I wouldn’t want to force her to pretend to like what I had made.” That’s an out-and-out rejection, and it’s gratuitous. ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2012, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/80 "2012-11-08T17:57:35Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > I doubt very much that Judith Martin would go along with this. Do you have any specific evidence of this? > > I think Judith Martin would be okay with saying, “I can’t promise you that I’ll save a piece – after my team gets theirs, it’s only fair if it’s first-come, first-serve. But you’re welcome to stop by to see if there is any left.” Absent evidence otherwise, I don’t believe she would ever go along with this little swipe: “since she didn’t believe I could actually cook, I wouldn’t want to force her to pretend to like what I had made.” That’s an out-and-out rejection, and it’s gratuitous. No, it’s not gatuitous or humiliating. She has insulted his baking on two occasions and called him a liar. ‘Nah, you wouldn’t want any of this crummy store-bought cake’ is a perfect response sends a pretty clear message. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221.md?page=5)