# So who's being the bigger jerk in this situation? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 7, 2012, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221 "2012-11-07T15:09:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2012, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/81 "2012-11-08T17:58:10Z")
Wouldn’t you think a guy who makes so many lame jokes himself, he personally requires an FAQ would cut another misunderstood joker some slack. But apparently not. > [@](#): > > I was making a joke. I do that. Yeah, well, guess what? She was making a joke. People do that. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2012, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/82 "2012-11-08T18:04:00Z")
> [@SmellMyWort](#): > > She has insulted his baking on two occasions and called him a liar. ‘Nah, you wouldn’t want any of this crummy store-bought cake’ is a perfect response sends a pretty clear message. You don’t actually know that she was being insulting. Intent matters in human interaction. And even if it was an insult, neither Judith Martin nor any other etiquette maven I’ve seen has ever endorsed answering one insult with another. A: May I have some of this thing that I am obviously enjoying? B: No, you may not. That’s a _rejection_ in terms of human interaction, and it hurts. It is not acceptable to gratuitously hurt someone. And it _is_ gratuitous because it was unnecessary. As I have said before, if Skald doesn’t like the way she interacts with him, then the appropriate way to deal with it is to address the issue directly with her, not to exact petty revenge. > [@elbows](#): > > Yeah, well, guess what? She was making a joke. People do that. Exactly. ---
**Author:** ![Lasciel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lasciel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lasciel)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2012, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/83 "2012-11-08T18:18:40Z")
I agree that rejection hurts. And sometimes people (especially clueless overly insulting selfish harpy) learn best from something that hurts. The burned hand teaches best, yes? I agree that niceness is usually better. But some people are immune to niceness. They just don’t see that sort of behavior as being nice. They see it as being WEAK. I’m getting that impression from this person. If she **wasn’t** a clueless overly insulting selfish harpy, she would have picked up on Skald being unhappy about her comments the first two times, and she wouldn’t have been an obvious and unashamed mooch at all. These are social contracts that normal people pick up on and abide by. But not this person! Obviously, this person has not learned from other nice social friendly interactions. I would bet that If Skald said “I don’t like your comments/insults” and still gave her lovely baked goods, she would scarf the noms, and immediately “joke” about him being thin-skinned and how cute that is - and then continue to insult and mooch and be an inconsiderate bitch as long as he politely asked her to stop, and still gave her what she wants. Take away what she wants and she has an incentive! Call her out on it loud and clear, since she obviously hasn’t noticed social niceties so far. It takes a bit of a jerk to make an impression. Now you have, and I bet she’ll behave herself in future, or she’ll avoid Skald altogether. Either way, Skald wins. ---
**Author:** ![Otara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a88e4f/32.png) [@Otara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otara)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2012, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/84 "2012-11-08T19:25:50Z")
Those aren’t the only two possibilities unfortunately. There are many many ways to lose in unnecessary workplace fights. Edit: one Of which is to end up in multi page threads still wondering about it days later, instead of having not even remembered it by now. Otara ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2012, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/85 "2012-11-12T18:13:50Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Wouldn’t you think a guy who makes so many lame jokes himself, he personally requires an FAQ would cut another misunderstood joker some slack. > > But apparently not. > > Yeah, well, guess what? She was making a joke. People do that. Work-Skald is not the same person as Board-Skald. That said… > [@echo7tango](#): > > My vote: fuck her, and the horse she rode in on. > > She is being a jerk. **Skald** , you’re doing the right thing, even if you’re being a little mean. … they’re enough alike that work-skald was \*\*intending \*\*to be mean. _That_ said > [@Acsenray](#): > > You don’t actually know that she was being insulting. Intent matters in human interaction. And even if it was an insult, neither Judith Martin nor any other etiquette maven I’ve seen has ever endorsed answering one insult with another. > > A: May I have some of this thing that I am obviously enjoying? > B: No, you may not. > > That’s a _rejection_ in terms of human interaction, and it hurts. It is not acceptable to gratuitously hurt someone. And it _is_ gratuitous because it was unnecessary. As I have said before, if Skald doesn’t like the way she interacts with him, then the appropriate way to deal with it is to address the issue directly with her, not to exact petty revenge. So I should have exacted **grand** revenge? 😉 Anyway, it was meant to hurt, though not very much. But this wasn’t a rejection; it was a denial. The terms are not synonymous. I’m not really seeing why, **even if I had not been deliberately and consciously setting out to get this woman the fuck out of my office** , I would have been obliged to say “yes” to her request for cake. It was my cake, after all. No one was entitled to it except me and my team. Are you saying that I **must** accede to any request for pastries, pizza, or whatever other goodies I make? If so, why? ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2012, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/86 "2012-11-12T18:29:06Z")
Next time she makes a joke like this, lean forward with a pained expression and say, “I know you’re trying to make a joke, but _women can’t be funny_.” ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2012, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/87 "2012-11-12T19:22:35Z")
Saying someone is lying in order to get praise is not acceptable behavior. If it’s not acceptable behavior, it definitely isn’t rewardable behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2012, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/88 "2012-11-12T21:48:16Z")
Give her a piece of cake. Then release the cake-seeking bees. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2012, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/89 "2012-11-12T22:12:40Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Next time she makes a joke like this, lean forward with a pained expression and say, “I know you’re trying to make a joke, but _women can’t be funny_.” This is a perfect response. And let the uncomfortable silence linger … ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2012, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/90 "2012-11-13T00:19:14Z")
> [@FlyByNight512](#): > > Yeah, even if she’s trying to make a joke, she’s being rude as hell and needs to be shut down. I’d go with a “hm, what a sexist thing to say” response, probably. Or “Yes, everyone knows that having a penis makes certain types of cooking impossible.” To be fair, men probably are better at beating until stiff peaks form. But yeah, sexist, and rude to continue after getting clues that you were not amused. ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2012, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/91 "2012-11-13T00:47:49Z")
Make a dozen of so chocolate-chocolate cupcakes. With one decorate it with frosting that has a face on it and save it for her. When she stops by for one, tell her you made one (from scratch) just for her. Then say, “You can have my cake, and eat it, too. Just this once.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2012, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/92 "2012-11-13T00:49:33Z")
I’m going to go with her. You don’t go and collect free food from people and then insult them about it. Most certainly, no one should make a habit of that practice and then be surprised that there are consequences (ie, suddenly no more free food for you!). Then there’s also the issue of her not being well known/familiar/friendly terms with you and pulling that shit. And you did, more or less, make the point about the stupid insulting comments. No way I’m going to fault you for how you did it. > [@](#): > > If Skald is truly upset, he should take her aside and tell her “Look, I understand that you might just be joshing, but those kinds of comments hurt my feelings.” Yeah, and then he should melodramatically weep and flail about, throwing his head back and covering his eyes with his arm. :rolleyes: I’m more in the school of “fucking knock it off” than “boo hoo, you hurt my feelings!” ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2012, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/93 "2012-11-13T00:59:40Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Anyway, it was meant to hurt, though not very much. Well, then there is no further need for discussion. You meant to hurt her. You’re being the bigger jerk. It’s self-evident. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2012, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/94 "2012-11-13T01:02:35Z")
\ Some dopers have really odd views of the world. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2012, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/95 "2012-11-13T01:13:49Z")
Intending to hurt someone is more jerkish than unintentionally hurting someone. It’s axiomatic. If that’s an “odd view of the world,” I really don’t understand the world you live in. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2012, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/96 "2012-11-13T03:18:04Z")
Her. Tell her that if you didn’t really cook it, she should go to a stroe and buy one of her own that’s just as good. Oh and have her watch Sweet Genius. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2012, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/97 "2012-11-13T03:26:12Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > She’s the jerk. The fact that she brought it up continously and laughing indicates to me she was serious. Pretty sexist as well, besides aren’t some of the best chefs in the world men ? > > We had a pot luck at work recently I made a pasta salad and one woman there didn’t believe I made it myself. “But there’s fresh basil in there, men don’t add fresh herbs to food” > > Actually it’s fresh oregano, I quipped. That shut her up. One of Mrs. Cad’s gay friends accused me of being in the closet because I grew fresh herbs to use in my cooking. Meanwhile thay are scarfing down homemade pasta in a butter and fresh herb sauce. I asked did it make the pasta taste good and he said it tasted great. I said “So a guy has to be gay to make great tasting food?” ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2012, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/98 "2012-11-13T06:29:01Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I suspect she’s just teasing. I don’t take to teasing well unless I’m already friends with someone (and, excepting message boards, I don’t tease mere acquaintances). As I have no intention of eating any of the cake my ownself, and there’s more than enough to go around, I’ll admit to just being mean here. As Rhymer Rule something-or-other is “There’s no kill like overkill,” Yeah, you were being a dink then. If you are pretty sure someone meant no offense and then you took offense anyway? What other opinion can there be? I mean, normal humans might have thought that the woman was trying to be freindly, for one reason or another. Also, re the OP, cooking - baking -\> different. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2012, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/99 "2012-11-13T18:17:01Z")
> [@Duckster](#): > > Make a dozen of so chocolate-chocolate cupcakes. With one decorate it with frosting that has a face on it and save it for her. When she stops by for one, tell her you made one (from scratch) just for her. > > Then say, “You can have my cake, and eat it, too. Just this once.” > > 😃 Oh, make sure you do that with your best [Franck Egglehoffer](http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=VKFtRedJxTw#t=161s) impersonation! ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2012, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221/100 "2012-11-13T20:32:46Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > \ > > Some dopers have really odd views of the world. Agreed. I think **Skald** handled it perfectly. Tried to hurt her? No, punching her in her rude teeth would have been trying to hurt her. Denying her more baked goods because she was a dick about the first ones? Perfect. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-whos-being-the-bigger-jerk-in-this-situation/640221.md?page=6)