# So why am I still Single? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 16, 2000, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676 "2000-05-16T17:00:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![SingleDad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@SingleDad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SingleDad)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/21 "2000-05-16T18:54:31Z")
**Green Bean:** FTR: I’m _not_ looking for advice. I know exactly who I am, what I’m about, and what I want to do. I’m really looking for an _explanation_; for example, from what y’all know about me, _am_ I “pussified”? And hey, the “whine” in HoSD might land me a slot as zyada’s personal assistant… That ain’t chopped liver! 😉 I’m most defintitely looking forward to a “scrabble game” with phouka! (is that what they’re calling it these days? ;)) Your explanation that married women are freer to flirt is interesting, though. **Mr. Cynical** > [@](#): > > For the record, that chick was freaky. I certainly hope that you tore that number up. Well, to quote Frank Zappa, “I was born to have adventure…” 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/22 "2000-05-16T18:59:18Z")
Flirting is basically like throwing out bait, and seeing what kind of nibbles you get. If there’s no bites, switch to a worm with a bit more wiggle in it. You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggoneit, people like you. You, my friend, are a master baiter in hiding. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/23 "2000-05-16T19:06:20Z")
> [@](#): > > I’m most defintitely looking forward to a “scrabble game” with phouka! (is that what they’re calling it these days? ) Considering that my mother will be there, it had better be! > [@](#): > > Response # 2: The wink-wink-nudge-nudge-hint-hint response > > SingleDad and phouka sitting in a tree! > f-l-i-r-t-i-n-g! Yah, well, no one’s _ever_ been able to accuse me of being hard to read. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kiki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dc4da7/32.png) [@Kiki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiki)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/24 "2000-05-16T19:22:28Z")
You seem to be really together and know what you want. That’s definitely a plus! I think that some day you’re going to be in the grocery store or just walking down the street and you’re going to bump into the person you’re meant to be with. That’s usually the way it happens. Or else one of your friends is going to run into someone they haven’t seen for years and they’re going to introduce you to them and you’re gonna hit it off and fall in love. That’s the way it happened for me. When you least expect it, it happens. Someone once told me, love is a funny game. There are either two winners or none. That seems to be true! Whatever you do… don’t be an asshole. That’s good that you wouldn’t be interested in a woman who would want a man like that. I think a woman who lets a man push her around and treat her like crap is lacking self esteem and independence… two important qualities in a person. Keep your chin up… as long as you’re happy with yourself, that’s all that matters. The right woman will come along and when she does she’ll appreciate all you have to offer and you’ll forget about this lonesome spell! ---
**Author:** ![lucyfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e36b37/32.png) [@lucyfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lucyfur)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/25 "2000-05-16T19:27:34Z")
Sigh… At any rate, women certainly don’t want a whiny boy that will do what they’re told. It seems that there are more and more couples that look like little boy married his mommy. Ugh. More and more wimpy men are being born. Personally, I am a strong, independent, intelligent woman. I’d just like my man to be a “MAN”, not a little boy looking for an overbearing mommy type. To each her own, I guess. ---
**Author:** ![Sassy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@Sassy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sassy)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/26 "2000-05-16T19:43:07Z")
You know why… you aren’t ready yet, so you aren’t sending out the right vibes. ---
**Author:** ![concrete](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bbce88/32.png) [@concrete](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/concrete)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/27 "2000-05-16T19:55:53Z")
uhmm…you might want to drop the single part from your name…and maybe even drop the dad part also… looks desperate to me, try using your real name. ---
**Author:** ![SingleDad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@SingleDad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SingleDad)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/28 "2000-05-16T20:14:46Z")
**I am _not_ looking for advice**. I know how and why to flirt, to meet women, to conduct a relationship, not to try too hard (but to try some), etc. **I’m _not_ whining.** I’m happy with my life and my friends. I have sufficient interest from nice women that I’m confident of my prospects. **I’m _curious_** as to the reason for the disparity of opinion between different groups. Almost universally, married women consider me an excellent candidate. Among single women, my appeal seems to be highly specialized. Why is this so? ---
**Author:** ![Eissclam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/2acd7d/32.png) [@Eissclam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eissclam)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/29 "2000-05-16T20:16:22Z")
SingleDad: I guess, being male, I may not be a font of wisdom for you. Nevertheless I felt compelled to respond. First, I feel a little qualified for the following reasons. In grad school I achieved true “singleness” as I saw it. I had more sexual partners during those 4 years than at all other times before. I was popular amongst women and went through several short term relationships. Of course, I grew to hate this lifestyle (after about 2.5-3 years) and started looking for a permanent mate. Believe it or not, I found my wife (of 6 years now) in about 1 month. For me there were two keys to success: 1. Being truly ready for non-singleness 2. Hanging out in the location with the greatest probability of meeting eligible women who share my interests I can’t alter number 1 for you. If you are ready, you know it. I am serious about number 2. I looked around my graduate school campus and decided where would I be most likely to find a women who matched my interests (Medical Library). I started going there all the time and tried to be friendly. I had my first (lunch) date with my wife after 2 weeks. So, how does this apply to you? IMHO, go offline and go in person to where women who share your interests are. Join a group of single parents. Teach a computer class at the YWCA. Whatever. Why in person? Becuase that matches your lifestyle best. You have kids, so a long distance relationship seems neither practical nor satisfying. Online relationships can be fun, I guess (never had one, married, doncha know) but if they worked for you, you would not be asking this question after nearly 10 years of singleness. My diagnosis: You don’t meet the right folks. My prescription: Meet and greet, press the flesh. Hang out where your type congregate. Eissclam, Ph.D. PS: I like the webpage. A bit heavy, but anyone who recommends the Phantom Tollbooth can’t be all bad! PPS: Sorry if this message comes of as pedantic. ---
**Author:** ![lucyfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e36b37/32.png) [@lucyfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lucyfur)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/30 "2000-05-16T20:34:00Z")
**SingleDad** - Me again. Sorry about getting caught up in my favorite litany about the pussification of men. Sort of meandering and not really applicable to you, it seems. I think that **Green Bean** hit the nail on the head. Married women are much more open with you, in that there’s no real chance that their flattery of your attributes will be taken as a come-on (probably). I’m married and am prone to much more flirtation and flattery with men, because I’m much freer to not have to follow-up on any of it. Good clean fun. Chances are, there are single women that hold the exact same opinion of you, they just won’t tell you up front and as easily. It’s harder. Don’t you find it much less precarious and vulnerable to flirt with a married woman than a single one? ---
**Author:** ![GreenEyes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f9ae1b/32.png) [@GreenEyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreenEyes)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/31 "2000-05-16T20:34:13Z")
Well, now is the time to speak up! Singledad has been my best friend in the whole universe for many years now. 6 years in fact. Let me just say this about him. He is the most incredible person you will meet. He is kind, sincere, witty to the point of nausea :P, intelligent as hell and handsome. He is more importantly an exceptional father and man. He has very strong beliefs and opinions and will happily debate with you without taking the moral high ground. I’ve NEVER heard him pass a judgement on a person. He has also been, and is, and always will be an incredible friend. If you have the chance to meet him,or if you have the chance to be his friend, do…I can guarantee you this… Your life will be the better for it. I believe the married woman tell you, Singledad, that you are a great catch because they, being married and in a good relationship… KNOW a good man when they see him. I don’t,however,agree with him changing his nickname. He is single and he is a fabulous and proud father. Woman these days say they are after a loyal, honest man…if the name scares them off… he doesn’t need them to begin with. My humble opinion is that he just hasn’t met Miss Right yet. But he seems to be on the right track here and I’m sure before long someone fabulous will come along and snag him. That lady will be very lucky indeed. ---
**Author:** ![GreenEyes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f9ae1b/32.png) [@GreenEyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreenEyes)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/32 "2000-05-16T20:37:02Z")
Well, now is the time to speak up! Singledad has been my best friend in the whole universe for many years now. 6 years in fact. Let me just say this about him. He is the most incredible person you will meet. He is kind, sincere, witty to the point of nausea :P, intelligent as hell and handsome. He is more importantly an exceptional father and man. He has very strong beliefs and opinions and will happily debate with you without taking the moral high ground. I’ve NEVER heard him pass a judgement on a person. He has also been, and is, and always will be an incredible friend. If you have the chance to meet him,or if you have the chance to be his friend, do…I can guarantee you this… Your life will be the better for it. I believe the married woman tell you, Singledad, that you are a great catch because they, being married and in a good relationship… KNOW a good man when they see him. I don’t,however,agree with him changing his nickname. He is single and he is a fabulous and proud father. Woman these days say they are after a loyal, honest man…if the name scares them off… he doesn’t need them to begin with. My humble opinion is that he just hasn’t met Miss Right yet. But he seems to be on the right track here and I’m sure before long someone fabulous will come along and snag him. That lady will be very lucky indeed. ---
**Author:** ![GreenEyes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f9ae1b/32.png) [@GreenEyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreenEyes)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/33 "2000-05-16T20:39:51Z")
Well, dammit… it was so good I just had to post it twice… yeah… yeah… 😛 eep… ---
**Author:** ![Shadenwawa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3da27b/32.png) [@Shadenwawa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shadenwawa)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/34 "2000-05-16T20:47:05Z")
Seems to me that you have everything well in hand, SingleDad. You know who you are and what you are looking for, and you sound like a hell of a nice guy. I don’t think there’s an explanation, I just think that you haven’t found the right person yet, plain and simple. I know that sounds like a cop-out, but I seriously do not feel like there is anything inherently wrong with **you** , and neither do you from what you’ve said. Course, I don’t know you personally, and I know that people are tons different IRL than they are online, but still. Now I don’t know you, like I said, so don’t take any offense here cause I’m just asking these as general questions (since I have a couple of friends who keep hitting dead ends): 1. do you act like yourself when you meet people? Or do you act a bit different and take a long time to “warm up”? 2. are you picky? Do you have a wide range of tastes in women or are you looking for a specific type of person? I wish you the best of luck… Oops! As i was writing this I noticed that GreenEyes said the same thing! 🙂 Well then, I agree with GreenEyes. -S ---
**Author:** ![SingleDad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@SingleDad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SingleDad)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/35 "2000-05-16T20:56:39Z")
Sigh… I’d have married GreenEyes years ago, but, well… it’s a long story and not mine to tell. Who knows, though… It did take Harry and Sally a few years to hook up! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![GreenEyes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f9ae1b/32.png) [@GreenEyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreenEyes)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/36 "2000-05-16T21:05:59Z")
Yeah, well, I would have accepted too… and have I ever told you that When Harry Met Sally is one of my most fav movies? Empire State Building is sorta far, however the Stratesphere might work. Howz about the second weekend of July sound to you? You meet me at the top of the Stratesphere and we take it from there. \ ---
**Author:** ![concrete](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bbce88/32.png) [@concrete](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/concrete)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/37 "2000-05-16T21:28:34Z")
I think singledad is gonna be getting some luvin’ soon. ---
**Author:** ![GreenEyes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f9ae1b/32.png) [@GreenEyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreenEyes)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/38 "2000-05-16T21:30:56Z")
concrete… He will if I have something to say about it… \ Balls in his court now… ahem… so to speak… ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/39 "2000-05-16T21:42:08Z")
SingleDad, when you say “According to some, I should be innundated with interest; clearly this is not the case,” I can totally empathize. If I had even a nickel for every time someone’s said that to me… _sigh_ I don’t think I’m nearly as nice a person as you are, though. I can get downright bitchy given the right circumstances. 😉 But all in all I consider myself a person who would make a really great life-partner for someone. So what’s keeping us apart? 1.) You’re not Jewish. That’s a biggie for me. No exceptions. Period. I know that limits the playing field for me, but I have my reasons and it’s the one issue on which I am completely inflexible. Well, maybe not completely. The _only_ exception would be for someone who did not believe that Jesus was Christ _and_ was willing to convert to Judaism. 2.) You aren’t willing to consider fathering any children. If you’ve read my reply in your Single Dopers topic, you saw that I am not unwilling to foster parent or adopt. In fact, I’d really like to even if I have children of my own. But I _do_ want my own children. If I _can’t_ have them, that’s a whole other ballgame. But I want someone who is at least willing to try. It pretty much boils down to just those 2 things with me. Otherwise, all the single women on this board would have to put up their dukes to fight me for you - and I _mean_ that! We do _not_ all want assholes or arrogant ‘bad guys’ who seem unavailable. And **Green Bean** , if “the greatest single guy [you] know is still single [and you] can’t figure that one out either,” and it’s who I think it is, it might be because he doesn’t read the SD Crushes and Fantasies topic. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2000, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676/40 "2000-05-17T00:41:42Z")
Consider this: You’re extremely intelligent, and you probably won’t be attractive to or attracted to someone significantly less intelligent than you. This eliminates most of the population. You don’t want to have any more children, which elimates women that want to have children but haven’t; you have children, which eliminates most women who don’t have children and don’t want any. This leaves women who have already had children, plus a very, very small percentage of women who haven’t. Time is on your side on this one. You aren’t an asshole, in fact you seem very together to me. Women who select assholes, or rather abusers, have a life lesson to learn. Unfortunately, most women in this position don’t learn the lesson. They just end one relationship when it gets too abusive, and selects another abuser. Also unfortunately, these women make up a good portion of the female dating pool, because they are constantly re-entering it. Most women who don’t need to learn this lesson will select a good husband as soon as they are ready to settle down and remain married. BTW, you’re right that you don’t want to date one of these women. If they aren’t being victimized, they will usually manipulate circumstances to fulfill this cycle. Your married friends aren’t going to see these problems. The are going to project their own circumstances onto the general female population. They simply aren’t meeting the people you are. OTOH, maybe you need to be a bit more assertive in pursuing someone, if you find a person that is compatible and you are attracted to them. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-why-am-i-still-single/19676.md?page=3)