# So - would anyone like a virtual massage? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 4, 2001, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412 "2001-11-04T05:55:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/1 "2001-11-04T05:55:59Z")
::_cracks knuckles expectantly_:: So - anyone? Anyone? ---
**Author:** ![Cougarfang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c67d28/32.png) [@Cougarfang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cougarfang)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/2 "2001-11-04T05:59:01Z")
_sidles in, reads OP_ _sidles out quietly_ ---
**Author:** ![moronmountain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@moronmountain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moronmountain)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/3 "2001-11-04T05:59:13Z")
Count me IN! ::rips off shirt, revealing puny chest and non-muscles under blindingly white skin:: My shoulders and hips need a little work… ::lays face down on table:: Go to it, please. How much will this cost again? ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/4 "2001-11-04T06:04:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by moronmountain \* > \*\*::rips off shirt, revealing puny chest and non-muscles under blindingly white skin:: > > \*\* **Hey!** Fishbelly white is my _FAVORITE_ color. ::_cracks knuckles and gets blob of lotion_:: Al. [sub]I have _ **GOT** _ to stop posting late at night[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![galen\_ubal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/galen_ubal/32/4440_2.png) [@galen\_ubal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/galen_ubal)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/5 "2001-11-04T06:04:58Z")
(Pokes head in) Would anyone in here have any burnt umber? No? Ah, well, worth a try. Sorry for the interruption. (Back to [here](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=1786566#post1786566)) ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/6 "2001-11-04T06:09:32Z")
Yo! Sign me up for a massage. I just had a long day with my folks and need to relax a little. _takes off all his clothes and lies down on the table_ What’s that? I’m suppossed to wear a towel? And I’m NOT suppossed to be face up? Man, what a gip! ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/7 "2001-11-04T06:13:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by bouv \* > \*\*What’s that? I’m suppossed to wear a towel? And I’m NOT suppossed to be face up? Man, what a gip! \*\* Sorry guy - this is a _FAMILY_ thread. Now, unless you want that thing painted to look like a caterpillar, I suggest you cover it up. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![moronmountain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@moronmountain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moronmountain)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/8 "2001-11-04T06:17:45Z")
::looks up:: Don’t worry about it…I get comments about that all the time, such as “I supply White Out with the white”. Now, don’t worry about posting at night…I’ve been on and off all day for over 12 hours now…in fact, it’s almost my “nighty-night” time…[sub]Why did I say that? What’s next? “Goody-goody-goody”? How about “Guess what? Chicken butt”? Ugh.[/sub] So let’s get on with that massage. ::puts head back down expectantly:: ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/9 "2001-11-04T13:45:30Z")
Mmm, massage! Do I have to make an appointment, or do I just wait over here until my turn is called? ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/10 "2001-11-04T13:56:47Z")
**Doggie rips off his shirt, revealing his tan, lithe body, washboard stomach, and bulging muscles of steel** “I find zat hard to believe, Schmart!” OK, Doggie clumsily removes his ancient, soup-stained T-shirt, liberating his beergut, and exposing the poor unfortunate onlookers to a doughlike expanse of Out of Shape White Boy[sup]TM[/sup] broken only here and there by ugly mutant hairs, moles, navel lint, and pimples. I’ll just take a number then, shall I? ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/11 "2001-11-04T14:13:50Z")
My feet and calves, if you wouldn’t mind. I would very much appreciate it. ---
**Author:** ![porcupine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ac91a4/32.png) [@porcupine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/porcupine)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/12 "2001-11-04T15:27:09Z")
:sigh: I need a _real_ massage. My massage therapist left the spa he worked at to start up his own place. I gave him my number, but do not have his. He was supposed to call me and start coming to my home once a month or so on Sundays and give me a massage there, but I haven’t heard a word. Bastard! So I haven’t had a massage since late September. ---
**Author:** ![Albert\_Rose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9de053/32.png) [@Albert\_Rose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Albert_Rose)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/13 "2001-11-04T17:09:39Z")
Sure, **alice** , I’ll give you a massage. C’mere. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/14 "2001-11-04T17:14:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by moronmountain \* > \*\*::looks up:: > > Don’t worry about it…I get comments about that all the time, such as “I supply White Out with the white”. Now, don’t worry about posting at night…I’ve been on and off all day for over 12 hours now…in fact, it’s almost my “nighty-night” time…[sub]Why did I say that? What’s next? “Goody-goody-goody”? How about “Guess what? Chicken butt”? Ugh.[/sub] So let’s get on with that massage. > > ::puts head back down expectantly:: \*\* Well, here we go… ::\* rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub\*:: ::\* knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead\*:: ::_chopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopa…_:: A while later… Ok - were done here - I hope you feel limbered up. Now, who was next - **AHunter3** it’s yer turn - get that shirt off… ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/15 "2001-11-04T19:24:19Z")
::skims off t shirt:: ::clambers up on table:: ::closes eyes:: ---
**Author:** ![moronmountain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@moronmountain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moronmountain)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/16 "2001-11-04T22:06:45Z")
HEY! AHUNTER! LET ME GET UP FIRST! GET OFF ME, MAN! ::squirms out from underneath the dead weight of AHunter:: Whew. Finally. Thank you alice! I needed that ::slips $150 into alice’s g-string, before realizing this is not that kind of massage parlour, sheepishly pulls it out [sub]not minding to go back in though[/sub] and writing a check:: ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/17 "2001-11-04T23:04:51Z")
::skooches over on one side of table:: What th’ hell!!? ::rubs sore spot in tummy where moronmountain elbows landed:: Alice, I thought you called me! …or was the previous-customer elbows thing some kind of new technique or something? ::thinks about that for a moment:: Y’know, I can’t say as how I care for that part! Is it my turn now? Is it? ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/18 "2001-11-04T23:15:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by AHunter3 \* > \*\*Alice, I thought you called me! > Is it my turn now? Is it? \*\* Oh hang on to yer jockies there guy - I’m here, I’m here. Ok, now just relax - Well, here we go… ::_rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub rub_:: ::_knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead knead_:: ::_chopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopachopa…_:: A while later… Ok - all done. I tried to be gingerly around that elbow dent - I hope it’s ok. **TheLoadedDog** yer next - you must have been cold sitting in the waiting room with no shirt on for, what, like 5 hours? Anyhow - let’s begin here. Oh, and **moronmountain** Bubba[sup]TM[/sup] my large menacing assistant said something about you trying to reach down his pants? With money? Um, don’t do that - K? He gets really crusty… ---
**Author:** ![moronmountain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@moronmountain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moronmountain)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/19 "2001-11-04T23:24:26Z")
Talk about CRUSTY! His underwear is FULL of skidmarks… ::looks down at own pants:: And mine are too now…stupid big scary Bubba. ::Realizing I’m still shirtless…:: AND GIVE ME MY SHIRT BACK! ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2001, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412/20 "2001-11-04T23:49:55Z")
::slowly dons t-shirt:: ::stretches:: Aaaaah! Mmmmmmh! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-would-anyone-like-a-virtual-massage/91412.md?page=2)