# So You Think You're A Swinger, Eh?: In which I Pit myself for being a social moron **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 21, 2005, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379 "2005-04-21T06:38:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Mdm.President](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@Mdm.President](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mdm.President)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2005, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/61 "2005-04-22T16:13:09Z")
Is this the same guy that had such a hard time asking out the girl in the book store? They’re all starting to run together… FWIW, I’v caught myself producing ‘I’d like to get some of you right now’ eyes at men, even when I had one I loved at home. The long pause could have been her batteling with her desires… the guy that gave you the dirty look could have been her lova… Ya never know… I love the “So, you’ll think about it?” responce. It’s funny with any rejection. ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2005, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/62 "2005-04-22T17:15:41Z")
> [@tremorviolet](#): > > Well, there is the female version. I see a guy I think is attractive and I’ve already worked out the millions of reasons it won’t work (what if he smells bad, or makes fart jokes, he’s probably waaaay too clingy and will just suck up my time, plus I bet he wants kids and he’s probably a Bush fan, like Dave Matthews, is addicted to XBox, secretly wants Pam Anderson and will recoil in horror when he sees my thighs, etc…) so I’m already thinking of ways to avoid going out with him before I’ve even been introduced… Been there, done that, will probably not stop doing it for a long time. I am loving “potato trap,” **Malacandra.** And it isn’t even profane, unless I’m just really naive. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2005, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/63 "2005-04-22T17:27:01Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > Okay, since you ask: > > For fuck’s sake, stop whining, grow a pair, and get a sense of proportion, **Stranger With A Pretentiously-Long Username**. So you met a pretty girl and only found out she was attached after you’d screwed up your pathetic courage and asked her out? Well, waah-waah-waahh, cry me a _fucking_ river. That’s the spirit! For a minute there, I thought I was in **MPSIMS**. 😃 > [@Malacandra](#): > > …Any better? Or should I go back to the have-another-beer-mate fellow feeling? I liked myself better that way. Sorry about that, but thanks for the effort. And permit me to express my appreciation to everyone else who provided support, advice, complements, and criticism. I love you all. Er, I mean…ah, never mind. :o Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Darwins\_Finch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darwins_finch/32/20304_2.png) [@Darwins\_Finch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darwins_Finch)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2005, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/64 "2005-04-22T17:58:08Z")
> [@Stranger On A Train](#): > > I love you all. That’s sweet, but can’t we just be friends? ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2005, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/65 "2005-04-22T20:14:57Z")
> [@Mdm. President](#): > > I love the “So, you’ll think about it?” responce. It’s funny with any rejection. Then there is: “He must be a lucky guy. Bring him along, if you’d like. Or not. I’d prefer ‘or not’ myself.” Memorize it. ---
**Author:** ![Mdm.President](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@Mdm.President](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mdm.President)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2005, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/66 "2005-04-22T20:23:44Z")
yeah, but that only works is she says no because she has a boyfriend. The origanal will always work. Guy \> Would you like to go out some time? Girl \> I think I’d rather have my ovaries removed with dull crayons. pause Guy \> So… You’ll think about it then? ---
**Author:** ![Dob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Dob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dob)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2005, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/67 "2005-04-22T20:39:46Z")
Has it occurred to you yet **Stranger** that perhaps you are just ugly? Maybe the “fuck me eyes” was simply her attempt to reconcile what she was seeing with the vile ugliness that is you? Perhaps she helped you find the apples to simply expedite your shopping and leave the store? Maybe the manager walked over just to ask if you were perhaps wearing a mask? Wondering if it was possible for you to be that ugly, and confirming if he won the backroom bet made on the reality of your putrid Medusa like face? Perhaps in the future you should walk backwards and attempt to ask a girl out without her actually seeing you. I think you owe it to yourself, and us, to test this out. Let me know how it goes! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2005, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/68 "2005-04-22T21:02:31Z")
> [@Dob](#): > > Has it occurred to you yet **Stranger** that perhaps you are just ugly? > > \ > > Perhaps in the future you should walk backwards and attempt to ask a girl out without her actually seeing you. I think you owe it to yourself, and us, to test this out. Let me know how it goes! > > 🙂 Now you have my cow-orkers looking in on me and wondering why I can’t stop laughing. Good work. 😃 Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Slant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c57346/32.png) [@Mr.Slant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Slant)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2005, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/69 "2005-04-22T21:05:52Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > This was your first and fatal mistake, I think; they correct response is “So you’ll think about it, right?”. Quoting rap lyrics is more apropos here. “What’s your man gotta’ do with me?” ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2005, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/70 "2005-04-22T21:40:52Z")
> [@Stranger On A Train](#): > > I love you all. > Er, I mean…ah, never mind. :o > > Stranger We love you too, but stay over there. Kidding, dear. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2005, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/71 "2005-04-23T18:53:33Z")
The young lady in question needs work on HER social skills. Not you. If your approach is anything like your writing, I’m sure you did a fine job. She should have been much more gracious in her refusal. Something along the lines of “oh, I’m very flattered, I’m sorry though, I can’t, thank you for asking, you’ve really made my day”. score: You: 1 apple girl: go back to charm school, you flunked ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2005, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/72 "2005-04-23T20:31:43Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#): > > The young lady in question needs work on HER social skills. Not you. If your approach is anything like your writing, I’m sure you did a fine job. Permit me to assure you that whatever opinion you may hold of my writing (whether endearing or turgid), my countenance in person is nowhere near as impressive. When I’m not floundering in conversation in ways that would a Charlie Kaufman protagonist sound sauve and sophisticated in comparison I give off the defensive, don’t talk to me vibe like DeNiro’s character in _Heat_: “Lady, why are you so interested in what I do and where I go?” Either way, I’m sure it’s pretty repellent, even when I’m trying not to be. Oh, and eye contact: either way to much or not enough, or at the wrong time, or something. I think everyone I’ve ever known well enough to comment on my personal habits has pointed this out to me. In general, I have a sneaking suspicion that everyone I meet, and particularly women, are just looking for a chance to humiliate me or make me look foolish. I’m sure that’s not true in the vast majority of situations, but it’s always in the back of my mind, and it’s happened often enough that it justified my perverseness on the issue. I really need to figure this out someday, lest I end up still counting the number of women I’ve known on the fingers of one hand, with digits left over. It’s pretty pathetic, really. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2005, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/73 "2005-04-24T06:24:41Z")
> [@Stranger On A Train](#): > > …I really need to figure this out someday, lest I end up still counting the number of women I’ve known on the fingers of one hand, with digits left over. It’s pretty pathetic, really. > > Stranger Is it everyone? Or just women that cause your difficulties? And if it’s women,is it just women in whom you’re interested? Just wondering. Although, I’m sure you’ve gotten tons of advice from all quarters on how to “fix” it. It’s tough, I know. Wish I could give you something new and immediately effective. At any rate, my opinion on the young lady’s social abilities stands. She could have handled it much more graciously. ---
**Author:** ![Adking](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7993a0/32.png) [@Adking](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Adking)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2005, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/74 "2005-04-25T04:53:42Z")
It’s not her responsibility to produce flattering bullshit to people who hit on her while she’s working, is it? ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2005, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/75 "2005-04-25T13:52:04Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#): > > The young lady in question needs work on HER social skills. Not you. If your approach is anything like your writing, I’m sure you did a fine job. > > She should have been much more gracious in her refusal. Something along the lines of “oh, I’m very flattered, I’m sorry though, I can’t, thank you for asking, you’ve really made my day”. > > score: > > You: 1 > apple girl: go back to charm school, you flunked Wow. I really hope this was written tongue-in-cheek as an attempt to soothe Stranger’s bruised (traumatized?) ego. As a gal who gets approached by a fair shar of men, ‘I’m married’ is one of the nicer arrows in my quiver of rejection. ---
**Author:** ![velvetjones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5f9b8f/32.png) [@velvetjones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/velvetjones)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2005, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/76 "2005-04-25T14:56:43Z")
You know, my mother has told me since I was a young woman that “you can be nice to men”. I’ve often adjusted that to read “you can’t be nice to some men” but mom was mostly right. Not so much now that I’m middle aged but when I was young and beautiful (and I was young and beautiful and stacked so there 🙂 ) I was also unfailingly nice and considerate. Apparently pretty+nice+considerate=“Her pants are blazing for me” to quite a few men. I’ve learned to not make so much eye contact and not be quite so friendly so I don’t give off those vibes quite so much. That said, Kudos for trying **Stranger** you’ll certainly never get a date if you never ask. ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2005, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/77 "2005-04-25T15:57:55Z")
> [@UrbanChic](#): > > Wow. I really hope this was written tongue-in-cheek as an attempt to soothe Stranger’s bruised (traumatized?) ego. > > As a gal who gets approached by a fair shar of men, ‘I’m married’ is one of the nicer arrows in my quiver of rejection. It is possible that she did say, “I have have a boyfriend, but thanks.” Of course the “but thanks” part would have been drowned out by the sound of the Earth exploding, not to mention the other people in the produce section laughing at **Stranger**. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2005, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/78 "2005-04-25T15:58:07Z")
> [@Adking](#): > > It’s not her responsibility to produce flattering bullshit to people who hit on her while she’s working, is it? No, but it’s more effective as a social creature (not to mention as a salesperson) to make things as comfortable as possible while also delivering a no-nonsense, clear and easy to spot denial. “That’s a very sweet offer of dinner, but I have to let you know I have a boyfriend, so I have to decline. Have you tried these new fuji apples we got in? They taste like honey!” There. Rejected. Nicely. Sell another apple. How much harder is that than awkward pause and stammering? ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2005, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/79 "2005-04-25T16:07:25Z")
> [@velvetjones](#): > > Not so much now that I’m middle aged but when I was young and beautiful (and I was young and beautiful and stacked so there 🙂 ) I was also unfailingly nice and considerate. Apparently pretty+nice+considerate=“Her pants are blazing for me” to quite a few men. Which is why, when faced with the “pretty+nice+condisderate” situation, I’ll calmly turn to my wife and say, “Yeah… She wants me.” She’ll deadpan, “We all do, Tim. We all do.” That tends to put me in my place. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2005, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379/80 "2005-04-25T16:44:55Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#): > > Is it everyone? Or just women that cause your difficulties? And if it’s women,is it just women in whom you’re interested? Just wondering. Although, I’m sure you’ve gotten tons of advice from all quarters on how to “fix” it. It’s tough, I know. Oh, I’m generally lousy at meeting people unless I have some specific purpose or goal, i.e. a job interview or I’m soliciting information or somesuch. I’m told I can actually be charming (or a good synthesis thereof) given a situation that is kind of scripted and in which I can anticipate the response. For instance, meeting the ex-Irish girl’s family was no problem, as they made it pretty clear I was welcome to make myself at home as I liked. (It didn’t hurt that I immediately fell into discussion on statistical sampling methods with Mum, a conversation about developments in genetic cloning with one brother, a debate on the merits of various Irish whiskys with the other brother, and had nieces climbing all over me like I was a new toy). In a social situations in which I’m not really clear on, though, I’m more rotten than a bushel of bad apples. When said Irish girl had a college friend (call her “E”) in town and we went to dinner (along with a friend of hers) I was sort of at a loss for conversation–not having gone to the same school or having knowledge or interest of the topics under discussion–and ended up being a big mope. Note that there wasn’t any attempt to exclude me; “E” singled me out several times in conversation to try to draw me out, and I did my best to try to join in, but the longer the evening went the more sullen I must have appeared. Really, I just wanted to get the hell out of there, to the point of having a panic attack. > [@CanvasShoes](#): > > Wish I could give you something new and immediately effective. At any rate, my opinion on the young lady’s social abilities stands. She could have handled it much more graciously. Naw, there’s no quick cure. I’ve some inherent limitations in terms of being able to recognize and comprehend facial/non-verbal cues but largely it’s just a lack of (successful) experience and slightly-more-than-average adolescent trauma. The answer is just more exposure, rejection, failure, expiation, quittance, atonement, reparation, and repeat, until I figure it out or get killed trying. For what it’s worth I did talk to a young lass at the coffeehouse I was sitting at yesterday while doing some Perl coding and waiting for the film to start. That went alright for one of those sporadic, “pop your head up every twenty minutes for a break and have a random, 30 second exchange” type of discussion. I also flirted (or was flirted by) the world’s coolest waitress last night (or rather, very early this morning), but then that clearly falls back under **Rule #14** and besides, it was very clear that she was a pro at being just flirtatious enough to be fun but not so much as to create some kind of untoward impression. (Never mind; she earned and got her 30%+ tip, not only for being entertaining but doing it with a hangover and while being harassed by the dipshit two seats down the counter.) As for “apple girl” I suspect the unintentionally precipitous nature of the invitation was the cause for abruptness of the response. Clearly, what I considered to be a natural progression of interaction was in fact a great, Knievel-esqe shark-jumping conversational leap. I just need to be more cognizant of conversational edicate and rhythm and/or grow a thicker and preferably skin, perhaps one of the “rich Corinthian leather” that Ricardo Montalban speaks of so elegantly. Stranger [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-think-youre-a-swinger-eh-in-which-i-pit-myself-for-being-a-social-moron/300379.md?page=3)