# So you want to be an unholy lesbian vampire **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 29, 2000, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845 "2000-10-29T21:13:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/1 "2000-10-29T21:13:44Z")
The Unholy Lesbian Vampire Army of the Night is now beginning it’s Samhain recruitment drive. To join, you must meet one or more of the following critera: 1. Be unholy 2. Be lesbian 3. Be a vampire 4. Be in an army 5. Be of the night. Of course, we also welcome members in our sister organization, the Unholy Lesbian Vampire Coast Guard of the Night, as well as the children’s group, the Unholy Lesbian Vampire Girl Scouts of the Late Afternoon. Anthracite is our Dark Queen. I am the Dark Princess, and I am loyal to the Queen…for the moment. The goals of the group center around debauchery, corruption, and something involving nubile virgins. Members are expected to garner throngs of adoring followers as soon as possible. As your friendly ULVAN rep, I am happy to answer questions. Sign up today! andygirl ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/2 "2000-10-29T21:26:27Z")
“1) Be unholy 2) Be lesbian 3) Be a vampire 4) Be in an army 5) Be of the night.” Um, define 1? 1. Kinda impossible, as I’m a guy. 2. Kinda impossible. 3. As I’m opposed to fighting in general and I don’t like military stuff . . . but I am on an academic team that, from time to time does demolish others. 4. I’m a night person. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/3 "2000-10-29T21:28:58Z")
My group, the Demented Artsy Gaming Losers of All Hours, hereby declares war on your group, Hypergirl, for hogging all the lesbians. Share, dammit, share!! ---
**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/4 "2000-10-29T21:35:09Z")
punha: Welcome to the ULVAN. 🙂 > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SPOOFE Bo Diddly \* > \*\*My group, the Demented Artsy Gaming Losers of All Hours, hereby declares war on your group, Hypergirl, for hogging all the lesbians. > > Share, dammit, share!! \*\* The ULVAN hereby declares war on you for random confusion involving posters with “girl” in their names. This is war. -ANDYgirl ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/5 "2000-10-29T21:42:02Z")
**andygirl** : how may I be of service? Other than my sig, of course . . . ---
**Author:** ![Ura-Maru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/51bf81/32.png) [@Ura-Maru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ura-Maru)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/6 "2000-10-29T21:45:07Z")
> [@](#): > > 1. Kinda impossible, as I’m a guy. Not necisarily. Anthrite has assured me that being a lesbain in a man’s body could get me in on a technicality. I’m kind of vauge on the “Of the Night” angle, though. Is this inherent, or can one become of the Night through effort? Is there certification involved at some point? Is there some kind of program available to aid someone in becoming of the Night? Remidial, maybe? – “I’d rather see Samo Hung in a speedo!” ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/7 "2000-10-29T21:49:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ura-Maru \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > 1. Kinda impossible, as I’m a guy. > > Not necisarily. Anthrite has assured me that being a lesbain in a man’s body could get me in on a technicality. > > I’m kind of vauge on the “Of the Night” angle, though. Is this inherent, or can one become of the Night through effort? Is there certification involved at some point? Is there some kind of program available to aid someone in becoming of the Night? Remidial, maybe?\*\* Well, you misspelled Anthracite, but yes - being transgendered, transsexual, or _truly_ being a lesbian in a male body is perfectly acceptable. ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/8 "2000-10-29T21:56:03Z")
I’m thinking of making my own group: The oxymoronic redundant repetative people of the mid afternoon - Chapter 2. How would I go about getting a charter? ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/9 "2000-10-29T21:58:17Z")
Ohh. This really does suck. I could be unholy, and “of the night” and vampiric…and join an army. I’m not a lesbian. Damn. I’m going to start my own faction. ---
**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/10 "2000-10-29T22:04:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ura-Maru \* > \*\* > I’m kind of vauge on the “Of the Night” angle, though. Is this inherent, or can one become of the Night through effort? Is there certification involved at some point? Is there some kind of program available to aid someone in becoming of the Night? Remidial, maybe? > > \*\* Of the night refers to those of us who keep late hours. It can be loosely interpreted- we want as many people as possible. We’re amazingly flexible… in so many different ways. If you do want to be formally certified as “of the night”, though, I recommend the Dartmouth College “we’ll put loud people outside of your bedroom at three am” plan, which is known for it’s success rate. Alternately, you could take care of small children, be an all hours sex machine, or simply not want to go to bed. There are, to say the least, many ways to become of the night. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/11 "2000-10-29T22:08:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Enderw23 \* > \*\*I’m thinking of making my own group: The oxymoronic redundant repetative people of the mid afternoon - Chapter 2. > > How would I go about getting a charter? \*\* No soup for you! Next!!! ---
**Author:** ![Ura-Maru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/51bf81/32.png) [@Ura-Maru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ura-Maru)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/12 "2000-10-29T22:11:03Z")
> [@](#): > > Well, you misspelled Anthracite, but yes- A misspelling? In one of MY posts? Surely you jest. As I frequently do, however, I slipped and used a correct, (but inapropriate) regional spelling. The region, in this case, being a small island in the north Pacific, populated exclusivly by fantastic beasts, and people with two heads but no body hair. Quite a nice place, actually. Those austrailian military hats there with the ties on the side are popular there, for some reason. Sorry 'bout it, tho. – “Werewolf!” “I don’t know. You had him last.” ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/13 "2000-10-29T22:19:51Z")
> [@](#): > > The ULVAN hereby declares war on you for random confusion involving posters with “girl” in their names. > This is war. > > -ANDYgirl Bah. Sue me. (This’ll teach me to visit the 'Dope with only ONE browser window :D) ---
**Author:** ![Billdo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billdo/32/315_2.png) [@Billdo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billdo)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/14 "2000-10-29T23:12:28Z")
Although I am neither a lesbian nor a vampire, I am a night person who is interested in maritime safety and enforcement issues involving undead individuals with same-sex attraction. Could you please provide more information on joining the ULVCGN. ---
**Author:** ![Rasa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rasa/32/3578_2.png) [@Rasa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rasa)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/15 "2000-10-29T23:18:59Z")
If you’re accepting applications for unholy bisexual creatures of the night, I’m in! Can I be the minister of propaganda? I’m kinda anti-violence… but agit-prop is so much more fun, and I’m good at it. ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/16 "2000-10-29T23:27:07Z")
I volunteer to be the first nubile virgin to be sexually utilised as you see fit. Admittedly, I am male, but that just puts the whole **Unholy** aspect into a clearer light, doesn’t it? I mean, what could be more unholy for a lesbian than a hetero sex-fest? ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/17 "2000-10-29T23:35:32Z")
Well, let’s see here. Requirements: 1. Be unholy 2. Be lesbian 3. Be a vampire 4. Be in an army 5. Be of the night. 6. Well, I’m a Witch. Does that count? 7. Sqrl says I’m 90% lesbian. Maybe I could be an auxillary member? 8. Nope. I like reading vampire fiction, though! 9. Nope. Sowwy. 10. Hell, I am SO the night person. Just check out how late I’m in chat every night. 😉 So…am I in? ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2000, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/18 "2000-10-30T00:09:00Z")
Well, darn. This sounds like fun, but I just don’t meet all the requirements. I’m a Pagan, and I’m of the night, but that’s it. Hm. Maybe me & Falc could lead a “Non-Vampiric Not-Quite-Lesbian” Witches’ Auxilliary? ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2000, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/19 "2000-10-30T00:15:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Falcon \* > \*\*So…am I in? > \*\* I was under the impression the only people who say this are unexperienced guys . . . ---
**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2000, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845/20 "2000-10-30T01:16:01Z")
I should have made this more clear… you don’t have to meet all of the requirements. Just one is enough. Heck, you don’t even have to be a lesbian. It makes things more interesting. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-be-an-unholy-lesbian-vampire/38845.md?page=2)