# So, you want to start a cult? Phase one! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 19, 2010, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961 "2010-03-19T00:38:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/1 "2010-03-19T00:38:43Z")
Is the world cold and selfish? Are there monsters under your bed? Daddy didn’t hug you enough? Whatever the reason, we’re starting a cult, you and I. :):)🙂 It’s a veritable CULT BONANZA! :):)🙂 We’re not content to merely found a pyramid scheme or steal old lady’s retirement checks, oh no! We’re going all out! The sky’s the limit for people with drive and passion just like us! But starting a cult isn’t easy! We’re going to need a plan. We’ll need a catchy name, a mission statement, a cult structure and lots of Kool-Aid. STEP ONE: What’s OUR goal?! Well, what is it? That’s too broad of a question for you? I like your style. Well, why are we starting this damn thing? [ul] [li]“I want to make lots and lots of money!”[/li][li]“I want to control people!”[/li][li]“I want to achieve enlightenment!”[/li][li]“I want to make contact with extra-terrestrial life or beings from another dimension!”[/li][li]“I want to destroy stuff!”[/li][/ul] STEP TWO: What’s the incentive?! Well, what is it? That’s too broad of a question for you? I like your style. Well, why are we telling people that they should join? It doesn’t matter what you pick, they’re all lies anyway! [ul] [li]“You’ll make lots and lots of money!”[/li][li]“You’ll be enlightened!”[/li][li]“You’ll make contact with extra-terrestrial life or beings from another dimension!”[/li][li]“Stuff is evil and you’ll get to help me destroy it on account of how evil it is!”[/li][li]Fuck it, let’s kidnap 'em.[/ul][/li] STEP THREE: What’s the catchy name?! Well, what is it? Come on, think on it! What, you’ve thought of one? I like your style. Well, what are we telling people the name of our cult- ahem, _organization_ is? STEP FOUR: Think of something?! Well, what is it? Tell me what you’ve got in mind! What, you’ve thought of something? I like your style. Well, what is it? We’ll tabulate the results and move onto PHASE TWO, where we’ll come up with some group structure, maybe a dash of hierarchy, a pinch of initiation ideas and a whole cup of belief systems! After that, we’re onto finding a location for our headquarters and getting some capital! This is Father Melon signing off, to the moon, the stars and BEYOND! ---
**Author:** ![EmAnJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d2c977/32.png) [@EmAnJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmAnJ)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/2 "2010-03-19T00:53:31Z")
This should definitely, definitely, be in MPSIMS. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/3 "2010-03-19T00:57:33Z")
> [@EmAnJ](#): > > This should definitely, definitely, be in MPSIMS. :eek: My apologies. ---
**Author:** ![EmAnJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d2c977/32.png) [@EmAnJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmAnJ)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/4 "2010-03-19T01:00:39Z")
Ha, that’s ok. You’re still new. At least you didn’t put this in General! ---
**Author:** ![StrangeBird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e480ec/32.png) [@StrangeBird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StrangeBird)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/5 "2010-03-20T05:39:05Z")
Of course, I imagine that in order to fully understand you ingenious system for starting my own cult, I should attend your free seminar. All I have to do is follow your easy to use instructions and soon I’ll have my very own devoted followers. And all for free!\* \*20% of all profits of cult to go to AClockworkMelon Inc. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/6 "2010-03-20T05:46:40Z")
😛 I was hoping that people would respond picking from the choices and the forum as a whole would craft a cult. I’m interested in what sort of cult we’d wind up with. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/7 "2010-03-20T11:15:38Z")
I want to make contact with extraterrestrial life, AND beings from another dimension, AND destroy them. And I want all their money and their stuff. And their extra dimensions, whoch ought to have room for lots of stuff. Actually, I want the same from humans, except we can keep the hot chicks. I am rather amazed that none of your options involve sex. And I almost forgot, I want to have sex with the extraterrestrial and extradimensional beings before I kill them and take their stuff. As an aside, I don’t feel a need to kill everyone personally, just to be responsible for their ultimate death. So henchmen are ok. So, I suppose my cult will have to be based on self-sacrifice. I’m thinking the Catholic church is a pretty decent model to start with. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/8 "2010-03-20T13:14:47Z")
NAA NAA naa naa NAA NAA naa naa NAA NAA naa naa NAA NAA naa naa NAA NAA naa naa NAA NAA naa naa NAA NAA naa naa NAA NAA naa naa **CLOCKWORK**! ---
**Author:** ![picunurse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@picunurse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picunurse)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/9 "2010-03-20T13:15:28Z")
You forgot the FIRST requirement. You have to be batshit crazy to start a successful cult. ---
**Author:** ![WarmNPrickly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@WarmNPrickly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WarmNPrickly)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/10 "2010-03-20T13:34:36Z")
I just want people control. The rest generally follows. Didn’t you ever see Conan the Barbarian? In this case though, I think we’ll worship spiders, and initiation into full membership will of course be a bite from a black widow. It is really the only way to develop your souls immunity. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/11 "2010-03-20T17:28:05Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > I am rather amazed that none of your options involve sex. :smack: I knew I forgot something. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/12 "2010-03-20T18:10:46Z")
**Twickster** has a PHD in sociology, specializing in cults (seriously). We should ask her for help. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/13 "2010-03-20T18:20:02Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > **Twickster** has a PHD in sociology, specializing in cults (seriously). We should ask her for help. :eek: That’s pretty cool. Fine, I’ll start. What’s OUR goal?! “I want to control people!” What’s the incentive?! “You’ll be enlightened!” What’s the catchy name?! The Mystery Machine! Think of something?! As the leader, all my cult members will call me Fred. All other males will be called Shaggy. All the women in the cult that I want to have sex with will be called Daphne and all the women in the cult that I _don’t_ want to have sex with will be called Velma. We’ll seek enlightenment by worshiping a dog named Scooby. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/14 "2010-03-20T18:35:31Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > . All the women in the cult that I want to have sex with will be called Daphne and all the women in the cult that I _don’t_ want to have sex with will be called Velma. You have this backwards. Daphne is a prissy bitch. Velma is cute, smart, and you know she’s a demon in the sack. Also, I bet she says “Jinkies!” at the moment of moments. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/15 "2010-03-20T18:49:08Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > You have this backwards. Daphne is a prissy bitch. Velma is cute, smart, and you know she’s a demon in the sack. > > Also, I bet she says “Jinkies!” at the moment of moments. See, this is where you start a splinter religion. We’re the Traditionalists and you’re a Jinkiite. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/16 "2010-03-20T18:51:28Z")
Briliant! ---
**Author:** ![Nametag](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nametag/32/406_2.png) [@Nametag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nametag)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/17 "2010-03-20T19:24:56Z")
He didn’t say he wants to marry, form a relationship with, development a deep appreciation for, or have consensual sex with Daphne. He wants to name women he wants to have sex with Daphne. Because Daphne is hot, and once he breaks her, she would be totally submissive. HELLO! Cult leader? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/18 "2010-03-20T19:28:37Z")
> [@Nametag](#): > > He didn’t say he wants to marry, form a relationship with, development a deep appreciation for, or have consensual sex with Daphne. He wants to name women he wants to have sex with Daphne. Because Daphne is hot, and once he breaks her, she would be totally submissive. HELLO! Cult leader? Somebody’s got his eyes on the Assistant Cult Leader position. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/19 "2010-03-20T20:23:46Z")
Moving thread from IMHO to MPSIMS. ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2010, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961/20 "2010-03-21T06:47:11Z")
> [@picunurse](#): > > You forgot the FIRST requirement. You have to be batshit crazy to start a successful cult. So it looks like I’m already qualified,when do I get the money and the worshippers? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-you-want-to-start-a-cult-phase-one/532961.md?page=2)